Match the photo with his quote:

A) Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose

B) The Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.

The AFC Championship: A Pictorial Journey

And so it was that the Steelers thrice defeated their hated rivals the Baltimore Ratbirds in a single season to move on to try and obtain the holy grail of football: the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Despite the vitriol, hate-hate relationship between these teams, there is a mutual respect for each other because both know the other is undeniably good. And so I too will show my respect by showing a pictorial journey of the Steelers and Ravens during their final game of the season against the Steelers.

And if you know me by now, by “showing respect” I mean “shitting all over the douchebags” and by “pictorial journey” I mean “using photos to make fun of them.” So in the words of Mahatma’s hero the immortal Bill Cowher: Let’s go!

Even the Airforce hates the Ratbirds

Get used to this position, cause we’re gonna shit all over you

"You shall not pass!"

Flacco about to lose his anal virginity



Don’t do it Ben! He’s got a knife and two people to blame it on!



At least the Ravens don't have to deal with this tool


Oh no! My Unibrow powers have failed me!


Ray “The Shanker” Lewis

Ryan Clark’s hit on Willis McGahee

And because it’s still great

And to sum up the game:

Open Letter to the Baltimore Ravens

Dear Baltimore Ratbirds and their fans:






Sincerely,


Pittsburgh Steelers and their fans



P.S. Joe Flacco is a douche

White Boy escapes depression long enough to pick NFL Title Games

Arizona Cards at Philadelphia Eagles (-4)- Okay, I'm incredibly sick of the 08 Eagles being compared to the 07 Giants. What Philly is doing is way more impressive than what the Giants did last year. New York was a mediocre 4-4 in its last 8 games and had a playoff birth all but locked up by week 14. Philly was 5-5-1 after 11 games and looked like an NFC bottom feeder. Not only that, unlike the 07 Giants who had the 5 seed clinched after week 16, The Eagles of 08 not only had to win its week 17 game to get in, it needed miraculous help to boot. Philly's story, if it was to secure its first ever Lombardi trophy would be infinitely more inspiring and impressive than New York's story was last year, save the Bowl itself. I say all of this to inform my loyal readers that Philly has even more momentum right now than Big Blue did at this point last year. Oh and its playing a much less scary Arizona team who has an immobile QB and a gimpy superstar receiver. I love the Eagles big. THE PICK: EAGLES (31-20)

Baltimore Raves at Pittsburgh Steelers (-6)
This game seems very easy to pick. It seems obvious that it will be very close and very low scoring. Therefore, It seems highly unlikely that either team would win by more than 4. Take the points and bet on the Rat Birds. THE PICK: RAVENS (Pitt wins 17-13)

-White Boy South Bronx

SHMUCKS CHAMPIONSHIP PICKS (I've lost all games)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS(-6) vs. BALTIMORE RAVENS

So in the event I will be drinking on Sunday with Mahatma or Brooklyn Hillbilly I’ve made a list of things I shouldn’t say or do while watching the games:

- Don’t enter the bar or Devo’s house doing the Ray Lewis dance. One, I can’t dance. Two, all my attention will be focused on my choreography and I won't be able to dodge whatever items might be thrown at me.
- Make some Penguins comments (well, maybe just one)
- Tell Mahatma I bet money on the Ravens (when really I bet on the Steelers)
- Steelers will probably beat the Ravens but will lose to Whisencunt and the Cardinals in the Super Bowl
- James Harrison wants to be a Jet
- HATEBREEDERZ RULE!
- Joe Flacco reminds me of a young Terry Bradshaw, just less retarded
- Alaaan Fannecaa
- So I had my tongue up your sisters a$$ and……..

-Solves all your worries-

I don’t really care what all the critics and media have to say, it’s obvious everyone favors the Steelers. I don’t favor anyone in this game. To me these teams are identical and it’s going to come down to a field goal (or a bad call by Hochuli and company).

Pittsburgh 16, Ravens 15

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4) vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Anyone else get the feeling that this is going to be McNabb and Andy Reid's year? Earlier in the season McNabb was benched and Reid was probably on the hot seat and now look, one win away from returning to the Superbowl.

There are no distractions this time(T.O driveway crunches) and all the players seem to be having fun. Arizona has been playing flawless football lately but all good things must come to an end. Arizona's defense will have their hands full trying to contain Brian Westbrook and a mobile McNabb. I know Donovan is not the QB he once was but when the man needs to scramble he can still reach the secondary and move the chains. Without Westbrook, McNabb is an average quarterback at best. On the field, BW is as dangerous as they come.

To sum it up I think the Eagles are playing the best football of the remaining 4 teams. Without Westbrook they're in trouble but reports are saying he'll play. This will probably be McNabb's last Superbowl run. I still don't think he'll ever win one.

