Miss Met vs. Devo from the red carpet. Who ya got?

VS

It was an adequate year for movies at best, but regardless, let’s get into it:

Best Movie

“Atonement”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

Devo: If these are the best movies of the year, then this year was no better than a 6.5 out of 10. None of these movies were great, especially Atonement, which sucked. Country and Blood both had fairly significant flaws that I discussed previously. Country will win, but Blood was better. But more about what should have won below.

MissMet: It would be amazing if Juno pulled an upset and won. I don’t really see that happening- No Country for Old Men.

Best Actor

George Clooney in “Michael Clayton”
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah”
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”

Devo: Daniel Day-Lewis should win it, and I think he will. Part of me wants to see Tommy Lee Jones win, if only to see my Dad continue his bitching and moaning about how TLJ’s character in No Country For Old Men, was the most depressing character of all time.

MissMet: I’m going with the safe bet of Daniel Day-Lewis, because everyone and their mother says he’s going to win. Did anyone see Eastern Promises? I heard there was a naked fight in it, including Viggo. If this is Viggo circa Lord of the Rings, I’m in. I still pick Daniel though.

Best Actress

Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
Julie Christie in “Away from Her”
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose”
Laura Linney in “The Savages”
Ellen Page in “Juno”

Devo: Don’t care unless Ellen Page wins. And even then, not really. I guess I’ll say Julie Christie, just because.

MissMet: My aunt and uncle saw Away from Her and said it was pretty much the most devastating thing they’ve seen in awhile. When I asked how Julie Christie was, my aunt replied, “Oh, she was good.” The bold and italics represent the infection which she said the word good, because I cannot recreate it for you over the interweb. I can’t argue with that- Julie Christie.

Best Supporting Actor

Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War”
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild”
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

Devo: With all apologies to Philip Seymour Hoffman, this award has to go to Bardem, friendo.

MissMet: Javier Bardem just because of his haircut. Oh and he was supposedly amazing in this role.

Best Supporting Actress

Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster”
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone”
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

Devo: Boo to Amy Ryan for giving McNulty the shaft in The Wire. This’ll probably go to Cate Blanchett for playing a female, Victorian-Age Bob Dylan.

MissMet: Apparently, Ruby Dee is the sentimental favorite because she’s so old. Saoirse Ronan is a prodigy because she’s so young. Let’s say Amy Ryan, just so we have one different pick. Plus, she’s a New Yorker acting with a thick Boston accent. If that’s not an acting stretch then I dunno what is....

Final Thoughts:

Devo: As long as Atonement didn’t win anything important, it’s been a good Oscar Year. But three dramas were all better than the nominees: American Gangster, Gone Baby Gone, and Kite Runner. And also, the Eddie Vedder Into the Wild song got screwed.

MissMet: I really hope the song “Falling Slowly” from Once wins Best Original Song. I hope that Jon Stewart is damn funny and I hope that there aren’t any wardrobe malfunctions.

Guitar Hero Ramblings

Ok so let me be the lone asshole on this site to admit that he has Guitar Hero and he plays it frequently (ok not that frequently, let's say twice a week) so that his Midtown Manhattan neighbors can all laugh at him and send him disturbing craigslist postings but I digress. I might be getting a little to old for video games but when the fuck was it necessary to utilize all the digits on one's fingers?

Do you remember the old school games when we only needed 2 fingers at max. I MISS THOSE DAYS. Goddammit that a man doesn't have other shit to do that utilizes all 5 phalanges. It truly limits a man's potential (oh and let me guess a female's potential as well).

Look here video game makers, the time has come to realize who you are dealing with. My generation was all about the the a,b, start and nothing more. When you make it necessary to utilize our pinky and ring fingers, my gawd, you are just asking for it. Sure, kids these days know how to utilize all 5 fingers but i'm still an old motherfucker and I am resistant to change. Just for that, the next little asshole I see in an arcade, i'm going to knock the fuck out. Fuck you for you showing up your elders you prick kid.

Sure most of you will tell me to take my ass to the practice mode, but FUCK YOU. I want to rock out too. I just happen to have difficulty on medium mode. EH fuck it. I'll just out rock these kids on Rockband. (I CHALLENGE ANYONE TO A KAROKE SHOWDOWN)

Anyways, yes i'm a loser and I stand by it.

Saddest Movie Deaths

The title is self explanatory. In the words of Bill "Kick the field goal" Cowher "Let's go!"


10) Mufasa (Voice of James Earl Jones), Lion King

Though I was one of the few that didn’t watch the lion king, I of course heard everything about it, including the death of the father lion. Apparently a big deal, kind of akin to Bambi’s mom getting owned by a hunter back in the day, and after all it was Disney, but I heard it was upsetting, so since the movie was popular here he is.



9) Blue (Patrick Cranshaw), Old School

Blue was awesome, but you had to feel bad when the old timer bought it. Furthered enhanced by Will Ferrell’s rendition of ‘Dust in the Wind’ it was the only sad moment of the movie. But you got to give it to Blue he went out the way we all want to go: wrestling with topless chicks in a pool of Vaseline. Or just anything with topless chicks would do really.



8) Maximus (Russell Crow), Gladiator

Ok, it wasn’t totally sad because he met up with his wife and son in the afterlife, but still. After being betrayed by an incest loving douche he fought his way through the ranks shitting on everyone in his path. Hell, even his name Maximus was bad ass! He even ruined a Tiger’s shit for god’s sake. A fricken Tiger! When a guy that does that dies it is a sad day indeed.




7) Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), American Beauty
Even though we knew he was going to die from being told in the opening lines, Lester was so awesome you couldn’t help but be sad when he did die. The guy did everything all of us want to do in just saying “fuck it all” and enjoy life. As he said I rule!”




6) Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis), Armageddon

Though there wasn’t a whole lot to Willis’ character in the movie, somehow he grew on you. Though you could see the ending coming a mile away (what a surprise with Michael Bay, but I digress) you still felt sad as the caring father in him stayed behind to split the asteroid so his daughter could marry the man she loved, even if it was Ben Affleck.




5) Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks), Saving Private Ryan

Frankly I don’t think Matt Damon was worth it, but that’s me. Hanks portrayed an ordinary guy who was liked in his community forced into war where he didn’t belong. He always kept his humanity and was the calming force through the movie. Probably sadder is how he died in that the one pansy in his squad that made them let the Nazi go came back and killed half of them, Hanks included. I hate that guy, especially since he’s that fucking annoying in every movie he does.



4) Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers), Rocky IV

Apollo should still be alive and kicking. Granted he was dumb and didn’t want Rocky to throw in the towel, but that jackass from Philly wouldn’t throw it in and Apollo died because of it (what a surprise a Philly guy fucked up). Apollo was awesome, Rocky is the one who should have been killed in the ring, less people would have cared.




3) Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer), Blade Runner

Rutger Hauer’s character was made to kill other living things, and that’s exactly what he did. Yet in his final words he managed to utter a few sentences that made you realize all he wanted in life was the same thing we all wanted, and you instantly sympathize with him and mourn his death. That’s good writing there.



2) T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Terminator 2
It’s hard to imagine actually feeling bad when a robot meant to kill humans dies, though Terminator 2 pulled it off. We saw as he learned about human emotions, talked slang that was supposedly popular but none of us ever remember actually using and continually blew shit up. Somehow this murderous robot found a place in our hearts and in the end we were saddened as he was lowered into molten steel and gave a thumbs up as he went.



1) Optimus Prime (voice of Peter Cullen), Transformers the Movie

What is worse than watching your favorite cartoon character die on when your five years old? Nothing! That’s why this is number one (that and if you know me enough you knew it would be here). We all loved Optimus Prime in his infinite wisdom and awesomeness, and yet the writers saw fit to kill him. It was bullshit. Granted they brought him back because they got so many fan letters demanding it, but still, it sucked and many parents had to drag their crying kids out of the theatre. I mean, 20 years later and people like me are still bitching about it, that’s impact right there.

And worst of all? The douchebag that that got him killed took over as leader! Mother fucker, I still hate that piece of shit.

Get Ready for My Superbowl Sunday

The end of February is quickly approaching, sports and entertainment fans (yes, even with the leap year!), so you know what that means. It's Academy Awards Time! Oscar night has always been an important one in my life. Every year, I gear up by seeing (some of) the films, reading analysis, making my predictions and getting extra excited on the Big Night. Even when I was in elementary school, say 9 or 10 years old, I would get downright giddy as the stars would arrive on the Red Carpet. What were they wearing? Who was their date? What kind of asinine questions would Joan Rivers ask? Some things have changed about the show since then. Up until a few years ago, the show was in March and on a Monday night. Back then, I would always equate the Oscars with the end of winter, because something else fantastic happened on that night: the softball draft pick. My dad coached my softball team for five years, and every Oscar night, he would come home with a new team (mostly made up of my friends, duh). This forever coupled my love for sports with my love for entertainment.

True, the show is always too long. It has one too many montages. Parts of it are kinda boring. There are way too many commericals. I'm usually a zombie the next day at school/work. For some reason though, every year I get that same excitement. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that so many movie stars are in one room at once, and that a lot of them are fabulous. I really don't know what it is and a lot of people don't give a shit about them at all. With all that being said, you know where I'll be on Sunday night from 7ish (Red Carpet pre-shows!)-about 11:45: planted in front of my tv and enjoying every minute of it.

Coming Soon: An Oscar Pick Showdown between Devo and MissMet.

The Douchebags of Hockey- Eastern Conference Edition

Hockey, the game adored by Canadians as if it were a religion. The game on ice where men hit a rubber mass with a stick. A game where men dressed in full pads slam into each other and sometimes remove the gloves to fight. A game of speed and skill, of blood, sweat and tears. A game filled with douchebags.

That’s right, even hockey has it’s fair share of doucehbags as douchebaggery is everywhere, all the time. But there is always that one guy who is a bigger douchebag then the next, so we’ll take a look, team by team, of the biggest douchebag they have.


Atlantic Division

New Jersey Devils
Cam Jannsen- got rid of the puck ten seconds ago, still not too long for cam to skate across the ice and blindside you. This guy has no problem hitting late, from behind or just out and out cheap shotting you.
Honorable Mentions- Lou Lamoriello for the trap bullshit, Jay Pandolpho super scrub extraordinaire, John Madden since the league refuses to call any penalties on him, Colin “2 Handed Slash” White Special douche in training: David Clarkson
Team Douche Level: 7


New York Islanders
Chris Simon- He’s received the two longest suspensions in NHL history within a year’s time, two handed one guy in the face with a stick on stepping on another with his skate.
Honorable Mentions- Brendan Witt who tries to act tough but even admits he refuses to fight, Andy Sutton cause he sucks shit, owner Charles Wang for obvious reasons, Rick DouchePiedro
Team Douche Level: 7


New York Rangers
Ryan Holweg- You’re probably wondering why not Sean Avery, well, yes, Avery is a douchebag. But Avery hasn’t made a career of hitting people from behind. Avery is a prick that needs and ass kicking, Holweg is just a plain old douche.
Honorable Mentions- Sean Avery, Marik Malik since he’s the scapegoat, Colton Orr, Scott Gomez Mr. “I will never play for the Rangers”
Team Douche Level: 8


