The Times They Are A Changin

Are you cut out to be an NHL Goalie?

Probably not. But apparently Tampa Goalie Karri Ramo is lowering expectations like he is the offspring of 21st century Brett Favre and Al Pacino of 88 Minutes fame. Now, no one ever said that Ramo was any good. After all, he is the 4th goalie on a team whose starting goaltending is so bad that Vinny Lecavlier and Martin St. Louis are missing the playoffs for the second consecutive year. But the man is 0 for 4 in shootouts. Not 0 wins and 4 losses, but 0 saves against 4 shootout goals.

It's been established that guys like Zach Parise and Patrik Elias can score on Ramo, as evidenced by the Devils' 3-2 victory last night. I guess my question is this: Coach Sutter, next time you need a shooter vs. Ramo, any chance I can help out pro bono and live the dream?

Ouch of the week

This best NBA action I've seen in years!

Hockey Trade Deadline: Eastern Conference

One of the favorites times of the season for hockey fans is quickly approaching: the trade deadline (March 4, 3:00pm should you not know). This is where teams stock up for a long playoff run or admit their season was already finished and sell off what assets they know they can’t keep in the off season. Hockey fans cheer how their team landed the big free agent, or cry how their favorite team just got bent over on a deal. Teams are deciding whether or not their buyers or sellers, and if so who is on the block. In the first part of Yinzer’s trade deadline preview, we will take a look at the teams of the Eastern Conference.

Key:
Status- whether the team will be a buyer or seller
Available- players who are will potentially be moved due to rumors, performance or free agent status
Analysis- my take on their situation and what they will do
NTC- no trade clause (cannot be traded w/o consent, but can be sent to the minors or put on waivers)
NMC- non movement clause (cannot be moved under any circumstance)


Atlantic Division

New Jersey Devils
Status: Buyers
Available: Brian Gionta (F), John Madden (F), Bobby Holik (F)
Analysis:
If you pay attention to hockey, you know the Devils will not be sellers. GM Lou Lamoriello just doesn’t do it, be it out of stubbornness or pride. That said impending free agents Gionta, Madden and Holik aren’t going anywhere barring a massive overpayment by another team. They sit at the top of the Atlantic and second overall in the East, so they're definitely going to be looking to add an extra piece. Look for them to go after some secondary scoring or a depth defenseman. P.S- please deal for Miroslav Satan! This has to happen before he retires!


New York Islanders
Status: Sellers
Available: Bill Guerin (F), Doug Weight (F), Mike Comrie (F), Mike Sillinger (F),
Analysis:
The Isles are sitting at the bottom of the standings with no playoff hopes and that always spells sellers. Unfortunately, the Isles are striking out again. Sillinger is out the year and Weight is out until near the end of the season, meaning no one will be trading for them (and go figure Weight was having a good year and would have been worth something). Guerin has stated he doesn’t want to waive his NTC, meaning that’s three assets gone. Comrie has enjoyed his time on the Island and apparently his return is a mutual want for both, but the Isles can trade him and resign him in the off season. Still, don't expect a whole lot from the Isles because of these things.


New York Rangers
Status: Buyers
Available: Petr Prucha (F), Aaron Voros (F),Patrick Rissmiller (F), Dmitri Kalinin (D), Paul Mara (D)
Analysis:
The Rangers are sixth in the East but have a tenuous hold on the sport due to their recent free fall. They need a kick in the ass and they know it, because the post season isn’t set in stone for them. Prucha can’t crack the lineup most games, removed from a thirty goal season just three years ago. His stock is low, so don't expect more than a mid round pick if he is dealt. Voros’ name has been popping up recently, and teams looking for depth may be willing to take a chance, same goes for Rissmiller. Kalinin has seen his stock plummet since the lockout and the Rangers are likely to keep him for depth, which is even more likely now that Mara is out for a while. Look for the Rangers to go after some Avery-esque high energy player or someone who can fire up the locker room. Right now, talent isn’t the team’s problem. They have quite a few young players who will be restricted free agents this year and next, so don't expect any blockbusters for them.


Philadelphia Flyers
Status: Buyers
Available: Daniel Briere (F), Mike Knuble (F), Scottie Upshall (F), Joffrey Lupul (F), Randy Jones (D)
Analysis:
The Flyers love to wheel and deal, always seeming to have twice as many trades during the year as anyone else. Just like on the ice, they’re aggressive in their pursuit to improve the team (though they don't hit the other GM from behind in this case). They're definitely going to make some depth moves, and you should learn to never count them out of a blockbuster. Briere’s name keeps popping up, and the fact the Flyers seem t play better without him keeps the mill churning. But due to his contract ($6.5mm a year for six more years) and an NTC he isn’t going anywhere. Lupul, despite signing an extension seems to be a favorite target of rumor mongers, but he’s still young and I don't expect the Flyers to deal him. Knuble will be kept for grit and experience despite his fate being a cap casualty this summer, but Upshall, another possible cap casuality could very well be dealt. Jones is considered overpaid by many, and he could be packaged as part of a greater return. Look for them to be active again.


