SUS NFL Season in Review, Part I

Wondering where the NHL All Star Game recap is? No you’re not, stop lying. Sorry kids, but the SUS NFL Awards section is about as close as you’re going to get to any sort of weekend recap. Although these awards are being shown with only the Super Bowl (AND PRO BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) left to play, we’re making our predictions as if they were made the day after Week 17 ended. On the plus side, you get to see how wrong we were with our midseason predictions, listed in parentheses.

Offensive MVP (AFC)

Point: (Jay Cutler) Yeah, I don’t think the Diabetic One gets this. There are really only two choices for this award, right? You could probably make a case for Phil Rivers or Chris Johnson, but it still comes down to Pennington or Manning. If it’s Pennington or Manning, the next question is this: are the Dolphins and the Ronnie/Ricky combo better than the Colts and their D? And how un-hetero of a name is “The Ronnie/Ricky combo”? Eh, forget those questions, I’m going Peyton because a) Miami had a cupcake schedule and b) Indy had a first place schedule and they still managed to win their last 9. More importantly, by losing in the first week of the playoffs, Peyton’s arm is nice and rested as his quest for his second Pro Bowl MVP award. You can do it Peyton!
Counterpoint: (Thomas Jones) Whoa. Thomas Jones? I WAS WAY OFF although no fault of Jones. At the time of this article, the Jets were on a tear but well Brett Favre had other ideas. Yep, it goes to Peyton by default at this stage but I think Colts fans wished for a little more during the playoffs. HA! Peyton still led his team to a 9 game winning to get into the playoffs. Cutler might have won it had it been for his teams horrendous choke in December.
Final Word: (Cutler) Peyton adds another trophy to a case that has one more Super Bowl MVP trophy than he deserves.

Offensive MVP (NFC)

Point: (Portis) The pride of Eastern Motors commercials hangs his head in shame after the Redskins limp to an 8-8 record. Great arguments can be made for Michael Turner and Larry Fitzgerald, but I’m going with Steve Smith. Yes, the Panthers have the best running game south of New Jersey, but Steve Smith still managed to have a great finish to his season. Teams knew what was coming and they were still powerless to stop him. And with the Panthers, it’s not like opposing defenses had to worry about a tight end or even a second wide receiver. Mushin Muhamad was solid about 7 years ago. Now? He’s as much of a #2 wide receiver as Amani Toomer.
Counterpoint: (Turner). I don’t even remember the regular season. Wasn’t that like 2 months ago? There was a point in time I would have argued for Eli but then Plaxico happened and Domenik Hixon did not. I’ll stick with Turner still because NFW the Falcons do anything without him allowing Roddy White and Matt Ryan to get some free shots down the field. With Smith, towards the end of the season, I’d say DeAngelo Williams became the focal point of that team.
Final Word: (Turner) Eh, ok, let’s go Turner, if only to make it look like our midseason prediction was accurate.

Defensive MVP (AFC)

Point: (Haynesworth) Nothing against the Cleating One, or the actual Defensive MVP, James Harrison, but I’m going Troy Polamalu. Why? Because if he’s playing deep against a post pattern, I still have complete faith in him to come in and somehow break up a screen pass. After facing Polamalu, quarterbacks have to go through some sort of NFL version of PTSD, right? They’ll be asleep and start dreaming about a throw they made during the game. And all around them, covering every receiver as well as chasing him out of the pocket, is Troy Polamalu. Oh, and props to Vernon Gholston, possibly the only Jet not responsible for their collapse.
Counterpoint: (Haynesworth) Haynesworth was playing at a high level all season but slowed down due to injury before eventually taking a rest during the last two weeks of the season. Because of that I’ll still say James Harrison and here’s why: 101 tackles, 16 sacks, 7 forced fumbles, 1 int and 3 passes defended. Single handly helped the Steelers beat the Chargers, Patriots, Ravens 1, and Dallas. Add to that he doesn’t rush nearly as much as DWare. Ed Reed would have won it if he played in September/October but winning the defense player of the year only happens when you play the whole season.
Final Word: (Haynesworth) Stats are well and good, but I’m going with Polamalu. What can I say, the man scares me.

Defensive MVP (NFC)

Point: (Tuck) I want to go for Tuck, who was nowhere near 100% during his final few games of the season, but this award has to go to Demarcus Ware, possibly the only Cowboy without issues in their locker room. He nearly set the sack record this year and destroyed the as-good-as-advertised Giants O-Line.
Counterpoint: Ok Ware it is. Seriously, nobody else deserved it.
Final Word: (Tuck) Ware. And props to him for showing society that there is no such thing as an issue-free Cowboy, as he now wants a contract extension.

We generally have a rule on this site about not disclosing our identities but...

when someone is smart enough to film White Boy right after the Giants/Eagles game, it's our duty to post it. Nice of BH to make a cameo at the 1:31 mark.



props to BH and barstool sports for finding this.

Sports Figures We Wouldn't Wish On Our Worst Enemies

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Click here to see the athletes/coaches that make Yinzer even more angry.

First I'd like to give a special mention to all associated with the Pittsburgh Pirates for not providing .500 baseball for 16 seasons and counting and the current Soff Euro trash Penguins (Sykora, Satan and Fedetenko) but these 5 are worse on my list.


5. Josef Beranek
Preferred Nickname: Blowsef, Shitenak, GET THIS FUCKER OFF THE ICE



There is worthless and than there is WORTHLESS. Such was the NHL career of Josef Beranek. Unlike the two fuckos below, Josef at least could keep up with the play. Blowsef entered the league in 1991 and was known for good wheels, crisp passer and “natural touch around the net” apparently the only touch he showed at this time was to Coaching staff so he could continue to waste icetime. After sucking for the Oilers, Flyers (douches) and Canucks, Josef returned home to Czech Republic with his tail between his legs and his manhood all but annihilated. But uh oh, THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS thought it would be a wise idea to bring ol Shitenak to the Igloo so Jaromir Jagr would have a poker buddy. He played 8 games and than left to go back to Czech BECAUSE HE WAS SO BLOODY TERRIBLE. Shitenak played for the Czech Olympic team and scored a goal in the goal medal game and parlayed that into another shot at the NHL and had his best season with the high flying Oilers again in 1999. But uh oh, he gets traded again to PITTSBURGH and stayed until 2001.

What was so bad about this guy? The man added nothing to the club. Josef was also SOFT and would fold up like a cheap tent when hit into the boards. He spent his days skating around the rink looking as if he was sight seeing rather than playing hockey. He was like me when I went to Blade Runners for free skates during high school except HE WAS A REAL NHL PLAYER. You aren’t FUCKING BRIAN BOITANO! Get out there and make a play. Blowsef added nothing in either offensely or defensely, powerplay or penalty killing but somehow continued to see significant ice time. The Pens also had other young players that probably could have benefited with that time but Josef was so vital to the team with his 16 goals in 91 GAMES often times playing with Jagr. For whatever reason, I don’t know why he bothered me so much when we add other poor performing players on the team. It might be his uncanny resemblance to Robert Deniro.