Philadelphia Flyers
The Whole Team- there is just way too much douchebaggery on the Flyers to give it to one single guy. Sure, players like Downie, Cote or Biron come up, but really it’s a team effort and they all deserve recognition.
Team Douche Level: 10


Pittsburgh Penguins
Jarkko Ruutu- he dives, he hooks, he yaps he hits when your head is turned. The ever hated Ruutu easily takes the title for the Pens.
Honorable Mentions- Gary Roberts for diving on goalies, Sidney Crosby just cause you hate him
Team Douche Level: 4






Northeast Division

Boston bruins
Zdeno Chara- he’s really not a douche but no one on the Bruins really is (quite the achievement being in the City of Massholes). But he’s big and you can’t retaliate much against him, so he gets it.
Honorable Mentions- Peter Chiarelli, cause I need an honorable mention and he sucks
Team Douche Level: 2


Buffalo Sabres
Andrew Peters- he goes around trying to pick fights, that’s douchey enough for me.
Honorable Mentions- Maxim Afinogenov, Tomas Vanek for stealing money
Team Douche Level: 4


Montreal Canadiens
Maxim Lapierre- he cheap shots giving guys a spear or jab when they aren’t looking then acts all innocent afterwards. Douche.
Honorable Mentions-mike Komisarek,
Team Douche Level: 5


Ottawa Senators
Chris Neil- while normally the tough guy of the team gets the nod, Neil beats out McGratton for the honor. After learning the martial arts in Asia Neil returned as a master of the Flying Elbow style of combat, always leaving his feet in order to take someone’s head from their neck.
Honorable Mentions- Brian McGratton, Ray Emery who idolizes Mike Tyson, Daniel Alfredsson whose last name in Swedish means “douchebag”, Christof Schubert- successfully running people since 2005, Mike Commodore, just look at this guy and tell me he’s not an uber douche http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/topstory/sports/commodore_mike041027.jpg
Team Douche Level: 9


Toronto Maple Leafs
Wade Belak- Toronto has always lead the pack in doucehbags, and at one time fielded an al DB team with the likes of Bryan Marchment and Tie Domi to lead the way, but have calmed down in recent years. The winner is Wade Belak who has no real talent to speak of, contributes nothing on a nightly basis yet has held a job there for seven years.
Honorable Mentions- Darcy Tucker, Hal Gill, Nik Antropov
Team Douche Level: 8



Southeast Division

Atlanta Thrashers
Ilya Kovulchuk- practically prances around on his skates like a fairy and makes douche gestures all the time, including the finger point which he loves the most, and that is an uber douche move.
Honorable Mentions- Bobby Holik
Team Douche Level: 4


Carolina Hurricanes
Erik Cole- Though he faced a good amount of competition (Mike Commodore was still on the team when I began writing this), Cole takes it. Why you say? After getting injured by turning his back to an open ice hitter as he was about to be hit, Cole threw a pity party for the next nine months about it, and even said after winning the Stanley Cup it would be better if he wasn’t hurt. He won the greatest treasure in hockey and still complained. Then, after complaining about getting hit from behind has developed an affinity for doing it himself making him a Grad A Hypocrite.
Honorable Mentions- Justin Williams for always giving a cheap shot then running away,
Team Douche Level: 8



Florida Panthers
Steve Montador- he cant do anything but hit late.
Honorable Mentions- yeah, I really got nothing. This was much easier when they had Peter Worrell.
Team Douche Level: 2



Tampa Bay Lightning
Vinny Lecavalier- I’m going for the outright biased pick because he always $@&%ing scores on the Pens. That’s pretty much it.
Honorable Mentions- Nick Tarnasky, Matheiu Darche: just cause it sounds douche
Team Douche Level: 3


Washington Capitals
Alexander Ovechkin- again, a biased pick because he’s always trying to outshine Crosby and hit Malkin. He finally succeeding in out performing Crosby, but only because Crosby didn’t play that game, and he went to hit Malkin who pulled a classic matador move and sent Ovechkin sailing into the boards with a miss. Stop being a douche Alex and accept you are Crosby’s lesser.
Honorable Mentions- Alexander Semin: prick (unintentional pun), Donald Brashear, John EerskineTeam Douche Level: 6

SUS celebrates Black History Month with The Wire, Part 2: The Gangsters

The OG’s

Avon Barksdale
The original target of the Wire in Season 1. Sent to jail in season 1, out in season 2, and back in for good in season 3. Believed that he was born a kid of the streets and that in spite of his rise to the top of the Baltimore drug trade, the only way to gain power was by force. Is generally loyal to his people, in spite of the fact that he went to jail in season 3 because Stringer Bell ratted him out. Was one of many irrelevant characters to have a short cameo in season 5.

Stringer Bell
Probably my third favorite character on the show. He was Avon’s right-hand man and lifelong partner in crime. Avoiding jail, he was the head of the Barksdale crew while Avon was inside. Whereas Avon was always a straight up thug, Stringer aspired to make his earnings legitimate and invested in real estate with some crooked businessmen who eventually screwed him over. He killed Avon’s nephew when he was in jail while making it look like suicide because he was worried that he would talk to the cops. This made it much easier for Avon to give up Bell’s whereabouts to a couple of killers when they had a score to settle with him. One of the better deaths on the show.

D’Angelo Barksdale
Was in charge of dealing within the housing projects in Season 1. Served as a mentor to Bodie and others. Went to jail before the others towards the end of Season 1 and would have ratted out Avon and his crew except that his Mom, Avon’s sister made it clear that he had to take the weight. Worries about him ratting out the rest of the crew led to Stringer hiring someone in the jail to kill him and make it look like suicide. Another fantastically tragic death.

