Friday, January 23, 2009

Sports Figures We Wouldn't Wish On Our Worst Enemies

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Click here to see the athletes/coaches that make Yinzer even more angry.

First I'd like to give a special mention to all associated with the Pittsburgh Pirates for not providing .500 baseball for 16 seasons and counting and the current Soff Euro trash Penguins (Sykora, Satan and Fedetenko) but these 5 are worse on my list.

5. Josef Beranek
Preferred Nickname: Blowsef, Shitenak, GET THIS FUCKER OFF THE ICE

There is worthless and than there is WORTHLESS. Such was the NHL career of Josef Beranek. Unlike the two fuckos below, Josef at least could keep up with the play. Blowsef entered the league in 1991 and was known for good wheels, crisp passer and “natural touch around the net” apparently the only touch he showed at this time was to Coaching staff so he could continue to waste icetime. After sucking for the Oilers, Flyers (douches) and Canucks, Josef returned home to Czech Republic with his tail between his legs and his manhood all but annihilated. But uh oh, THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS thought it would be a wise idea to bring ol Shitenak to the Igloo so Jaromir Jagr would have a poker buddy. He played 8 games and than left to go back to Czech BECAUSE HE WAS SO BLOODY TERRIBLE. Shitenak played for the Czech Olympic team and scored a goal in the goal medal game and parlayed that into another shot at the NHL and had his best season with the high flying Oilers again in 1999. But uh oh, he gets traded again to PITTSBURGH and stayed until 2001.

What was so bad about this guy? The man added nothing to the club. Josef was also SOFT and would fold up like a cheap tent when hit into the boards. He spent his days skating around the rink looking as if he was sight seeing rather than playing hockey. He was like me when I went to Blade Runners for free skates during high school except HE WAS A REAL NHL PLAYER. You aren’t FUCKING BRIAN BOITANO! Get out there and make a play. Blowsef added nothing in either offensely or defensely, powerplay or penalty killing but somehow continued to see significant ice time. The Pens also had other young players that probably could have benefited with that time but Josef was so vital to the team with his 16 goals in 91 GAMES often times playing with Jagr. For whatever reason, I don’t know why he bothered me so much when we add other poor performing players on the team. It might be his uncanny resemblance to Robert Deniro.

I’m watching you FOCKER and thankfully not watching Josef Berenak. Fucker.

4. Tim Lewis – Pittsburgh Steelers Defense Coordinator 2000 – 2003
Preferred Nickname: “Tiny” Tim

Lewis initially started off as our defense backs coach and was promoted once Jim Haslett left. You’d figure with some time behind Dom Capers, Dick Lebeau, Jim Haslett that you’d learn a thing or two about defense. Sadly, this was far from the case. In charge of a veteran defense with bourgeoning talent in Joey Porter, Aaron Smith, Casey Hampton, James Farrior as well as solid veteran base they played their worst under Tiny’s watch.

Pittsburgh was all about blitzing and Tim would blitz only on occasion while still maintaining the soft pass zone that Lebeau/Capers employed before that. The team defense rarely was in attack mode and was neither feared nor truly great despite defense stats and rankings. (For the record, this was a time when we were facing the likes of Anthony Wright, Jon Kitna/Jeff Blake, Tim Couch 8 times out of the season so no wonder we got such good rankings.) Tim would also use this guy (#3) despite there being much better talent on the bench. Tim was the sole reason the Steelers were considered a weak pass defense team with corners playing off and in zone form and without the blitzing that made the Steelers famous. Granted some of this was a talent issue also but unlike a good coordinator, Lewis did not mask his players weaknesses and doomed them. He was also a defensive backs coach and yet the defensive backs were all terrible. When Cowhard fired him, I think I threw a parade.

When the Giants signed this asshat in 2004, I was the first to scream you will rue the day you guys signed him. At first, hey this guy isn’t that bad only that tone to quickly change with every 3rd and 20 getting completed. Lewis is now the d-backs coach for the Carolina Panthers who were last seen failing to cover Larry Fitzgerald without Anquan Boldin. Bravo Tiny. Bravo.

