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Straightupsports.com

Jim Leyritz and Doug Mirabelli: A Tale of Two Catchers

Whatever happened to Jim Leyritz you ask? You mean besides his DUI/manslaughter? Well, it looks like someone's checking themselves into a rehab center because they've become suicidal. Look, I feel bad for Leyritz and hope he improves his lot in life. But I'd feel a lot worse for Leyritz if he wasn't GUARANTEED to become a borne again by 2010. And then we get to hear about how putting his faith in Jesus Christ saved Leyritz's life, when it might have had more to do with not spending all of your money on hookers, booze, and blow.

On a lighter side, is there anyone out there looking for real estate in the Traverse City, Michigan area? If so, this ex-catcher who did nothing but catch a knuckleball and enjoy chicken parms will be sure to find you an affordable home in a nice neighborhood. Dougie's going deep tonight!

And last but not least, props to the Bengals for clinching the top pick in the 2010 draft with their must see tv this year!

Capitals File Rape Charges Against Penguins

It has been less than 24 hours since their game 7 loss to the Penguins, but the Capitals are already looking for some measure of justice, or even revenge. This morning lawyers for the Capitals officially submitted rape charges against the Pittsburgh Penguins, claiming that the black and gold clad team has repeatedly abused them both physically and emotionally in the NHL postseason dating back to the mid 1990’s.

“It’s absurd” Owner Ted Leonsis said, teary eyed after having to watch a game 7 where the hated Sidney Crosby, not to mention the rest of the Penguins, had their way with the Capitals. “Every time we meet them in the playoffs, no matter who is on either team, they just bend us over and do what they please.”

The series, claimed as one of the most entertaining in NHL history by multiple writers and commentators, was expected to end in another close game full of action. However it ended the same as any other Penguins-Capitals series, with the Caps being on the receiving end.

“They did that on purpose; they intended that all along.” Leonsis continued. “They could have ended that series anytime they wanted. But they wanted to torture us. They wanted to wait to game seven, the most emotional game, and they wanted to do it in front of our fans so the toll would be greater.

“Do you think we really scored those two goals? No, we didn’t. They’re goalie (Marc-Andre Fleury) was told to just give us a few so we could get our hopes up and they could just crush them again.”

When asked of the effects on the players, Leonsis said many were upset and crying over the ordeal. Some actually had repressed memories already, unable to recall the game at all. Head coach Bruce Boudreau was as adamant as the owner on what the Pens did. “We have a locker room full of guys just sitting there in shock over what happened. You have guys like (Matt) Bradley, (Dave) Steckel, (Brooks) Laich and (Boyd) Gordon who are practically in shock because they were shown what a bunch of no-talent ass clowns they really are.

“Think about it; how do guys like those stay in the league? Because they don't know how bad they are. Now that the Pens showed them they suck, they may never recover.” When asked if one of the four suffered worst, Boudreau had an immediate answer. “Bradley. This is a guy the 2004 Penguins, one of the worst teams in NHL history, didn’t want on their team after the year. And he always thought it was because they were cheap and didn’t want to pay him, but now he knows it’s because he’s a terrible hockey player. We immediately put him on suicide watch and are keeping him away from sharp object.”

But does that include the skates he wears?

“Yes.” Boudreau said. “We had to take them off for him because we were afraid he might ‘accidently’ cut himself.”

But the Capitals head coach wasn’t finished. “The person you feel worst of all for is Alex.”

When asked which Alex he was referring to, Ovechkin or Semin, Boudreau became angered.

“Which Alex do you think I mean? The one that actually showed up this series, the one who’s last name that isn’t a male bodily fluid and who doesn’t fight like a five year old girl.” Taking a moment to calm down he continued. “As I said, Alex is hurt most of all. He finally had a chance to prove to everyone he was better than Sidney Crosby and he failed. Crosby showed up when it counted and he didn’t. Alex had his whole press conference speech written down. He was going to taunt and insult the Penguins so he could show what a juvenile, classless jackass he really is to the world. And now he can’t do that. We can’t even get him out of the trainer’s room. He’s locked himself in there and has been crying the whole time.”