Bodie
I guess the theme with the OG’s is their cinematic yet amazingly sad deaths, and Bodie is no exception. He started out as an underling of D’Angelo in the projects, and came into his own as a dealer in seasons 2-4, getting his own corners. All this while Marlo, the head of the new school, came in and took away his territory. After one of his boys is needlessly killed by Marlo, he decries the ethics of the game to McNulty. (One could bring up the fact that he killed one of his boys, Wallace, for basically the same reasons in Season 1, but we’ll pass) One of the new school thugs saw this, told Marlo, and Bodie died defending his corner. R.I.P: last of the old school fools.

New School

Proposition Joe
Not so much a new character, but his character was developed a lot more in the 2^nd half of the show. He was introduced as Avon’s rival, but rose to the top of the Baltimore drug trade by forming a co-op. Came to realize that profits can be greater when all of the drug dealers work together. If only Barzini and Tattaglia realized this, Santino Corleone’s life could’ve been saved. Naturally, he got killed when a young punk wanted to run the whole thing. One of the top 4 saddest deaths on the show.

Marlo
The new HNIC. Was about to go to war with Avon to rule the city when Avon got arrested, leaving Marlo as the default leader. Rose to the top by being smart and absolutely ruthless. (Had his people kill everyone who even thought about crossing him and buried them in vacant apartments so that they’d never be found.) Didn’t rise to the top by being street smart or respecting his elders. (Killed Prop Joe when Joe was giving him a fair shake in the co-op. Joe was also the same man who taught him about wiring money, putting it in an offshore account, and the internet.)

Snoop
Look at this picture. Looks like a pretty small dude, right? Well it’s actually a chick. I’ve spent 3 unsuccessful seasons trying to find her tits. One of Marlo’s two hitmen. (hitpeople) She needs to die.

Chris
The other of Marlo’s hitmen that needs to die. Just a completely bad person with no redeeming qualities. Though in real life, he worked for the Corporation of National Service, the federal agency that oversees Americorps. For someone to do that altruistic work to play such an asshole…now THAT’S acting.

Cheese
M-E-T-H-O-D MAN! Like him a lot more when he’s a member of Wu-Tang Clan. As a rapper, he has charisma. On the Wire, he plans his uncle’s death. He too needs to die.

Kenard
This kid’s like 3’8, maybe 13 years old, but works the corner with a mouth and temperament of a 22 year old street tested thug. He doesn’t need to die, but someone should kick the shit out of him for an extended period of time.

Coming next week: City Hall & Co.

Did anyone bother to read the Mitchell Report?

Its been an interesting two months since former Senator George Mitchell released the "Report to the Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation into the Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball". Much has been said about the credibility of witnesses, the fact that the "accused are innocent until proven guilty", and that Sen. Mitchell is himself a deceptive individual who cant be trusted. Let me refute these incredibly asinine arguments.

1. The major sources for the information in the Mitchell report were Kirk Radomski and Brian McNamee. Thier cooperation with Sen. Mitchell was secured by allowing them to plead to lesser charges in thier respective cases on distribution of illegal substances(drugs, to the lay person). Now, some have said that makes them untrustworthy. Which is a logical argument, if you want to destroy our entire criminal justice system. For those of you who have never; talked to a lawyer, gotten arrested with your buddies, watched "Law & Order", watched "The Wire", watched any cop show ever, trading information for a lightened sentence is pretty much how criminal prosecutions work. It rewards the defendents who come clean early, and punishes those who continue to lie to investigators. So if that is an illegitimate concept, then you can go ahead and free probably 85-90% of the people in prison. I expect all you people calling McNamee and Radomski liars to be down at City Hall protesting for this tomorrow morning.

2. This was my favorite anti-Mitchell arguement of them all. Oh, these poor, upstanding baseball players, with thier names splashed across the front pages of newspapers across the country. THE HUMANITY!!! Poor guys, where can they hide their "innocent until proven guilty" faces? But hold on-what does that phrase actually mean? Lets go to the video tape-er-wikipedia. "The presumption of innocence — being innocent until proven guilty — is a legal right that the accused in criminal trials has in many modern nations." Now, I may be terribly mistaken, but I believe Sen. Mitchell was not bringing people up on charges. His report is addressed to the Commissioner of Baseball, not the local hanging judge. You see, the presumption of innocence is the basis of our trial system so that prosecutors have to convince a jury of your peers that you are guilty BEFORE THEY SEND YOU TO PRISON. This concept is to keep innocent people out of jail, not off the front pages. To protect against defaming statements(slander and libel), people are allowed to sue the person who made the defaming statements. Strangely, not one person named in the Mitchell Report has done this. In fact, the only responses from the individuals named have been confirmations of the accusations, non-denial denials and Roger Clemens's fascinating self-immolation on Capitol Hill. Lets not forget that Mitchell has NOTHING to do with the Congressional hearings, and that any perjury case against Clemens will stem from his own stratospherically egotistical decision to demand a public hearing in front of Congress, not from anything George Mitchell did.

3. This is the most ridiculous anti-Mitchell statement of them all. First, lets look at this guy's resume:

George John Mitchell, (born August 20, 1933) is a former Democratic Party politician and United States Senator who currently serves as chairman of the worldwide law firm DLA Piper and also as the Chancellor of the Queen's University in Belfast, Northern Ireland. He was the U.S. Senate Majority Leader from 1989 to 1995 and chairman of The Walt Disney Company from March 2004 until January 2007. He served as co-chairman (with Newt Gingrich) of the Congressionally mandated Task Force on the United Nations, which released its findings and recommendations on June 15, 2005. In 2007, he became a visiting Professor in Leeds Metropolitan University's School of Applied Global Ethics and the University is developing a new Centre for Peace and Conflict Resolution bearing his name. Since 1995, he has been active in the Northern Ireland peace process as U.S. Special Envoy to Northern Ireland. Mitchell first led a commission that established the principles on non-violence to which all parties in Northern Ireland had to adhere and subsequently chaired the all-party peace negotiations, which led to the Belfast Peace Agreement signed on Good Friday 1998 (known since as the Good Friday Agreement).

