Breaking Down the Giants Announcers SUS Style

Bob Papa



White Boy: A- A very technically sound, accurate and fair announcer. Papa is a breath of fresh air from the over the top homers that fill the local National Football League airwaves around the nation. He sounds almost as excited when the opposing team does something extraordinary as he does when his Giants pull off a great play. However, he adds just an extra tinge of passion to his calls of Giants victories and/or great plays which is enough to let his listeners know where his loyalties lie. He has a solid though not trailblazing voice. Most of all, Papa knows his Giants and football history and is very good about keeping up with the confusing penalty calls or challenged plays. Although he is not quite at that special tier of announcing, he is a fine play by play man and I hope he remains with the G-men into the foreseeable future.

Devo: A- It seems like he's covered the Giants for my entire Giants career. (Or White Boy's Giants Career plus 3 seasons.) But he's only been at it since 1995. He's one of those announcers that I love simply because I always associate his voice with my team. As a play-by-play guy, he's pretty good; not Marv Albert, certainly not John Stereling. He tends to suffer from Ian Eagle Syndrome: he raises his voice and gets overly excited during anything close to a big play. But I'm okay with that because I tend to get the same way when the Giants are involved.

Carl Banks

This is one of Carl's lesser moments:

White Boy: B+
Carl is a funny guy. His back and forth tussles with Joe Benningo on WFAN’s mid day show about the Knicks should be sent to the broadcasting hall of fame for their sheer entertainment value. Although Carl is a huge Knicks (if not Isaiah) homer, he does a good job of remaining fairly neutral during the Giant’s broadcasts. This is not necessarily an easy task for someone who spent most of his career with the Giants. Banks occasionally spouts off truisms like “they came to play today” or “who wants it more?” Still, he generally is good at breaking down a game and getting into the mindset of the player on the field. He just needs to stop defending the aforementioned Knicks GM; though I guess if James Dolan isn’t going to stop defending him, why should I expect Banks too? Still, Carl is a solid analyst who adds a lot to the broadcast.

Devo: B+
As an analyst, he’s pretty good. He tends to point out certain things about the game that only an ex-player would know, and that’s really all that you can ask of an analyst. But more than his Giants analysis, I have to give props for his work with on the WFAN Mid-day Show with Evan & Joe on football Fridays and Mondays. Sure, he’s the ultimate Giants and Knicks (Isaiah) apologist, but it complements Evan and Joe’s good-if-overly-critical coverage of these teams. Best two hours of radio each week.


And we'll leave you with Carl Banks: linebacker, analyst, Knicks fan, food salesman, renaissance man.

Rating the new Yankee

In one of the biggest pre-season acquisitions in franchise history, the Yankees announced that they signed coveted free agent Billy "Mr. Saturday Night" Crystal to a 1-day contract. The comedian, known mostly for not being funny, will workout with the team today at their spring training facility in Tampa and will see action in tomorrows game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Lets take a quick look at his past performances to see how he may fare in the bigs:

1. Soap- Played the gay guy. 'Nuff said.

2. The Princess Bride- The movie no man is allowed to hate, lest they lose all respect in women's' eyes and never get laid again. Possibly Billy's finest performance, as Miracle Max, the crotchety old wizard-type guy who helps the actual stars of the movie get the girl in the end.

3. Throw Momma from the Train- Great movie....for Danny DeVito. Billy slips into his everyman/straight man routine that will carry him through many movies.

4. When Harry Met Sally- The late-80s classic that spurred many a conversation among your parents and their friends while you watched Transformers and played with Micro Machines. The essential question of the film, can two friends sleep together and still be friends, is yet to be decided.

5. City Slickers- Actually a pretty decent movie, but that owes more to the supporting cast of Bruno Kirby, Daniel Stern and the great Jack Palance than to what Billy Crystal pulled out of that cows womb. I wont lie, I liked this movie...when I was 10.



6. Forget Paris- Never saw it. Looked bad.

7. My Giant- Another bad one. But I did see this, as Gheorge Muresan was taking the Washington DC area by storm at the time. Goddamn that fucker was tall.

8. Analyze This/That/Other thing- Crystal returns to the decent column on the coattails of the master thespian Robert DeNiro. Crystal didn't write it or direct it, but I will still go ahead and accuse him of stealing from the Sopranos. Bastard.

9. Monsters Inc.- Shouldn't count because he just did a voice, but the guys resume is a lot thinner than I thought it would be. I mean, theres a bunch of other stuff the guys been in, but really, its like a total of 50 jobs in the last 30 years. So not only is he a bastard, he is a lazy bastard.

10. 61*- Finally, some relevant experience. Now, I liked this movie a lot. Not only because it showed Yankee sportswriters and fans to be vicious savages but Thomas Jane's booze-soaked turn as Mickey Mantle was magnificent. Barry Pepper was solid as the stoic Roger Maris and Crystals direction was only slightly masturbatory. It was also nice to see that Anthony Michael Hall was still alive.


On balance, this list shows that Crystal is woefully unprepared to play baseball for the Yankees. Not a single inning pitched or at-bat in his whole career. This will significantly limit his earning power in the majors, at least until he has a chance to get some experience under his belt tomorrow. All that being said, expect a multi-million dollar deal coming from Hank soon, if only to prove that hes better than his dad at throwing away money.

A few links

Props to Gabe for this: Hot Chicks With Douchebags

And I'm disappointed in those of you who aren't yet familiar with the following site, so when you get a chance, set aside a few hours and read about the Stuff White People Like

Who's Running the Yankees?

Forget the Steinbrenners. According to an article in the New York Times, the Corleones are unofficially running the Yankees. Seriously, the parallels between the two families are simply bizarre.

-George/Vito have had some shady dealings in politics, George with his illegal contributions to Nixon, Vito to apparently everyone. They both have a history of bad acts, from random murders to the constant bickering towards Dave Winfield, but at the end of the day, they’re both beloved by their fanbase/crime syndicate.

-Hank/Sonny is the loudmouth future of the franchise/crime syndicate. They both believe that they have the necessary temperament to own New York, but their arrogance will lead to their demise, with the 39 gunshots at the tollbooth and the comparisons to Jim Dolan. As the oldest brother, they draw the most attention, but they’re not truly the ones to fear.

(And in Hank’s case, there are more obvious parallels to Michael Brown, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Brownie. Both bred horses before being picked for a job which they received because of who they knew. And uh, let’s just say that their encyclopedic knowledge of horse breeding didn’t exactly prepare them for the clusterf#*k that they encountered when placed in the public eye.)

-Hal/Michael aren’t talked about very often, mostly because their brash older brothers steal the headlines, but they are the brains behind the outfit. Both have more education than their brother, whether it’s because they went to college and the army or have an MBA from the University of Florida. Neither says very much, but that’s because neither are plagued by the insecurities of their older brother. They know that their time will come one day when their brother does something foolish and gets killed by Don Barzini or an incensed Yankee fan.