Pittsburgh Penguins
Status: Buyers
Available: Miroslav Satan (F), Ruslan Fedotenko (F), Phillip Boucher (D), Ryan Whitney (D)
Analysis:
Before you go jumping on me for being a Pens homer, no, I don't think they will make the playoffs. Pens management would beg to differ with me, which is why they’re going to try and make a few trades to get there (only to get their asses kicked in the first round mind you). So instead of selling what they have they’ll spend more assets in a futile attempt at a post season run. Satan and Fedotenko have been worthless and I think other teams have noticed so no one will be particularly interested (seriously Devils, take Satan. We’ll just give him to you!) Boucher just had foot surgery, meaning he won’t be going anywhere. Whitney has popped up in rumors the past month since his return due to his ability to actually get worse as he heals from an injury. His stock is the lowest it’s ever been, but with a reasonable contract and still young he can bring in a good return, and potentially that scoring winger the Pens so desperately need. Look for them to waste some picks trying to make a difference.



Northeast Division

Boston Bruins
Status: Buyers
Available: PJ Axelsson (F), Tim Thomas (G), Manny Fernandez (G)
Analysis:
For the record I’m reminding everyone how I said the Bruins were the dark horse of the East this year. But I admit, I didn’t expect them to be at the top of the conference. Rumors in recent weeks have them aggressively pursuing bigger name players such as Eric Cole from Edmonton. They have few free agent skaters, so their roster is mostly set next year, so there is less pressure to win this year before the roster blows up. GM Peter Chiarelli will need to decide which goalie to keep, but he may go with both into the post season. Both Fernandez and Thomas are experienced, and a hot goalie is always key in the playoffs. If he gets a deal that blows him out of the water for either though, expect him to go for it.


Buffalo Sabres
Status: Sellers
Available: Tim Connolly (F), Maxim Afinogenov (F), Ales Kotalik (F), Jaroslav Spacek (D),Teppo Numminen (D)
Analysis:
Buffalo holds the eighth spot as of this writing and can easily move up or down a notch. They have lost key players every year since the lockout and it may happen again this off season. Two forwards, Connolly and Afinogenov are likely not to return, the former from injuries that have kept his production limited and the other from poor play. The Sabres have attempted to deal Afinogenov since end of last year, and that no one has taken him is a sign of how bad his play is. For a low price someone may be willing to take him. Kotalik will probably be resigned, and Spacek has stated he is returning to Europe upon completion of his contract after this year, limiting his value as there is no hope of resigning him. Numminen may draw interest, but if Buffalo is planning on the post season they would rather have his experience than the mid round pick they would get in return.


Montreal Canadiens
Status: Buyers
Available: Alexei Kovalev (F), Alex Tanguay (F), Steve Begin (F), Mike Komisarek (D), Patrice Briesbois (D)
Analysis:
This was supposed to be the Canadiens year. Their players are a good mix of young and old, they hosted the All Star game and are celebrating 100 years of existence. Things haven’t gone as planned. Kovalev has underperformed leading to rampant trade speculation and that there is no chance of him being resigned after the year, not to mention the ire of fans. Robert Lang injured his Achilles heel putting him out for a while and the young players are not doing their share. They have managed to be middle of the playoff pack, but if they hope to go far they need to get better. They already dealt picks for veteran defenseman Mathieu Schneider and will probably make a play for another winger. Don't be surprised if Kovalev is gone at the deadline as his play has deteriorated to the point many fans would rather have less depth than him playing.


Ottawa Senators
Status: Sellers
Available: Chris Neil (F), Cristoph Schubert (F), Dean McAmmond (F), Flip Kuba (D), Martin Gerber (G)
Analysis:
The Sens have been plummeting since the middle of the ’07-’08 season, going from cup runner up to bottom feeder with mostly the same roster. The chance of making the playoffs is close to nil so they’ll be trying to get what they can in hopes of a quick rebuild. Neil will draw the most interest with his physical style of play (look for the Rangers to go for him), and close behind is Kuba who’s departure depends on whether he will waive his NTC if the Sens feel they can’t resign him. Schubert has been on the block all year with no takers and McAmmond may get some interest for a team looking for center depth. Gerber was on re-entry waivers at half price earlier this year and still no one bit, so don't expect him to be dealt. It is possible the Sens will blow their roster up even more with some major deals, but expect at least one of the aforementioned to be wearing a new uniform in March.


Toronto Maple Leafs
Status: Sellers
Available: Jason Blake (F), Dominic Moore (F), Nik Antropov (F), Tomas Kaberle (D), Pavel Kubina (D)
Analysis:
Ah what a train wreck that whish are the Leafs. They fired their last full time GM mid season, had an interim blow up the roster last deadline and this summer, and now with a new full time GM in place they’re blowing it all up again. New GM Brian Burke has made it known nearly every player on his roster is available, and has asked two players, Kaberle and Kubina, a list of teams they're willing to waive their NTC’s for. Antropov Burke has stated is as good as gone, and Moore could be available for a team wanting depth. They’d love to get rid of the underachieving Blake and his $4mm a year the next three years off the books, but the contract will deter anyone from taking a bite. They’re probably going to be the biggest sellers at the deadline, so keep an eye on them.


