Satan's Brew

Health researchers have identified a surprising new predictor for risky behavior among teenagers and young adults: the energy drink...Super-caffeinated energy drinks, with names like Red Bull, Monster, Full Throttle and Amp, have surged in popularity in the past decade. About a third of 12- to 24-year-olds say they regularly down energy drinks, which account for more than $3 billion in annual sales in the United States.

New research suggests the drinks are associated with a health issue far more worrisome than the jittery effects of caffeine — risk taking.

In March, The Journal of American College Health published a report on the link between energy drinks, athletics and risky behavior. The study's author, Kathleen Miller, an addiction researcher at the University of Buffalo, says it suggests that high consumption of energy drinks is associated with "toxic jock" behavior, a constellation of risky and aggressive behaviors including unprotected sex, substance abuse and violence.

I'm not a doctor, but "unprotected sex, substance abuse and violence" just sounds like good ole American fun to me. Where would this country be with out whores, drunks and fighters? Still in the British Empire I daresay, and nobody wants that. And since when is "risk taking" a health issue? Isn't that extremely vague? I mean, having that one last shot(Fuckin Jagerbombs!) before you drive that sloppy drunk girl home from the bar may be a health risk in any number of ways, but that $2G's I laid down on the Penguins to score a goal in the Finals was purely financial. Though my bookie Vinny says it may turn into a health problem very soon.

The point here is that Red Bull never made me do anything that the 3 whiskeys I had before hand weren't already going to make me do. Though if they started carding for Red Bull, it might single-handedly bring down the club scene in New Jersey and the Fraternity/Sorority system nationwide. And then where would the hyper, drunken, low self-esteemed slutty girls be? Drunk and looking for attention in Brooklyn bars. Wait, maybe this isnt such a bad idea....