-Fredo/The Steinbrenner Daughters. They’re both part of the family and get to experience the perks of the family money, whether it’s banging cocktail waitress two at a time or simply being a socialite. But because of their sheer stupidity or their gender they were permanently shunned from having any real say in the team. I only hope that Hal doesn’t have the daughters killed on the Steinbrenner yacht once Mama Steinbrenner dies.

-Carlo/Steve Swindal. Not an actual part of the family, and never will be. But whether they helped kill Sonny or committed a DUI and divorce with a Steinbrennerette, they both screwed up really good opportunities.

Ray Lewis Goes Off Deep End... Again

Some random website is reporting that current murdering douchebag Ray Lewis is attempting to get into the UFC!

This has to be a joke right? Does this purple-wearing fudgepacker really want to get inside the cage?

The insider told MediaTakeOut.com, "Ray Lewis was an All-American wrestler in high school, and he's just an all around bad a**. He'll fit in perfectly here."

Are you kidding me? Maybe Ray Ray should take his act to the WWE where he can act all badass and take as much HGH as he wants. But trying to act badass in the UFC? He'll be lucky to last 90 seconds in the ring with these guys.These guys aren't just wrestlers, they are submission experts who latch on to you whenever you make a mistake.

Does anyone remember former WWE badass Brock Lesner try to go the UFC? Didn't he get owned within a minute? Lewis has officially lost it. Does he not know he can't hide behind Haloti Ngata and Kelly Gregg in this? Lewis excels at jumping on piles after Bart Scott makes the tackles and dancing like a flaming orangutan. This skillset does not translate well to the UFC.

Your NFL career is almost over but that doesn't mean your "Sports Entertainment" career is over. Anyway, Ray if you do go UFC, I will certainly enjoy you getting pasted and all but do yourself a favor and give Vince McMahon a call.

Bill Cowher impersonator implicated in prostitution ring

Once again, in our effort to break news as soon as it starts to bend, we bring you the hot-off-the-presses story of our fair Governor and his filthy whoring habit. Now, not too many steamy details have emerged about "Client 9"'s dealings with Emperors Club VIP, but heres what we know so far:

One of those arrested told a prostitute identified only as "Kristen" that she should take a train from New York to Washington for an encounter with Client No. 9 on the night of Feb. 13, according to an affidavit.

Lewis said the client would be "paying for everything -- train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, mini bar or room service, travel time and hotel," the court papers said. The client paid $4,300 in cash to the service.

The prostitute, described in the complaint as a "petite, pretty brunette, 5-feet-5 inches and 105 pounds," met the client at about 10 p.m., according to the complaint. Lewis asked Kristen how she thought the appointment went, and she said that she thought it went very well.

In a conversation with the booking agent, Kristen said that she liked the client and that she did not think he was difficult, according to the papers.

The agent said she had been told the client "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe ... very basic things," according to the papers, but that Kristen responded by saying, "I have a way of dealing with that ... I'd be, like, listen dude, you really want the sex?"

With all the vitriol that has been thrown around the state government since he took office, its nice to know that the Guv is at least kind to his hookers. My mother always told me that the way you treat your whores tells people a lot about what kind of man you are. But the real question here is about that last quote. Is the Guv into some kinky shit? Im drawing a blank on something "very basic" but that someone might not think is safe. What could that be? More to come once we get a pic of the lovely "Kristen".

When White Guys Go Bad

Who among us doesn't like to see Mike Francessa get angry at producers who are making 1/10th of his salary?



Props to Awful Announcing for this



Mike, once the cameras are off: "Hey Eddie, step into my office, because you're f#*kin fired! Oh, and on your way out, can you hand me that Diet Coke. I'd get it, but I, eh, well I'm stuck in the chair, Eddie."


I forget this douche's name, but I've always hated his jerk-off face, his jerk-off attitude, and I hate him, jerk-off whose name I can't remember. Anyways, let's watch him get flustered:



Props to Dlisted and to BH who wasn't too lazy to find this on Dlisted and tell me about it, but was too lazy to post it.

G's Up, Ho's Down; Weekend Edition

G’s Up-Everything about The Wire Finale.

SPOILER ALERT!!! I assumed that this episode would be one big downer, but everything really tied itself up. My top 6 scenes in reverse order:

6. The negotiation between Rhonda and Omar’s lawyer.
5. McNulty’s ‘funeral.’
4. Michael-the new Omar.
3. McNulty and Daniels in the elevator.
2. Slim taking out Method Man. (Careful Slim, GZA and RZA are going to come back strong.)
1. McNulty telling off Templeton.

Ho’s Down- Met exhibition games on WFAN
Driving from Maryland to Jersey, I love crossing the Delaware Memorial Bridge, turning on WFAN and hearing some good old fashioned sports talk. Not only don’t I want to hear a Mets game, I REALLY don’t want to hear a Mets exhibition game.

G’s Up-J.G. Melon’s
Burger joint on 74^th and 3^rd. Went there with my boy Drizz. Really good burgers, an old school/cramped NYC feel, and just a good overall environment. I highly recommend.

G’s Up-Everything about the village
If I ever stumble upon a few million dollars, one of the first things that I’m doing is putting a down payment on a Village apartment near Washington Square Park.

G’s Up-Hookah Bar in the village
I don’t know the name of it, but it’s on Macdougal Street, across the street from Off the Wagon. Never been to a hookah bar before. Very impressed.

G’s Up-Ben’s Pizza selection
Mahatma and White Boy recommended this place in the past, so I went. They had tons of choices. Under pressure, I choked and took pepperoni and olives. If I had to do it again, I know I could’ve done better. Probably something with chicken.

Ho’s Down-Ben’s Pizza Quality
I had high expectations. And the pizza wasn’t bad. But being New York, it wasn’t anything special.

Ho’s Down-Catching a cab in the village
Took us 25 minutes to catch a cab right by the West 4th St. subway stop. Boo to the girls who would sneak in front of us and catch a cab. We were there first, whores.

Ho’s Down-The weather
Saturday was either warm and flood-like or cold and windy. Either way, it was awful. Though if it was cold while it was raining, it could’ve been 2-3 feet of snow.

Ho’s down-My Wallet
Another night in NYC, another night of starting with a big bank and ending with an empty wallet.

G’s Up-Duke losing
Greg Paulus, I hate everything about your existence.

Ho’s Down-Tyler “Nick Collison” Hansborough winning
I like Tyler Hansborough. But my guess is that he’ll suck in the pros. Because he’s a tough white guy, he’s going to be called gritty by every announcer in the tourney; basically the white basketball player equivalent of calling Barack Obama ‘well-spoken.’

G’s Up-BU Basketball team winning the American East Quarterfinal matchup against someone.
Babcock Street’s finest surprised the masses and won a game on Saturday night to get to the American East Semifinals. Would they achieve the impossible dream?