Eagles 34, Cardinals 27

The Brooklyn Hillbilly Kicks Edgar Allen Poe to the Curb

The Ravens are an alluring pick, but they have fatal flaws.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-6, 34)
Wow. What a game this should be. I will give the Ravens props here; they are a scary team to face when they are healthy. A power running game combined with a sick D will get you very far in the NFL, and it has for Baltimore this year. But alas, even good teams must fail. And Sunday is the day they do. Here’s why:

1. Suggs can't rush or tackle with one shoulder. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed get all the press on this D, but Suggs is a big reason Reed gets picks and Lewis gets tackles. Suggs has been a force since he joined the Ravens and I can guarantee without his pressure, Big Ben is going to have some extra time to pick apart the Ravens secondary. Without hurried throws, Ed Reed can’t make the big plays everyone has been lauding him for all year.

2. No real bye week finally bites the Ravens in the ass. After the weird Week 2 emergency bye week, the Ravens have played football every week. By my count that’s 17 weeks in a row with Sunday being the 18th game. At some point all the little aches and pains that don’t get put on the injury report combine with fatigue to create big injuries during the game. That’s why you saw the Ravens dropping like flies in the second half last week. These guys are gladiators, but not supermen.
The Steelers almost have this puzzle figured out.

3. No Rolle means Big Ben rolls. I am not scared of Fabian Washington and Frank Walker. And I don’t think Ben or Hines Ward is either, even if Walker is in a spitting mood. I’ve got to say, I’ve never heard of the guys who are going to be coming off the bench for nickel and dime packages for the Ravens, but if they were any good, they would’ve beaten out Walker or Washington to start. This really is Bruce Arians dream, he’s been running the spread offense all year and finally he’s got a great shot to destroy a secondary with it. I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and rely on it.
The saddest fan prop ever.
4. Rookie-ness will get to Flacco. When Big Ben steered the Steelers to a near undefeated season in 2004, I thought he was the second coming of Christ. Anything was possible. Big Ben, curing cancer and saving babies from wells, would become the greatest QB in the history of the game (he still is). Then the stink-bomb of the AFC Championship game against the Patriots brought my expectations back down to earth. In sifting through the wreckage of that season, a very interesting thing occurred to me (and a bunch of other people and sportswriters to be fair): When was the last time Ben had a day off? It’s an interesting question that really only affects rookies, and especially QBs. From the moment your senior year begins in college, you are constantly working. Not only do you have to lead your college team, you are trying to look good for NFL scouts. Say you go to a smaller school (U of Miami or Delaware perhaps), once the season ends, you have to work harder than the guys from USC, Oklahoma or Florida to get your name out there and raise your draft stock. Working out, interviews, studying pro systems, there’s no let-down from season to preparing for the draft. Once you are drafted, you study your teams system and start preparing for mini-camp and training camp. It’s a constant grind and it eventually wears people down mentally and physically. At some point Flacco will break down and make, if not a huge mistake, then a large one, probably induced by a large black man with a black jersey on running toward him with murderous intent.

5. Both teams are closers, but the Steelers are better at it. Like I said last week, the Steelers win close games. That’s what they’ve done this year behind the best 4th quarter QB since Elway. 7 wins you games if they are close. The Ravens are 2-3 in games decided by 7pts or less, better than the Chargers, but still nowhere near the 6-2 record Pittsburgh sports. This game is going to be a close one. I don’t believe anyone who tells me there’s a blowout happening. I’m just happy we’ve got a team built to win close games, with two of the best possession receivers in the game (Ward and Heath Miller), a tandem of backs that can get first downs when needed (Mewelde Moore and Gary Russell) and a D that wont let teams gain a time of possession advantage through the running game or give up big drives in key spots.
Ill give you a hint boys, the victim was the 2008 Baltimore Ravens. Your primary suspects live in western Pennsylvania.
Some may say that the Steelers will only win this game because the Ravens are so dinged up. Those people are idiots. The Steelers have put together a team that is the best in the AFC (fuck the Titans) and it will be fitting that Pittsburgh will be its representative in the Super Bowl. Godspeed ye men in black and gold. 17-13, Steelers go for #6.


Philadelphia at Arizona(+4, 47)
I have to tell you. This one is eluding me. I hear both sides making great cases for their teams. Ordinarily, I'd say, “Its gonna be close” and pick a winner. But I don’t think it will be close. One of these teams is gonna hit the hard wall of fate here and get slapped around. And to hear that Brian Westbrooks knee still looks like a grapefruit doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in the Eagles. Besides, if theres one thing Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb do well, its lose NFC Championship games. Kurt Warner puts another Super Bowl trip on his debit card with God, 31-10.