I’m watching you FOCKER and thankfully not watching Josef Berenak. Fucker.



4. Tim Lewis – Pittsburgh Steelers Defense Coordinator 2000 – 2003
Preferred Nickname: “Tiny” Tim



Lewis initially started off as our defense backs coach and was promoted once Jim Haslett left. You’d figure with some time behind Dom Capers, Dick Lebeau, Jim Haslett that you’d learn a thing or two about defense. Sadly, this was far from the case. In charge of a veteran defense with bourgeoning talent in Joey Porter, Aaron Smith, Casey Hampton, James Farrior as well as solid veteran base they played their worst under Tiny’s watch.

Pittsburgh was all about blitzing and Tim would blitz only on occasion while still maintaining the soft pass zone that Lebeau/Capers employed before that. The team defense rarely was in attack mode and was neither feared nor truly great despite defense stats and rankings. (For the record, this was a time when we were facing the likes of Anthony Wright, Jon Kitna/Jeff Blake, Tim Couch 8 times out of the season so no wonder we got such good rankings.) Tim would also use this guy (#3) despite there being much better talent on the bench. Tim was the sole reason the Steelers were considered a weak pass defense team with corners playing off and in zone form and without the blitzing that made the Steelers famous. Granted some of this was a talent issue also but unlike a good coordinator, Lewis did not mask his players weaknesses and doomed them. He was also a defensive backs coach and yet the defensive backs were all terrible. When Cowhard fired him, I think I threw a parade.

When the Giants signed this asshat in 2004, I was the first to scream you will rue the day you guys signed him. At first, hey this guy isn’t that bad only that tone to quickly change with every 3rd and 20 getting completed. Lewis is now the d-backs coach for the Carolina Panthers who were last seen failing to cover Larry Fitzgerald without Anquan Boldin. Bravo Tiny. Bravo.


3. FS Brent Alexander
Preferred Nickname: “Burnt” Alexander




Brent was one of Cowhard’s favorite players and thus one of the banes of my existence. Burnt was initially solid as a free safety. Cowhard said it was like “having a coach on the field” and maybe he was at first. ’01 was his finest year for the Steelers and he even beat out competition in ’02. Than like all “coaches on the field” he collapsed into a sea of shit. Partly because he became THE SLOWEST MAN ALIVE.

This combined with being the “last line of defense” means a lot of 3rd and long completions and big plays…AGAINST. Alexander was okay in run support as he was able to slowly creep to the line and make a tackle or two. The problem was in the pass game. Brent made a play on a passed football about as often as you see Jesus in a taco. Safeties also are known to hit. Alexander was no such man. Jarring hit? Fuhgetaboutit. Fumbles? ZIP. In 2002, He finished with a paltry 5 passes defensed, which is utterly piss poor for a starting FS in the NFL and especially one with the moniker of “coach on the field” and last line of defense. His work in the playoffs was no better as the immortal KELLY HOLCOMB and Steve McNair took turns laughing at his wretched range and combined for some 800 yards passing. 2003 was the worst year I’ve ever seen from a safety. Burnt was scorched, abused, and whipped in every game this season. On pass defense -- the primary job of a FS -- Burnt offered no more help than a cast-iron anchor tossed to a drowning man. His cement shoes, combined with unbelievably poor vision, "reading", and anticipation, made Burnt a rare culprit for breaking up an opponent's pass, and an even rarer -- delivering a bone-jarring hit to an enemy receiver. He finished with a paltry 6 passes defensed and 4 INTs. However, all of his INTs were not because of great plays by him but rather mere fair catches by opposing qbs. In his last season, Burnt also impeded the development of All Pros, Troy Polamalu and Chris Hope. For that very reason, I hate the guy and wished him off the team but apparently Cowhard felt having the coach out there was better. Behold, finally he got dumped in 2004 and the Steelers went 16-2.


2. Michel Ouellet
Preferred Nickname: It started out as Fucking Ouelette than mango salsa than Omlette and lastly Douchlette.

Yep. Just as Yinzer said Ouellet was the worst forward on skates I’ve seen since 1988. No player on the Penguins drew as much ire to me than him. His stats were okay to the naked eye but the dude got preferential treatment like nobody’s business thanks to head coach Michel Therrien.



Therrien is a fucking idiot and this alone proves it. It’s like when you played youth sports back in the day, and the coach was pushing his kid with excessive playing even though everyone knew he didn’t warrant. Ouellet did have decent hands but the problem with him is he PLAYS ICE HOCKEY where, you know, he has to move and keep moving. Ouellet couldn’t do that. He couldn’t stick handle. He couldn’t shoot accurately nor put any mustard on the puck. As a result, he was only effective near the front of the net where he could tap things in. The problem with that is that he isn’t physical enough to be the guy in front of the net. Don't get me wrong, I would enjoy watching Ouellet getting thrown and shoved around like an unwanted prostitute but he wasn't the right guy for that job. He even played on a line with Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal. How on earth did a guy get such a glorious opportunity? It was laughable trying to watch Ouellet trying to keep up with Malkin. It was more frustrating to watch him fuck up chance after chance. He got his points but really Ouellet was the argument for why secondary assists shouldn’t be counted as stats. The worst aspect of the Ouellet plague was the fans that stuck with him and you had to listen to constantly. HE’S IMPROVING, HE SCORES, HE’s PHYSICAL, they clamored from keyboards, bars and arenas. Indeed quite true. Ouellet added lightly tapping into defenders after they passed the puck as one of his new features. In fact the worthless SOB didn’t even check them hard and was lauded by the lemmings as “Great” and “improving”, “steal for the money,” and "solid defensively" among other vomit-inducing nomenclature.

You may think I’m being dramatic or exaggerated but I would not do that you dear SUS reader. Ouellet was an RFA in ‘07 and his contract was $500k, meaning his qualifying offer would be $550k, $100k above the LEAGUE MINUMUM of $450k. GM Ray Shero earned my good graces forever by not even allowing the Penguins to be riddled with mediocrity and responded by not giving a qualifying offer. If a team you scored 19 goals for doesn’t want to even retain the right to talk to you at $100k above the minimum that must say something. Omlette is currently pursuing a career in acting as the "mango salsa with the roast duck" caveman.



1. Willie Colon
Preferred Nickname: Willie “The” Colon, Colon, FAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT


I should put one current player up here and that right now to me is Willie Colon, RT of the AFC Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. From Hofstra, The Colon was a mid round pick and by all accounts a guard. Under the brilliance of Russ Grimm, however, Colon became our starting RT towards the end of the 2006 season. Just a slight issue with this. RT’s are supposed to be a team’s run blocker with massive wingspans, tallest, not the best feet but usually the ones with the nastiest intentions.

At 6-3” tall, he’s an extremely rare breed in the NFL, as there is at most 1 other starting OT in the league that short. Moreover, Colon is blessed with two short arms. He is a more or less a version of a T-Rex. Short, stubby arms and SLOW.