Ho’s Down-Losing the next round to Hartford.
Nope. Next night: Hartford 59, BU 52. Can I name any BU player? No, but not the point.

G’s Up-Parise-3 goals in a weekend
Scoring 3 goals in two nights for the Devils is like scoring 5 over that span for any other team. Oh, and being in 1^st overall, 1 point ahead of Montreal and Pitt with a game in hand is pretty sweet too.

G’s Up-Daylight savings time
Spring and summer are coming!

Ho’s Down-Not knowing how to change my watch.
Only 8 more months until my watch gives accurate time again!

I told you so........ So far

I just wanted to say I told you so... at least so far in regards to the 3 big trade deadline deals. The Lakers are soaring and look like the best team in the NBA (all apologies to the great Spurs) while the Mavs and Suns look like they subtracted by addition. The Mavs lost the athleticism of Harris and the presence in the middle of Diop and added an aging breaking down point guard who's best years are behind him. If this move does not at least get Dallas to the NBA finals this season; the trade is a colossal failure. The Suns traded their most athletic and most talented defender for a man who hasn't been a great NBA player in over 3 years and who is notoriously soft on the defensive end. Meanwhile, Kobe and company are laughing it up as they continue to dominate the best Western Conference perhaps in the history of this league. Pau Gasol continues to fly under the radar individually as Kobe and Phil take the brunt of the praise for the team's incredible play. The fact is Gasol is an athletic big man who can shoot and post up inside. He is a perfect ego-less compliment to the best player in the NBA. I know its very early but so far I TOLD YOU SO

If the boobs cant fit, you must acquit

We here at SUS try our best to keep you updated on breaking legal news around the globe. Today, we have the story of Japanese bikini model Serena Kozakura.




Last year Serena goes over to her boyfriends house and stumbles upon him with another lady-friend. Well, not exactly stumbled, as she was locked out of the apartment. So she did what any woman in a similar circumstance would do, she kicked a hole in the door and crawled inside to bitch him out. Well, evidently two people saw her wriggle through the hole and testified against her in court. Girl(woman, shes 38) got 14 MONTHS in jail for that shit. As an aside, thats an insane sentence, waaaaay too harsh. Anyway, she appealed the sentence and her lawyer Johnichiko Cochoransan found the perfect defense: Her boobs are too big(44in!) to fit through the door. And guess what, it worked! Homegirl was set free to giggle her giant funbags on the outside instead of getting them pimped out for coke and cigarettes in Japanese prison. Lets go to the videotape:




Now, I cant understand 99.99% of this video but I do know it doesnt get much better than seeing the reenactment of this incident (bout 3:30 on the vid) and this chick getting the same look on her face that OJ had when he couldnt get that glove on(he tried so hard!) at his trial. That and the camera keeps panning down to her chest during the news conference, obviously for purely news-related purposes. Im just happy to see the justice system in Japan works and crazy bitches like this are still free to kick down doors when the need arises, as long as they have massive hooters.

Props to dlisted.com

The Dream Ticket

Screw a dream ticket of Obama/Hilary. (which, regardless of who's on top is an awful pairing, but that's an argument for a political blog) Why limit ourselves to your standard politicians? After Kevin Johnson announced that he's running for mayor of Sacramento, why not a Barkley/KJ ticket in '16? Sure their detractors would say that they can't seal the deal, as evidenced by their loss to Jordan's Bulls in the NBA finals, but what's more intimidating than two men who are probably a combined 13 feet tall? Sheeeeiiiiiittt, China aint got nothing on us. And to those of you who want to legalize gambling, you think Chuck's going to stand in the way of that? Any anti-gambling bills will feel the wrath of that mans veto stamp.

And while we're at it, why not Thunder Dan Majerle for Secretary of State?

Wuss of the week

I post something about basketball maybe once every time I see Cameron Diaz in the street. So that would be once. Anyway, I don't know who our tough guy here is nor do I really care at the moment. I mean sure we all have our share of pictures where we aren't looking the best but this is ridiculous. He looks like he just got that new Barbie doll he always wanted as if Santa brought it to him on Xmas. Good luck being this guy's PR agent and trying to maintain that "athlete" image.

I Had No Idea You Guys Could Read: A SUS Book Review of The GM

First things first. Book reviews aren’t going to be a common occurrence here on SUS. But The GM fits into the SUS theme, whatever the hell that is. This book spends about 3/5 of the time talking about Accorsi’s last season as Giants GM in ’06, 1/5 of the book talking about Accorsi’s early years and 1/5 of the book talking about Accorsi’s previous front office jobs. I consciously stayed away from this book for a while because frankly, I hated the ’06 Giants. Me and my Giants entourage (my dad, White Boy) were convinced that Accorsi mortgaged the future of the franchise to draft Fredo Manning. A Super Bowl victory later, I’m ready to read about the GM who drafted Elijah “The Prophet” Manning.

So this book was awesome. I read the entire book while in Barnes and Noble one afternoon, a feat which I accomplished once before with Michael Lewis’ The Blind Side. Ok, I didn’t read all of it; I started reading every chapter, but after a while I stuck with the chapters about this year’s Giants. And Accorsi was amazingly candid in talking about the Giants players, coaches, and organization. He also revealed a lot of things that would surprise most Giants fans. Here are some anecdotes:

-As of the morning of the 2004 draft, the Giants weren't talking to San Diego about swapping picks. The Giants were set to trade down with Cleveland to the #7 pick. My guess is that Cleveland would’ve picked Rivers and the Giants would’ve taken Big Ben. Only when the Giants were on the clock did San Diego call and talk about swapping picks.

-Apparently the day after the draft, Kerry Collins stormed into Accorsi’s office demanding a trade. I only hope that this was similar to Major League, with Rick Vaughn’s entrance into Lou Brown’s office after Vaughn thought he was cut. “You aint seen the last of me Mr. Accorsi. Next time I play against you, I’m going to STICK IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!”

-Back in 1991 when Parcells quit, Coughlin, the wide receivers coach was offered the head coaching job. For the record, the job also could’ve gone to Belichek, but he went to Cleveland before Parcells quit. More on Parcells below.

-There’s a chapter discussing Accorsi going to Ada, Oklahoma to meet with Shockey before the ’02 draft. It was a cool chapter but what stuck out to me was the U’s championship roster: Shockey, Ed Reed, Bryant McKinnie, Philip Buchanon, Mike Rumph, and Clinton Portis. That’s practically the entire first round of the '02 draft. And both Shockey and Accorsi thought that all but Rumph would be good pros. They were right.

