Thursday, May 29, 2008

Angry White Man's Irrational Opinion of the Yankees Lineup

1. Johnny Damon LF
For a leadoff man, he sure gets a lot of meaningless singles...

2. Derek Jeter SS
And why are those singles meaningless? Because they're followed by "The Captain." Apparently "Captain" is Native American for "He Who Hits Into Double Plays." Not for nothing, but he has the defensive range of a two-year-old. And I'm not saying that Sterling favors Jeter, but when Jeter strikes out swinging, Sterling gets livid that the umps think that Jeter went around on what was clearly a check swing.

3. Bobby Abreu RF
If the Yankees are going to employ a fielder who's afraid of walls, shouldn't he be converted into a second baseman? And in the time it took me to write that, Abreu just looked at strike 3.

4. Alex Rodriguez 3b
Fine, he's great. But is it worth it if I have to hear "Annnnnn A-BOMB. FROOOOM A-ROD." 50+ times every year? Very debatable.

5. Hideki Matsui DH
When I look at Matsui, I don't see someone who's Asian. I don't even see someone who is suddenly a Canseco-like awful left fielder. No, I see someone with a larger porn collection than me. And that makes this white man angry.

6. Jason Giambi 1B
I'm going to demand $50 from him when he finishes the year hitting .320 and I owe White Boy that money. And great, Giambi's hot again. But if this is going to result in him keeping his porn 'stache until he stops hitting, then put me with those rooting for him to go 0-45.

7. Robby Cano 2B
Needs a hunger strike in order to hit his weight.

8. Chad Moeller/Jose Molina
Even Angry White Man's distant cousin, Stoned Pacifist White Man thinks that these catchers should fuck off and die.

9. Melky Cabrera CF
No beef. Angry White Man approves. As such, Angry White Man now angry for having nothing to get angry about. Translation: Melky's an asshole.


White Boy South Bronx said...

Matsui is in the top 5 in the league in hitting too. He is also married now to that woman he drew a picture of so that porn collection may be up for grabs. I got dibbs on Mrs.Japan 2005

devo said...

Is life like 'You, Me & Dupree'? Does the wife make you give up your porn collection?