3. FS Brent Alexander
Preferred Nickname: “Burnt” Alexander

Brent was one of Cowhard’s favorite players and thus one of the banes of my existence. Burnt was initially solid as a free safety. Cowhard said it was like “having a coach on the field” and maybe he was at first. ’01 was his finest year for the Steelers and he even beat out competition in ’02. Than like all “coaches on the field” he collapsed into a sea of shit. Partly because he became THE SLOWEST MAN ALIVE.

This combined with being the “last line of defense” means a lot of 3rd and long completions and big plays…AGAINST. Alexander was okay in run support as he was able to slowly creep to the line and make a tackle or two. The problem was in the pass game. Brent made a play on a passed football about as often as you see Jesus in a taco. Safeties also are known to hit. Alexander was no such man. Jarring hit? Fuhgetaboutit. Fumbles? ZIP. In 2002, He finished with a paltry 5 passes defensed, which is utterly piss poor for a starting FS in the NFL and especially one with the moniker of “coach on the field” and last line of defense. His work in the playoffs was no better as the immortal KELLY HOLCOMB and Steve McNair took turns laughing at his wretched range and combined for some 800 yards passing. 2003 was the worst year I’ve ever seen from a safety. Burnt was scorched, abused, and whipped in every game this season. On pass defense -- the primary job of a FS -- Burnt offered no more help than a cast-iron anchor tossed to a drowning man. His cement shoes, combined with unbelievably poor vision, "reading", and anticipation, made Burnt a rare culprit for breaking up an opponent's pass, and an even rarer -- delivering a bone-jarring hit to an enemy receiver. He finished with a paltry 6 passes defensed and 4 INTs. However, all of his INTs were not because of great plays by him but rather mere fair catches by opposing qbs. In his last season, Burnt also impeded the development of All Pros, Troy Polamalu and Chris Hope. For that very reason, I hate the guy and wished him off the team but apparently Cowhard felt having the coach out there was better. Behold, finally he got dumped in 2004 and the Steelers went 16-2.

2. Michel Ouellet
Preferred Nickname: It started out as Fucking Ouelette than mango salsa than Omlette and lastly Douchlette.

Yep. Just as Yinzer said Ouellet was the worst forward on skates I’ve seen since 1988. No player on the Penguins drew as much ire to me than him. His stats were okay to the naked eye but the dude got preferential treatment like nobody’s business thanks to head coach Michel Therrien.

Therrien is a fucking idiot and this alone proves it. It’s like when you played youth sports back in the day, and the coach was pushing his kid with excessive playing even though everyone knew he didn’t warrant. Ouellet did have decent hands but the problem with him is he PLAYS ICE HOCKEY where, you know, he has to move and keep moving. Ouellet couldn’t do that. He couldn’t stick handle. He couldn’t shoot accurately nor put any mustard on the puck. As a result, he was only effective near the front of the net where he could tap things in. The problem with that is that he isn’t physical enough to be the guy in front of the net. Don't get me wrong, I would enjoy watching Ouellet getting thrown and shoved around like an unwanted prostitute but he wasn't the right guy for that job. He even played on a line with Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal. How on earth did a guy get such a glorious opportunity? It was laughable trying to watch Ouellet trying to keep up with Malkin. It was more frustrating to watch him fuck up chance after chance. He got his points but really Ouellet was the argument for why secondary assists shouldn’t be counted as stats. The worst aspect of the Ouellet plague was the fans that stuck with him and you had to listen to constantly. HE’S IMPROVING, HE SCORES, HE’s PHYSICAL, they clamored from keyboards, bars and arenas. Indeed quite true. Ouellet added lightly tapping into defenders after they passed the puck as one of his new features. In fact the worthless SOB didn’t even check them hard and was lauded by the lemmings as “Great” and “improving”, “steal for the money,” and "solid defensively" among other vomit-inducing nomenclature.