Southeast Division

Atlanta Thrashers
Status: sellers
Available: Colby Armstrong (F), Marty Reasoner (F), Niclas Havelid(D)
Analysis:
Atlanta didn’t wait for the deadline, dealing spare parts in Jason Williams and Mathieu Schneider in advance. Despite the massive rumors of Kovulchuk on the block, don’t expect it. He's their only real draw right now and they can’t afford to lose him. It’s primarily the rumormongers making waves because they dealt Hossa last year. They also keep trying to get Armstrong dealt, preferably back to Pittsburgh where he liked playing and was a fan favorite. Unfortunately Armstrong has been one of Atlanta's better players this year so they’ll be reluctant to give him up, and the Pens don’t need another third line winger, so unless it’s a bargain for the Pens forget them willing to deal back for him. Havelid has been a steady defensemen for most his career, and being around a while at 37 is something playoffs teams will look to get at the deadline. Look for the Thrashers to get what assets they can as Don Waddell continues to try and build the franchise since its inception, which was ten years ago.


Carolina Hurricanes
Status: buyers
Available:
Analysis:
The Canes have been up and down since their cup win, always losing players to injury or not fielding enough talent in general. They sit the last spot out of the playoffs, fighting division rivals the Panthers. They’re caught in that precarious position where the only real assets they have to trade are the ones they can’t afford to give up. They're going to try and add some minor pieces, hoping for diamonds in the rough as is normally the case with GM Jon Rutherford, rather than going for a big name player. Even if they were to try and sell, their free agents aren’t really anything other teams need.


Florida Panthers
Status: buyers
Available: Richard Zednik (F), Radek Dvorak (F), Jay Bouwmeester (D)
Analysis:
The Panthers look to be making the post season for the first time in years, something they desperately need to keep their dwindling fan base. To that end they are going to look to shore up team to make sure they get there. The biggest name on the block is young all star defenseman Jay Bouwmeester. The only problem is no one actually knows if he is on the block. Due to be a UFA, if Bouwmeester refuses to sign with Florida (as it’s been rumored for a while he doesn’t like it there) then he will be lost for nothing, which the Panthers don’t want. Unfortunately, trading JBo sends the wrong message to the fans they are committed to winning. It’s a crappy position for them to be in. If they decide to deal him, look for a lot coming back, based around a young player and another young player, touted prospect or first round pick in addition. The remaining players like Zednik and Dvorak (yes, he is still playing Ranger fans) wont garner enough of a return to make the Panthers part with them in their current position.


Washington Capitals
Status: buyers
Available: Michal Nylander (F)
Analysis
The Caps are looking strong with developing talent and led by head coach Bruce Boudreau who has turned the team into a contender in a little over a season he has been there. Don’t look for the Caps to add any major pieces or sell off depth for picks. Their goaltending has been shaky with one year wonder Jose Theodore, and while a veteran would be good don't expect it to happen because it would send the message to Theodore they don't have confidence in him, and when he's your starter for another year that isn’t good. Nylander’s name continues to pop up in trade rumors as his age and contract make him the odd man out, but the latter will keep him there. He is expensive and signed for a few more years, and an NMC lets his bar any trade the Caps may attempt (rumor mongers love to ignore NTC's and NMC's btw). They may add some depth players, but don’t expect much more from them as their roster is pretty well set for the future.

Better Late Than Never?

Holmes’ Super Bowl-winning catch comes with a price

What fucking shit is this. Holmes gets fined a mere 2+ weeks after the big game? Should we start expecting fines to come weeks after the fact? Does this mean the NFL is now going to watch every game again and dole out fines weeks and months after the fact? This is just stupid.

Look I know Holmes is the devil for using the football as a prop and he should be fined, sent to Gitmo, and the superbowl mvp trophy should be given to Larry Fitz but jesus christ.

I just find it retarded how there is a fine when no flag was on the play. It's happened all season where players haven't been called but than get a fucking invoice the next 3 days.
(For the record, you could also argue that Holmes was out of the play on the sidelines doing the celebration. It's not like he was following in the footsteps of TO, Chode Johnson, etc. He was on the sidelines after being hugged to death by his teammates for 10 seconds. In my book, play is dead and you should shove that flag up your ass.)

Anyway, sour grapes and all, I'll take my win and I'm sure Santonio will take his MVP trophy. I'm more considered that this might just set a dangerous precedence. Who is out there to stop the NFL from doing this weeks after the fact and fining/suspending people. And don't tell me they've been busy? What were they reviewing the probowl tape? Why this is coming out now is retarded. I just hope that late hits/celebration fines don't start popping up weeks later especially on plays that weren't flagged.

More cheese with that whine?

Quick sign these guys up for the opening act in the next SUS concert series

Sure they are old as shit but man can they rock!

The John Rocker Story

This looks awesome. Danny McBride is going places.

Dear A-Rod,

Fuck you, you fraud. You should have stayed on the juice long enough to win a world series, ya douche. Now go out there and find a solid masking agent. You may be a phony, but I can't even begin to explain how little I care. Some of us are not-so-patiently awaiting Championship #27.

Warmest Regards,

Angry White Yankee Fan

Dear Everyone,

I apologize for cheating in a sport where stats are considered more sacred than Jesus. I should have been a football player and killed someone with my car or illegally carried a loaded weapon in my sweatpants waistband.

The Puckbunny Quandry

diehards yo

So I was watching hockey on TV at a local watering hole recently and the camera kept panning to the crowd and showing the various rink visitors. Sure enough, a guy next to me in his 40s starts to bitch:

"Too many of these god-darn puckbunnies at these games now days," he crowed.

