Reasons for a self-loathing Yankee fan to hate every Yankee

Ok, this guy's not exactly of the self-loathing mold, but look at the tool on his left who gets to sit next to the greatest current NBA baller?


The other day, I did my part to stimulate the economy by trying to spend a $50 MLB gift card. But a funny thing happened-I couldn't find any Yankee stuff worth buying. Basically, each Yankee numbered t-shirt I found, I gave myself a seemingly rational excuse not to show my love for that player. It made me realize two things:

1. I hope this is the year that the NHL postseason lasts until August.
2. I probably hate every player on this Yankee team.

Time to prove #2! First the position guys:

Jorge Posada
-For a guy who was here for the World Series years, find me a big hit he had between '98 and '01. Sure, he had a big hit vs. Boston in '03, but didn't '04 pretty much nullify anything positive from '03?
-So he's coming off of major surgery? Good, I hear most guys who are 37 respond well to surgery in the post-steroids era.
-And the starting Yankee catcher is 37? How many catchers still catch (or hit) effectively at this age?
-So Posada is an old veteran who can still hit well enough that he should be a DH? I wonder if the Yankees have any more of these guys. I bet we'll find out.

Mark Texiera

Fill in the blank: In first baseman ______________ the Yankees are getting a guy who is the best hitter available in the free agency market. Sure, they signed him to a longer deal than normal, but as long as he continues to hit as he has, this shouldn't be a problem, should it? I mean, after all, he's a nice enough guy, who cares if he makes more than the Zimbabwe GDP? What can go wrong?

A: I would have accepted Jason Giambi or Mark Texiera

Robinson Cano
Let's just say that the first pitch of the MLB season is a few months away, and Cano is already trying to swing at it. And this from the most successful Yankee hitting prospect since his double play partner.

Derek Jeter
As a kid who first started following the Yankees around 1993, I always referred to Mattingly as Donnie Backache more than Donnie Baseball. Likewise, there's an 11 year old out there who must be wondering how someone who hits into double plays as much as Derek Jeter is so loved by the hometown faithful. And I'm not saying Jeter is a lousy defensive shortstop, but it was unreal watching light hitting Alberto Gonzalez play the position last year, if only to see how much range an average shortstop actually has.

A-Rod
Too easy. But let's just put the over/under on the number of double plays or strikeouts vs. the Red Sox after the sixth inning next year for A-Rod is 14. And I'm taking the over.

Johnny Damon
In Damon's defense, he's a pretty good leftfielder. But he's also the starting centerfielder. And Damon's a pretty clutch player, but can someone who's not the leadoff hitter please be the most clutch Yankee hitter? And he's going to be hurt at some point next year where he's going to have to DH at certain points. So that's one more guy who is going to be DH-ing along with Posada.

Brett Gardner
Apparently he's the top Yankee prospect. In related news, he's a .228 hitter with a .283 on base percentage. And that's after he had a very good September. He's a very fast player with a solid arm who has a ceiling as a .280 hitter. What, exactly, can this guy do that Melky can't?

Xavier Nady
Eh, I'm ok with this guy. In related news, the Yankees are trying to trade him. Smart.

Hideki Matsui
There was a time when Matsui was a fairly good outfielder. Unfortunately, that time has passed. And if the Yankees want Posada's bat in the lineup for more than 80 games, this guy's going to have to play left field. Everything about his outfield play sucks: how he handles fly balls, his arm, his speed, everything. And we're going to have to see him in the outfield for about 30-40 games if not more. Should've traded him years ago, but the Steinbrenners need that Japanese money. 3rd guy, along with Damon and Posada who's going to need significant time at DH if the Yanks want to see his bat.