Look, Im gonna be honest here for a second and tell you I thought they had cancelled the playoffs this year because the Avalanche didnt make it. I mean, didnt they cancel the season last time that happened? Anyway, I moved on to bigger and better hockey this year(Go BU). So with that in mind, I give you some barely coherent thoughts on what is likely to be two gawd-awful series.
#2 Detroit vs #7 Columbus
Detroit returns to its roots as the fur capital of North America
We all know who is winning this, so lets talk about Detroit the city. Once the proud center of American industry, the city now has an uninhabited area the size of San Franciso within its borders. And these aren't vacation homes sitting empty either, its going back to the jungle(see above picture and link). Think about this, not only is the city dying, THE GODDAMN BEAVERS ARE TRYING TO BUILD DAMS ACROSS THE RIVER! The city has lost more than half its population, its mayor just got thrown in the clink and from what I hear, the few remaining residents have started putting up roadblocks Mad Max/Somali style at the tops of freeway off-ramps to guard their neighborhoods. This is really a remarkable thing that is happening. Normally, photos like these would make me feel sorry for the people of Detroit. Hell, Georgia looked better AFTER the Russian invasion last year.
But guess what, no goddamn Red Wings or Wolverines fan will get my sympathy for living in a dump. Thats what you get when you support douchebags like this guy. Ive driven through Columbus and it looks like a helluva lot nicer place to be, even if it is in Ohio. So Detroit, you can have your decent sports teams, just dont come crying to me for a bailout when Ford Field and the Joe Louis Arena look like this:
Oh, and fuck you Greg Paulus. Are you serious NCAA? This douchebag can immediately go to Michigan and try out his clipboard holding arm but my buddy can't try out for kicker at WVU because he took too long getting his undergrad degree? Thats some bullshit right there.
The Pick: Detroit wins in 5 after Rick Nash, Manny Malhotra and RJ Umberger are killed in a stampede of unemployed people moments after the KFC next to the arena posts a "Help Wanted" sign.
#1 Boston vs #8 Montreal
Theres only one hockey team in Boston that matters:
The Pick: Bruins win in 5 after Canadiens novel "empty net for 3 peroids" strategy fails.