Willie Colon fails to stay pasted to the defender due to his weaknesses. His short arms and slow feet make him a liability run blocking and sealing the edge on outside runs. His poor technique and limited strength make him a liability in the interior run game where he fails to often get movement. As a token rule, you know they're doing their jobs when: If the QB is still standing at the end of a play, and the running backs find an inside path into enemy territory. This happens just about as often for Colon as Micheal Bay directing a good movie. Most NFL defenders can beat Colon to the edge with speed, back to the inside with quickness and technique, and up his chest with the bull rush. The T-rex’s arms can’t get the first punch in more often than not and the defenders either squash any run game or are usually chasing QB Ben Roethlisberger.

With genetics aside, Colon also fails to grasp the mental aspect of the game. Constantly failing to simply lineup consistently for the Colon is one major issue. Why every game this clown can’t stay still the ball is snapped I’ll never know. Oh wait no, I do know. It’s cause he’s terrible and trying to do anything to overpower an opponent. I wonder if his jumps/false starts are an attempt to overcome a deficiency like lack of foot movement. If he cant get a quick start he wont be able to sustain his block. He will also hold someone at least once a game too because of his poor fundamentals.

To make matters worse is the fact that the Colon doesn’t shut up. He is a soundbite machine to the media who probably thinks they are interview Steeler all pro, Casey Hampton, instead of the worthless Colon. Almost weekly, you can see the Colon front and center in articles.

"They weren't better than us; I'll say it to their face," offensive tackle Willie Colon said. This was after Willie got tooled on repeatedly by the likes of Tuck, Tollefson and Robbins.

"You got to ‘bleeping' protect Ben this week," Colon recalled a fan bellowing in a parking lot at Wal-Mart earlier this season. Colon put up his hands and replied: "Man, I'm just trying to buy a loaf of bread."

"People called us the worst offensive line in the NFL," says right tackle Willie Colon. "I've gotten mail calling me the worst right tackle in the league. I've had an old lady cuss me out on the street.

"We don't like them," Colon says. "It's the history, but it's also the arrogance and the disrespect they show us."

Even his act has tired the normal lemming like yinzers who normally buy the Steeler company policy hook line and sinker. If you are that obviously pathetic that old ladies on the street are cussing you out than you must be truly shit. Oh yea, his favorite team is the Giants. If you guys signed Tiny Tim and Burnt Alex than by all means Willie the Colon should be showing up in Giant Blue any minute now and let me tell you that your heart/liver will not be happy.

Ways to survive the weekend without football:

What does this photo have to do with this article? Nothing. But does it really matter?

As you stare at your TV, hoping that your jedi power allows football to appear while your digital cable menu says otherwise, you should know that there are other ways to pass your weekend. In fact, you better start looking for non-football alternatives because preseason NFL games are approximately 30 weeks away. Technically speaking, there are 54,305 things to do this weekend. Here’s a quick list of a few options divided into two parts:

Part 1. Recreation (Because it’s MY weekend Goddammit!)

1. Watch some college basketball. If you’re like me, you don’t start watching college basketball until March, when you put some money on your March Madness pool. If you’re like me, you also lose every year. Take this weekend to get a head start on the competition. Since every non-local Big East team is somehow ranked in the top 25, you can spend your Saturday watching #3 UConn visit #19 Notre Dame, 7pm, Saturday night while spending your Sunday afternoon watching Rick Pitino’s #12 Louisville trek to Syracuse to play the #8 Orange(men).

2. Watch some college hockey. (Devo, what the hell? College hockey? You mean the NHL?) No, douchebag. COLLEGE hockey, a non-existent pastime outside of New England and the Midwest. As a BU alumnus (the Penn State of hockey for many reasons) I can guarantee you two things: 1)College hockey is at least as enjoyable as the NHL. 2) BU will generally suck. But this year, BU is bucking the odds, rising to the #2 in the nation. Can they keep up their mojo against MissMet’s #11 UNH Catamounts? Probably not. Will you be able to find a television that contains college hockey? Even less likely. But it’s cheaper than that hooker you’re leaning towards investing in.

3. Check up on some mock drafts. Get ready for the most overhyped sporting event of the year: The NFL Draft, taking place over the course of two interminable days on the last weekend of April. But this year is different, because if you’re like me, you’re living for the middle rounds, where the Giants, courtesy of WalterFootball.com and other incredibly well thought out mock drafts are expected to take the pride of Bayonne, N.J. Kenny Britt with the 45^th pick of the draft. And once he is taken the Mike Teel watch begins, as Teel is likely to be drafted sometime mid-second day.

4. NHL All Star Game. Ever wonder what a presidential election would look like if it were hacked? Well, come Sunday evening, 6pm, you’ll be able to find out. Hoping to find your favorite NHL star? Well be sure to call your cable company, ask them if you get VS. and enjoy! And the best part about watching the All Star game? Knowing that you won’t miss anything until the everybody-gets-in-but-the-Islanders tournament known as the NHL playoffs start in mid April.

5. Catch up on The Wire. Look, most of this article is copied from an article I wrote last year. I wanted you to catch up on The Wire last year because the 5^th and final season was under way a year ago. Truth is, since most of you haven’t caught up with Wire, it’s probably still a good time to start watching the greatest drama that no one cares about. So hit up Blockbuster or Netflix and spend Saturday with Season 1 and Sunday with season 2.

6. Watch an NBA game. Why? Because if you stare at Lebron like he's a magic eye design, you can picture his Cleveland jersey turning into the blue and orange of the Knicks. And if you can already visualize Lebron in Knicks colors, it’s going be a titanic kick in the nuts to Knicks fans when he decides to stay in Cleveland.

7. Australian Open. Sure it takes place at a crazy time due to the 15 hour time difference, but you know that hot girl-on-girl porn you were going to watch tonite? Sharapova and the other chick playing for the Australian Open Championship are hotter than both of those ladies of the night. Wait, Sharapova isn’t playing in the Australian Open? Hrmm, well you’re still pretty likely to watch two hotties grunting it out down under. Especially now that a Williams sister has been eliminated.

Part 2 Improve your Life

8. Take a walk, you obese piece of shit. America is a fat country. And spending your weekends in your carefully sculpted sofa assgroove aint getting us any skinnier.

9. Watch tv or read a newspaper, you stupid, ignorant piece of shit. Americans are not only fat, we’re stupid and have no idea what’s going on in the world. And just because change is on the way doesn’t mean that you’ve become intelligent.

10. Get a girlfriend, you fat, stupid piece of shit. To continue the trend, let’s just say that your knowledge of how Eli sucks in windy conditions doesn’t exactly help you get laid. Trust me. Take this time to go about town, and use your wit to pick up some lady friends. And if that fails, call a hooker.

11. Get me a job. Soon. Please.

54,305. Watch the hype factory known as ESPN. Seriously, this is the last thing you should be doing.

Happy Birthday!

TO US!

Yep your 10th favorite blog has turned the big 1. We would throw a party but none of us drink. Sorry.

