Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 6: The Yinzer Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the sixth of a seven part series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Click here for Mahatma's picks.
Click here for Brooklyn Hillbilly's picks.
Click here for Devo's picks.
Click here for White Boy South Bronx's picks.
Click here for MissMet's picks.

5. David Ortiz
You know, it's not really Ortiz himself I hate. I can live with him. It's just that when I think of everything that annoys me about baseball (see my "Why I Hate Baseball" article if you're curious) somehow it coalesces into one image that ends up being David Ortiz. I cant even tell you what his personality is like to be honest. But somehow when I think of the bad things of baseball, I see him as the symbol for them all. Humans are weird.

4. Todd Bertuzzi
You might remember about five years ago when one hockey player jumped another during play, slammed his head into the ice and broke his neck. The guy who did that was Todd Bertuzzi (and for the record, the guy he assaulted Steve Moore, pictured above, still hasn't fully recovered from his injuries). This was the only time in my life I was ever actually embarrassed to be a hockey fan so despicable was this act. The only decent thing to come out of this is that it's basically ruined Bertuzzi's career in his prime, and the fans wont ever let him forget what he did. He should have never been allowed back into the league, but at least he will never be allowed to forget because the fans boo him at every arena.

3. Tiger Woods

(Editor's note:
Tiger Woods is an asshole. Not necessarily for the reasons that Yinzer is about to go off on, but simply because all of his pictures are classy. Not one drunk photo. In honor of that asshole's classiness, the Chappelle Show racial draft is provided below.)

I hate people with egos, and Woods thinks he shits gold bricks. Yeah, you are arguably the best golfer ever, but you're also one of the least likable. But most amazing is how much of an utter pansy he has shown himself to be recently. After messing his knee up a few months back, he said it would be about six months before he could swing a club. Are you freaking kidding me? You may remember the name Daniel Alfredsson. He plays hockey for the Ottawa Senators, and someone who I rated as one of the biggest douchebags in the league. Last playoffs he played with a torn ACL and MCL. A sport where he is constantly required to PUSH OFF on his knee to STAY IN MOTION while a 6'7", 250 lb. defenseman tries to smash him. He disregarded the pain and threat of more serious injury and played. Christ, even Mahatma didn't act like such a bitch when he jacked his knee up. And here Tiger says it will be half a year until he can stand still and swing again. It's bad enough you're an egotistical prick Tiger, but you're also one of the biggest pansies ever.

2. Jeremy Roenick

I've never hid my disdain for this man. A loudmouth, hypocritical coward Roenick (who addresses himself as "JR") is many things I despise. He talks a tough game and tells others to shut up when they say something, but when he's the one things happen to he whines more than the French. And if someone confronts him? He runs away pretending he doesn't hear you or hides behind his teammates. He'll never back up his words and the only time he plays tough is when your back is turned.

1. Tom Brady

Where to start with this one? He cheats on the field, he fully embraces a cheating team and organization that on a regular basis shows a complete lack of class, and, oh yeah, that whole dumping your pregnant girlfriend thing. Brady, despite the media hype that he is a great person, is really just a piece of shit. If he wasn't on a team ESPN and other media outlets weren't trying to make everyone like than all we would hear about is how shitty he is. Instead we hear how Chris Henry gets traffic violation, Pacman Jones gets into bar fights and Tank Johnson had a gun in his car. Nothing about the man who abandoned two lives he was supposed to take care of. Seriously, Brady is a terrible human being. (Note to Gisele: if you marry Tom and want to stay with him, don't get pregnant).

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