When asked if Ovechkin was overreacting to the loss, Boudreau had an earnest answer.

“How would you feel if you had a chance to prove you were the best in the world, and instead just got slapped around like a bitch?”

Boudreau, whose post game press conferences had become excuse laden whine-fests, was asked if he had any to offer up after the series ending loss.

“Excuses?” he asked. “I’ve got plenty of excuses, but we’ll get to those tomorrow. I’d bring extra tape if I were you because I’ve got a lot of excuses why we lost, and none have to do with something as simple as the Pens outplaying us.”

Part of the Capitals argument will rely on witnesses from around the NHL who claim to have the same thing done to them, with the key witness being Philadelphia defenseman Derian Hatcher. Hatcher has long been abused by Crosby since the superstar entered the league, and Hatcher knew that one day his reign of terror would end.

“For the past four years, every time I play him he abuses me. He acts nice, but it’s just a show. He does it to sucker you in. He told me my hair was pretty, it was a nice perm and asked who cut it, and then he would turn around and make a fool out of me in front of twenty thousand people, and sometimes on national TV.” Though he was choked up by this point, Hatcher continued with what is surely just a glimpse of his future testimony. “And the worst part of all? No one did anything. Thousands of people just stood there and watched as he did it. Not a single one of them helped me. They even cheered when he did it, and announcers would exclaim what a great play it was and talk about his amazing stick skills. How can any decent person laugh and cheer at such a despicable act?”

No one is sure what the Capitals chances are of succeeding in having the charges stick, with some saying the court will merely throw them out. Regardless the Caps plan to proceed undaunted in their endeavor to finally make the Penguins pay for their crimes.

“We have video evidence over the past fifteen years that includes the Penguins forcibly taking the playoff series seven of eight times from the Capitals, and in all cases doing bodily and emotional harm to Capitals.” Said Washington based attorney Herman Lipowitz, who will be representing the Capitals. He showed the below picture to the press, which he referred to as a "typical scene during a Penguins-Capitals playoff series."




“We have Jim Carey giving a testimony” he continued, referring to the Capitals goalie during much of the nineties and of no relation to the actor. “His career was ruined by the Penguins. Every game he played against the Penguins that team took regular turns passing him around and scoring on him. It became too much and he was forced to retire from the league.”

“They just don't know when to quit” said Jonathan Rosen, who will be handling legal matters for the Penguins. “The Capitals think the on the ice is the only place the Penguins can bend them over?”

The Capitals refuse to withdraw the charges, so the only question that remains is whether the legal battle will be a hard fought contest like games one through six, or the lopsided victory that was game seven?

Romo chokes again...

Tony Romo played in a local U.S. Open qualifier Monday in hopes of earning a berth in next month's major championship. The Dallas Cowboys quarterback came up short though, shooting an 80 at Dallas National Golf Club and failing to advance. Romo fell apart late, triple-bogeying the 16th hole while carding a 44 on the back nine.


Once again, the anti-clutch vacuum comes up small when it matters the most. Is this news anymore? Tony Romo coming up a bit short is on the same wave length as January is the first month of the year or 14 year old boy masturbates. Everyone knows it so why should we expect anything different. I'm not complaining though. I find it amusing that the God of Gag continues to come up small in all months of the year and not just December. But hey, he does still get to canoodle with Jessica Simpson so he wins.

LOST Fans Unite!

For all the non-hockey fans in SUS Nation, tonight has a very different yet equally consequential meaning, the Season 5 finale of LOST. After leaving the island and coming back, things still seem as fucked up as ever for the Oceanic Six. Not to mention the other like 10 characters who havent even made it on screen this season. I dont want to get into a discussion about this, it could take hours. Im merely posting to invite you lovely people to what looks like an amazing party for the finale. They have a recap band fer chrissakes, how weird/awesome is that? Who knows, if hockey is a blowout, you might even see BH there tipping back a few Dharma beers.