Catching up with the Devils at the All Star Break

Normally at the halfway mark, I'd rock a good/bad/ugly column about the Devils. But I've spent some unemployed days thinking long and hard about it, and I still can't find much, if anything, to put into the bad/ugly part of that column. So without further ado, let's see some reasons why it's good to be a Devil fan.

First the team stats:
-3rd in the East, 1st in the Atlantic with 61 points. If the season ends today, they play the Flyers in the first round.
-9th in goals scored, 4th in goals against.
-14th in pp and pk.

Next some impressive individual stats
-Zach Parise 28 goals (t-3rd) 27 assists, 55 points (t-7th)
-Patrik Elias 20 goals, 34 assists (t-10th), 54 points (9th)
-And just so we're clear, that's two Devils in the top 10 in scoring, neither of whom are on the same line.
-Career #2/#3 goalie, Scott Clemmensen: 18-9-1, 2.30 GAA, .922 sv%
-Career highs in goals for: Travis Zajac (15) and David Clarkson (10)
-And for the record, we've still got nearly a half a season still to play.

Some other reasons to be happy:

-Remember the good ol' days of Madden and Pandolfo shadowing the opponent's top line? No more apparently. Even before Shanahan was brought to this team (more on that below) Pandolfo was placed on the fourth line with Holik and Rupp while Madden was moved to a quasi-checking line along with Rolston and Clarkson. The Rolston/Madden/Clarkson line may not give the Devils their best checking line in team history, but they certainly give the team the highest offensive pop out of any third line in team history. Even killing penalties, Madden is with Elias on the Devils' top pk line. And so far this move is working as the Devils came back from a 5 game road trip giving up only one PP goal in the final period in a win vs. Nashville.

-And speaking of Elias, welcome back Patrik! No player was hurt more by the lockout than Elias, who spent his free season Russia near death from a bout of Hepatitis A. Elias returned in January, '06 but he hasn't been nearly the same player that he was before the lockout. He would go on a scoring streak for a few weeks, but would then disappear for weeks at a time. But this year, for whatever reason, it seems as though he's ready for a consistently very good year. And for the record, he's not on the same line as Parise, so he's finding his own path to gold.

-And speaking of Parise, I'm not asking for a Hart Trophy for the man. The Hart should be monopolized by Penguins and Capitals for the next 10-15 years. But can Parise please get nominated if he keeps this up? Homeboy is on pace to get 45-50 goals and with all due respect to Captain Langenbrunner, has become the on ice leader of the team.

-And speaking of Parise and the Hart Trophy, reason #45,584 why the NHL could be a fantastic league with improved PR: what other league refers to their trophies almost solely by the names of past greats? I'm looking your way, Hart Trophy, Stanley Cup, Lady Byng, etc...

-And uh, Scott Clemmensen's been very good too. Two things we have learned from this: 1) Sutter will ride every goalie he has as hard as he rode Brodeur last year. Clemmensen is playing about as many games this year and 2) either Clemmensen is a very good goalie or the Devils defense is better than anyone thought...

-...and I'm going with the latter. Clemmensen is probably pretty good, but this defense is starting to make a claim in their own right. The defense doesn't have a whole lot of experience, but most of the guys have made significant strides this year. It's a given that Martin and White would probably make a #1 defensive pairing on most teams. Likewise, Mottau and Oduya have made significant strides and are more than capable defensemen. I always had higher expectations for Greene, but as a 3rd defensive pairing, the Devils could be way worse.

-Another great thing for contending teams to have: two enforcers by the name of Mike Rupp and David Clarkson. As for Rupp, I'll concede that other than reminding fans of the 2003 Cup, in which he scored the Cup clinching goal, Rupp doesn't do much more than fight. But Clarkson is turning himself into a heckuva player, modeling himself as a poor man's Dave Andreychuk. Clarkson could just be a checking line enforcer who's not afraid to throw down the gloves, but he has become a big guy to stand in front of the net and collect garbage goals. And yeah, a 20 goal season at the age of 24 isn't too shabby either.

-But what makes this team click is the fact that they have two stellar scoring lines, something not always seen during the Lamoriello era. I'm not ready to compare either of the top two lines to the Elias/Arnott/Sykora line of '00, but both of these lines are good enough to succeed on any playoff contender. With the Langenbrunner/Zajac/Parise line, the Devils showcase two of their building blocks for the future along with their captain, while the second line of Elias/Zubrus/Gionta contains two bonafide goal scorers who are playing as well as they have in three years. In fact, all you need to know about the effectiveness of the top two lines is that they're so good that...

-there's no room for free agent sniper Brian Rolston on either of the scoring lines. No way that someone with Rolston's shot should be on anything but the top two lines, but the truth is that it's not worth breaking up success that the scoring lines have provided. So instead, as discussed, Rolston has worked his way onto the third line, a quasi-checking quasi-scoring line with Madden and Clarkson. And Rolston has been effective; not necessarily in a way that can be measured on the stat sheet, but he of the dynamite slap shot is always a force to be feared on the power play, and a way for the Devils to trot out four forwards on the power play.

-And last but not least, welcome to the team Brendan Shanahan! I'm not calling Shanahan old, but the man was traded for Scott Stevens! And he had almost 90 goals under his belt at the time! So yeah, the man is old, but he adds some scoring toughness and another offensive weapon to a team that already has a surprising amount of offense recounted above.

Conclusion: So I'm not saying that this team WILL represent the East in the Stanley Cup this year. But I am saying this: in a year when the Devils offense and defense is as good as it's been post-lockout, in a year where Brodeur should come back in March and be well-rested for the playoffs for the first time post-lockout, why should the Devils not be considered as serious Cup Contenders?

Superbowl Bullshitting with Mahatma

Alas with the Steelers in the superbowl, atleast 3 members of SUS are happy and enjoying themselves for now.

Here are some topline issues going into the game for now. Obviously, more to come because really what the hell else is there to talk about? Hockey? NBA?



The Line:

Seven is too high for my blood but the Steelers should be favored.



The tickets:

Too expensive for the lunch pail guys like myself. Bucket list goal #458974984 still unattained.


Injuries:

The Cards might be without two solid contributors along their defensive line in Travis Laboy and Antonio Smith. Of the two, Smith is most notable as he has teamed with Darnell Docket and been tremendous as a defensive end/defensive tackle in both the 3/4 and 4/3 alignments the Cards use. Smith has been a beast stuffing the run in the playoffs and added sacks. Laboy is an average player but in a rotation has proved deadly and has taken turns at both DE and LOLB. Both are questionable and both would be big time losses.

The big injury for the steelers is HINES WARD. He'll probably play but how effective will he be? Ward isn't as fast as he used to be but he still gets open and can still attack a team's short to intermediate zones. Ward didn't play in the last game against Arizona either. The Steelers need to be able to prepare for getting into a shootout should the game dictate as such. Regardless, they will need to put up points

The Media:

is already showing their lack of knowledge on either team. ESPN in general is worthless and probably will be until about a week from now. This is all just terrible generalizations flying around where fans that have seen more than 3 games of either team seem to know more.
Why does everyone insist on looking at the last game we played and thinking that's a good benchmark for how we come out in the next game? Arizona is not Baltimore nor is Pittsburgh Philadelphia ...you think our media geniuses would know that? Oh right, because in most cases, it's the first time they've seen either team.