-In 1997 the Giants were about 5 minutes away from hiring Parcells over Fassel. Both owners needed to sign off on any head coach. Mara wanted to bring Parcells back, but Tisch didn’t want to do it. As George Young was going to Fassel’s hotel room to offer him the job, Tisch changed his mind and said that they should go ahead and offer the job to Parcells. So they called Fassel’s room and spoke to George Young. They asked Young if he had offered Fassel the job yet. If he said no, they would’ve told him to abort. But Young had offered Fassel the job, and Tisch and Mara had too much class to rescind the offer, so Fassel it was. For the record, George Young said he would’ve quit if they hired Parcells. And it’s funny, as great as Parcells is, as much as he would’ve improved the franchise in the late 90’s, I have more respect for the Giants organization for never bringing him back. It’s kinda like turning down a date with a hot but needy ex-girlfriend: sure, she’s everything you want in a woman, but she really screwed you over in the past and it’s fun to give it back to her. Apparently Parcells has inquired about the Giants vacancies every time they've switched coaches.

-When did I know that I truly loved this book? When Accorsi said that he was furious with Coughlin for his moves in the Bears game and the Titans games last year. Accorsi immediately knew that calling a time out at the end of the 1st half when the Bears had 3rd and 22 was a mistake. A Thomas Jones screen pass and Devin Hester kickoff return later, he proved to be right. He was also blown away that Coughlin kept passing up 17 to the Titans in the 4th quarter. Good to see that our GM hated Coughlin as much as I did last year.

-Lastly, there's a touching scene the day after the playoff loss to the Eagles when Accorsi, his GM duties done, is addressing each player individually. Very poignant. He addressed all the players, and eventually got to Tim Carter, saying "you'll reach your potential some day," before moving on to another guy. 3 players later, Tim Carter said, "Damn you're quitting?" to which an unknown player said "where you been, you dumb motherfucker." Never has a player exemplified his 60 awareness rating in Madden like Tim Carter. Here's to you, Tim Carter, Most. Overrated. Madden Receiver. Ever.

Random Online Crap

So this is kind of hot. This chick gives you 21 accents in a matter of minutes. She starts with British (HOT!) , works her was across Europe towards Australia, then hits the U.S. She’s a modern day explorer in the same vein as Magellan, Columbus and others. You gotta imagine it though. Say you are a man or woman who doesn’t discriminate against accents. Wouldn’t our girl here be like the Lebron James of pickups. At least if I dated this girl, she could pretend to be from some other place. By all intents and purposes, she’s probably from Jersey or something (hi yo!) but still this is a wonderful talent now available for the whole world to see. For the record, the role playing potential is through the roof.

SUS discusses NY talking heads II: The Yankees

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

THE BIG FREAKING PACKAGE MOCK DRAFT (cont)

21. WASHINGTON REDSKINS – EARLY DOUCET (WR, LSU)
For once, Dan Synder and company are quiet during free agency. Eventually always being over the cap takes its toll. Jason Campbell has shown he can lead this team to the playoffs if he gets the help around him. What a waste Brandon Lloyd was. Chris Cooley and Clinton Portis seemed were the most consistent receiving options. That’s not good.

22. DALLAS COWBOYS – JONATHAN STEWART (RB, OREGON)
Julius Jones never factored too much. He was small and elusive but had a hard time finding the hole towards the end of his stay in Dallas. Marion Barber is the better back and shows it (especially on my fantasy team). They need a fast change of pack back to relieve Barber from time to time and throw off the defense. Stewart can be that guy and he can also play a part in the kick return game.

23. PITTSBURGH STEELERS – BRANDON ALBERT (G, VIRGINIA)
With Alan Faneca departing to my beloved Jets, a huge hole is left along the steelers o-line. Albert is a solid flexible replacement as he’s capable of both guard positions as well as tackle.

24. TENNESSEE TITANS – PHILIP MERLING (DE, CLEMSON)
Philip would be a good fit opposite Vandenbosch. He’s got good size and quickness around the edge to help better an already good pass rush. Receiver is more pressing to help take pressure off Vince Young but Merling is the best available player left.

25. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – GOSDIER CHERILUS (OT, BOSTON COLLEGE)
Seattle has always been known for having a great running game. But since the departure of Hutchinson to the Vikings they haven’t rekindled that success. Walter Jones is simply the best LT in all of football. Cherilus would flourish learning from one of the greats playing opposite him.

26. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – QUENTIN GROVES (DE/OLB, AUBURN)
A lot of people assumed that it was the Jaguars who were going to end the Patriots winning streak. But they couldn’t bring a consistent pass rush like the Giants could. Quentin Groves is fast and athletic. He ran a 4.5 40, the fastest of all D lineman and would provide a great upgrade to their line. Kentwan Balmer is also a possible replacement to fill the hole at DT left by Marcus Stroud.

27. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – KENTWAN BALMER (DT, NORTH CAROLINA)
Balmer is a beast at 6’5 and 315lbs. He’s also versatile and can play both tackle and end. He would be a great fit for their 3-4 defense. Chargers are in need of an OT but clearly all the projected 1st rounders is taken. This would be a safe pick here, not entirely a need but certainly safe.

28. DALLAS COWBOYS – JUSTIN KING (CB, PENN STATE)
Justing King is a reach here coming off an injury plagued junior season. Although he had a great combine, scouts expect him to be a last 2nd round projection at best. Signing Flozell Adams back means good news for Tony Romo. My overall assumption like everyone else’s is that Dallas will trade up for McFadden. But right now the teams most interested in drafting him are the Oakland Raiders or the New York Jets.

29. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – JAMES HARDY (WR, INDIANA)
San Fran needs a reliable receiver to take pressure off Vernon Davis, Frank Gore and Alex Smith. James doesn’t posses great speed but certainly has great size and strength to fight balls away from defenders, similar to Keyshawn Johnson. OT is just as pressing of a need but will have to be addressed in later rounds.

30. GREEN BAY PACKERS – TRACY PORTER (CB, INDIANA)
Green Bay needs to get younger at cornerback and help find someone to play nickel. Charles Woodson had a great turn around for his career this past season. Al Harris is still consistent but not as great as he once was. Tracy might be a shot in the dark this early but Green Bay needs to build off an amazing season last year and that should start with filling holes in the defense

31.

32. NEW YORK GIANTS – KEITH RIVERS (OLB, USC)
After winning the superbowl the most important thing is keep the players who helped get you there. Gibril Wilson will surely be missed but Sammy Knight is a decent replacement. KENNY PHILIPS is a possibility here. He can switch between both free safety positions. But Keith Rivers is a solid tackler and would benefit the Giants the most.

BRETT FAVRE RETIRES!

And on behalf of every non-Packer fan and Aaron Rodgers, let me just say THANK GOD. Funeral services for Favre's career will take place on Friday, 9am at the residence of John & Sharon Madden.

This just in: ESPN doesn't know what they're doing!