"Lost" Actors Are Confused, Too - watch more funny videos

An extra swollen edition of your Morning Constitutional

---Some of these you have seen and enjoyed before, others have guys with funny accents who play odd sports like "soccer". All are great examples of why its occaisonally fun to watch post-game interviews. Hecklers Spray

---YES!!! You lucky people get MORE Star Trek. And if you haven't seen the movie yet, go. It fukkin rawked.



---I loved Cheers growing up, and I like to think Cliff Clavin had a lot to do with the encyclopedic asshole I grew up to be. The Longest List...

---If you haven't heard already, Jessica Biel finally shows off her man-tamers in her new movie. Then it gets a little weird. NSFW Egotastic and just about every other website on the internets.

---These guinea pigs have the same dead look in their eyes as the models that Devo lures with little baggies of white powder to his van down by the river. That said, I doubt the guinea pigs throw up after every meal. I thought we were in a recession and people werent spending money on stupid shit.


---A little education for Mahatma and Devo, who I know for a fact are clueless in this area. Seriously though, this lady deserves a Nobel or something.





---Special last-minute bonus trailer for Peter Jackson's next production. Looks badass:



Props to Bears in Human Suits

Mets Make it 7 in a Row.

After a slow start, the Mets have now won seven games in a row, including four against division rivals. Things are looking pretty good. I haven't stopped worrying though. The boys still have their issues, but I think I might just focus on the positives for today.

The Mets are now in first place in the NL East- this might change. If Florida wins today, they'll be in first.

Johan Santana is amazingly outstanding, as I saw firsthand on Wednesday when he faced the Phillies at Citi Field. The game was a classic pitchers duel, with the Mets winning 1-0. The ace worked quickly and made it look easy, striking out 10. It would be nice if they could score some more runs for him, I mean the man as a .91 ERA and the team hasn't scored more than 2 runs in any of his starts.

The offense is clicking at the same time with Jose igniting, the Carloses hitting (and for power!) and David Wright not striking out every time he goes up to bat. Help from the back-up catchers, Castillo and Murphy has been key as well. Oh, looks like I just mentioned almost everyone in the starting line-up, so yeah, the offense is clicking.

Ollie has been removed from the rotation. Whether his knee is really bothering him or not, it is a good thing that he won't be making starts for awhile. Though he ended up being treated as a coveted free-agent, I was never really sure about the re-signing of Ollie. His multiple-pitching personalities were always an issue. Which Ollie were we going to get? This season it was more the Bad Ollie than the Good Ollie, so I hope he can get himself figured out in his rehab...

The starting pitchers behind Santana aren't doing too badly themselves. After Ollie was taken out of the rotation, Pelfrey, Maine and Hernandez reached way back and found ways to win. Jonathan Niese did pretty well on Friday night against the Pirates- walking no one- and keeping the Mets in the game to let the bullpen secure the win.

It looks like the Mets are getting comfy in their new home. I am too. I like those Shack Burgers.

Starting tomorrow, the Mets take on Atlanta at home for three games. Johan will take on the one that got away named Derek Lowe in tomorrow's exciting match-up.
Happy Mother's Day!
~MissMet

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

I think this was me last night.

Save your $12

That pretty much sums up that steaming pile of excrement called "Wolverine" that Marvel is trying to pass off as a motion picture.

Star Trek is gonna fucking rock tho.

....I still can't/don't want to talk about Manny....

Manny.

I'm not gonna go on my own personal Magic Jihad in an effort to explain the meaning of Manny's failed test. The story pretty much speaks for itself. I'm just gonna say this: for those Mets fans who think that nothing has ever gone their way, just think how bad this year could have been if Minaya had listened to the people and signed the world's 2nd most famous grill salesman.

NHL Offseason: Non Playoff Teams

As the NHL playoffs continue to rage, those teams that were unable to claim a berth in the post season have already begun to look ahead and plan what they can do to improve in the upcoming offseason. The draft and free agency are times to stock up, and while most draft picks aren’t able to step in immediately and make an impact, with every GM present at the draft it is much easier to get a deal in place to help their team.