Mahatma's Championship Game Picks

Philadelphia Eagles (-4) @ Arizona Cardinals



I wonder if Arizona refers to their stadium as the aviary?

Anyway why the hell are all these birds in the playoffs this year and how the hell are they doing this well? If I bet someone that these two teams would be in the NFC Championship game, I'd be living in Cabo right now with a russian vixen named Veronika.

Sadly, this isn't the case and here I am in the lovely 5 degree weather that is NYC. People are already expecting a Eagle/Steeler superbowl and for good reason but remember Arizona has done an amazing job the last 2 weeks in guessing the opponents snap counts. Their maligned defense is now flying to the ball in impressive fashion and at times that offense looks unstoppable.

Philly is riding the defense and I have a sickening feeling Brian Dawkins will be the win one for Elway, Strahan, Manning, Bettis, Gipper mode. Also i don't think the Larry Fitzgerald will be able to have nearly the same success last week matched up against Asante Samuel. Last game against Philly, Fitzy had only 5 catches for 65 yards but 2 of them were for touchdowns and Samuel didn't even play. The Eagles shouldn't fear the run game of the Cardinals and I don't think they will. This defense is playing well and McNabb had his best game of the year against the soft Cheezenhunt defense. This is going to be the best game of the day.

Pick:
Eagles- 28
Cardinals - 27

Baltimore Ravens (+6) @ Pittsburgh Steelers



my week:
Monday: They're a good team, but really banged up. We got this.
Tuesday: We cant lose to a team that banged up can we?
Wednesday: They are going to put up a fight
Thursday: Why IS EVERYONE PICKING US TO WIN
Friday: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont turn the ball over, thats our only chance
Saturday: Don't fucking talk to me, we already lost
Sunday: DRINK

Suffice to say Baltimore isn't backing down from anything. It's also been exceptionally quiet from Ratbird nation. I mean usually it's one of Bart Scott or the Murderer saying one thing or another retard but they are hush hush. Maybe their mouths are hurt too (here all week people)

The Ravens are hurt or something and everyone is on the Steeler bandwagon. Don't you feel a jinx coming? Because I sure as hell do.

Here's why the Ravens will win:

• Throw everything out of the window: divisional rivals. I don't care what the records are the Ravens are built to beat the Steelers. How you beat the Steelers is a consistent running game, playaction game and a stout defense. Ravens have that in spades.
• Ratbirds are hot. They've lost like once since mid November and that team that beat won on a controversial call.
• They just beat the best team in the AFC on the road with a rook QB. Style points weren't needed and they took it to the Titans who are more tougher than the Steelers.
• Injuries can be a motivational technique. These are all NFL players and they aren't all terrible (outside of Willie Colon). There have simply been too many cases in the NFL of substitutes coming in and playing just as well as, if not better than, the starters for whom they were subbing for. The Steelers seem to be getting too "comfortable about the Ravens' injuries". And if they do get "comfortable", you know what? That means they don't deserve to go to the Super Bowl. If playing the Ravens in the AFCCG, even if they were dressing 22 waterboys, doesn't rate the Steelers' "A" game, then screw 'em!
• All week the Ravens have heard that they can't beat the Steelers because they are so banged up. They are also playing with "House" money. I thought the NFL didn't condone gambling. Now even more so. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
  
• God loves Ray Lewis. Look he got away with murder. God hates heathens especially those who ride motorcycles without helmets.
  
• Joe Flacco is the BEST ROOKIE QB OF ALL TIME.
  
• Giants lost 2 vs. Cowshits last year before winning the ultimate matchup.
  
• Cam Cameron is a good coordinator and will put his team in the best position to win
  
• Steelers offense line is still bad and will always be bad until the offseason
• Arians called a rare good game last week but can he do it two weeks in a row?
  
• The Steelers defense has looked quite average the last two meaningful games. Kerry "Old" Collins lit them up and Phillip Rivers would have also if Brett Kiesel didn't bat up a pass and special teams.
• Sports Illustrated Cover. Seriously. FUCK YOU SI. What makes this worse is that headline. Ugh.

• All of ESPN is picking us. Seriously, kill me now.
• Because the genius, Seth Wickersham says the Steelers will win. Again... kill me
• Devo & Sports Guy are picking the Steelers. If that's not the kiss of death, I don't know what is.

That being said, Steelers win in a blowout. Steelers get up early and Flacco's gotta throw. Right into the arms of Steeler defenders.





Flacco than can go run into the arms of Ernie and the Baltimorons can save their rallybrows for next season.