You may think I’m being dramatic or exaggerated but I would not do that you dear SUS reader. Ouellet was an RFA in ‘07 and his contract was $500k, meaning his qualifying offer would be $550k, $100k above the LEAGUE MINUMUM of $450k. GM Ray Shero earned my good graces forever by not even allowing the Penguins to be riddled with mediocrity and responded by not giving a qualifying offer. If a team you scored 19 goals for doesn’t want to even retain the right to talk to you at $100k above the minimum that must say something. Omlette is currently pursuing a career in acting as the "mango salsa with the roast duck" caveman.

1. Willie Colon
Preferred Nickname: Willie “The” Colon, Colon, FAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

I should put one current player up here and that right now to me is Willie Colon, RT of the AFC Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. From Hofstra, The Colon was a mid round pick and by all accounts a guard. Under the brilliance of Russ Grimm, however, Colon became our starting RT towards the end of the 2006 season. Just a slight issue with this. RT’s are supposed to be a team’s run blocker with massive wingspans, tallest, not the best feet but usually the ones with the nastiest intentions.

At 6-3” tall, he’s an extremely rare breed in the NFL, as there is at most 1 other starting OT in the league that short. Moreover, Colon is blessed with two short arms. He is a more or less a version of a T-Rex. Short, stubby arms and SLOW.

Willie Colon fails to stay pasted to the defender due to his weaknesses. His short arms and slow feet make him a liability run blocking and sealing the edge on outside runs. His poor technique and limited strength make him a liability in the interior run game where he fails to often get movement. As a token rule, you know they're doing their jobs when: If the QB is still standing at the end of a play, and the running backs find an inside path into enemy territory. This happens just about as often for Colon as Micheal Bay directing a good movie. Most NFL defenders can beat Colon to the edge with speed, back to the inside with quickness and technique, and up his chest with the bull rush. The T-rex’s arms can’t get the first punch in more often than not and the defenders either squash any run game or are usually chasing QB Ben Roethlisberger.

With genetics aside, Colon also fails to grasp the mental aspect of the game. Constantly failing to simply lineup consistently for the Colon is one major issue. Why every game this clown can’t stay still the ball is snapped I’ll never know. Oh wait no, I do know. It’s cause he’s terrible and trying to do anything to overpower an opponent. I wonder if his jumps/false starts are an attempt to overcome a deficiency like lack of foot movement. If he cant get a quick start he wont be able to sustain his block. He will also hold someone at least once a game too because of his poor fundamentals.

To make matters worse is the fact that the Colon doesn’t shut up. He is a soundbite machine to the media who probably thinks they are interview Steeler all pro, Casey Hampton, instead of the worthless Colon. Almost weekly, you can see the Colon front and center in articles.

"They weren't better than us; I'll say it to their face," offensive tackle Willie Colon said. This was after Willie got tooled on repeatedly by the likes of Tuck, Tollefson and Robbins.

"You got to ‘bleeping' protect Ben this week," Colon recalled a fan bellowing in a parking lot at Wal-Mart earlier this season. Colon put up his hands and replied: "Man, I'm just trying to buy a loaf of bread."

"People called us the worst offensive line in the NFL," says right tackle Willie Colon. "I've gotten mail calling me the worst right tackle in the league. I've had an old lady cuss me out on the street.

"We don't like them," Colon says. "It's the history, but it's also the arrogance and the disrespect they show us."

Even his act has tired the normal lemming like yinzers who normally buy the Steeler company policy hook line and sinker. If you are that obviously pathetic that old ladies on the street are cussing you out than you must be truly shit. Oh yea, his favorite team is the Giants. If you guys signed Tiny Tim and Burnt Alex than by all means Willie the Colon should be showing up in Giant Blue any minute now and let me tell you that your heart/liver will not be happy.

1 comment:

eIm MoDel said...

willie colon= one of the worst names in pro sports