Now, after looking at that, you realize that the Mitchell Report is probably the least important thing this guy has ever done. This is a guy who has bigger fish to fry than weasely little Hank Steinbrenner and the yahoos in the Yankees front office. Hear this loud and clear Yankee (and Red Sox) fans: Not everything in the world is about the Boston-New York sports rivalry. George Mitchell is a "Director" of the Red Sox because hes a former Senator from Maine, not because he swore a blood oath to fabricate evidence to embarass the Yankees. They named a bunch of Yankees and Mets because they were getting info from guys who-thats right-WORKED FOR/WITH THE YANKEES AND METS!!! I know that this may be too logical for some of you out there, but Mitchell didnt want to mention players about whom he had no evidence. But what of Sen. Mitchells ultimate intentions? Surely they are the eventual uncovering of all the steroid users on the Yankees and thier prosecution and imprisonment, right? Lets see his conclusion on that: "An exhaustive investigation attempting to identify every player that has used illegal substances would not be beneficial." He said, there is gonna be no way to definitively prove or disprove whether each individual player juiced, so lets test everyone from here on out and let bygones be bygones. Seems pretty reasonable to me. Maybe we should all follow his advice.

New Jersey's prodigal son returns!

Keith Van Horn, one of two Nets to span the Jayson Williams "we almost beat the Bulls in one of the 3 games needed to win a 5 game series" era and the Jason Kidd "Holy shit, there's a basketball team in New Jersey?" era has returned home for the "Uh, what now?" era of Nets basketball. Van Horn has had to overcome a lot over the course of his career, most notably proving to critics that he did not have downs syndrome. Now he must overcome another controversy: being the white boy who got in the way of the first ever multi-Devin player deal. Sure, the Nets get Devin Harris, but couldn't they use a Devean (George)? Or are there enough Devins in New Jersey as is?

A little Weekend Youtubage (or is it spelled youtubeage?)

This was a classic from early 2k2. It was created by Bono originally to benefit Africa. Then 9/11 happened and it was done as a way to help 9/11 victims. And we mean no disrespect to those who lost someone at 9/11, but parts of the performances are accidentally hilarious. Most notably the three dude rappers who aren't exactly making it to the top of Mount Rapmore: Ja Rule, Nelly (My child aint done nothing wrong!), and Fred "What's that Osama? Shutthafuckup." Durst. Ah, 2001, when our music tastes were so young and naive.

My first memory associated with this video is sitting on my couch after a party, very drunk, and yelling "what's goin on" and either BH or my freshman year roommate would drunkenly slur "what's goin on." Not exactly how Marvin envisioned it, but I stand by it just the same.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 1

Since we can never truly ignore football, it’s time to shift our attention to the upcoming April NFL draft.

Here’s a mock draft for those who want to see some of the new major players playing on Sundays next year and coming to your team. This is obviously a crapshoot (pre combine + free agency) and likely be way off. To note, the order for Oakland, Atlanta and Kansas City will be determined by a coin flip. The Raiders can pick no lower then 4th. (KC no higher then 4th).

Miami Dolphins:

Needs: DT, WR, DE, QB, ILB, CB, FS, SS, OG

Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia

Plays Like: Aaron Kampman

The Dolphins can literally go everywhere as their team needs a complete overhaul on both sides of the ball. For the number 1 pick, only 3 players fit that value (McFadden, C. Long and Dorsey. Dorsey is an option here also but I feel Tuna goes with the more rarer of assets. The pass rushing DE that can play in either 3-4 or 4-3 as the Tuna will likely go to this hybrid style of defense. Like Father, like son, Long can do it all. He played college in a 3-4 and STILL got to the QB frequently despite being double teamed consistently. Long has the non stop motor similar to Kampman, VandenBosch and he has the arm length to gain leverage on unsuspecting Linemen.

2) St. Louis Rams:

Needs: OT, G, DT, DE, MLB, SS, CB, QB, WR

Pick: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU

Plays like: Warren Sapp

In a bit of a shock, The Rams will luck into Glenn Dorsey. Dorsey was unblockable last season in college football until a cheapshot limited his effectiveness. Regardless, he is widely considered the best DT coming up through the ranks since Warren Sapp. Difference is that Dorsey actually is a solid man and a class act. Dorsey can add the Rams rotation with La’Roi Glover and than allow Adam Carriker to move back to the DE role he rocked in college.

3) Atlanta Falcons:

Needs: QB, OT, FS, SS, RB, DT, MLB, K

Pick: Matt Ryan

Plays Like: Matt Hasselback

Ryan is a QB with a ton of upside and IQ with the size and arm strength to be a big time NFL QB. Ryan has the protypical QB size, above average arm strength and is extremely smart with the football. He played in a pro style offense @ BC (sucks) and is a great leader with intangibles out the wazoo. Falcons have nothing at the QB position and will need someone to build their Ron Mexico-less team around.