His friend echoed his sentiments and went off how the "diehards" aren't going to the games anymore because of this. Really?

Anytime the word puckbunny is uttered my ears perk up and this was the case. Having been in only one drink mode, I just gave a quick glance over before I continued to mind my panini.

But I thought about this. You do notice in games now days that the majority of fans present are either younger than 25 or older than 45.

While I'm okay with this for the most part, you do get an awful lot of the Yinzer brigade crying how it's not like the "good ol days."

For instance, every Pens game I go to back home was littered with the TRL/Mall troupe that seemed to have finished their math homework. I rationalized this by pointing to the majority of the young Penguin players and how their seems to be connection more so with that. Similar stories are around the place in Chicago and Buffalo but really are puck bunnies a bad thing?

Sure we'd all like to be able to go to the games of our favorite teams but the reality is some of us are broke, lazy, work too much, etc. and can't. Why on earth should the "puck bunnies" get hated on for having means to a ticket? Sure I groan too when I see someone next to me on their cell phone during the games but it's their right. They or (their parents/boyfriend/girlfriend) can spend their money how they seem fit. Who cares if they don't know the game and need some explanations.

The future Mrs. Mike Comrie, Puck Bunny.

70% of people at the games have little to no idea what's going on anyway. How many times at hockey games do you hear the assholes say SHOOOOOOT. Or when some genius tries to explain a cover 2 defense or the infield fly rule yet confuses people more? The fact remains you could do worse than having a puck bunny next to you. Especially if you have no reason to talk to them. Sure there are exceptions to these rules but in general I'm okay with them.

Ok fine she shouldn't be allowed to come to games anymore.

Atleast the puckbunnies bring their colorful, glittery signs and some emotion to the game as opposed to Joe E. Douchebag with his pea coat and blackberry. If anyone shouldn't be allowed are those corporate types that are only there for the "clients." I take far more offense to the people on their cell phones all game who have no rooting interest.

douche.

Atlantic Division and NHL Update

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted on hockey, mostly due to the Steelers winning their sixth Super Bowl title, or twice as many as the Patriots (six more if you take away the ones they cheated to get). But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been paying attention to what has been happening in the hockey world. And since the fans of this blog all center around the Atlantic Division teams, that will be the focus, but you’re still going to get some NHL updates.


Atlantic Division

New Jersey Devils
If you haven’t learned by now not to count this team out shame on you. In a way they're like the Patriots of the NHL: it’s the system that makes them successful. Only the Devils don't cheat at all (John Madden never getting called for all his obstructions aside). It doesn’t seem to matter who is playing there, who’s running the bench or what injuries they have, it’s always the same, and it’s because of the system. And as long as Lou Lamoriello is there it’s not going to change. Hell, even Brodeur’s been out most of the season and they're sitting on top of the Atlantic (cue Brodeur haters who claim he is only good because of the system). This team better hope Lou never kicks the bucket (I have no doubt he’ll be GM until he keels over) because chances are they could fall apart after they hire a guy not so obsessed with a single system.


New York Islanders
The Isles, like most people predicted, are near the bottom of the standings. Ok, they are at the bottom. With a commanding lead, five points behind the Thrashers and nine points behind the Lightning. In my preview I guessed Atlanta to finish behind them because the Isles had a better goalie in DiPietro. Rick though suffered another season ending knee injury (that 15 year deal isn’t looking to good now is it?), and the Isles don't even have him to steal games. There is no hope for them this year accept getting the first pick which is the highly touted Jonathan Tavares. Of course, I think we all know they won’t get that right and someone will leap frog them for the first pick. Hell, even the guys they can deal at the deadline like Doug Weight are getting injured and won’t be worth anything at the deadline. Just no luck from this team, and the fans are starting to give up, getting under ten thousand in attendance for more than a few games.


New York Rangers
I think Tom Petty’s song “Free Fallin’” is appropriate because that’s exactly what this team is doing. Amid fans calls for Renney to be fired and the top players not producing the Rangers have been looking lost in recent weeks. Defensemen Wade Redden and Michal Roszival, making a combined $11.5mm a year are proving why no other team would think of giving them such big contracts, and also proving (should anyone have doubted) Glenn Sather is a moron. The Rangers don't have a true anchor for the team, and let’s face it, Lunqvist can’t really run things from the net. Drury is a good player and clutch in the playoffs, but he’s not the glue of a team. Nor is Scott Gomez the guy who will take them over the hump. So bad are things seeming there is rampant speculation they are looking to bring Sean Avery back, but waiting until he is put on re-entry waivers so they only have to take on half his salary. Well, don't hold your breath because I think Dallas would rather let him rot in the minors than let another team have him for half price.


Philadelphia Flyers
The Flyers have been having a good season, and most has come without Daniel Briere who has been injured much of the time. They are having cap problems, so they will most likely have to let a few guys go, or deal them like they did RJ Umberger to free up space, meaning they’ll want to win now. Goaltending has been shaky this year, ranging from “Biron is god” to “shoot that %@#*ing asshole” on the Philadelphia scale. Look for them to make another run into the playoffs and try and get some extra pieces at the deadline with what little room they have left.