John Clayton's discussion of winners and losers is retarted. He spent hundreds of words doing what I can sum up in less than 10: Winners: teams that signed players. Losers: teams that didn't. So good job Oakland, you got Gibril Wilson, a good-but-nowhere-near-great safety for 6 million. And good job Buffalo, you paid a bunch for Kawika Mitchell's hair. And props to you, Parcells, you signed our 4th linebacker, Reggie Torbor. I have absolutely no complaints about Reese's offseason. I would've loved to have kept this team together for a run next year, but not at the risk of giving these guys Allan Houston/Vince Carter-esque contracts. Extend Jacobs, renegotiate Plax's deal, avoid giving Nate Clements type salaries to guys with Nate Clements' skills, find the right pieces to fill the void of the departed, and lets defend this bitch.

THE BIG FREAKING PACKAGE MOCK DRAFT (cont)

10. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – DOMINIQUE CROMARTIE (CB, TENN ST.)
I really don’t know what the Saints are going to do with this pick. My first guess would be linebacker but like I said before, very weak. I would figure defensive tackle but with Ellis and Dorsey off the board then anyone else would be a reach. Jason David is obviously no better than a nickelback and is a waste of cap space. New Orleans needs a #1 corner as bad as Mike McKenzie needs a haircut.

11. BUFFALO BILLS – DESEAN JACKSON (WR, CALIFORNIA)
The Bills lack a #1 WR. Lee Evans is more of a deep threat than a possession receiver. Buffalo has not been able to fill that void since the departure of Eric Moulds. Desean might not be a possession receiver but in my mind he’s the best and fastest one in this draft.

12. DENVER BRONCOS – RYAN CLADY (OT, BOISE STATE)
Clearly Ryan is the 2nd best tackle prospect in the draft behind Jake Long. Denver has many other needs but they should be so lucky that Clady fell this far to them. Derrick Harvey is a possibility too. He’d join Florida teammate Jarvis Moss on the Dline who was selected by Denver with their 1st round pick last year.

13. CAROLINA PANTHERS – JEFF OTAH (OT, PITTSBURGH)
Every year someone picks this team to make it to the superbowl and every year they get worse and worse. Well consider this John Fox’s last season if this team doesn’t make the post-season. With Jake Delhomme coming back, the offense should be more productive. Mushin Muhammad should help take some double team away from Steve Smith while Dwayne Jarrett is still improving. Protecting the quarterback is vital and the tackle position is most important.

14. CHICAGO BEARS – LIMAS SWEED (WR, TEXAS)
Frankly, this team has no idea what it’s doing. Their offense is despicable and they rely heavily on their defense to win games. Both Muhammad and Berrian are now long gone leaving Devin Hester, the sole offense for that team. Cedric Benson is becoming a bust and they could definitely lean towards another running back but unless they make an attempt to sign Randy Moss, they must draft for potential overthrown passing targets for Rexxxy.

15. DETROIT LIONS – CHRIS WILLIAMS (OT, VANDERBILT)
If the Lions want to accomplish a 10 win season then they must start playing a big role in free agency and draft extremely well but so far, not so good. They are weak at the tackle positions having recently lost Damien Woody to the New York Jets. They also traded Shaun Rogers and didn’t resign Boss Bailey back, 2 big names on that defense now gone and they have yet to replace. Seriously how is Matt Millen still working in the NFL?

16. ARIZONA CARDINALS – LEODIS MCKELVIN (CB, TROY)
Cardinals need help at cornerback opposite Antrel Rolle. McKelvin would be a steal here considering most analysts expect his to be a top 10 pick or at least the first CB selected in the draft. Runs a 4.38 40 and has good recovery speed. He could be the most ready NFL secondary player in the draft.

17. MINNESOTA VIKINGS – DERRICK HARVEY (DE, FLORIDA)
So it seems that the Vikings are in need for a DE or a WR? Who knew! Since Moss’ departure they have never found a valuable replacement. And the defense, although stout against the run (especially up the middle) can’t generate a consistent pass rush to save their lives. Derrick Harvey is a nice upgrade who provides strength and size to matchup against opposing tackles.

18. HOUSTON TEXANS – RASHARD MENDENHALL (RB, ILLINOIS)
Ahman Green is not getting any younger and last season he was hampered with injuries. Cornerback might be the most pressing need but if Rashard is available he’s too tempting to pass up. He’d be a nice combo to go with Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson

19. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – DEVIN THOMAS (WR, MICHIGAN)
The release of Javon Kearse puts DE at a top priority this offseason. But with the elite already taken so far, they must move to the next pressing need and that is finding a WR. I don’t think they’ll ever find a #1 WR like Owens. But Thomas is a big target and has good hands. Maybe then McNabb will start blaming himself instead of others around him. Eat your chunky fag

20. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - MARIO MANNINGHAM (WR, MICHIGAN)
Jon Gruden needs to start looking towards the future and getting younger on the defense. But he also needs to find a suitable #2 WR behind Joey Galloway. Even at 35 Galloway is one of the top 10 WR’s in the league. Michael Clayton is a bust and probably won’t be on the team much longer.

G's Up Ho's Down-Devo Weekend Edition

I've done a lot over the last weekend two. Ironically enough, very little of it has involved other people. Such is my life right now. Oh well, they can't all be winners. So without further ado:

G'S UP!(mostly) Rescue Me I wanted to begin watching a tv show, and this barely won out over Arrested Development at the local blockbuster. Over the last few weeks, I've watched the first season. It reminds me of a poor man's Wire, which happens when you're on FX instead of HBO. On the positive side, it's got Dennis Leary, the dude who played Reggie Jackson in Bronx is Burning (who oddly enough, looks a lot like Tony Gonzalez), and does a damn good job of mixing dark comedy with legitimate issues, Sopranos style. It also has a fairly real (see: bleak, dark) feel to it in how it deals with life as a post 9/11 firefighter. On the negative side, it suffers from what I like to call Boston Public Syndrome-every crisis that happens across the country in the occupation happens over the course of the first season to this specific group of people. And each episode ends with a montage cued up to Scrubs-esque emo. But still, a very good show.

G'S UP! TV in general. There's a lot of shitty tv these days, with reality tv and what not. But thanks to HBO and more specifically the Sopranos, we have been living in a golden age over the last few years. Frankly, in an era when reality tv shows are dumbing down society, there's lots of television that is just smart, good tv. This includes everything on HBO (Sopranos, The Wire, Band of Brothers) to FX shows (Rescue Me, The Shield) to even some comedies (Arrested Development, The Office, 30 Rock). Here's to you, TV.

HO'S DOWN. The Assassination of Jesse James. This may or may not have been a good movie. But 40 minutes into the flick, I remembered that I hate Westerns.

G'S UP. Be Kind Rewind. A quirkly flick, but very funny. When Jack Black isn't playing a Mexican wrestler, I'm usually a fan. This movie was no exception. Kinda odd seeing Danny Glover without Mel Gibson. Also kinda odd seeing Mos Def play a clumsy dude. White people love Mos Def.

