Saturday, April 18, 2009

Devo's taking you back to the old school cause he's an old (bald?) fool who's so cool

Some people are going to wax poetic about Lebron this, Kevin Garnett that. Not this guy! Nah, I'm taking you back to the last time that I (and most of this website) actually cared about the NBA. Yeah, we're letting NBA JAM decide this bitch.

Quick Note: The default system will be Sega Genesis. Or as I like to refer to it, the Official Video Game Console of "Devo: The Middle School Years."

Hakeem Olajuwon and Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell (Rockets)
Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter (Portland)

Both teams have a Hall of Famer, so let's assume that Glide and The Dream cancel each other out. So it comes down to Mad Max vs. Terry Porter. One guy turned "7 Seconds or Less" into the '94 Knicks, only if the '94 Knicks sucked. The other guy has a badass nickname and was recently jailed for failing to pay child support. To paraphrase Dewey Cox, should you really be forced to support a child you want no part of? I think I speak for 6/8 of SUS when I say, F$*k no! Rockets in 6.

Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer (Detroit)
Mark Price and Brad Daugherty (Cleveland)

Look, first things first. If 8 years of reading Sports Guy has taught me anything, it's that it would be a mistake to ever bet on Isiah for anything. As if that's not enough, I'm not about to start pulling for the Phil Jackson of the WNBA. Just to top it off Mark Price was probably my favorite small white guy who could knock down 3 pointers so long as they weren't goaltended. Cleveland in 4.

Nick Anderson and Scott Skiles (Orlando)
Clarence Weatherspoon and Jeff Hornacek (Philly)

Who knew that the most boring actual NBA playoff matchup would be equaled by the most boring NBA Jam matchup? Look, I've heard of all of these guys, and Anderson and Hornacek were good 3 point shooters. But I don't care about any of these guys. Wake me when 'Spoon slaps a ho. Tiebreaker goes to Orlando who had Penny Hardaway in other versions of this game and should have had Shaq but for some licensing issues. Orlando in 5.


Girl Out of Cleveland said...


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