Pittsburgh Penguins
Flightless birds indeed. After a good opening month the Pens have looked like crap, sitting 10th in the east and out of the playoffs. Most nights they look like they just don't care, which is more infuriating to fans than anything (and why I mentioned in a past post they were pissing me off so much). There is a lot wrong with this team right now. No one is really playing well, the wingers are horrid, giving Crosby and Malkin no help, he defense is underperforming and Marc-Andre Fleury can’t decide if he wants awesome or a douche, going from all star performance one night to Dan Cloutier the next. They finally did the right thing and fired head coach Michel Therrien (which Mahatma celebrating by going out and getting sloshed),but it’s too little too late. Barring a major turn around they will go from within two games of winning the cup to missing the playoffs. Even if they get to the post season, they're probably going to be the one legged man in an ass kicking contest.



The NHL

Paul Kariya has surgery on both hips
Apparently Karyia’s hips are bad enough that both needed to be repaired. One apparently wasn’t that bad, but he figured if he’s out the rest of the year might as well get both done. Once an elite player recent years have seen him getting more injuries, and age isn’t on his side anymore. He won’t call it quits, but don't expect him to be at the elite level anymore.


Atlanta deals Mathieu Schneider to Montreal
Getting a jump on the trade deadline, Montreal acquired Schneider for a 2nd and 3rd round pick today. Schneider has had a bad season, but that’s pretty common in Atlanta. At 39 his best days are behind him and it was obvious he was trade bait. The Habs are hoping he gives them some punch on their failing powerplay, but if his play this year and last is any indication, his leadership will be more a factor than his on ice play.


Brian Burke is already trying to tear up the Maple Leafs
Burke isn’t one to cherry coat his opinion, and his bluntness often earns him a chastising from fans (who for some reason also complain there isn’t enough personality in the NHL, go figure…). He’s publicly stated soon to be UFA Nik Antropov hasn’t warranted a new contract offer, and has gotten defenseman Tomas Kaberle to give him a list of teams he is willing to waive his no trade clause for. The Leafs roster was blown up last year under interim GM Cliff Fletcher, and will be again under Burke. Look for a lot of trades from this team going into the deadline and during the offseason.


Fired Ottawa coach blames GM for team troubles.
John Paddock was fired 48 games into his coaching tenure (better than Melrose’s ten mind you) as the Senators were once again choking. They sit at the fourth worst spot in both the East and the league, and things aren’t looking up. Despite four coaches in three years, the team continues to struggle with nearly the same roster that got it to the finals two years ago, leading Paddock to come out and say the only constant has been GM Brian Murray. And he’s right. Murray has been using coaches as the scapegoat, and trying to keep his roster intact as much as possible, but it’s become obvious neither is working. He is the guy pulling the strings and the team continues to fail. Owner Eugene Melnyk needs to wizen up and can him.


Claude “The Lesser” Lemieux is back, and he’s been invisible
And that’s a good thing, because it means he’s not doing his best Tie Domi impersonation and purposefully hurting people with flying elbows, sucker punches and hits from behind.


Dallas has gone from worst in the league to 6th in the West
They started off as the worst in the league, then after dumping Sean Avery seemed to get themselves back into sorts. Granted he wasn’t the whole problem, but they sure as hell did their best to blame him. Since the New Year they have played some good hockey and clawed their way back to the top. They may not be strong enough to go very far, but they're not embarrassing themselves like they were earlier in the year.

Fat Baseball player told by videogame to lose weight

Well now I've heard everything.

According to the Padres reliever, he was able to lose 25 pounds, simply while using the Wii Fit with his children. Heath Bell started the winter at a beefy 270 pounds, but reported to the Padres' Arizona camp at 245 and is among the favorites to take over Trevor Hoffman's old closer job. All because he was initially discouraged by how pudgy his Mii avatar looked.

From the Associated Press:

"It said I was obese," Bell said. "If you're obese, it makes (your character on screen) obese. I was disappointed that I was that big. I literally took the game to heart. I did the work, but I kind of credit the Wii Fit."

Ain't technology great these days? All you need is a Wii fit to be told you are a fat piece of shit. Here I was thinking it was those evil high school kids or your parents but now ladies and germs, you too can be called obese by simply investing $90 in a Wii Fit!

I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. I thought videogames were for the sexless, lazy, obese pieces of shit to forget about their misfortunes but now they have no such escape. Not the school yard, not the computer, not the office, NOTHING. In a scene right out of the definition for bitter irony: videogames are now the bullies.

I guess this is growing up.

So apparently...

+
=the current style?

I was out in Williamsburg with BH over Valentines Day looking for sweet, sweet, hipster love and sweet-Emperor-Commodus, the local trends seem amazingly out of whack. There I was, waaayyy over-dressed in my cheap polo shirt and Devils hat, and it seemed that the "in" thing to wear these days was a grunge-era flannel and a Joaquin Phoenix-esque beard.

I don't get it. Apparently irony has now reached 1991? Woo-hoo! Only 7 years until my Limp Bizkit CD's can be enjoyed again! But on the other hand, to paraphrase BH, apparently middle school BH would have been the coolest person here.

My question to you, SUS Nation: is this the world we want to live in?

ps-You want culture shock? Try going from Williamsburg to Murray Hill in the course of a half hour. I went from overdressed to underdressed faster than you can say "$7 beer night"

Anyone else want to try and bring down the Devils?