Pittsburgh - 35
Baltimore - 9

Devo's Championship weekend picks (4-4)

Ah, championship weekend, my favorite day of the year. Nothing to do but hang out all day and watch the two best teams in each league battle it out.

2 things about Sunday that are near certainties:

1. These games will be more exciting than the Super Bowl. Most of the time, the best two teams are in the same league, with the winner playing the fourth or fifth best team overall. Even when the two best teams are in two different leagues, it doesn't necessarily mean the two best teams meet in the Super Bowl because...

2...most of the time, only one of the two expected Super Bowl teams makes it. Last year, everyone expected a Packers/Patriots Super Bowl. The year before, everyone expected a Patriots/Bears Super Bowl. And the year before that, everyone expected a Pitt/Carolina Super Bowl. So this year, with everyone expecting a Pittsburgh/Philly Super Bowl, one of these teams can be sure to fall short. Which one? Onto the picks!

ARIZONA (+4) over Philly

I hate this game from a fan's perspective. I can't root for Philly as a Giants fan, and I'm not sure that I respect Arizona as an NFL franchise. If Philly wins, I'll be offended as a Giants fan. If Arizona wins, I'll be offended as a football fan. Philly is the better team here and would win this matchup at least 6 times out of 10, but most of the factors seem to be pointing towards Arizona. For one, Westbrook not only isn't practicing, but hasn't been much of a factor throughout the playoffs. Second, the Arizona defense has been solid. Sure, they were basically handed the ball by Delhomme last week, but that doesn't change the fact that they have a few playmakers on the defense. And while their running game was below average for most of the season, it has held its own recently. Throw in the fact that Arizona is home and the Giants were a good quarterback performance away from hosting this bitch, and I'm taking Arizona in something of an upset.
Arizona 31
Philly 27


PITTSBURGH (-6) over Baltimore

Baltimore has a nice team-one of the better defenses in the league, a talented, young quarterback, and a veteran receiver who gives his team a few nice plays each game. Unfortunately, nice teams don't win these games. Pittsburgh? They have a team that is similar to the Giants in this way: the only way they will lose is if they beat themselves. In both of their situations, their defense and running games are good enough to carry the team. The only issue is whether the quarterback would ruin it for everyone else. In the Giants' case, the result was clear. In Pittsburgh's case, I'll admit that I thought Roethlisberger would bring about the Steelers downfall, but I was wrong- Ben convinced me last game that he's back and going to lead the Steelers to a Super Bowl. In a game that will technically be close but where the outcome won't be in doubt, I'll say
Pitt 17
Baltimore 7


And not that it has to do with anything but:

When you're unemployed you tend to become immersed in pointless sports debates simply because there's nothing else to do at 1pm on a Tuesday. As such, I was getting bombarded with the 'which of McNabb and/or Warner deserves to be in the Hall of Fame' debate. The simple fact is this: neither of these quarterbacks deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. In Warner's case, yes, he's had 3 mvp-type seasons, starting in '99 and including this year. He's also had 7 seasons that range from adequate to dreadful. I don't care if he's a 3 time mvp, he needs at least 4 or 5 more pro bowl caliber seasons in order to make it. And as for McNabb, I guess the numbers are deceptively impressive, but does anyone think he's had a better career than Peyton, Brady, or Favre? How about Favre, McNair, or Brees? That roughly puts him as the 7th best quarterback of his era. Should 7 quarterbacks go into the hall of fame in a league where no more than 7 people can be voted in on any given year? The thing with the Hall of Fame in any league is that it should be a senses test: Does this man look/smell/feel/taste/sound like a Hall of Famer? In the opinion of this pompous blowhard, no.

If the NYC boroughs and NJ were children, they would all be:

1. Manhattan: The Oldest Child.
Oldest children in families are generally divided into two types:

a) The leader of the family, always serving as a role model for the younger children. Manhattan can certainly be the role model for the other boroughs, as most of what takes place in New York happens here, but...

b) the oldest child can also have a false sense of entitlement. They were the first, and they'll be damned if any up and coming child who is two years behind them is going to take away their mojo. Why is the oldest/Manhattan the best? Well they were first so everything about them HAS to be better, right? Or maybe they're resented by their younger siblings for said sense of entitlement, but the younger siblings have learned to live with Manhattan's arrogance.

2. Queens/Brooklyn: The middle child

Ya know, thinking at most of my friends from 3+sibling households, generally the middle children are my favorite. Usually, these children are the most grounded: they see how arrogant Manhattan is, and do everything in their power to be nicer to the younger children. In the same way that the middle child is probably the smartest, most down to earth child, Queens and Brooklyn are very fun, chill boroughs that aren't as arrogant as Manhattan but are absolutely as much fun without being arrogant.