HO'S DOWN. Saturday Night Live. Ok writers. You've had like 4 months off, and let's not pretend that you spent that entire time at your local union hall devising strategy. NFW you weren't writing jokes over the course of those four months. By that logic, every show should be producing some of its best material. And most of these shows (see: Show, The Daily) are producing top rate material. And yet, SNL was simply decent. (Note: I only saw up to Weekend Update. Nothing good has come on SNL post weekend update in 6 years.) And the best part? The topical debate stuff. Other than that, it was same ol' same ol'. Oh, and nice of Hilary Clinton to make an appearance. My campaign has a first name, it's D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E.

HO'S DOWN. GQ & Esquire. Angry White Man will have more to say about this later in the week.

G'S UP. The GM. A reporter followed Ernie Accorsi around throughout last season, his final as Giants GM. This book was outstanding and will receive its own column later this week. As an aside, I told my dad about this book and his first words were basically that Accorsi ruined this team. Upon reminding him of a certain February victory, he responded that Reese built this team, to which I responded that a certain white dude drafted Eli. In his defense, I too am having trouble adapting to a world where I have no reason to criticize the Giants. Ah, if only I were a 3 week old kid, never having witnessed a Giants Super Bowl.

Jets Sign Alan Faneca

Now, as we all know (if your read my profile at least) I am from Pittsburgh, so I dont comment a whole lot on New York football teams sans rubbing a Super Bowl 42 win in a Pats "fan's" face. But something I can comment on is when one of them, in this case the Jets, signs an ex-Steeler to their roster in the way of 4 years $32 million for Alan Faneca. This can be summed up with one simple picture:

The fact that Faneca has made the last two pro bowls is an utter joke. This guy was such a liability on the line last year it wasnt funny. Most plays he was standing looking for someone to block, not realizing the guy he was supposed to pick up went past him five seconds ago and is in the midst of tackling Roethlisberger. Paired with Sean Mahan who fell down after he hiked the ball it was like there was no offensive line and Ben was scrambling for his life half the time.

Well Jets fan, if you want to see your QB getting knocked on his ass or running around the back field, Alan Faneca will be happy to oblige that. Frankly, he isnt worth half his contract and you will soon find out why. If you don't believe me, Mahatma can back me up on this (disclaimer: getting Mahatma started on a Steelers offensive line rant is both time consuming and vitriol, do not have your children present). Enjoy.

SUS discusses NY talking heads Part I: The Knicks Guys

Something that we've talked about doing for a while now is discussing the NY sports talking heads. We discussed the WFAN guys on our old site, but we'll probably throw snippets of that in from time to time. In the meantime, in this sports wasteland of post-Superbowl pre-NCAA tourney, we'll be bringing you some of our thoughts on the local media, starting with the Knicks guys.

Mike Breen
White Boy A+
By far the best basketball announcer who is not named Marve Albert. I used to get chills every time he did his patented “BANG!” call when a player hits a huge three pointers or otherwise dramatic jump shop. Sadly, the Knicks have not had any of these awe inspiring moments in, ohhhhh, about eight years. Still, Breeney is one of the few announcers that is enough of drawing card on his own accord to get me to watch a game. His dulcet tones and knowledge of the game make him a future hall of fame broadcaster.Publish Post

Devo
I’m not going to be grading any of these guys. I do like Breene though. Was very good on Imus, which might have literally taken place when Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark. White Boy says they haven’t had any inspiring moments in 8 years. Ironically enough, that was probably the last time I left a Knicks game on for more than 2 minutes, so I’m probably a bad guy to ask here.

Walt Clyde Frazier
White Boy B
Clyde has emotional salience with almost any Knickerbockers’ fan. He is the franchise’s greatest player and has charmed a new generation with his idiosyncratic rhyming and unique voice. Clyde has “dished” and “swished” the Generation Ewing Knicks fans for well over a decade. However, his in game analysis and ability to convey his basketball acumen to the hardcore basketball fan does leave something to be desired. As fun as it is to hear him say “serendipity for the Knicks” each time they score; he rarely injects any analytic pearls of wisdom into the broadcast. Still, he is beloved by Knicks fans of all ages and we look forward to listening to him for the next meaningful Knicks game….. November 1^st 2010, day 1 of the Lebron era…..

Devo
Always been a fan Frazier’s swishing and dishing. Of course, Stephon Marbury swishes and dishes about once every four weeks or so, you really don’t get to hear Frazier say it too much. Also, worth noting, if you ever get a chance, check out Frazier’s wardrobe from when he was a player, (above) which truly made him a player on multiple levels.

I Watched Baseball Today (and Other Random Rants)

Ahh, March 1st. "Spring" is 20 days away and the baseball season is just a mere 30. Devo is absolutely right, there's really no reason to watch Spring Training games. We're far away from things that matter, far away from fangasms, and (hopefully) very far away from end-of-season collapses. With that being said, I still gave a little yelp yesterday at the gym when I saw actual baseball on ESPN. It was Braves/Dodgers and Atlanta was winning 10-2. STILL it was baseball. Semi-known players were on the field. There was sun and warmth. Eye-black was involved. I was happy.
Today I watched the Mets play the Dodgers in their first Spring Training win (took them long enough, not that it matters). Some young pitchers impressed Gary, Keith and me. They interviewed Pat the Pin Lady. Probably the worst thing that happened today is that Ryan Church and Marlon Anderson had a collision. They both walked off the field, Marlon by himself, Ryan Church (he's new, so I'm not sure what I'll be calling him yet) with some help. RC (no, I don't like that nickname) didn't look too good though. As he was being escorted to the dugout, he kinda had that blank, woozy look on his face: kinda like he had spent the entire night before and afternoon at the Tiki Bar at Tradition Field and one of his buddies had to walk him home. After seeing that, I wasn't surprised to find out that he had a concussion. We'll see how long he's out and if Marlon is out for any time also. Carlos Delgado is having an MRI in New York today, so the injury news isn't so great for the New York Mets.
Meanwhile, there was a little program on TV last Sunday called the Academy Awards. I thought it was great! I got to see Persepolis on Saturday. That was one of the nominated Best Animated Features, but it lost to Ratatouille. How exactly do you compare a movie about rats cooking to a movie about a girl growing up in war-torn Iran? Is the award based on animation? Plot? Voice acting? Either way, my favorite moment was when Marketa Irglova from Once got to come out and give her acceptance speech. My favorite dress was Katherine Heigl's and my least favorite dress was Jennifer Hudson's (eek).
Last Saturday, the first new SNL after the writers' strike aired. Tina Fey did a great job, but she did talk about how Hilary Clinton was a bitch and mentioned that women kinda need to be bitches to get ahead in the world. I dunno how I feel about that Liz Lemon!

NHL Trade Deadline ANalysis

The trade deadline has come and gone, and so with that it is time to look back on each trade and determine, on paper, which team won the deal. In part two of my deadline fallout I will take a look at each individual deal that happened and give my two cents on whether or not it helped the teams involved or not.


