Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 7: The SHMUCK Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the last of a seven part series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Click here for Yinzer's picks.
Click here for Mahatma's picks.
Click here for Brooklyn Hillbilly's picks.
Click here for Devo's picks.
Click here for White Boy South Bronx's picks.
Click here for MissMet's picks.

CHAD PENNINGTON

I am loyal to Gang Green people. I’d never outright insult any member of the team. Wait, who am I kidding, yes I would, hell I have! I’m critical of all the players’ abilities and skills especially Penningtons (but aren’t all NFL fans this way?). I do have some respect for Chad though. He never disrespected the organization or criticized his teammates and was a true leader, but with a vagina for an arm. Chad Pennington is like the Mets pitching staff: solid for ¾ of the game, can’t finish the job when it counts. Pennington will lead you to the playoffs and a winning season but he will never take a team to the Super Bowl and hold the Lombardi Trophy….until he holds a clipboard as a backup.


TIE DOMI


(Domi's douchebaggily completed work)

Talk about ultimate Douchbags! Domi is your prototypical enforcer, meaning he has no scoring skills and is just good at cheap shots and dropping the gloves. I remember the 2001 Eastern Conference Semis where Domi threw an elbow at Scott Niedermeyer (then NJ Devil, now Emilio’s B*tch) who was far from the developing play. The hit left him unconscious. He’s the perfect example of a guy you want on your team but absolutely despise when he’s playing against your team; a douchebag.

RON ARTEST

I hate the NBA, in fact I'm not even a big fan of basketball in general. The Pacers-Pistons Brawl had to be the worst display of professionalism I have ever seen. To straight up jump into the stands and start throwing punches is preposterous and senseless, if not kind of cool. If this man were on fire I wouldn’t throw my beer, I’d waste some money and throw 151 on his ass, let him burn.



A.J. PIERZYNSKI


This man is like 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag. This Onion article says enough for me.


FLOYD MAYWEATHER JR.


There’s nothing I can’t stand more than a showboat/wannabe playa/rapper/thug/pimp. Floyd is just a straight up punk. Yea he’s arguably one of the best boxers of our generation but that doesn’t mean I have to like the guy. He’s all about the money, not the sport. I too was one of many Americans that chanted “God save the Queen” because I was hoping Ricky Hatton would shit his A$$ up. Now he’s a professional wrestler, God what a joke! I could understand Pete Rose selling out to the WWE, I’m sure he lost quite a few bets weeks before and needed a quick million. But Mayweather shows no respect for his opponents. I’m glad boxing is starting to fall and UFC is on a rise. I’d love to see Mayweather in the octagon with anyone of the lightweight contenders, “Down goes Mayweather! Down goes Mayweather!” I probably would piss on his pockets or his wallet to score some cash and bling though.

-SHMUCK