3. Jersey: The youngest child

If the older two children are boys, they spend their time physically beating up the youngest. If the older two children are girls, they spend their time playing dress up with the youngest, hopefully, but not always, a girl in this situation. Either way, Jersey/youngest child has spent their youth being mentally and physically beaten down by the oldest children, both of whom use the youngest child as a punching bag. But ya know what? After the constant beatdowns for simply being there, the youngest child becomes stronger for it. Moreover, the inferiority of the youngest child builds up a sense of humor that far outweighs the first two. (Stewart, Jon)

4. Staten Island: The mistake that the parents decide to keep

Ever meet a family that has 3 kids roughly 5-6 years apart and then another child 6-7 years younger than the 3rd child? Well that 4th kid is Staten Island. Really, there's not much redemption to be in this spot. The third child finally has a younger sibling, so all the crap that NJ endured is about to be put on Staten Island. Staten Island-be prepared for your beatdown. You've earned it by being the bastard child/borough.

Sports figures we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies (First of a SUS series)

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Yinzer’s five Sports figures he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemies

5. Jim Leyland/Stan Belinda

You’re going to have to think back to a time where the Pittsburgh Pirates where actually a good team. A stretch I know, and yes, it was during our lifetime, the early 90’s to be precise. Belinda was the favorite reliever of then manager Jim Leyland, when he only looked sixty instead of ten years dead. Here’s the problem: everyone but Leland knew Belinda sucked. And when you’re in the ninth inning and about to advance to the World Series, you don't put your worst reliever in. But that’s exactly what Leyland did, and what happened? The Braves advanced and the Pirates stayed home. Belinda blew the most important game of his life, just like he blew every other game he ever pitched in. Seriously, Leyland was the only person in the entire city that didn’t know to not put Belinda in. So while Belinda is terrible, fault must also be put on Leyland for being such an idiot hence the two being lumped together.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Fucking Belinda/ Fucking Leyland

It’s one of those things that the person infuriates you so much that you don't even bother to put the effort in to coming up with a nickname. Just that convenient adjective that starts with an “f.

4. Michel Ouellet

Ouellet was a winger for the Penguins for two years. He was a favorite of coach Michel Therrien, and that just aggravates me more. Therrien gave him every chance and then some to succeed while immediately benching anyone else that made a single mistake. For a scoring forward I’ve never seen someone kill so many offensive chances for their own team. He was so slow I actually expected Malkin to grab him by the wrist and drag him up ice. He couldn’t hit the net while moving at the same time, or if he was further than five feet out, yet managed to get top line duty constantly. Watching Ouellet was like watching a five year old playing in the ten year old age bracket: all he did was race to keep up.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Mango Salsa

Well, not really my nickname, but a popular one on the hockey message board I frequent. Why you ask? Well, it’s because Ouellet looks like the Geico caveman who orders the duck with the mango salsa. And it’s just fun to say.

3. Sean Mahan

Mahan was the center for the Steelers for a single year. He was signed as a free agent then promptly dealt the next to free up cap space. I am not embellishing when I say he could not hike the ball and remain standing at the same time. Nearly every play he would hike it then subsequently fall to the ground. If he somehow maintained his balance, a light breeze would often topple him. At one point I actually did an objective comparison between Mahan and a piece of crap (since that’s what everyone kept calling him) on which is better at the position. The piece of crap won. Hands down. He couldn’t block anyone, and was a big reason the Ben got sacked so much because he’d just let the defensive linemen right in. His play can only be described as horrid. Note: I couldn’t find a picture of him in action, so I put a typical scene with him in play. Notice he is nowhere to be found and Ben is getting sacked.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Gayhan

Credit goes to Mahatma for this one, but I adopted it because it was fitting. I think it speaks for itself.

2. Jim Haslett

Yes, the interim coach of the St. Louis Rams. Why you say? Well you know how the Steelers have always been known for their defense? Well when Haslett arrived to replace defensive coordinator and demigod Dick Lebeau after taking a head coaching job, Haslett got the job and ruined the Steelers defense like he was George W. Bush handling the US Economy. The blitzes stopped. The prevent was used to start the 4^th quarter with a seven point lead. Pressure on the QB was nonexistent. Talent alone held the Steelers defense together. I still remember in high school saying how he instantly ruined the defense (honestly, two games in I would have fired the man), yet no one would listen. Then Haslett goes to New Orleans to coach and all of a sudden the Steelers defense leaps back towards the top of the league. I preached for three years Haslett was a problem and after he left everyone finally admitted I was right. I hate this man, and I am always hoping he maintains a head coaching job because it means he can never suck the life out of the Steelers defense again.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: That asshole who ruined our defense

Nope, nothing fancy here. I didn’t go for anything creative or a single word. He’s just that asshole that ruined one of the league’s best defenses.

