Cockblock Needed!

We've all been there. You're at the bar around closing time or at a party that's winding down with some smooth music. You're having a drunken conversation(shouting match) with your boys, or are chatting up a fine 'lil chiquita. You notice out of the corner of your eye another of your buddies drunkenly, sloppily, making out with-IS THAT A MAN!? Everyone does a double take. No, its not a guy, it is a horrendously ugly woman. So grotesque that there is no humor in letting him go home with her to wake up to a terminal case of coyote arm. The "woman" in question probably looked something like this:




The shame of this kind of hook-up can never be washed off, and you could never look your boy in the eye again, knowing you failed him in your manly duty. When on the hunt, men have to look out for each other, it is a solemn obligation to prevent each other from making major mistakes. In caveman times, when a tribe went out hunting, the group wouldn't let a hunter go off by himself to eat an obviously sick, elderly and disease-ridden animal when there was healthier prey available, they worked together. And todays hunting grounds are no different. A "cockblock" is usually a bad thing, thrown by a jealous friend of the shorty you are conversing with who isn't getting enough attention or by said shorty's 6'6" 350lb boyfriend. Well, that second one is a cockblock or Aggravated Assault, depending on how many stitches you need. Regardless, sometimes a man needs to throw a cockblock to prevent a bad situation (buddy leading off second base) from getting worse (RBI and a lifetime of regret).



Now, if you haven't figured out yet, this post is directed at Dwyane Wade. Ive heard some nasty rumors about this nominally married man and who has been picking him up at the American Airlines Arena after home games. Evidently he and the skeeze known as Star Jones have been seeing a lot of each other lately. D-Wade's pathetic denial on TNT makes it pretty clear that something is going on:



Now, there are a few things wrong with this picture. First, she is horrendously unattractive, she looked better before the gastric-bypass surgery that she tried to cover up. And frankly, the least I expect of professional athletes is that the women they cheat on their wives with should be better looking than anyone I could ever sleep with. Second, this hussy is insanely annoying. I had dorm cable for a semester a few years back and "The View" was one of the few shows on it. Family Guy had it right, its just a bunch of hens clucking constantly, except that the one named Star is a huge bitch. And third, shes 20 years older than him! You are a professional basketball player Dwyane! Women throw themselves at you everyday and you are settling for a dried up, surgically mutilated piece of Grade F chop steak. Take advantage of your situation, if not for yourself, for the millions of average guys out there who would give a finger to be in your situation.

But the fault here lies not with Dwyane entirely, his teammates have let him down. Instead of kidding him about this fling, someone needs to step in(Im looking at you Ricky Davis) and hook this guy up with one of the local girls. Save him from himself Miami Heat, it is your duty.

Props to T-Bag on the research assist