Go ahead, try and outmuscle them like league leading Boston tried to do on Friday in the Devils' 1-0 triumph.

Wanna try and outscore the Devils? The best of the West, San Jose tried to do that and only had a 6-5 loss to show for it.

Anybody else?

Hey Puddy, who are we?

The Giants Offseason Preview: A Choice of 3

So now that the stench is starting to lift off the date-rape of an ending to the '08 Giants season, it's about time to discuss how best to fix what went wrong....

...and the answer is simple: BRING IN PLAX OR A PLAX-LIKE #1 RECEIVER.

Everything else will resolve itself: the Giants will sign Jacobs, while letting Derrick Ward and probably Amani Toomer go. Look, Toomer was a great Giant, but was absolutely invisible the last few games of the season while playing for a contract. Amani, it's been a good run, but we'll see you 10 years from now at Big Blue alumni autograph sessions. Thanks for the memories and if you're going to within the NFC East, please suck.

So if you want a big target that Eli can't overthrow, there are basically three options for Jerry "God" Reese: trade for Anquan Boldin, draft a wide receiver (I hear there's a local Bayonne, NJ product who is not small), or keep Plaxico. Let's get to the pros and cons of each choice in no particular order:

1. Trade for Anquan Boldin

Pro:
-He's good. Really good. Except for Plaxico, he would be the best receiver of my lifetime, Stephen Baker the Touchdown Maker excluded. 4 of his first six seasons have seen him collect 1,000 yards.
-Age? 28. Still plenty young.
-Any player who is looking for a change of scenery is going to be real motivated to prove themselves in their new surroundings. Anquan should be no different.
-Boldin wants money. You know the best way to make money? Play for a New York team and pimp yourself out for any and every product under the sun.
-The guy had to have surgery to put his face back together after nearly dying and was back on the field two weeks later. So yeah, I'd say he's durable.

Con:
-He's not THAT big. 6'1 217 is not Stephen Baker Touchdown Maker small, but it's not exactly Plaxico huge.
-Cost. Roy Williams, a comparable if not very similar receiver, cost the Cowgirls a 1st, 3rd, and 6th round pick this year, and a 7th rounder next year. If you can draft like Reese has shown, wouldn't you rather take 4 rookies over Anquan when you assume that at least 2.5 of the picks will make significant contributions to the '09 Giants? But hey, good for the Cowboys, they clearly showed they have the pieces in place and don't need any sort of team makeover.
-I mean, the man got to a Super Bowl and still was not happy. Who the hell hates his team when said team gets to the Super Bowl? This guy, that's who. Do the Giants really need to go through that again?

2. Draft a certain wide receiver from Rutgers, one Kenneth Q. Britt.

Pro:
-A local guy from Bayonne, N.J. and THE State University of New Jersey, he will quickly become a fan favorite. Fans will definitely be chanting for him when the Giants pick at 45, if not also when they make their first pick at #30.
-6'4, 214 lbs, and 4.48 40 yard dash. "Physical gifts he has," said Yoda, when asked to give his opinion on Britt.
-Clearly the youngest of the options.
-If nothing else has convinced you, Peter Griffin has two strong words for you:


Cons:
-For a can't miss guy that your benevolent leader would have you believe Britt to be, Britt is generally regarded as roughly the 5th best wide receiver in the draft. The Giants may want to take a crack at one of the other four.
-The Giants need a big wide receiver who can contribute now. This team isn't one or two years away, but is built to win right now. There's a good chance that Britt could BECOME the big receiver the Giants need. There's much less of a chance that Britt will be that big receiver next year.
-Quite frankly, the Giants may not be able to draft him. Britt has been hyped up more and more recently. Right now he's slated to go mid-2nd round, but a solid combine showing could boost him into the first round, and he could be taken before the Giants' first pick at 30. Sure, the Giants could draft another of the solid wide receivers coming out this year, but if the Giants draft a receiver and he's not a Rutgers or NJ product, does he make a sound? Leaning towards no.

3. Keep Plax

Pros:
-Familiarity with the offense. I would hope.
-Apparently all the players want him back.
-Plax creates matchup problems that can't necessarily be duplicated by more than a few receivers in this league. And Terrell Owens ain't walking through that door.
-Plax didn't electrocute your pet. Plax didn't shoot his gun at anyone else. Plax didn't even aim it anyone else. In theory, Plax could have harmed another person. In actuality no innocent parties were harmed.
-The Giants put Plax on the PUP list. They have not actually parted ways with him yet and in theory, he is probably listed on their depth chart as their #1 wide receiver opposite Domenik Hixon right now.

Cons: (just a few minor ones)
-Um, he may be in jail.
-Even if not in jail, he may be suspended by the league. Though I have no idea what test Goddell uses to suspend players. If you are a suspect in 15 crimes including one murder, you get suspended for a year. But if you commit a DUI or shoot yourself in the leg, Goodell seems to prefer to let the courts work it out. Frankly, I'm confused. But you have to think that Plax is going to be disciplined by the league at some point for not having a more reliable sweatpants waistband.
-He allegedly wants out of New York. If this is true, Plax's new name quickly becomes The Ungrateful One. The team has stood by Plax as much as anyone could throughout this ordeal, and for him or his agent to demand a trade and put the Giants in a corner is completely selfish, unfair, and the height of douchebaggery...but if not true, then come on back Plax, all is forgiven.