4) Oakland Raiders:

Needs: DT, OT, WR, SS, DE, SLB, G, C, RB

Pick: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC

Plays Like: Tommie Harris

Raiders need an interior pass rusher to help out since Warren Sapp retired. Ellis is a 1 gap defender who can shoot his gap and rush the passer. Ellis is the player that made USC’s defense what it is as he made a living playing in the opponent’s back field. Ellis’s stock is on the rise after the Senior Bowl and will likely be a top 5 pick. Raiders may draft McFadden here but if there is something we have seen is that teams should hold off on runningbacks as you can find any of the scrap heap and can plug in. Not to mention, the Raiders will likely have one of Lamont Jordan, Dominic Rhodes to go along with Huggy bear and 2^nd year steal Micheal Bush from Louisville. No reason to panic here and take McFadden but you never know with those wily Gaiders.

5) Kansas City:

Needs: OT, RG, CB, DT, QB, WR, FS, C

Pick: Jake Long, OT, Michigan

Plays Like: Marvel Smith

Long is a solid run blocker at the point of attack but will likely have his share of struggles in Pass pro at the pro game. Regardless, he’s a great prospect who can step in and immediately upgrade the Chiefs blocking. Long is the most polished of the OT in the draft and would likely have been a top 10 pick last year if he came out. He may not destroy people on every play but his size, strength (and hype) will make him the top OT pick in this year’s draft.

6) NY Jets:
Needs: DE, NT, OLB, WR, TE, RT, OG , CB

Pick: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

Plays Like: Ladanian Thomlinson

McFadden has the speed and athletic ability to cause damage to defenses at the next level. Not to mention, some offensive coordinators could get creative and use McFadden in formations similar to the wildcat at Arkansas. At this point, the Jets should take McFadden if he were available as he is one of the prospects that can be huge on the field and off the field. Jets will also look at Ellis, Gholston if they are both available but McFadden is the BEST player in this draft and at pick 6 you don’t pass that up and give a reason for Jetro fans to get stoked about this coming season.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 2

7) New England:
Needs: ILB, CB, FS, OLB, OT

Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State

Plays Like: Shaun Phillips

Pass rusher extraordinaire who can give this team a pass rusher with speed and skills. Gholston is the premier tweener in the draft and will likely get some attention from 4-3 teams as well. Regardless, he is the nation’s best pass rusher with developing skills at 3-4 OLB that can cover tight ends and running backs. The drafting of Gholston would allow Adalius Thomas or Mike Vrable to move to inside (where both of have played in their careers) in case one of Seau or Bruschi retires. Patriots typically do not draft corners high but watch just because I said that they will draft one here.

8) Baltimore

Needs: CB, QB, WR, OT, DE

Pick: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy

Plays Like: Deion Sanders

Troy Smith will likely be the starter next season but doesn’t mean a new staff in Baltimore is entirely intrigued with notion of him being a full time starter. As a result, the Rats will go QB later on the draft. The Rats have an aging defense that could ravaged as injuries mounted. The first pick is one of the latest risers in McKelvin. McKelvin came from the same school as Osi and Demarcus and his game is all about speed. McKelvin is a boom or bust pick but his speed his the great equalizer. McKelvin also has good size, excellent timed speed with a burst to close. He has solid footwork and a very good tackler. Did I also mention some great hands? For the record, also a dynamic return man. The weakness he has is his lack of competition coming from Troy and a very aggressive nature that can pay out of control at times.

9) Cincinnati:

Needs: DE, DT, S, LB, TE, WR, C

Pick: Keith Rivers, LB, USC

Plays Like: Lance Briggs

Rivers is one of the most athletically gifted linebackers in the draft who is extremely versatile and smart. He is listed at 6-2 236 and has the frame to grow more. Rivers can play outside or inside depending on scheme and package providing the Bungles have any idea how to run a team.

10) New Orleans:

Needs: CB, ILB, WLB, DT, RT, TE,

Pick: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida

Plays Like: Chris McCalister

From a physical standpoint, Jenkins has it all. He has solid size, and matches up well with most receivers. He is also an excellent athlete, that shows the quickness and change of direction ability to keep up with receivers in and out of breaks. Jenkins has developed excellent ball skills, and knows how to locate the ball in the air and make a play on it.

11) Buffalo:

Needs: LB, DT, CB, WR, TE, C, OT

Pick: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State

Plays Like: Tedy Bruschi

Connor is an all around standout linebacker. He is a player that can make the big play, but also the type of player you count on to lead your defense and consistently be around the action. He is athletic, and has the quickness and speed to cover in space. The rare trait he has, is that he has a knack for finding the ball and making a play on it that most linebackers do not possess. He also has the toughness and strength to stick his nose in between the tackles and stuff the run. He is the prototypical linebacker, and has everything you look for in a linebacker prospect. Connor has been slipping in some scout’s eyes but I’m going wait until the combine to suggest otherwise.

12) Denver:
Needs: DT, MLB, OT, G, RB, FS, SS

Pick: Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State

Plays Like: Orlando Pace

Clady is the prototype left tackle. He has a long, lean frame and is an excellent athlete. He easily mirrors defenders in pass protection, and shows excellent lateral agility. He is an excellent pass protector, and should keep his Cutler’s jersey clean on a consistent basis. Clady can use some time gaining strength but he will fit in well with Denver.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 3

13) Carolina:

Needs: OT, WR, S, RB, DE, SLB

Pick: Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt

Plays Like: D’Brickashaw Ferguson

Williams has a lot of talent. He has all the physical tools to play on Sundays, and eventually start. He is a good athlete that has the lateral agility to keep his quarterback clean. He also has the size and strength to match up with bigger ends and not get pushed around. He has experience at both tackle and guard, which gives him more than one position to try and stick at. Williams is raw but is gaining traction amongst various draft experts for that dreaded p word. (No not that p word…potential) Carolina has had an underachieving line for years now. A stronger line will help the running game and than the Delhomme and the pass attack can only benefit.

