Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sports Figures We Wouldn't Wish On Our Worst Enemies

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Click here to see who Mahatma wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.
Click here to see who Yinzer wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.

Will Allen

White Boy had a theory that held up for most of Allen’s time in blue. Every pass that Allen should pick off would be batted down. Every pass that Allen should bat down would be caught. This theory held up nicely until Allen’s last year here, when Allen would nearly pick off a pass, the ball would go through his hands, and the opposing wr would catch the ball. So it would go from a pick to a completion. Oh, and have I mentioned that Allen, during most of this time, was our #1 cornerback?

(But the worst part? Allen was tantalizingly FANTASTIC in Madden. I remember one season I had with him where he had 7 interceptions for 7 touchdowns. In the early ‘00’s, I would get him up to a 99 rating in 2 seasons, max. Oh, the pain!)

Steve Thomas

For a scorer, Thomas sure had a tendency to miss the net. And by missing the net I mean taking a shot from the slot and having the puck go into the stands. And oh-by-the-way, this is the guy the Devils got in a trade for Conn Smythe winner Claude Lemieux after the ’95 season. When Pepe was traded, it was one of three times in which I full-out cried over a sporting event. And bringing in Steve Thomas to apparently give out pucks to the Devil faithful wasn’t the best way to replace Lemieux. Fuck this, I actually would love to see the Rangers offer this guy a 5 year $10 million contract.

Kelly Stinnett

Look, I’m ok with backup catchers sucking. But if a backup catcher is going to suck he has to at least be either a) young so there’s at least hope for improvement, no matter how false said hope turns out to be (see: Nieves, Wil) or b) a veteran who has had some good years who can impart some veteran wisdom on the current catcher. Stinnett was the worst of both worlds-he was an old backup catcher who never truly had a prime. Unless he’s going to experience his best season at the age of 40, having a 35 year old backup catcher who is yet to experience his ‘prime’ is just a waste of a roster spot. Somewhere out there, Wil Nieves has kids to feed.

Jimmy of Playmakers fame

Now before you start scouring IMDB for a show named Playmakers, stop. The Playmakers was the intramural football team that Mahatma, BH and I were on for roughly three years in college. Well ok, Mahatma and BH were only around for two years due to a torn acl and sabbatical, respectively. Our team was solid, putting forth a Warren Moon-Houston Oilers type run of getting into the playoffs but never being able to get over the hump. Man, those championship t-shirts would’ve been sweet.

But this isn’t about us, it’s about our wide receiver Jimmy. Jimmy was a Plax-like 6’4 but a Shawn Bradley-esque 120 lbs. But he was fast. Due to his speed, he would inevitably get open. And even if he wasn’t open, he was still tall enough to catch a jump ball over the cornerbacks. How did we know that he was always open? HE TOLD US EVERY F*$KIN TIME HE CAME BACK TO THE HUDDLE. So inevitably the quarterback would throw it to him, hit him in stride, Jimmy would get his hands on the ball…and he’d drop it. And then when the quarterback looked the other way the next throw? Hey guys, I’m open! And the QB would throw it his way, it would get dropped, and this cycle would repeat itself over and over again. Professional or not, I still wouldn’t wish Jimmy on my worst enemy.

1 comment:

Mahatma said...

If you are equating the Playmakers to the Oilers, that would mean 'Leprechaun' err Durwood Pickle would be Warren Moon...