As with anything, in order to succeed a team needs a good plan. Sometimes they work, sometimes they fail. The Philadelphia Flyers restocked with some top flight players to anchor the team while bringing up young players. The Tampa Bay Lightning conversely went out and spent a bunch of money on forwards not deserving of their contracts and ignored defense, successfully showing icing a team built for 80’s hockey just doesn’t work. Of course you can always go for the New York Islanders route of trading good assets for marginal ones.

So I am here to bestow my vast hockey wisdom to these teams who never had a chance to fight for Lord Stanley’s Cup on what they should plan on when the offseason hits.

Note: The salary cap for next year is expected to be about the same at $56mm. This is the amount that will be assumed in my analysis. UFA- unrestricted free agent. RFA- restricted free agent.


Eastern Conference

Atlanta Thrashers
UFA: Marty Reasoner (F)
RFA: Colby Armstrong (F), Jim Slater (D), Kari Lehtonen (G)
Analysis:
Atlanta again failed to make it into the playoffs, but at least they were smart and traded what disposable assets they had at the deadline. Unfortunately, as long as Don Waddell is GM of this team, there truly is no hope. A terrible drafter, bad trader and only ever signing marginal free agents, he has single handedly kept the Thrashers from being a contender.
Plan:
Unfortunately Waddell is buddy buddy with one of the Thrashers owners, and that owner is in a fight with the other primary owner over control. This means Waddell isn’t going anywhere because front office turmoil is not something the bickering owners want to deal with. I’d say actually sign some free agents that will make an impact, especially on forward in order to try and keep Illya Kovalchuk around as he enters the last year of his contract. Also, when it comes time to draft, do the opposite of what you normally do because it probably can’t be worse.


Buffalo Sabres
UFA: Maxim Afinogenov (F), Andrew Peters (F), Jaroslav Spacek (D), Teppo Numminen (D)
RFA: Drew Stafford (F), Andre Sekera (D)
Analysis:
Despite their efforts the Sabres missed the post season, continuing their fall from grace of being the primary Eastern power just a few years ago. Ownership finally took their heads out of their asses and started signing players to extensions mid season rather than waiting until the season ended, resulting in the likes of Drury and Briere departing. They did the smart thing in locking up netminder Ryan Miller to an extension, but they have pressing needs at both forward and defense at this point.
Plan:
Spacek has already said he is heading back to Europe to finish his hockey career, and Numminen isn’t getting any better at age 39. They need an influx of veteran defensemen that are capable of logging tough minutes. Secondary scoring is also a pressing need, as their forward depth drops from scoring to checking duty fairly quick. Though the market is somewhat thin this year, getting a name player, not necessarily a superstar, will go a long way. They have about $10mm in free cap space, so they will only have room for one player of that caliber, so choose wisely.



Florida Panthers
UFA: Richard Zednik (F), Radek Dvorak (F), Jay Bouwmeester (D), Nick Boynton (D), Karlis Skrastins (D), Craig Anderson (G)
RFA: David Booth (F), Steve Eminger (D)
Analysis:
The Panthers are not sitting in a good position. They kept young all star Bouwmeester to make the post season and quickly went on a downward spiral that saw them hit the golf course early again. Bouwmeester never seemed that happy in Florida and their failure to make the playoffs during his tenure will probably be the last straw. Along with him Boynton and Skrastins are also UFA’s so their blue line may potentially need rebuilt this summer.
Plan:
Not resigning Booth isn’t an option. He is emerging as a top line scoring wing and one of the few bright spots for the team in recent years. Don't even let him get an offer sheet thrown at him. Eminger should be resigned, especially given they have three UFA dmen. Anderson had a strong season and the Panthers have cap room to resign him, but he may be interested in testing free agency to get a feel for what he is worth. Zednik and Dvorak who while not bad, didn’t make the impact they were expecting and if they depart it won’t be a big loss. Florida is a tough draw for free agents as the teams struggles are well known, but they need to sign more than just scraps in order to help out their young players and be successful. If Bouwmeester is intent on going to free agency, they should try and trade his rights to a team willing to give big money to him and willing to part with a pick to get first shot.



