Saturday, April 19, 2008

Reason to Cheer Against Every Hockey Team- Western Conference

In the second part of this “give me a reason to cheer again this team” entry, I bring you the Western Conference of the NHL and a reason to cheer against each one.

Anaheim Ducks
Reason: Todd Bertuzzi
Remember about five years ago when it was all over the news how one hockey player assaulted another on ice, hitting him from behind, driving his head into the ice and breaking his neck? Well that was Todd Bertuzzi who did that and he now plays for the Ducks. A man like that never deserves to win the cup.

Calgary Flames
Reason: They Butchered their Uniforms
The Flames had some sweet uniforms, but their redesign is just a mess. As Mahatma said when he first saw it “it looks like a ram drowning in a pool of its own blood.” It has lines and colors going everywhere and it just plain sucks. Plus their socks look like the German flag which is quite odd. But if you don’t want to cheer against a team because of their awful uniform, they do have Mike Keenan behind the bench.

Dallas Stars
Reason: They’re from Dallas
And no one likes teams from Dallas. Do you want people who cheer for the Cowboys to also have something to cheer about for hockey? No, you don’t.

Detroit Red Wings
Reason: Self Endowed Titles are Bullshit
During the 90’s when the Wings were winning a bunch of cups they decided to anoint themselves with the title of “Hockey Town USA.” This came after a decade of futility where a half empty arena and a tie game was a good night for them. You don’t just throw a title on yourself, it’s a bullshit move. And if you don’t like that reason, there is always Chris Chelios…

Colorado Avalanche
Reason: They Screwed Quebec
The Nordiques are one of the more fond vintage teams in hockey. The poor fans suffered through years of basement dwelling in the standings, and when they finally get a good team they move out. And they win the cup the first year they are in Colorado. What a shitty feeling.

Minnesota Wild
Reason: They’re the Western Conference Devils
As in all they do is play defense and bore the hell out of everyone. They also field former Devils coach Jaques Lemaire who brought the uber boring style to Minnesota. And let’s face it, a boring team winning it all isn’t good for increasing the leagues profile.

Nashville Predators
Reason: No One knows they Exist
I just got back from Chattanooga Tennessee and let me tell you something: I was hard pressed to find a bar that carried the Pred games in my area. Though Chattanooga isn’t the home of the team it is the closest thing them have, and they don’t bother with them. That would pretty much make you that guy standing in the corner by himself waving a Predators banner.

San Jose Sharks
Reason: Jeremy Roenick
The Douchebag King himself, like I’ve said other times, there is really too much to go over in one small quip. But the good news is that he has never won a Stanley Cup, his only appearance in 1992 where the Penguins swept the Blackhawks and embarrassed his ass. So let’s keep this DB championship-less for all eternity.

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