14) Chicago:

Needs: QB, LT, RB, WR, FS, LG, SS

Pick: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville

Plays Like: Marc Bulger

Chi town has big time concerns on the offensive side of the football. Obviously, Rexy is too inconsistent to be in your long term plans so I look for the Bears to fix that QB position. Brohm struggled this season for Louisville but that wasn’t because of him. Brohm has it all from a physical standpoint. He has a nice frame, and is sturdy enough to sit in the pocket and take a hit. His arm is excellent, and he can make all the throws. He is also a good athlete with the mobility to elude the rush and buy more time. On the field, Brohm has proven to be an extremely efficient QB, making smart decisions and not turning the ball over very often. The negative for Brohm is that he has some injury concerns over his past 4 season at Louisville.

15) Detroit:

Needs: CB, RT, DE, SLB, S, G,

Pick: Dominique Rogers Cromartie, CB, Tenn. State

Plays Like: Antonio Cromartie

Detroit will likely be losing its two top corners this season who weren’t anything to write home about anyway so might as well go for the guy who is rapidly rising on everyone’s draft board. DRC had a stellar senior bowl where he shut down anyone he was matched up against. He’s got it all. Speed, tackling and excellent footwork. The only issue for him is the lack of competition. Regardless, DRC showed he can hang with the best seniors in the country and may possibly be the top corner selected after the scouting combine.

16) Arizona:
Needs: CB, RB, FS, LB, DL, OG, WR,
Pick: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon

Plays Like: Steven Jackson

Sadly, Stewart is a true stud and deserves way better in this mock. Stewart is a tough runner who combines athleticism and speed with raw power. He's a tough tackle for anyone and is almost certain to break the tackle in the open field on a defensive back. He has some outstanding balance and the added abilirty to break arm tackles. Big back with size @ 235 pounds with great feet that also runs hard. Has some injury concerns but is a superstar in the making and will gladly be a boost to Edge James.

17) Minnesota:

Needs: G, QB, WR, DE, DT, FS, SS, CB, RS, FB, TE, LB*, RT

Pick: Malcom Kelly, WR, Oklahoma

Plays Like: Roy Williams

Kelly has an impressive collection of talent. He has excellent size, and has shown the ability to go over the middle and take a hit. His size also is on display in one on one situations, as he towers over most corners. Kelly combines that size with excellent athletic ability. He has the ball skills to go up and tangle with the defender in the air and come down with the football. His size and athleticism should make him a major threat in the red zone. He does lack breakaway speed but Kelly is by no means slow.

18) Houston:
Needs: OL, RB, FS, SS, CB

Pick: Kenny Phillips, S, Miami, Fla.

Plays Like: Mike Huff

In its 5 year existence, Houston has yet to experience good safety play. Luckily, for them, the best safety prospect in the draft comes to the Texicans to help give them some sort of help on the backend. Phillips has elite skills with speed and tackling ability. He could actually you know kind of support Dunta Robinson in the secondary. The Texans are slowly but surely immobilizing a great defense.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 4

19) Philadelphia:
Needs: S, DE, TE, CB, OT, RB,

Pick: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami, Fla.

Plays Like: Julius Peppers

Campbell would have been a top 5 pick if he showed up this season. Basically, the thing with him is unreal potential. Campbell was supposed to be a top 5 pick this season but had a disappointing season to put it mildly. Campbell has the size and arm strength to even play a 3-4 end but will likely find a home with a 4-3 team. Campbell may be the latest freak at defensive end. He has a great frame with room to get bigger, but excellent athleticism to go along with it. He is very tall, and could fill out to near 300 pounds once he’s done growing. He is a major threat off the edge as a pass rusher. His size and size potential will allow him to help out in run support. Campbell’s hype right now is based more off of potential than his on field production. He has proven he can get to the QB, but he needs to refine his skills. The Eagles will likely dump Kearse and Darren Howard and find another pass rusher to pair with the improving Trent Cole so look for their choice to be DE.

20) Tampa Bay:
Needs: DT, WR, OT, CB

Pick: Sam Baker, OT, USC

Plays Like: Matt Light

Baker is an excellent all around offensive tackle prospect. He is a solid athlete, with the ability to move well laterally, keeping defenders away from his QB in pass protection. Baker is also sound at the point of attack, and can push defenders around to clear out room in the running game. It is hard to criticize Baker’s game, but if pressed, it is that he does not have any one truly amazing physical trait. He is not a mammoth offensive lineman that can just drive defenders into the ground, and he’s not the athletic freak that can mirror every end he faces.

21) Washington:
Needs: DE, WR, OG, DT, CB, OT, RB, SLB

Pick: Philip Merling, DE, Clemson

Plays Like: Jared Allen

Skins have had a shit pass rush for about uh 5 years now is it? Merling is exactly that. He is big, mean and exceptionally mobile for a 270 lb guy. Merling is one of the ACC’s most dominating players over the past 3 seasons and with a poor showing by DE’s in the senior bowl will likely shoot himself up into the first round. Heck even Mel Kiper had this guy on his draft board @ #9 !!! Are you serious Mel? Merling can do it all and has a nonstop motor that can give the Redskins someone who can finally do something rushing from the 3 point stance but seriously #9?!?!

22) Dallas:
Needs: WR, RB, CB, FS, DE

Pick: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas

Plays Like: Kevin Faulk on speed.

Ok so either Barber or Julius Jones is gone this offseason. I’m going to bet that Jones will be that asshole. Felix can bring the cowboys a threat to go yard every time he touches the ball. Jones is a one cut runner with mad explosiveness and good patience. He has sprinters Speed and excels in space with elite elusive ability. Like Faulk, it is unsure whether or not Jones can be the #1 back. Regardless he is an elite weapon and a PERFECT compliment to Marion Barber.