Most important matchup:

Steelers offense vs. Arizona defense. Both were considered to be weaknesses before the playoffs and both have done just enough for their teams to squeek by. I'm not saying this matchup of high octane offense vs. elite defense favors the defense always but usually these two strengths of a team cancel out the other and we are left watching the matchup on the other side of the ball to dictate a victor.

MVP:

Look Fitzgerald will get his 100 yards that's a given. In fact even in 4 of Arizona's losses this season he has broke the 100 yard barrier. It's going to be someone else and I'll mention who I think that will be some point next week.


Coaching:

A lot has been made of the Cardinals coaching advantage and this is true. Whiz does not the players and what we like to run but wouldn't the Steelers know the same. Didn't the Cheezenhunt also practiced against Dick Lebeau for 3 seasons? Wouldn't he kindof know what a guy like Cheezenhunt likes to run also and in certain situations? Just saying.

Things that Really Grind my Gears

1) I am not saying Larry Fitzgerald is not the best receiver in the game. Clearly he has played like he is the best pass catcher in the league during the playoffs. But its just a little irritating to be told someone is the best receiver in the game when not one writer or expert said this 3 weeks ago. Eli was a great QB after 4 straight playoff wins including a Super Bowl tile right?, is he now??!

2) The NBA regular season games are just tough to get into. I was all hot and bothered for a Lakers Cavs showdown Monday night. However, I found myself watching Family Guy and Rachel Maddow instead. I realize that unless I have a stake in the outcome, have that read a Knicks game, I just can't care. I enjoy watching the greatness of Kobe and Lebron but I guess I can only stand to do so on sportscenter and during the playoffs.

3) Well I guess The Giants will have to do without the great Spags next year. I think that Spags made a big mistake honestly. The Rams is an organization in complete and utter disaray. If he thinks he can turn the Rams defense into the 07 Giants defense, he's about 3 star Defensive Ends and a field general linebacker short. I truly do wish him luck but I think he would have been better served staying here and riding out the return of Osi for a year than going to the moribund Rams.

4) I also guess that now the media will stop interviewing run of the mill politicians that happen to be black purely because of his/her race. G-d knows I love Barack but I have grown tired of the affirmative action TV interviewing policy over the last week or so. There are some truly great Black individuals in this country such as Oprah, Barck, and Clarence Thomas (yea right) but I don't care what some random black politician thinks about Obama being elected any more than I do joe black guy. Just saying.

5) Finally The Knicks. How do you beat the Celtics and Hornets but lose to the Thunder and Wizards. This team is actually more irritating than any of the post Ewing era. Its players only seem to get up for big teams and or big games. Earth to the Knicks... YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BEAT ANYBODY JUST BY STEPPING ON THE COURT! YOU AREN'T THE CELTICS, LAKERS OR CAVS! ugh. Yankees season can't get here fast enough.



Alright more ranting next week. I do plan on making this a regular spot again folks.

Match the photo with his quote:

A) Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose

B) The Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.

The AFC Championship: A Pictorial Journey

And so it was that the Steelers thrice defeated their hated rivals the Baltimore Ratbirds in a single season to move on to try and obtain the holy grail of football: the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Despite the vitriol, hate-hate relationship between these teams, there is a mutual respect for each other because both know the other is undeniably good. And so I too will show my respect by showing a pictorial journey of the Steelers and Ravens during their final game of the season against the Steelers.

And if you know me by now, by “showing respect” I mean “shitting all over the douchebags” and by “pictorial journey” I mean “using photos to make fun of them.” So in the words of Mahatma’s hero the immortal Bill Cowher: Let’s go!

Even the Airforce hates the Ratbirds

Get used to this position, cause we’re gonna shit all over you

"You shall not pass!"

Flacco about to lose his anal virginity



Don’t do it Ben! He’s got a knife and two people to blame it on!



At least the Ravens don't have to deal with this tool


Oh no! My Unibrow powers have failed me!


Ray “The Shanker” Lewis

Ryan Clark’s hit on Willis McGahee

And because it’s still great

And to sum up the game:

Open Letter to the Baltimore Ravens

Dear Baltimore Ratbirds and their fans:






Sincerely,


Pittsburgh Steelers and their fans



P.S. Joe Flacco is a douche

White Boy escapes depression long enough to pick NFL Title Games

Arizona Cards at Philadelphia Eagles (-4)- Okay, I'm incredibly sick of the 08 Eagles being compared to the 07 Giants. What Philly is doing is way more impressive than what the Giants did last year. New York was a mediocre 4-4 in its last 8 games and had a playoff birth all but locked up by week 14. Philly was 5-5-1 after 11 games and looked like an NFC bottom feeder. Not only that, unlike the 07 Giants who had the 5 seed clinched after week 16, The Eagles of 08 not only had to win its week 17 game to get in, it needed miraculous help to boot. Philly's story, if it was to secure its first ever Lombardi trophy would be infinitely more inspiring and impressive than New York's story was last year, save the Bowl itself. I say all of this to inform my loyal readers that Philly has even more momentum right now than Big Blue did at this point last year. Oh and its playing a much less scary Arizona team who has an immobile QB and a gimpy superstar receiver. I love the Eagles big. THE PICK: EAGLES (31-20)

Baltimore Raves at Pittsburgh Steelers (-6)
This game seems very easy to pick. It seems obvious that it will be very close and very low scoring. Therefore, It seems highly unlikely that either team would win by more than 4. Take the points and bet on the Rat Birds. THE PICK: RAVENS (Pitt wins 17-13)

-White Boy South Bronx

SHMUCKS CHAMPIONSHIP PICKS (I've lost all games)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS(-6) vs. BALTIMORE RAVENS

So in the event I will be drinking on Sunday with Mahatma or Brooklyn Hillbilly I’ve made a list of things I shouldn’t say or do while watching the games:

- Don’t enter the bar or Devo’s house doing the Ray Lewis dance. One, I can’t dance. Two, all my attention will be focused on my choreography and I won't be able to dodge whatever items might be thrown at me.
- Make some Penguins comments (well, maybe just one)
- Tell Mahatma I bet money on the Ravens (when really I bet on the Steelers)
- Steelers will probably beat the Ravens but will lose to Whisencunt and the Cardinals in the Super Bowl
- James Harrison wants to be a Jet
- HATEBREEDERZ RULE!
- Joe Flacco reminds me of a young Terry Bradshaw, just less retarded
- Alaaan Fannecaa
- So I had my tongue up your sisters a$$ and……..

-Solves all your worries-

I don’t really care what all the critics and media have to say, it’s obvious everyone favors the Steelers. I don’t favor anyone in this game. To me these teams are identical and it’s going to come down to a field goal (or a bad call by Hochuli and company).

