Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sports figures we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies (First of a SUS series)

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Yinzer’s five Sports figures he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemies

5. Jim Leyland/Stan Belinda

You’re going to have to think back to a time where the Pittsburgh Pirates where actually a good team. A stretch I know, and yes, it was during our lifetime, the early 90’s to be precise. Belinda was the favorite reliever of then manager Jim Leyland, when he only looked sixty instead of ten years dead. Here’s the problem: everyone but Leland knew Belinda sucked. And when you’re in the ninth inning and about to advance to the World Series, you don't put your worst reliever in. But that’s exactly what Leyland did, and what happened? The Braves advanced and the Pirates stayed home. Belinda blew the most important game of his life, just like he blew every other game he ever pitched in. Seriously, Leyland was the only person in the entire city that didn’t know to not put Belinda in. So while Belinda is terrible, fault must also be put on Leyland for being such an idiot hence the two being lumped together.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Fucking Belinda/ Fucking Leyland

It’s one of those things that the person infuriates you so much that you don't even bother to put the effort in to coming up with a nickname. Just that convenient adjective that starts with an “f.

4. Michel Ouellet

Ouellet was a winger for the Penguins for two years. He was a favorite of coach Michel Therrien, and that just aggravates me more. Therrien gave him every chance and then some to succeed while immediately benching anyone else that made a single mistake. For a scoring forward I’ve never seen someone kill so many offensive chances for their own team. He was so slow I actually expected Malkin to grab him by the wrist and drag him up ice. He couldn’t hit the net while moving at the same time, or if he was further than five feet out, yet managed to get top line duty constantly. Watching Ouellet was like watching a five year old playing in the ten year old age bracket: all he did was race to keep up.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Mango Salsa

Well, not really my nickname, but a popular one on the hockey message board I frequent. Why you ask? Well, it’s because Ouellet looks like the Geico caveman who orders the duck with the mango salsa. And it’s just fun to say.

3. Sean Mahan

Mahan was the center for the Steelers for a single year. He was signed as a free agent then promptly dealt the next to free up cap space. I am not embellishing when I say he could not hike the ball and remain standing at the same time. Nearly every play he would hike it then subsequently fall to the ground. If he somehow maintained his balance, a light breeze would often topple him. At one point I actually did an objective comparison between Mahan and a piece of crap (since that’s what everyone kept calling him) on which is better at the position. The piece of crap won. Hands down. He couldn’t block anyone, and was a big reason the Ben got sacked so much because he’d just let the defensive linemen right in. His play can only be described as horrid. Note: I couldn’t find a picture of him in action, so I put a typical scene with him in play. Notice he is nowhere to be found and Ben is getting sacked.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Gayhan

Credit goes to Mahatma for this one, but I adopted it because it was fitting. I think it speaks for itself.

2. Jim Haslett

Yes, the interim coach of the St. Louis Rams. Why you say? Well you know how the Steelers have always been known for their defense? Well when Haslett arrived to replace defensive coordinator and demigod Dick Lebeau after taking a head coaching job, Haslett got the job and ruined the Steelers defense like he was George W. Bush handling the US Economy. The blitzes stopped. The prevent was used to start the 4th quarter with a seven point lead. Pressure on the QB was nonexistent. Talent alone held the Steelers defense together. I still remember in high school saying how he instantly ruined the defense (honestly, two games in I would have fired the man), yet no one would listen. Then Haslett goes to New Orleans to coach and all of a sudden the Steelers defense leaps back towards the top of the league. I preached for three years Haslett was a problem and after he left everyone finally admitted I was right. I hate this man, and I am always hoping he maintains a head coaching job because it means he can never suck the life out of the Steelers defense again.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: That asshole who ruined our defense

Nope, nothing fancy here. I didn’t go for anything creative or a single word. He’s just that asshole that ruined one of the league’s best defenses.

1. Ian Moran

Do you know this man? No, you don’t, but us Penguins fans know him very well. He is possibly the worst defenseman to ever play hockey. Ever. He couldn’t hit, clear the net, shoot, move the puck or cover his man. In other words, he lacked any skills that are needed to some extent out of every NHL defenseman. For years people made excuses for him, saying “he was a good guy” or “he tries hard” or even worse, “he’s versatile” because he was moved to wing a few games where he was equally useless. And this went on for eight years. EIGHT YEARS!!! And every game there he was getting top four minutes, not even having the decency to get injured and miss games every once in a while. You know how the Penguins became synonymous with no defense? Ian Moran was a big part of that. He is truly the worst NHL player I have ever seen. Oh yeah, and he’s a Masshole too.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Ian Moran

In the Yinzer family, Ian Moran has actually become the gravest insult we can bestow on one another. Imagine you’re arguing and start the name calling, then you get hit with “Ian Moran.” It’s like going straight to the triple dog dare. Back in the day, insults like this started duels.


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