1. Ian Moran

Do you know this man? No, you don’t, but us Penguins fans know him very well. He is possibly the worst defenseman to ever play hockey. Ever. He couldn’t hit, clear the net, shoot, move the puck or cover his man. In other words, he lacked any skills that are needed to some extent out of every NHL defenseman. For years people made excuses for him, saying “he was a good guy” or “he tries hard” or even worse, “he’s versatile” because he was moved to wing a few games where he was equally useless. And this went on for eight years. EIGHT YEARS!!! And every game there he was getting top four minutes, not even having the decency to get injured and miss games every once in a while. You know how the Penguins became synonymous with no defense? Ian Moran was a big part of that. He is truly the worst NHL player I have ever seen. Oh yeah, and he’s a Masshole too.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Ian Moran

In the Yinzer family, Ian Moran has actually become the gravest insult we can bestow on one another. Imagine you’re arguing and start the name calling, then you get hit with “Ian Moran.” It’s like going straight to the triple dog dare. Back in the day, insults like this started duels.

A Lowe-down Dirty Shame...Braves get Derek

After a ton of speculating and negotiating, the Braves got Derek Lowe. What a letdown. I was really enjoying hating the Phillies a ton and now I'm going to have to expand the hatred-capacity in my brain. Don't get me wrong, I have always hated the Braves (always will), but they've become so...insignificant lately that I saved my hatred for them only when they played the Mets. I guess I can actually hate Lowe too, for teasing us fans for a few weeks. I would add Scott Boras to the mix, but we still need him to help us get Ollie Perez back in order to salvage this off-season when it comes to starting pitching (I'm not counting the signing of Tim Redding yet. I'm just not sure what he can bring).

To me, Lowe always seemed like a better idea than Ollie, just because of the consistency factor. Derek has it, Perez doesn't. Still, I'd rather them sign him than no one at all. According to Metsblog.com, Omar Minaya was always more interested in Perez than Lowe, but the front office disagreed. Apparently, the Mets are also looking into Randy Wolf (I'm all about bringing the Wolf Pack to CitiField...oops I almost wrote Shea) and Ben Sheets. Only time will tell my friends, but I really wouldn't have minded seeing Derek Lowe in Queens.

BTW

My movie Golden Globe picks were not stellar as I suspected, but I did do better on the TV ones. I loved Steve Carell's beard. I loved Eva(n) Longoria's dress. I love Tina Fey, but I hated her dress.

~MissMet

Suburbanite vs. Bug...Who you got?

JETS HEADCOACHING CANDIDATES

REX RYAN - Defensive Coordinator, Baltimore Ravens


YEA - Can run a 3-4 and a 4-3 defense effectively. Ravens defensive unit has been consistent for the last decade and Rex has been a huge part of that success since the beginning.

NAY - Has never been a head coach before. No coordinator from the Ravens organization has had much success as head coaches (Marvin Lewis, Mike Nolan)






BRIAN SCHOTTENHEIMER- Offensive Coordinator, NY Jets



YEA - Shows signs of offensive genius. Emotional coach and the players like him. Well respected family name in the NFL.



NAY - His play-calling is questionable (throwing on 4th and 1 and abandoning the running game when it's affective). He too has no head-coaching experience and can be milking his dads reputation.






BILL CALLAHAN - Offensive Line/Assistant Head Coach, NY Jets


YEA - Was the head coach for the Raiders and led them to the Superbowl. Jets running game improved 1yd per rush and the offensive line was one of the best in the AFC

NAY - Since he left the Raiders they haven't had a winning season. Nebraska Cornhuskers used to be a dominant force in College Football, now they're not. Players don't seem to get along with him. He should just stay as an offensive line coach.



MIKE SHANAHAN - EX-Head Coach, Denver Broncos




YEA - He won 2 superbowls (long time ago) and has a long resume of accomplishments with Denver. Definitley an offensive-minded genius. Can plug in any running back and turn them into a 1200yd rusher.


NAY - Doesn't seem to want to coach for any team next season. He hasn't won any big games since John Elway retired. High profile coach, he's going to want to have a lot of authority.






JEFF JAGODZINSKI - Ex-Head Coach, Boston College



YEA - Has a great offensive mind and has worked with Brett Favre



NAY - He knows Brett Favre















MOSES - The Real Hebrew



YEA - He parted a hell of a lot of water and quarterback sneaked the Jews out of Egypt.


NAY - He then got them lost for 40 years wandering around in the Desert. Jets haven't won the Superbowl in 40 years...coincidence? .....No....