Pittsburgh 16, Ravens 15

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4) vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Anyone else get the feeling that this is going to be McNabb and Andy Reid's year? Earlier in the season McNabb was benched and Reid was probably on the hot seat and now look, one win away from returning to the Superbowl.

There are no distractions this time(T.O driveway crunches) and all the players seem to be having fun. Arizona has been playing flawless football lately but all good things must come to an end. Arizona's defense will have their hands full trying to contain Brian Westbrook and a mobile McNabb. I know Donovan is not the QB he once was but when the man needs to scramble he can still reach the secondary and move the chains. Without Westbrook, McNabb is an average quarterback at best. On the field, BW is as dangerous as they come.

To sum it up I think the Eagles are playing the best football of the remaining 4 teams. Without Westbrook they're in trouble but reports are saying he'll play. This will probably be McNabb's last Superbowl run. I still don't think he'll ever win one.

Eagles 34, Cardinals 27

The Brooklyn Hillbilly Kicks Edgar Allen Poe to the Curb

The Ravens are an alluring pick, but they have fatal flaws.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-6, 34)
Wow. What a game this should be. I will give the Ravens props here; they are a scary team to face when they are healthy. A power running game combined with a sick D will get you very far in the NFL, and it has for Baltimore this year. But alas, even good teams must fail. And Sunday is the day they do. Here’s why:

1. Suggs can't rush or tackle with one shoulder. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed get all the press on this D, but Suggs is a big reason Reed gets picks and Lewis gets tackles. Suggs has been a force since he joined the Ravens and I can guarantee without his pressure, Big Ben is going to have some extra time to pick apart the Ravens secondary. Without hurried throws, Ed Reed can’t make the big plays everyone has been lauding him for all year.

2. No real bye week finally bites the Ravens in the ass. After the weird Week 2 emergency bye week, the Ravens have played football every week. By my count that’s 17 weeks in a row with Sunday being the 18th game. At some point all the little aches and pains that don’t get put on the injury report combine with fatigue to create big injuries during the game. That’s why you saw the Ravens dropping like flies in the second half last week. These guys are gladiators, but not supermen.
The Steelers almost have this puzzle figured out.

3. No Rolle means Big Ben rolls. I am not scared of Fabian Washington and Frank Walker. And I don’t think Ben or Hines Ward is either, even if Walker is in a spitting mood. I’ve got to say, I’ve never heard of the guys who are going to be coming off the bench for nickel and dime packages for the Ravens, but if they were any good, they would’ve beaten out Walker or Washington to start. This really is Bruce Arians dream, he’s been running the spread offense all year and finally he’s got a great shot to destroy a secondary with it. I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and rely on it.
The saddest fan prop ever.
4. Rookie-ness will get to Flacco. When Big Ben steered the Steelers to a near undefeated season in 2004, I thought he was the second coming of Christ. Anything was possible. Big Ben, curing cancer and saving babies from wells, would become the greatest QB in the history of the game (he still is). Then the stink-bomb of the AFC Championship game against the Patriots brought my expectations back down to earth. In sifting through the wreckage of that season, a very interesting thing occurred to me (and a bunch of other people and sportswriters to be fair): When was the last time Ben had a day off? It’s an interesting question that really only affects rookies, and especially QBs. From the moment your senior year begins in college, you are constantly working. Not only do you have to lead your college team, you are trying to look good for NFL scouts. Say you go to a smaller school (U of Miami or Delaware perhaps), once the season ends, you have to work harder than the guys from USC, Oklahoma or Florida to get your name out there and raise your draft stock. Working out, interviews, studying pro systems, there’s no let-down from season to preparing for the draft. Once you are drafted, you study your teams system and start preparing for mini-camp and training camp. It’s a constant grind and it eventually wears people down mentally and physically. At some point Flacco will break down and make, if not a huge mistake, then a large one, probably induced by a large black man with a black jersey on running toward him with murderous intent.

5. Both teams are closers, but the Steelers are better at it. Like I said last week, the Steelers win close games. That’s what they’ve done this year behind the best 4th quarter QB since Elway. 7 wins you games if they are close. The Ravens are 2-3 in games decided by 7pts or less, better than the Chargers, but still nowhere near the 6-2 record Pittsburgh sports. This game is going to be a close one. I don’t believe anyone who tells me there’s a blowout happening. I’m just happy we’ve got a team built to win close games, with two of the best possession receivers in the game (Ward and Heath Miller), a tandem of backs that can get first downs when needed (Mewelde Moore and Gary Russell) and a D that wont let teams gain a time of possession advantage through the running game or give up big drives in key spots.
Ill give you a hint boys, the victim was the 2008 Baltimore Ravens. Your primary suspects live in western Pennsylvania.
Some may say that the Steelers will only win this game because the Ravens are so dinged up. Those people are idiots. The Steelers have put together a team that is the best in the AFC (fuck the Titans) and it will be fitting that Pittsburgh will be its representative in the Super Bowl. Godspeed ye men in black and gold. 17-13, Steelers go for #6.


Philadelphia at Arizona(+4, 47)
I have to tell you. This one is eluding me. I hear both sides making great cases for their teams. Ordinarily, I'd say, “Its gonna be close” and pick a winner. But I don’t think it will be close. One of these teams is gonna hit the hard wall of fate here and get slapped around. And to hear that Brian Westbrooks knee still looks like a grapefruit doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in the Eagles. Besides, if theres one thing Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb do well, its lose NFC Championship games. Kurt Warner puts another Super Bowl trip on his debit card with God, 31-10.

Mahatma's Championship Game Picks

Philadelphia Eagles (-4) @ Arizona Cardinals



I wonder if Arizona refers to their stadium as the aviary?

Anyway why the hell are all these birds in the playoffs this year and how the hell are they doing this well? If I bet someone that these two teams would be in the NFC Championship game, I'd be living in Cabo right now with a russian vixen named Veronika.

Sadly, this isn't the case and here I am in the lovely 5 degree weather that is NYC. People are already expecting a Eagle/Steeler superbowl and for good reason but remember Arizona has done an amazing job the last 2 weeks in guessing the opponents snap counts. Their maligned defense is now flying to the ball in impressive fashion and at times that offense looks unstoppable.

Philly is riding the defense and I have a sickening feeling Brian Dawkins will be the win one for Elway, Strahan, Manning, Bettis, Gipper mode. Also i don't think the Larry Fitzgerald will be able to have nearly the same success last week matched up against Asante Samuel. Last game against Philly, Fitzy had only 5 catches for 65 yards but 2 of them were for touchdowns and Samuel didn't even play. The Eagles shouldn't fear the run game of the Cardinals and I don't think they will. This defense is playing well and McNabb had his best game of the year against the soft Cheezenhunt defense. This is going to be the best game of the day.

