Friday, January 23, 2009

Ways to survive the weekend without football:

What does this photo have to do with this article? Nothing. But does it really matter?

As you stare at your TV, hoping that your jedi power allows football to appear while your digital cable menu says otherwise, you should know that there are other ways to pass your weekend. In fact, you better start looking for non-football alternatives because preseason NFL games are approximately 30 weeks away. Technically speaking, there are 54,305 things to do this weekend. Here’s a quick list of a few options divided into two parts:

Part 1. Recreation (Because it’s MY weekend Goddammit!)

1. Watch some college basketball. If you’re like me, you don’t start watching college basketball until March, when you put some money on your March Madness pool. If you’re like me, you also lose every year. Take this weekend to get a head start on the competition. Since every non-local Big East team is somehow ranked in the top 25, you can spend your Saturday watching #3 UConn visit #19 Notre Dame, 7pm, Saturday night while spending your Sunday afternoon watching Rick Pitino’s #12 Louisville trek to Syracuse to play the #8 Orange(men).

2. Watch some college hockey. (Devo, what the hell? College hockey? You mean the NHL?) No, douchebag. COLLEGE hockey, a non-existent pastime outside of New England and the Midwest. As a BU alumnus (the Penn State of hockey for many reasons) I can guarantee you two things: 1)College hockey is at least as enjoyable as the NHL. 2) BU will generally suck. But this year, BU is bucking the odds, rising to the #2 in the nation. Can they keep up their mojo against MissMet’s #11 UNH Catamounts? Probably not. Will you be able to find a television that contains college hockey? Even less likely. But it’s cheaper than that hooker you’re leaning towards investing in.

3. Check up on some mock drafts. Get ready for the most overhyped sporting event of the year: The NFL Draft, taking place over the course of two interminable days on the last weekend of April. But this year is different, because if you’re like me, you’re living for the middle rounds, where the Giants, courtesy of and other incredibly well thought out mock drafts are expected to take the pride of Bayonne, N.J. Kenny Britt with the 45th pick of the draft. And once he is taken the Mike Teel watch begins, as Teel is likely to be drafted sometime mid-second day.

4. NHL All Star Game. Ever wonder what a presidential election would look like if it were hacked? Well, come Sunday evening, 6pm, you’ll be able to find out. Hoping to find your favorite NHL star? Well be sure to call your cable company, ask them if you get VS. and enjoy! And the best part about watching the All Star game? Knowing that you won’t miss anything until the everybody-gets-in-but-the-Islanders tournament known as the NHL playoffs start in mid April.

5. Catch up on The Wire. Look, most of this article is copied from an article I wrote last year. I wanted you to catch up on The Wire last year because the 5th and final season was under way a year ago. Truth is, since most of you haven’t caught up with Wire, it’s probably still a good time to start watching the greatest drama that no one cares about. So hit up Blockbuster or Netflix and spend Saturday with Season 1 and Sunday with season 2.

6. Watch an NBA game. Why? Because if you stare at Lebron like he's a magic eye design, you can picture his Cleveland jersey turning into the blue and orange of the Knicks. And if you can already visualize Lebron in Knicks colors, it’s going be a titanic kick in the nuts to Knicks fans when he decides to stay in Cleveland.

7. Australian Open. Sure it takes place at a crazy time due to the 15 hour time difference, but you know that hot girl-on-girl porn you were going to watch tonite? Sharapova and the other chick playing for the Australian Open Championship are hotter than both of those ladies of the night. Wait, Sharapova isn’t playing in the Australian Open? Hrmm, well you’re still pretty likely to watch two hotties grunting it out down under. Especially now that a Williams sister has been eliminated.

Part 2 Improve your Life

8. Take a walk, you obese piece of shit. America is a fat country. And spending your weekends in your carefully sculpted sofa assgroove aint getting us any skinnier.

9. Watch tv or read a newspaper, you stupid, ignorant piece of shit. Americans are not only fat, we’re stupid and have no idea what’s going on in the world. And just because change is on the way doesn’t mean that you’ve become intelligent.

10. Get a girlfriend, you fat, stupid piece of shit. To continue the trend, let’s just say that your knowledge of how Eli sucks in windy conditions doesn’t exactly help you get laid. Trust me. Take this time to go about town, and use your wit to pick up some lady friends. And if that fails, call a hooker.

11. Get me a job. Soon. Please.

54,305. Watch the hype factory known as ESPN. Seriously, this is the last thing you should be doing.

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