Wade Belak (Toronto) for 5th Round Pick (Florida)
Analysis: Belak does little more than fight, so I don’t really see why Florida wanted him. He was worth a late pick at best. As Toronto was looking to stock up picks and prospects Fletcher was going to get whatever he could for an expendable player like Belak.
Winner: Toronto


Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis (Atlanta) for Erik Christenssen, Colby Armstrong, Angelo Esposito and a 1st round pick (Pittsburgh) ‎
Analysis: Pittsburgh gets the biggest name on the market and a winger for Crosby and Atlanta gets four building blocks for the future. The chances of Pittsburgh being able to resign Hossa with Crosby’s new deal beginning next year plus Malkin due one the following, are quite slim making him a rental. However, he provides a big boost to an already potent offense. Atlanta recoups some of what they lost in bad deadline deals last year, getting two young players to help now, plus a once highly touted prospect in Esposito and what will amount to a late round pick.
Winner: Atlanta



Cristobol Huet (Montreal) for 2nd round pick in 2009 (Washington)
Analysis: With the aging Kolzig and no one in the system the Caps needed a goalie of the future, and the got it in Huet for a mere second round pick. Number one goalies never go for so little, even when the goalie market is low. Caps make out like bandits and Montreal takes a big risk in handing their cup hopes to a rookie goalie for the playoffs.
Winner: Washington



Brad Stuart (LA) for a 2nd and 4th round picks (Detroit)
Analysis: Though not having a stellar year, Stuart is reliable in both ends. The price was reasonable and the Wings needed someone to replace their four injured defenseman, and when they come back they will have additional depth. Stuart is a UFA at years end so there is a chance LA would have lost him for nothing so they got what they could. It should work out for both teams.
Winner: Even



Brad Richards and Johan Holmqvist (Tampa Bay) for Mike Smith, Jussi Jokinen, Jeff Halpern and a 4th round pick (Dallas) ‎
Analysis: Tampa needed to rid themselves of salary and were able to get Richards to waive his NTC. Dallas gets a top flight center that will be able to replace the aging Modano and lighten the load on the older players. Tampa gets a large contract off the books and gets a young goalie and forward depth that they desperately need. Despite the fact people say it’s heavily in favor of Dallas, they neglect to mention Richards deal is still a cap killer. Though both teams got what they needed, Richards is still a very good player moved out of necessity, so Dallas gets the edge.
Winner: Dallas



Adam Foote (Columbus) for conditional 1st round pick and a 4th round pick (Colorado) ‎
Analysis: Colorado brings back another member of their previous cup winning team in Foote (Forsberg being the other) and though aging is still rugged and reliable. Columbus couldn’t come to terms with the blue liner and was forced to deal him rather than losing him for nothing, something Foote sounded upset about. The price for an old an injured defenseman though was a bit high, even if it is conditional.
Winner: Even



Hal Gill (Toronto) for a 2nd in '08 and a 5th in '09 (Pittsburgh)
Analysis: Pittsburgh needed a big, physical defenseman to clear the crease and Gill fits that bill. Though nothing special he is better than some of the Pens other options. Still a second and fifth is a high price for a guy another team was trying to unload for cap space.
Winner: Toronto



Jean Sebastian Aubin (LA) for 7th round pick (Anaheim)
Analysis: A pure depth move, for a pick that more than likely will amount to nothing.
Winner: Even



Christian Backman (St. Louis) for a 4th round pick (New York Rangers)
Analysis: Backman adds a physical blue line presence the Rangers don’t have much along with a stay at home presence they also lack. St Louis had an abundance of defensemen that were becoming UFA’s so were looking to get something for them. I think New York gets more of what they needed though.
Winner: New York



Sergei Fedorov (Columbus) for Teddy Ruth (Washington)
Analysis: A stay at home defenseman that was drafted in the second round in 2007, Ruth doesn’t seem to be on many people’s radars. Though Fedorov has lost a step or five it’s hard to imagine this was all he could fetch. Washington gets a center to help out Ovechkin and adds veteran experience as they push for the playoffs while Columbus gets pretty much nothing.
Winner: Washington



Alexandre Giroux for Joe Motzko
Analysis: Pretty much a minor league swap, no real advantage for either team.
Winner: Even



Chris Simon (New York Islanders) for a 6th round pick (Minnesota)
Analysis: Minnesota already had Derek Boogaard and Todd Fedoruk, yet somehow saw the need to trade for Simon who carries a ton of baggage. Mindless deal and a waste of a 6th, and 6th’s usually aren’t considered a waste.
Winner: New York



Bryce Salvador (St. Louis) for Cam Janssen (New Jersey)
Analysis: Salvador is a decent stay at home with a physical edge, Janssen is a goon that doesn’t have much real value and is only known for hitting Tomas Kaberle late. Geez, wonder who won this one?
Winner: New Jersey



Marc-Andre Bergeron (New York Islanders) for 3rd rounder (Anaheim)
Analysis: A depth move by Anaheim, but Bergeron has been much maligned the past few years by both Edmonton and New York fans, and for good reason. A third for him is too high for a guy that will bee more insurance than anything.
Winner: New York



Brian Campbell and 7th (Buffalo) for Steve Bernier and a 1st round pick (San Jose)
Analysis: San Jose finally got the high end defenseman they were looking for in Campbell. In return Buffalo gets a big young forward that has a bright future and a first round pick in a deep draft. Still, their failure to get more for the biggest name defenseman at the deadline where there weren’t a lot of them available tips this in San Jose’s favor.
Winner: San Jose



Chad Kilger (Toronto) for 3rd rounder (Florida)
Analysis: Kilger has actually played well for Toronto but still gets crap for some reason. He can add some secondary scoring to Florida along with decent defensive play. However, I don’t think he is worth a third.
Winner: Toronto



Martin Lapointe (Chicago) for 6th round pick (Ottawa)
Analysis: Lapointe adds good lower line depth and grit, and all Ottawa had to do was give up a sixth. Chicago shouldn’t have let him go for such a low price.
Winner: Ottawa



Josh Gratton, Patrick Sjostrom and David Leneveu and a conditional pick (Phoenix) for Marcel Hossa and Al Montoya (New York Rangers)
Analysis: Henrik Lundqvist’s extension sealed Montoya’s fate and his dealing was inevitable, the Rangers dealing him with the inconsistent Marcel Hossa for the similar but more consistent Sjostrom and tough guy Gratton. Leneveu, at one time the Yotes goalie of the future seems to be destined for backup duty anymore if that. Montoya will be in the minors for a while then play behind Bryzgalov until he is ready to take the reigns.
Winner: Phoenix



Jan Hlavac (Tampa Bay) for 7th round pick (Nashville)
Analysis: Hlavac has done little in recent years, and a 7th rounder isn’t much of anything. Sadly, a nothing-nothing swap.
Winner: Even



