Ladies of the Super Bowl Party

The chicks that you’ll find at your super bowl party are much easier to divide up than the men. Without further ado, here we go:

The football fans

Now, common sense says that these are the best kind of women, right? Ordinarily, the answer would be yes; these are certainly the type of women that I try to seek out. Nothing like being able to talk football with a pair of tits. And yet, this isn’t always as good as it seems. The few times that I’ve dated a girl who was big into sports, I did my best to ensure that I wasn’t watching whatever was on the tv at the bar. But she didn’t do the same, and it got weird. When I’m talking to said girl, asking her about herself, her favorite Grey’s Anatomy episode, etc, I find that she’s not paying attention to me but to the exact game that I’m trying to be classy enough to avoid eye contact with. And on the surface, it’s fantastic that you can watch a game with this girl, it really is. But after a while you find yourself asking questions like “Wait, is she avoiding me, or does she really care about the Pro Bowl?” For what it’s worth, if you’re like 99% of men, and can conquer this insecurity, then there’s really nothing wrong with diehard female football fans.

The casual observers who know as much as football makes its way into pop culture

My favorites! They know enough about football that you don’t have to explain who the guy behind the center is, but they don’t know enough to know little things, like the fact that Eli is throwing short to set up the deep bomb in the 2^nd half. And you get to show off your football knowledge to an eager population of one. You not only look smart to her, but you are Parcells-like in your ability to teach the game of football to an attractive lady friend. By the end of the evening of teaching the game to her, you convince yourself that you should have been coaching a D I-AA team all this time.

The ones who know absolutely nothing about football

Also known during the Super Bowl as “women who play scrabble in the kitchen” or “women who go out and pick up the pizza for halftime.” They don’t know anything about football, and they’re quite alright with that. Be nice to them, because most likely they’ll inherit some money in April when they win a March Madness pool. The good women in this category know enough to catch a score, if only to tell what kind of mood their boyfriend/husband will be in. (My mom and dad have survived 35 years of marriage on this principle.) If these women ever cared to ask, you’d have to begin explaining football by telling them that the game is 11 on 11. All I ask out of women like this is to just let me watch my game and realize that we could just as easily go for a walk in the park on a Saturday as on a Sunday.