Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The "Needs to Go" Scale

As sports fans we are quite passionate about our teams. And with our passions comes frustration, anger, spastic episodes and disgust. We learn to dislike, hate and despise those affiliated with our teams because their continual incompetence grates on us. But how do we measure such levels of emotion? Well, I've come up with a measuring system to see just how much we learn to hate those, be they player, coach, GM or owner, who we feel hurt our favorite teams.

Level 1- Huh?
You're confused. Why did they do that? It didnt make any sense, yet they did it. You scratch your head, look bewildered and blow it off as just a brainfart everyone is prone too. Or at least you hope it is...
Example- basically everyone in pro sports

Level 2- WTF?
They did it again. For the third time. This game (or off season should it be a GM or owner). It didnt make sense the first time, failed worse the second, yet you try it again? You're hopes of it being a brainfart are quickly disappearing.
Example- Brian Cashman sending Joba Chamberlain back to the bullpen or signing Giambi and/or Pavano.

Level 3- Booooo! Hissssss!
You've now realized that person does indeed suck. You've given up any hope of them getting better, at least with your team. The site of them angers you and credit giving is out the window. Even if they make a nice play you just wont say anything rather than acknowledging it. Instead of cheering vehemently like normal you begrudgingly celebrate your team's momentary victory.
Example- Eli Manning during the Vikings/Giants game 2007 (Giants fan who deny this are liars)

Level 4- The Scapegoat
It doesnt matter if they're that bad, it is all their fault and you will go out of your way to prove it. To you they do nothing commendable, their play/management is a comedy of errors. You've got their face on a dart board and they are quickly becoming your mortal enemy. You'd rather play a man down than have them on the field (see Singletary, Mike below), or let a monkey run the front office because at least once in a while his shit will stick to the wall.
Example- Chad Pennington (This though should not be confused with with people who should be blamed like Brent Sutter and Michel Therrien, who should be blamed for the Devils and Penguins shitty play respectively, but get a free pass from idiotic sports writers)

Level 5- Ugh...
You're tired of talking about them. Every move they make is wrong. You're so disgusted with what they do all you can do anymore is groan because they have done enough to actually reduce you to your basic, evolutionary instinct of pre-language grunts and gestures. It's about this time you start wondering if this person is really more effective than the piece of crap you keep claiming he is. You're considering giving Tanya Harding a call about now.
Example- Charles Wang, Joe Torre looking at the bullpen phone

Level 6-GTFO
When you've just had enough. The mere mention of this person's name drives you into a fit of rage because of their incompetence. You're George Costanza screaming at your co-worker for unjustly stealing your nickname "T-Bone." Saying their name is like bile in your mouth; they're that bad beer your cheap ass friend keeps bringing to the tailgate because it's $2.00 cheaper a case. You want to show them the door, and promptly kick them in the ass on the way out so they can be gone quicker.
Example- Doug O'Brien, Herm Edwards, Stephon Marbury

Level 7- Euthanize
Said person has gotten to the point where everything they do is a liability. It's all been said to the point talking about it is useless, yet the unexplained phenomena remains of how they are still active on the team. But, as the compassionate human beings we are, we are going to do what is best for everyone: euthanize them. Much like a dying pet it's obvious they are never going to get better, they're constantly embarrassing themselves is painful for you and them. The best thing to do, for both of you, is put them down and just end their, and subsequently your, suffering.
Example- Bill Cowher, the entire Mets bullpen

Level 8- Take them out back and shoot him A.K.A "Old Yeller"
This is when the person in question cannot possible get worse. Just like Old Yeller they have been rabid, out of control and a detriment to everyone around them. Only in this case you dont feel bad about shooting them. They've screwed up to the point where nothing can be done by anyone, single or collective, to make up for their mistakes. Your (sports) life has been thrown into shambles and you're an emotional wreck from so many painful years of your favorite team being shit on by those who are there to help it. This isnt even a pity kill like the euthanize, this is an outright mafia "take them to the field, shoot them in the head and bury the body" thing. Because frankly, things are just that bad because of them, and they deserve it. You'd prefer jail over dealing with them one more time, only getting through the nights with a guy named Bubba at your side by knowing you are a hero to your fan base.
Example- Isiah Thomas, Matt Millen, Al Davis, Mike Milbury

Disclaimer- we at SUS don't condone killing or any attempt at bodily harm to said sports figures. This list is meant to be a joke. If you are offended by said jokes, stop being an uptight prick and live a little. Getting pissy about things like a sports satire article is probably the reason you're a miserable, antagonistic, constantly complaining SOB anyways.

P.S. - Flyers suck. Bunch of Giant Douches...

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