Conclusion:
I'm not gonna pretend that I'm not obscenely biased as a RU fan. I want Britt. Like enough to watch the entire NFL draft until he gets picked. That said, my preference here is to get the band back together like it's '07 and bring Plax back. But assuming that he either goes to prison or demands a trade (both more likely than Plax returning) Britt makes the most sense. The simple fact is that it's going to cost too much to get Boldin. And when a player of that caliber is on the market, there's going to be a bunch of teams vying for his services, the Ravens and Jets to name a few. So screw it, take the SUNJ product, and let's hope that he has more Ray Rice than Marco Battaglia in him.

What Really Grinds my gears: The Love-Hate edition

1) I love White Girl but I hate valentine's day- Yea, I said it. I just can't stand how much pressure there is on Valentine's day. Everyone asks you what you are doing for it. People, mainly other women in your life (Mrs. White boy Senior) don't think whatever you are doing for her is enough. You are afraid to get the wrong card, the wrong gift and to mess up your first ever attempt at cooking (Okay, so that just applies to my lazy ass). I am actually quite the romantic but I like being one in subtle ways and at unexpected times. Having a day where everyone expects you to do something special for your girl is a lot of pressure. Oy.

2) I love the Knicks but I hate this team- This is, without a doubt, the most frustrating Knicks team I have ever rooted for. Don't get me wrong, it is clearly not the worst Knicks team I have ever rooted for (See Thomas, Isiaih) but at least that team won games that were close and just got blown out the other 59 games. This team could have won about 10 more games if it just closed out half of the games it had leads in during the final 120 seconds of the contest. Al Harrington, Jamal Crawford you are not. Jamal had the penchant for hitting the buzzer beater and an ability to calmly knock down what I would call "putaway" shots; that is, shots that take the lead from 2-4 or 4-7 to put other teams away. Harrington has scored a lot for the Knicks but has not once hit a significant shot in the final two minutes of a close game to either win it or put the game away. His hanging on the rim technical foul up 3 with 20 seconds to go in the red and blue Staples center was one of the more inexcusable basketball acts I have seen a Knick make and that is saying something. Now, on a 6 game losing streak heading into the all star festivities, I can only look to April 6th when the Yanks open up in Baltimore.

3) I hated A-rod but now I love A-rod, sort of- I hate sports fans. I just hate you all. How can people be so devastated by the A-rod thing. Haven't these callers ever seen their beloved dog or pet pass away slowly? Haven't they ever been fired from a job? Haven't they ever had a loved one get sick or pass away? What I am trying to say is, how can you possibly be this devastated by the A-rod thing. Sports are not sacrasanct!!! They never were. Don't you think the all white MLB players of the 30's and 40's would have gladly taken Steroids and HGH if they were around back then?? Also, if Steroids were legal, would you have any problems with them? Just because something is against the law or the rules does not make it morally wrong. If this were the case, Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Muhammed Ali would all be considered evil men instead of the heroes they are revered as today. Don't get me wrong, unlike these great men, A-rod is a huuuuuuuuuuuuge prick. Hyuuuuuuuuge. But that is because he slept around on his poor pregnant wife, not because he put something into his body that would make you enjoy watching him more. Come back to me people. Please!!!!!!!!

4) I love great, in-game, dunks but I hate the modern version of the Dunk Contest- The dunk contest has long outlived its usefulness. I will watch it tonight with Whitegirl but I'm sure it will suck. I like Natey but Evan Roberts is right, his novelty has worn off. There really aren't any dunks left that are that exciting to watch. The misses on the first attempt or 15 (see Robinson, Nate 2006) completely ruins the excitement of the dunk when it finally is completed successfully. Also, when we were watching Kobe and Vince and Jordan it was riveting. I don't need to see Josh Smith and a bunch of mediocre NBA players dunking. I would however, loveeeee to see a 1 on 1 competition. How much fun would it have been to watch Kobe vs. Shaq a few years ago before Shaq got horribly old and slow? How much fun now would it be to watch Kobe take on Lebron? I do, however, love the three point shootout because watching great shooting is riveting to me.

5) I love Barack Obama but I hate the embarassment that is the Cabinent mess- Yo, B, what the fuck man? I trusted you to properly vet your cabinet members so that there would be no messy "oops, sorry guys, didn't know he/she had this skeleton in the closet." Well we are now on our third secretary of commerce and your original pick for Secretary of Health and Human Services apparently didn't pay all of his taxes or some shit. I thought you were going to be the most overly prepared and careful president we were going to have in my lifetime. So far, you have actually had more foul ups along these lines early on than most of your predecessors. I expect better from you B.

Best. Book Idea. Ever.

According to the Harvard of, well, nothing, the New York Post, Darryl Strawberry is coming out with a tell-all book about the 80's Mets that is going to make The Yankee Years look as controversial as The Sound of Music.

Anyone remember drugs that don't enhance performances? Things like speed and cocaine? You know, the drugs that can actually kill you BEFORE you turn 50? Well, this book has plenty on that.