STEVE SPAGNUOLO - Defensive Coordinator, New York Giants




YEA - Runs a very effective blitz heavy 4-3 defense (just ask Tom Brady). He's a smart coach coming from Jim Johnsons staff


NAY - He's never been a head coach before. The Jets have a lot of money invested in Calvin Pace, Vernon Ghoulston and Bryan Thomas who are built for the 3-4 defense. If Jets were to change to the 4-3, more than likely these 3 players would not be as effective and quite possibly cut(thomas).




AL BUNDY - POLK HIGH SCHOOL STATE CHAMPS






YEA - Scored 4 touchdowns including the game winner of the state championship game. He hates the French, loves Big'uns and founded No'MAM


NAY - Sure he's fictional but a man can dream can't he?






DARCY SEARS - Head Cheerleader, West Canon High School




YEA - WHIP CREAM BIKINI!




NAY - If you say Nay then you have no penis






My vote is for Rex Ryan. He just seems to make the most sense. I don't like Schottenheimer because besides the Jets he's had no other interviews for other headcoaching vacancies. 2 years ago he was telling a few teams no, including the Dolphins. Everyone else would come with risks and a lot of drama that this team doesn't need anymore of.

An Open Letter to the Carolina Panthers:

Dear Carolina,

I'm saddened about my team's sudden loss of a football season. While I could blame any number of things, including but not limited to:

• Eli's lousy throwing
  
• Eli's inability to do anything productive inside the red zone or anywhere near the red zone.
  
• Gilbride deciding to call plays that involved passes no shorter than 20 yards unless they were for Derrick Ward in the middle of a typical Giants Stadium wind.
• Gilbride deciding to call for an Eli Manning sneak on fourth down when you have a 270 pound beast at halfback.
• An illegal block penalty on RW McQuarters during a good Hixon punt return. This wouldn't have happened if McQuarters was busy trying to catch the punt.
• Carney missing two field goals.
• the defense coming up big early but coming up small at the worst possible moments a la the Strahan era pre-2k7, most notably giving up a 3rd and 20 for a first down.
• And about 15 other things that don't come to mind at this moment...

I choose to blame you. The Giants/Panthers game was going to determine whether the Giants, coming off relatively meaningless losses to the Cowboys and Eagles were still the best team in the NFL or whether they were going to continue the downward spiral that began with the slip of a pistol from a certain sweatpants waistband. After the win over your southern fried bitch asses, I got my hopes up that the Giants were destined for a Super Bowl appearance at worst. After all, the Giants just beat the best that the NFC has to offer, how else would they lose?

Well, Carolina, you were frauds. You guys, apparently, were as good as I thought you were in week 9, not week 15. And thus, I falsely got my hopes up for this Giants team even though it was fairly obvious that outside of this game, the Giants defense was good but not great and the Giants passing game was virtually non-existent. So Carolina, you got my hopes up about my Giants team, and for that, you guys deserve 10 years of 7-9 mediocrity.

Sincerely,

Devo

PS-It's fashionable to say that the Giant receivers aren't that good, and they may be right. But were they not very open for most of the first half? Maybe that says more about Eli than Hixon, Smith, & Co?

Fuck Philly

I just wanted to post this picture. Happy monday!

WOW

“Most people don’t give us a chance,” he declared, in a reference to the 17½ to 20 points favoring Baltimore. “I think we have a chance. Matter of fact I think we’ll win it. I’ll guarantee it.” Joe Namath

40 years ago today the Jets were NFL champions. Damn, if you think about it:

- Watergate

- Vietnam War ended
- Challenger mission

- Disco and Studio 54

- Debbie Does Dallas

- Reagan

- Star Wars

- Nintendo

- Atari

- Fraggle Rock

- Reagan assassination attempt

- Gak

- The Sack Exchange

- The Goonies

- AIDS (goodbye unproctected sex, hello condoms)

- Berlin Wall

- The Mullet

- Michael Jackson

- CD's

- DVD's

- Laser Discs (Remember those big f*uckers!)

- The Dream Team

- OJ Simpson 2,000 yards

- OJ Simpson double murderer

- OJ Simpson convicted thief

- Hair Bands

- Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape

- Viagra

- Kelly Kapowski and Saved by the Bell

- Bucky F*cking Dent

- Larry Allen (Dallas Cowboys)

- Bill Buckner

- Lord of the Rings

- The War on Drugs.....mmmk

- Computers

- Internet

- Internet Porn

- Grunge (Nirvana, PJam, AIC, Soundgarden, TOOOOOOL)

- Scott Stevens & Devils 3 Stanley Cup championships

- Fresh Prince of Bel Air

- Devostock (2 of 'em)

all this has happened since the Jets last championship. Man.....Jets suck

Because no football games happened yesterday...IT'S GOLDEN GLOBES TIME: TV Awards with MissMet & Devo

So, the Golden Globes aired on Sunday. You’ve gotta love all of that glitz, glamour and hammered celebrities. Could you believe the dress on (enter starlet here)?? Why did (latest dish) do that to his hair?! Eep. Oh well, those crazy stars, what are you gonna do with them? Devo and I, MissMet, have gone ahead and picked out our personal TV winners a few days before the show. How did we do?

