Corporate Stoogery: Characters of the Office Part 2

Company Lush

Look I'm not going to lie and say I haven't come into work hammered or anything of that sorts, but there are some people that do this WHILE supposedly working. No, no, I'm not talking about some sort of client lunch or something remotely necessary. What I'm talking about is closing one's office door and going to town. I'm not going to say I haven't done that at a point and time but usually that's when it's offered and don't have a lot going on. Unfortunately, some people don't realize that and will gladly soak away their life's tears on a random 2:15 pm Tuesday afternoon.


Lunching Lush

Similar to the Company Lush, The LL has at least the right idea. Look if you are going to get hammered, you might as well not do it in your office. Sure it's more expensive but hey at least you aren't going all alcoholic on anyone. The lone negative of course is coming back to office and reaking of booze but hey its not like we've haven't all done that. For the record, that's also why the Lord invented gum, altoids, cologne, perfume or even AXE spray. Good ole Axe


Work From Home

For whatever reason, WFH is able to get away with "working from home". I'm just jealous that I'm not able to pull it but for whatever WFH is able to. I truly don't get it? It's impressive that one gets in that position and it's even more impressive that they can continue rocking out that way. Depending on the person, WFH can actually be somewhat productive or have various reasons for working from home (baby, etc.) than rock on. Otherwise, if you go home and respond to emails 5 hours later and just sign online for no reason and leave you aren't technically working. Major props if you are able to convince the IT/Office Manager guy to be able to transfer your calls to a cellphone. Eh fuck it, I'm jealous.


IT Guy

Yep, the new most important man in the office is the IT guy. Sure enough, he would come from India the land of all important people and sure enough him and his IT goodness can save your network or emails prior to danger will robinson mode. Ok fine, you might have a random white IT guy like Mr. SCHMUCK and all but let's face it 97% of the country has an India employee and 90% of those are IT people. He also sounds like "Bill" from Dell's Customer Service team and Bill was most helpful to me.


Floozy

Every office also has a floozy. You know the token 40 year old woman who still has yet to find the man of her enormous ideals, and has promptly taken on hitting on the younger generation of office. At the first couple happy hours you might even think about it but then she gets mad at you for something work related and realize why she's single. Not to mention at that time, you are likely burnt out anyway without much release of that sexual tension but other than that you got it all!


ADD Designer

Ah yes, the designers. The guys that make the company all this money with their elite programming skills. Unfortunately, a lot of these folk tend to be a bit out there so to speak. Sure the designer prerequisite now are those new "computer" pen things as well as the more futuristic and cool looking mouse pad, an ipod, winter hat, and sweatshirt. Designers tend to also delve into some of life's other earthly pleasures. This creates ample ADD that leads them to occasional zoning out and just generally being out there. The designer also tends to frequent online gaming during office time but hey that's okay. He knows flash or something so he can try out all those cool online games you can play. Don't worry though young office dweller, designers only tend to make about 50% more than you.


MILF

Okay yea so American Pie has crept into my subconscious and overextends itself to the office scene. There are couple of these in the office setting. Sure, they may have kids and all but that doesn't have to mean you don't have to think about them in that way. Me and a coworker that will remain nameless had a conversation about this for about 2 hours. You feel bad for having the discussion, but rock on for being hot, MILF. The young boy in all of is just looking for the Next Stacy's Mom


The Gopher

So we have a gopher at our office that tends to do all the bosses bullshit as well as get the necessities in the office like milk, hot chocolate and tea bags. He's a good guy and all but you understand he probably has the best job in the office. Sure, you may not get paid nearly as well as the younger big shot execs but money isn't all that's cracked up to be. The office gopher can weasel into the office at around 10:00 and than finagle his way out of it around 5:30. Here we are thinking we could show him a thing or two, but he's definitely got his act together.


The Sleeze

You know the weird single 40 year old guy that goes round and round hitting on anything in between the ages of 18 - 45 (coworker's daughters included) yea there's that guy. Sure everyone in the office finds you creepy and disturbing but hey you keep living the dream man. Look i'm not going to say I wouldn't do that either if I were 40+ but at least i'd be funny and not so creepy? For the record, the Sleaze could also be a 40 yr old guy already in a marriage but has suddenly felt a uh twinge in his batting stance. uh yea. awkward.