23) Pittsburgh:
Needs: OC, OT, DE, ILB, WR, RB, CB, QB

Pick: Jeff Otah, LT, PITT

Plays Like: Marcus McNeil

If only the Steelers could have first round option at center but sadly they will have to find a LT. Marvel Smith is on his last legs (err. Back) but the replacement must be found this season. Smith has one year remaining on a contract and will likely be left to find greener pastures. Otah is a hoss with strength and you know athletic ability which hasn’t been seen in a Steeler left tackle in ages. Otah does have some negatives in that the home boy needs to lay off excessive beer and pizza but isn’t that most offensive linemen. Otah has the skills there to be able to protect the Franchise Ben Roethlisberger for the next 10 years.

24) Tennessee:
Needs: WR, DE, OL, RB, FS, SS, CB

Pick: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas

Plays Like: Plaxico Burress

Why not hook up Vince with his boy from Texas. Limas is a huge target, that couples his size and strength with impressive athleticism that physically overpowers defenders. He is an excellent intermediate threat, but has shown the ability to get down the field vertically as well. He has deceptive speed and once he gets down the field, his size and body control take over, and he becomes a nightmare matchup. He can go up and get the football as well as anyone in the draft. Sweed does lack the speed to run be defenders and the quickness in and out of breaks to shake defenders but would likely be a welcome addition to a mediocre Titans offense.

25) Seattle:
Needs: RB, TE, OG, OT, FB, CB

Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois

Plays Like: Larry Johnson

A bruising runner with a dense frame and perfect pad level, Mendenhall showed the ability to take it to the house in the bowl game. He is a patient running style and possibly the best receiver our of the top backs. A perfect fit for Seattle’s offense. He has great size and speed.. Runs hard with a great body lean to fight for every extra yardage he can muster. If there is an issue with Mendenhall (Mendelbaum, Mendelbaum) is that he has shown a propensity to fumble but that can be corrected.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 5

26) Jacksonville:

Needs: DE, WR, CB, OT

Pick: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida

Plays Like: Simeon Rice

Harvey has big time pass rush potential off the edge. He is an excellent athlete, with very good quickness and speed off the edge. He fires off the snap quickly, has the quickness and change of direction ability to get around the tackle, and the speed to close on the quarterback. Harvey has solid size and the frame to add more weight as he gets older. The issue with him is whether he can hold out in the running game at the pro level. At this point the answer is no but the Jagoffs would love to finally have a speed rusher that can get to the QB with ease unlike the rest of their lumbering overpowering DL.

27) San Diego:
Needs: S, CB, WR, MLB, RB

Pick: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas

Plays Like: Dre Bly

San Diego doesn’t have the best secondary in the world but this team is the league’s most talented with arguably no real weaknesses. Talib is simply a play maker. He may not necessarily have that 4.3 40 time that makes the scouts cream themselves but he simply makes things happen out there. Regardless, he has more than enough speed to give the Chargers another corner in case they lose the great Drayton Florence to free agency.

28) Dallas:
Needs: WR, RB, CB, FS, DE

Pick: DeSean Jackson, WR, CAL

Plays Like: Steve Smith

A word to describe Jackson is that he is a playmaker. Absolutely dazzling array of moves makes him a very tough receiver to cover. Jackson is also one of the more dynamic returners in all of college football with the ability to start and stop on a dime. He is also electric when the gets the ball in his hands and can be very good yac guy for the Cowboys as well as giving this team a legit speed guy for Tony Romo. Negatives against him are that he is small and he does sometimes back down from physical corners and isn’t blessed with exceptional height.

29) San Francisco:
Needs: DE, G, OLB, WR, ILB, C, NT, RT, OLB

Pick: Kentwan Balmer, DT, UNC

Plays Like: Richard Seymour

Balmer has a very nice blend of talent. He has the size, athleticism, quickness, and strength to be an excellent NFL defensive tackle. Except that the Niners are still trying to run a 3-4 but really do not have the ends necessary to hold on the double teams. They also don’t have a nose tackle. Oops. Balmer has the strength to control running lanes, but the quickness to shoot the gap and disrupt the action. Balmer has also shot up draft boards and make sneek into the top 15 with a good combine. The problem is if Balmer can continue his stellar play from last season or will he revert back into the piece of shit play from the previous 2 seasons

30) Green Bay:

Needs: CB, TE, OL, SLB, RB, QB*

Pick: Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona

Plays Like: Champ Bailey

Cason has the ability to be a true shutdown corner. Not only does he have the athleticism, quickness, and ball skills, but he has the attitude of a top tier corner. Cason will not back down from anyone, and loves be tested. He shows the ability to turn and run with receivers, and has the ability to locate the ball while it is in the air. Cason does not shy away from run stopping either. He is very active and quickly reads a run and aggressively pursues the ball carrier. He will go for the ball and the big play too much. Also, while he is not small, his size is nothing special, for an NFL corner. Cason was the top corner on the board prior to the college football season but struggled.

31) New England:

Needs: LB, CB, FS, TE

Pick: Spygate

Plays Like: A Sony Camcorder

Sorry this was too easy. Apologizes to my Chowda headed brethren.

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32) New York Giants:
Needs: FS, CB, WLB, RT, WR

Pick: Reggie Smith, CB/FS, Oklahoma

Plays Like: Ed Reed

Smith is the latest in a long line of “Tweener” CB/S players that add value with the ability to do both. What can Smith provide is finally some added support to Gibril Wilson (if of course the Gints sign him) and move James Butler and his dime safety ass back to the bench. Smith has great cover skills and speed to keep up with any receiver. He shows the necessary range in coverage as a safety with the ability to lay some wood if he has to. Smith, like Reed, triples as a punt returner as well.