Beer "was the foundation of our alcoholic lifestyle," he writes. "We hauled around more Bud than the Clydesdales. The beer was just to get the party started and maybe take the edge off the speed and coke." The team's mantra on the road, he writes, was to "tear up your best bars and nightclubs and take your finest women . . . The only hard part for us was choosing which hottie to take back to your hotel room. Lots of times you . . . picked two or three."

Oh, good, there's some sex stories involved too. But Straw, you didn't actually bang groupies, during games...or did you?

(I) once watched a pitcher march a frisky fan to a private room for oral sex: "I was jealous. When I saw her heading back to her seat, I gave her a sign. She smiled, turned right back around, and met me in that same little room . . . I had to be quick and run back out on the field."

Another time, "I was in the clubhouse, having one last quickie with this cute little Florida girl. Charlie Samuels, the equipment manager, came in and caught us. He just stood there shaking his head while I finished up."

Wow. Look, steroids denegrate the sanctity of the game, and blah, blah blah, but let me ask you something, SUS nation, what makes for a better story: hearing about how players gave themselves horse tranquilizers to increase their muscles and decrease their testicles? Or hearing about how players did speed, blow, and every able-bodied female around Queens in the mid 80's? Yeah, I'll opt for B. So you people can have your David Epstein and Selena Roberts and Tom Verducci. I'll take my '86 Mets tell-all, thank you very much.

But why were the women so attracted to the players? Was it the fame? Was it the money? Nah, it was clearly their singing chops:



Fast forward to 2:35 to see the beginning of the song. And a Francessa-sized thank you to whoever created this video and posted it on youtube.

An Open letter to Brett Favre

Dear Mr. Favre,

Thank you for announcing your retirement today. Thanks to you, sports talk radio was forced to spend a solid 5 minutes not talking about A-Rod and how his steroid abuse has disillusioned more people than Adolf Hitler.

Sincerely,

The Unemployed Sports Fan Masses

ps-you really sucked as a Jet, douche.

Avery to resume 'sloppy seconds' with Rangers

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

There comes a time when all team's must either nut up or shut up. Time to make that run for the playoffs or make that run to the draft choice.

As the teams flounder, mess up and flail at every opportunity, a guiding light appears from the skies. This angel. This savior. This messiah. The legend. Each with the opportunity to get him.

SEAN AVERY

Except the only problem with that is Avery is now back with the evil Rangers. Let's look at some pros and cons at the return of one of SUS's favorites.

Pros:

The same asshole we bashed with reckless abandon is now back to where we grew to love him. Back rocking his red, white and blue puke jersey, Avery will soon be seen skating down Broadway. I gotta say just when I needed a jolt to jump start my hating again, Avery and the Rangers come through as only they can. I'll admit I was getting a little soft with the whole Steelers winning so any opportunity to return to my bitter past help.

As I've long stated, hockey needs more villains and having Avery back is a breathe of fresh air. Sure, after a couple of stories, I'll become annoyed with him again but for now it's good for Avery to be back. Something about him being in Dallas never quite worked out for anyone involved. Sure controversy followed but it just wasn't the same. Avery is a New York guy. He's not a Dallas guy. He can't intern at Vogue there. He can swap fashion tips with Jerry Jones.


Cons:

1) It makes the Rangers stronger. Yes your New York Rangers are busy speed dialing the Dallas Stars in an attempt to get back their Vogue-interning hero back. Why? Avery was for the most part a good citizen on the Rangers and a damn good player. While much has been made of Avery's butchering of the Good ol' Dallas Stars chemistry, he did quite the opposite for the Rangers. Now that Avery has left, the Rags are once again in a state of flux despite having one of the more talented teams in the Eastern conference. The Rangers currently are also in a worse state of flux. Changing of "strategy" has yielded the same results. Unending line changes haven't found the right mix. The players have tuned out the coach. Morale is low. Some say acquiring Avery would destroy the chemistry as he did with the Stars. What if there is no chemistry to destroy? By grabbing him again, the Rangers are giving their own floundering team the boost of energy they need.

2) The team toughness Rangers had last year is now filled with guys that are soft as a new pillow (Zherdev, Naslund, Redden) while the toughness last year (Shanahan, Avery) were sent packing. Reacquiring Avery will give the top 6 some added toughness. Avery fights in the corners and does well in front of the net. These sort of guys are vital to long playoff runs.

3) Scoring depth -- People call Avery a glorified 3rd liner with attitude but he is actually a fairly skilled hockey player. Armed with above average wheels, a decent shot and some finishing ability. It's not like he's TO and pouts at the slightest bit of trouble. Avery does work hard. Not only that but he is the game's best agitator. He is a pest and gets the best players off their game.



4) No lose situation -- so you acquire Avery and you still suck and move one step closer to acquiring the "next-next-next-one" John Tavares.

Damn, this totally brings the Rangers back into the fore front on paper. Whether he can mesh with his new teammates is another story but all of us, Penguins, Flyers (Douches), Devils fans should be worried. If anything, he would provide some drama and entertainment, which today's lifeless Rangers need. I'm just pissed the Penguins didn't sign him. Ah well, at least I can use this photoshop again.

Lions already screwing up in 2009

This would be the same Roy Williams that was traded oh maybe 4 months ago, who is the featured athlete on the team's 2009 calendar. Well done, Lions promotional team, well done.