Best Actress Drama:

Nominees: Sally Field- Brothers and Sisters, Mariska Hargitay- Law and Order: SVU, January Jones- Mad Men, Anna Paquin- True Blood, Kyra Sedgwick- The Closer

MissMet: Anna Paquin has an Oscar. She’s about my age. She’s had that Oscar for about 14 years. Yeahhh. Anyways, last year, in the weird Press Conference Globes (remember the strike?) Mad Men came in with all the hype and took away a ton of awards. January could win, this is her month after all (har har har), but I still like Brenda Lee Johnson for kicking ass and taking names. Kyra Sedgwick.

Devo: Is January Jones the un-anorexic, hot chick? If so, I’m rooting for her. Other than that, I really don’t care about this category. Sorry.

Best Actor Drama:

Nominees: Gabriel Byrne- In Treatment, Michael C. Hall- Dexter, Jon Hamm- Mad Men, Hugh Laurie- House, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers- The Tudors

MissMet: As much as I love Mr. Laurie for his great acting/American accent/limp/medical jargon, I think that voters are going to let Jon Hamm have the moment of glory he missed out on when he won last year.

Devo: I’m not asking for a Golden Globe for Dominic West. (McNulty on The Wire) I’m demanding it. And not a single Golden Globe as much as a lifetime achievement award. The Wire got amazingly snubbed now and each of its 5 seasons. As for the nominees: In Treatment annoyed me because it was on so much. Ditto for the House promos, always on during NFL games. I’ll stand in for Mahatma and say Michael C. Hall should win for Dexter.

Best TV Show- Drama:

Nominees: Dexter, House, In Treatment, Mad Men, True Blood

MissMet: Mad Men will rule the night I think. Does anyone watch True Blood? I’m a little intrigued, but my TV plate is already quite full. Thoughts?

Devo: Haven’t seen True Blood. Don’t ask me why I’m ok with a show about polygamy but draw the line at vampires, but I stand by it. Speaking of which, not only did The Wire get screwed as stated above, but no Big Love love?

Best Actress Comedy:

Nominees: Christina Applegate- Samantha Who?, America Ferrera- Ugly Betty, Tina Fey- 30 Rock, Debra Messing- The Starter Wife, Mary-Louise Parker- Weeds

MissMet: PLEASE WELCOME LIZ LEMONNNN! (Tina Fey)

Devo: The first two seasons of Weeds are fantastic TV, and the third season wasn’t so bad either. But during the fourth season, I found myself rooting for Mary-Louise Parker’s character to die. So I’m probably not rooting for her. I’m with MissMet. Go Ms. Fey. While I have my soapbox, if Fey’s Sarah Palin was the best work SNL has done since Will Ferrell, it proves that Daily Show is light years ahead of SNL for political and every other type of satire.

Best Actor Comedy:

Nominees: Alec Baldwin- 30 Rock, Steve Carell- The Office, Kevin Connolly- Entourage, David Duchovny- Californication, Tony Shalhoub- Monk

MissMet: It won’t be Kevin Connolly, who I was very surprised to see here, because Entourage hasn’t been all that good in 2 seasons. Will voters like Duchovny’s ‘method’ of actually becoming a sex addict? Perhaps. I still like Alec Baldwin.

Devo: Wow, E? Really? I completely agree with MissMet about Entourage, rooting for Vinnie Chase to declare bankruptcy all season. But bankruptcy court probably makes for lousy comedy. Like Entourage and Weeds, Office was much better a few years ago, and I think I only watch because Pam is hot. Oh, and I know I speak for BH when I say that Alec Baldwin is fantastic.

Best TV Show- Comedy

Nominees: 30 Rock, Californication, Entourage, the Office, Weeds

MissMet: Again, Entourage? Really? I’m still liking 30 Rock for its wittiness. Doesn’t it also make you miss Arrested Development?

Devo: Agreed with everything that was previously said. But seriously, Weeds needs to be Old Yeller-ed. I’ll root for Office, but only because of Creed Bratton. And Kevin.

Since there are no other professional sports of any consequence going down...

IT'S OFFICIALLY HOCKEY SEASON!









Denial: Not just a river in Egypt anymore...