Pick:
Eagles- 28
Cardinals - 27

Baltimore Ravens (+6) @ Pittsburgh Steelers



my week:
Monday: They're a good team, but really banged up. We got this.
Tuesday: We cant lose to a team that banged up can we?
Wednesday: They are going to put up a fight
Thursday: Why IS EVERYONE PICKING US TO WIN
Friday: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont turn the ball over, thats our only chance
Saturday: Don't fucking talk to me, we already lost
Sunday: DRINK

Suffice to say Baltimore isn't backing down from anything. It's also been exceptionally quiet from Ratbird nation. I mean usually it's one of Bart Scott or the Murderer saying one thing or another retard but they are hush hush. Maybe their mouths are hurt too (here all week people)

The Ravens are hurt or something and everyone is on the Steeler bandwagon. Don't you feel a jinx coming? Because I sure as hell do.

Here's why the Ravens will win:

• Throw everything out of the window: divisional rivals. I don't care what the records are the Ravens are built to beat the Steelers. How you beat the Steelers is a consistent running game, playaction game and a stout defense. Ravens have that in spades.
• Ratbirds are hot. They've lost like once since mid November and that team that beat won on a controversial call.
• They just beat the best team in the AFC on the road with a rook QB. Style points weren't needed and they took it to the Titans who are more tougher than the Steelers.
• Injuries can be a motivational technique. These are all NFL players and they aren't all terrible (outside of Willie Colon). There have simply been too many cases in the NFL of substitutes coming in and playing just as well as, if not better than, the starters for whom they were subbing for. The Steelers seem to be getting too "comfortable about the Ravens' injuries". And if they do get "comfortable", you know what? That means they don't deserve to go to the Super Bowl. If playing the Ravens in the AFCCG, even if they were dressing 22 waterboys, doesn't rate the Steelers' "A" game, then screw 'em!
• All week the Ravens have heard that they can't beat the Steelers because they are so banged up. They are also playing with "House" money. I thought the NFL didn't condone gambling. Now even more so. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
  
• God loves Ray Lewis. Look he got away with murder. God hates heathens especially those who ride motorcycles without helmets.
  
• Joe Flacco is the BEST ROOKIE QB OF ALL TIME.
  
• Giants lost 2 vs. Cowshits last year before winning the ultimate matchup.
  
• Cam Cameron is a good coordinator and will put his team in the best position to win
  
• Steelers offense line is still bad and will always be bad until the offseason
• Arians called a rare good game last week but can he do it two weeks in a row?
  
• The Steelers defense has looked quite average the last two meaningful games. Kerry "Old" Collins lit them up and Phillip Rivers would have also if Brett Kiesel didn't bat up a pass and special teams.
• Sports Illustrated Cover. Seriously. FUCK YOU SI. What makes this worse is that headline. Ugh.

• All of ESPN is picking us. Seriously, kill me now.
• Because the genius, Seth Wickersham says the Steelers will win. Again... kill me
• Devo & Sports Guy are picking the Steelers. If that's not the kiss of death, I don't know what is.

That being said, Steelers win in a blowout. Steelers get up early and Flacco's gotta throw. Right into the arms of Steeler defenders.





Flacco than can go run into the arms of Ernie and the Baltimorons can save their rallybrows for next season.

Pittsburgh - 35
Baltimore - 9

Devo's Championship weekend picks (4-4)

Ah, championship weekend, my favorite day of the year. Nothing to do but hang out all day and watch the two best teams in each league battle it out.

2 things about Sunday that are near certainties:

1. These games will be more exciting than the Super Bowl. Most of the time, the best two teams are in the same league, with the winner playing the fourth or fifth best team overall. Even when the two best teams are in two different leagues, it doesn't necessarily mean the two best teams meet in the Super Bowl because...

2...most of the time, only one of the two expected Super Bowl teams makes it. Last year, everyone expected a Packers/Patriots Super Bowl. The year before, everyone expected a Patriots/Bears Super Bowl. And the year before that, everyone expected a Pitt/Carolina Super Bowl. So this year, with everyone expecting a Pittsburgh/Philly Super Bowl, one of these teams can be sure to fall short. Which one? Onto the picks!

ARIZONA (+4) over Philly

I hate this game from a fan's perspective. I can't root for Philly as a Giants fan, and I'm not sure that I respect Arizona as an NFL franchise. If Philly wins, I'll be offended as a Giants fan. If Arizona wins, I'll be offended as a football fan. Philly is the better team here and would win this matchup at least 6 times out of 10, but most of the factors seem to be pointing towards Arizona. For one, Westbrook not only isn't practicing, but hasn't been much of a factor throughout the playoffs. Second, the Arizona defense has been solid. Sure, they were basically handed the ball by Delhomme last week, but that doesn't change the fact that they have a few playmakers on the defense. And while their running game was below average for most of the season, it has held its own recently. Throw in the fact that Arizona is home and the Giants were a good quarterback performance away from hosting this bitch, and I'm taking Arizona in something of an upset.
Arizona 31
Philly 27


PITTSBURGH (-6) over Baltimore

Baltimore has a nice team-one of the better defenses in the league, a talented, young quarterback, and a veteran receiver who gives his team a few nice plays each game. Unfortunately, nice teams don't win these games. Pittsburgh? They have a team that is similar to the Giants in this way: the only way they will lose is if they beat themselves. In both of their situations, their defense and running games are good enough to carry the team. The only issue is whether the quarterback would ruin it for everyone else. In the Giants' case, the result was clear. In Pittsburgh's case, I'll admit that I thought Roethlisberger would bring about the Steelers downfall, but I was wrong- Ben convinced me last game that he's back and going to lead the Steelers to a Super Bowl. In a game that will technically be close but where the outcome won't be in doubt, I'll say
Pitt 17
Baltimore 7


And not that it has to do with anything but:

When you're unemployed you tend to become immersed in pointless sports debates simply because there's nothing else to do at 1pm on a Tuesday. As such, I was getting bombarded with the 'which of McNabb and/or Warner deserves to be in the Hall of Fame' debate. The simple fact is this: neither of these quarterbacks deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. In Warner's case, yes, he's had 3 mvp-type seasons, starting in '99 and including this year. He's also had 7 seasons that range from adequate to dreadful. I don't care if he's a 3 time mvp, he needs at least 4 or 5 more pro bowl caliber seasons in order to make it. And as for McNabb, I guess the numbers are deceptively impressive, but does anyone think he's had a better career than Peyton, Brady, or Favre? How about Favre, McNair, or Brees? That roughly puts him as the 7th best quarterback of his era. Should 7 quarterbacks go into the hall of fame in a league where no more than 7 people can be voted in on any given year? The thing with the Hall of Fame in any league is that it should be a senses test: Does this man look/smell/feel/taste/sound like a Hall of Famer? In the opinion of this pompous blowhard, no.

If the NYC boroughs and NJ were children, they would all be:

1. Manhattan: The Oldest Child.
Oldest children in families are generally divided into two types:

a) The leader of the family, always serving as a role model for the younger children. Manhattan can certainly be the role model for the other boroughs, as most of what takes place in New York happens here, but...

b) the oldest child can also have a false sense of entitlement. They were the first, and they'll be damned if any up and coming child who is two years behind them is going to take away their mojo. Why is the oldest/Manhattan the best? Well they were first so everything about them HAS to be better, right? Or maybe they're resented by their younger siblings for said sense of entitlement, but the younger siblings have learned to live with Manhattan's arrogance.