Matt Cooke (Vancouver) for Matt Pettinger (Washington)
Analysis: Cooke adds some grit and toughness to Washington’s playoff run and Vancouver gets someone who is a little more skilled.
Winner: Even



Andrew Ladd (Carolina) for Tuomo Ruutu (Chicago)
Analysis: A swap of talented young players, Ladd is more finesse and Ruutu more grit. Unfortunately Ruutu is often injured and it really hurts his effectiveness, so for that reason Chicago gets the edge in the deal.
Winner: Chicago



Vaclav Prospal (Tampa Bay) for Alexandre Picard and 2009 conditional pick (Philadelphia)
Analysis: I’ve never been a Prospal fan, seemingly only doing well when placed on Lecavalier’s wing (what a surprise). Still he’s not bad and will help offset the losses of Richards and Gagne for extended periods. Tampa reportedly couldn’t come to terms so got what they could in a young defenseman (something Feaster really wants) and a conditional 2nd or 3rd round pick.
Winner: Tampa Bay



Ruslan Salei (Florida) for Karlis Skrastins + 3rd rounder (Colorado)
Analysis: Florida seemed to want to trim some salary and traded the physical Salei for \ Skrastins and a third round pick. Salei will add good depth and experience to the Avs blue line and the now oft scratched Skrastins will get more playing time in Florida.
Winner: Colorado

Corporate Stoogery: Office species Part I

As we at SUS try to bring you the latest in not just sports but all walks of life, it’s time we take some time to go after the corporate world because frankly is there a better way to waste the company’s time? Well consider it even for only getting paid for 40 hours a week. Bitter much? yes. Yes i am.

Ok so most of you all work except of course you grad students but I’m sure you’ve all worked. (If you haven’t might I suggest I don’t know… maybe GET A JOB YOU WORTHLESS ASSHOLE.) Anyway, at any office you have a number of various characters that truly make the day interesting and or a pain in the ass. Some may even call it a jungle out there. Here is part 1 of a list of characters that I’ve encountered in my all too brief 3+ years of stoogery.

Kiss Ass

Shockingly, the kiss ass is still alive and well and likely kissing their way up the ladder in an office near you. You don't need to know the decision makers. All you need to do is know the people that influence the decision makers. Boom.. less work for you and more for someone else. While you can put your feet up and go to lunch for about hours more. To become one of these, you need to say cool business catchphrases like too much on my plate, connect, reconnect, EOD, i'll check in with you, I need you to be more, etc. The kiss ass also enjoys making long personal calls, frequent trips to the lavatories, frequent smoke breaks, aimless wondering and socializing.

Super Kiss Ass

Super Kiss Ass is the above except generally considered relatively attractive. As a result, the Super Kiss Ass’s ability is nearly doubled into an unstoppable freight train that you will be unable to say no to. Not to mention neither will the company hire ups. Eventually, these people get old and their looks wither away or they are found out to have no real ideas of substance or merit.

Dinosaur Kiss Ass

This subspecies of the Ass Kisser really has to walk that fine line of ass kicking because it’s all he/she has left. This is the guy/girl that’s in his late 50s but not rich enough to fully retire so he/she has to kiss ass in order to keep his job. Luckily at this age, the person knows all the tricks except how to send emails, print things and use a computer but really no one in the work setting knows how to use those.

Jock

Nope it’s not high school anymore but those mofuckin’ Jocks are still alive and well. Sure their numbers are decreasing but some of them haven’t bothered to check their emails or blackberries and realized that their schtick is old and whithered. The majority of them are in their early 20s or facing an identity crisis in their late 30s and 40s. The Jock is loud, obnoxious and will not take no for answer. He can be found around the water cooler so he can update you on his latest life occurrences whether you want to hear them or not. He also “goes to the gym” thinking people should be astonished by that. I mean really only 95% of America frequent gyms anyway.

The Hard Worker

The person that gets to work early and has to make everyone aware of that. Listen, congrats, you wake up early and stay late. Good for you! That's what happens when you are more a less a glorified meeting organizer. It's not my fault you have evolved past the fact there is more to life than a job. The hard worker also enjoys sending out messages via blackberry or pc during the day and at odd hours at night. You also love the cc. It's your best friend and partner. You like bringing him along when someone makes a mistake. But when you realize you are the fucker-upper, you hide it. You also love sending emails with the big red ! because frankly you must get noticed and other people must get the work done.

Hard worker also has a sibling called hard work0r. These are the people that cry about being overworked when really all they do is micromanage and sit on meetings. I'm sorry, but going to meetings isn’t work. You are not doing anything other than talking, so STFU and stop crying about your work. You get paid more so stop giving out your job responsibilities to people below you. Hard work0rs also tend to say job buzz words when in reality have zero idea what they are talking about. You just transfer words to your underlings without explaining shit. They also stay late but this is due to the fact that they don't do work during the day and they can't get away with not doing it tomorrow. Their explanations also tend to be full of shit in a circular and making-no-sense manner.

The Does Jack Shit-er

This person treats the office as one's own personal playground. They don't actually do any work until specifically asked to by someone for something. Otherwise, they are more than happy to have all their friends call in to work, or go out for a 2 hour lunch. If they are high enough on their corporate ladder, they dump the work on their assistants or associates. When this happens, they also tend to become highly motivated and stressed out but not to actually do the work. They also proofread things because really what more is out there for them to do.

The Hipster

The hipster is too hip and cool. They wear really cool ripped jeans and shades, wear a tshirt but jazz it up with a hip sports coat. Ya its really cool. They also gotta play music at their office and eat all these trendy expensive places. The hipster can be seen listening to a cool new british band and having really obscure art on their walls. The hipster is cool. You also say cool things like right on, totally, that’s sexy etc. Did i mention skateboards people, SKATEBOARDS!!!!!

The Burn Out

Burn out is one who either works really hard and finally loses it going insane or one who decided to take acid a little more than the USDA allotted before becoming clinically insane. Suffice to say they are a mess and on their own planet and scatter brained to all hell. Though sadly, these people are a trip during company parties and happy hours and that's why we love em. Cheers to you Burn out!

Office manager

The hey i'm a good guy but do actually nothing so they gave this job where I fix the printers and feed the fish. You just walk around and point at random things and make sure someone isn't looking at porn or anything. Oh and you clean out the company fridge. Congrats on a very important life. You make us all very proud.

Blogging Douchebag

There’s that one asshole in the office that has a blog with some friends and has to decide to update it during work. So instead of actually doing things necessary and vital to his many clients, he goes on and on and writes about the truly important things like say uh Guitar Hero. Sure some would say he neglects enough work via aim and various Steeler and Penguin message boards but alas he moves forward, undaunted. Until he realizes that it’s about 7:15 pm and he really needs to fix that TPS report.

Tune in next week as we meet the rest of those zany office characters.