2. Queens/Brooklyn: The middle child

Ya know, thinking at most of my friends from 3+sibling households, generally the middle children are my favorite. Usually, these children are the most grounded: they see how arrogant Manhattan is, and do everything in their power to be nicer to the younger children. In the same way that the middle child is probably the smartest, most down to earth child, Queens and Brooklyn are very fun, chill boroughs that aren't as arrogant as Manhattan but are absolutely as much fun without being arrogant.

3. Jersey: The youngest child

If the older two children are boys, they spend their time physically beating up the youngest. If the older two children are girls, they spend their time playing dress up with the youngest, hopefully, but not always, a girl in this situation. Either way, Jersey/youngest child has spent their youth being mentally and physically beaten down by the oldest children, both of whom use the youngest child as a punching bag. But ya know what? After the constant beatdowns for simply being there, the youngest child becomes stronger for it. Moreover, the inferiority of the youngest child builds up a sense of humor that far outweighs the first two. (Stewart, Jon)

4. Staten Island: The mistake that the parents decide to keep

Ever meet a family that has 3 kids roughly 5-6 years apart and then another child 6-7 years younger than the 3rd child? Well that 4th kid is Staten Island. Really, there's not much redemption to be in this spot. The third child finally has a younger sibling, so all the crap that NJ endured is about to be put on Staten Island. Staten Island-be prepared for your beatdown. You've earned it by being the bastard child/borough.

Sports figures we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies (First of a SUS series)

Being sports fans we all have to deal with our teams employing a player, coach, or GM that constantly infuriate us. But every once in a while we get a person that transcends mere infuriation. It turns into pure unadulterated hate, so much so that we wouldn’t even wish this person onto our most hated rivals. We would actually rather have this person out of the league so we never have to lay eyes upon their wretched hides than have them go to even our most hated teams and ruin them. And let me tell you, us here at SUS are very bitter and vengeful, so this says a lot.

Yinzer’s five Sports figures he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemies

5. Jim Leyland/Stan Belinda

You’re going to have to think back to a time where the Pittsburgh Pirates where actually a good team. A stretch I know, and yes, it was during our lifetime, the early 90’s to be precise. Belinda was the favorite reliever of then manager Jim Leyland, when he only looked sixty instead of ten years dead. Here’s the problem: everyone but Leland knew Belinda sucked. And when you’re in the ninth inning and about to advance to the World Series, you don't put your worst reliever in. But that’s exactly what Leyland did, and what happened? The Braves advanced and the Pirates stayed home. Belinda blew the most important game of his life, just like he blew every other game he ever pitched in. Seriously, Leyland was the only person in the entire city that didn’t know to not put Belinda in. So while Belinda is terrible, fault must also be put on Leyland for being such an idiot hence the two being lumped together.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Fucking Belinda/ Fucking Leyland

It’s one of those things that the person infuriates you so much that you don't even bother to put the effort in to coming up with a nickname. Just that convenient adjective that starts with an “f.

4. Michel Ouellet

Ouellet was a winger for the Penguins for two years. He was a favorite of coach Michel Therrien, and that just aggravates me more. Therrien gave him every chance and then some to succeed while immediately benching anyone else that made a single mistake. For a scoring forward I’ve never seen someone kill so many offensive chances for their own team. He was so slow I actually expected Malkin to grab him by the wrist and drag him up ice. He couldn’t hit the net while moving at the same time, or if he was further than five feet out, yet managed to get top line duty constantly. Watching Ouellet was like watching a five year old playing in the ten year old age bracket: all he did was race to keep up.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Mango Salsa

Well, not really my nickname, but a popular one on the hockey message board I frequent. Why you ask? Well, it’s because Ouellet looks like the Geico caveman who orders the duck with the mango salsa. And it’s just fun to say.

3. Sean Mahan

Mahan was the center for the Steelers for a single year. He was signed as a free agent then promptly dealt the next to free up cap space. I am not embellishing when I say he could not hike the ball and remain standing at the same time. Nearly every play he would hike it then subsequently fall to the ground. If he somehow maintained his balance, a light breeze would often topple him. At one point I actually did an objective comparison between Mahan and a piece of crap (since that’s what everyone kept calling him) on which is better at the position. The piece of crap won. Hands down. He couldn’t block anyone, and was a big reason the Ben got sacked so much because he’d just let the defensive linemen right in. His play can only be described as horrid. Note: I couldn’t find a picture of him in action, so I put a typical scene with him in play. Notice he is nowhere to be found and Ben is getting sacked.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Gayhan

Credit goes to Mahatma for this one, but I adopted it because it was fitting. I think it speaks for itself.

2. Jim Haslett

Yes, the interim coach of the St. Louis Rams. Why you say? Well you know how the Steelers have always been known for their defense? Well when Haslett arrived to replace defensive coordinator and demigod Dick Lebeau after taking a head coaching job, Haslett got the job and ruined the Steelers defense like he was George W. Bush handling the US Economy. The blitzes stopped. The prevent was used to start the 4^th quarter with a seven point lead. Pressure on the QB was nonexistent. Talent alone held the Steelers defense together. I still remember in high school saying how he instantly ruined the defense (honestly, two games in I would have fired the man), yet no one would listen. Then Haslett goes to New Orleans to coach and all of a sudden the Steelers defense leaps back towards the top of the league. I preached for three years Haslett was a problem and after he left everyone finally admitted I was right. I hate this man, and I am always hoping he maintains a head coaching job because it means he can never suck the life out of the Steelers defense again.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: That asshole who ruined our defense

Nope, nothing fancy here. I didn’t go for anything creative or a single word. He’s just that asshole that ruined one of the league’s best defenses.

1. Ian Moran

Do you know this man? No, you don’t, but us Penguins fans know him very well. He is possibly the worst defenseman to ever play hockey. Ever. He couldn’t hit, clear the net, shoot, move the puck or cover his man. In other words, he lacked any skills that are needed to some extent out of every NHL defenseman. For years people made excuses for him, saying “he was a good guy” or “he tries hard” or even worse, “he’s versatile” because he was moved to wing a few games where he was equally useless. And this went on for eight years. EIGHT YEARS!!! And every game there he was getting top four minutes, not even having the decency to get injured and miss games every once in a while. You know how the Penguins became synonymous with no defense? Ian Moran was a big part of that. He is truly the worst NHL player I have ever seen. Oh yeah, and he’s a Masshole too.

Yinzer’s Preferred Nickname: Ian Moran

In the Yinzer family, Ian Moran has actually become the gravest insult we can bestow on one another. Imagine you’re arguing and start the name calling, then you get hit with “Ian Moran.” It’s like going straight to the triple dog dare. Back in the day, insults like this started duels.