New York Islanders
UFA: Mike Sillinger (F), Dean McAmmond (F), Joey MacDonald (G), Yan Danis (G)
RFA: Nate Thomas (F), Blake Comeau (F)
Analysis:
The Islanders were the worst team in the league this year as many predicted, and things aren’t looking up as pretty much every position is a concern. They sit $7mm under the cap at this moment, but due to poor attendance and a crappy arena won’t be spending a whole lot of money, probably sitting near the cap floor again. Owner Charles Wang publicly stating he regrets buying the franchise doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either.
Plan:
If anything good came of this season it’s that the Islanders did win the draft lottery and will get the first overall pick. While he dropped to 3rd in the scouting ranking because of a poor playoff, Jonathan Tavares should be selected because he is a dynamic offensive player, and that more than anything puts butts into seats. Even if they don't select Tavares, the top three prospects will have a big impact on the team for a long time. Regardless of finances this team needs to sign some players that will make them at least respectable again.



Ottawa Senators
UFA: Mike Comrie (F), Chris Neil (F),
RFA:
Analysis:
How the mighty have fallen. Two years ago they played in the Cup finals, and they followed up the past two years by being swept in the first round and not making the post season. They traded for Pacal Lecalire at the deadline to try and solve their long time goalie troubles, but his injury history may prevent him from being what they want, but it was a smart move. It’s hard to say what is wrong with this team. They had talent and depth, and despite keeping many of the players it has all fallen apart. Going on your fourth coach in there years doesn’t help either, but it is serious time to consider ousting Bran Murray as GM who seems to be one of the few constants in the equation.
Plan:
They tried to trade their dead weight at the deadline but no other team bit. They’ve locked up their best forwards long term, which doesn’t give them much spending room at all. They only have about $5mm to spend for next year, which will probably only be enough to sign Comrie and another support player. The Sens biggest problem is they have over $20mm tied up in three players: Heatley, Spezza and Alfredsson. If they want to clear cap space or get an immediate influx of depth, trading one of the former two would be their only real option (Alfredsson will be a Senator for life). It is time they serious consider it though.



Tampa Bay Lightning
UFA: Matt Pettinger (F), Marik Malik (D), Josef Melichar (D)
RFA: Lukas Krajicek (D), Karri Ramo (G)
Analysis:
All offense and no defense doesn’t win in the NHL anymore, though the Lightning didn’t think so when they went into free agency last year. It resulted in them being one of the worst teams once more. Trade happy owners and GM didn’t help as it seemed no chemistry could be developed with the revolving door to the locker room. They sit shy of $40mm so they have room to spend, but rumors are abound the owners took too much of a loss so may not be willing to spend as much for next season.
Plan:
Defense, defense, defense! You need defense! After trading Dan Boyle to free up cap space the Lightning got rid of their only player good enough to anchor the defense. It was their Achilles heel all season and rarely could the blue line muster enough game to make it competitive. They need to use what money to shore up the defense if they want any chance to succeed. Forget a Bouwmeester, get some mid pairing guys who will run around $3-$4mm a year that can log close to twenty minutes and are reliable. The forwards aren’t in great shape, but the defense really needs fixed. And no, they aren’t trading Vinny Lecavalier.



Toronto Maple Leafs
UFA: Brad May (F), Boyd Devereaux (F), Curtis Joseph (G), Martin Gerber (G)
RFA: Mikhail Grabovski (D), Jason Pogge (G)
Analysis:
Year 2 of the Leafs rebuilding phase. New GM Brian Burke is going to leave his stamp on the team in the coming years, so expect them to be quite active at both the draft and free agency. He has cleared off the UFA’s at the deadline to expedite the process and could very well use the picks he got in return to trade up in the draft or for more established young players.
Plan:
Gerber was little more than a stop gap for the rest of the season due to an injury to starter Vesa Toskala, and Kolzig was obtained for the Lightning to dump salary, so don't expect either of them to be back. Going out and spending a bunch of money on free agents isn’t very wise at this point; it’s better to leave roster spots for young players to develop. Still signing some support players won’t hurt, but they need to stay away from big ticket UFA’s. Burke has said he wants Tavares, but whether any of the teams ahead of him in the draft are willing to trade with him remains to be seen, and if they are the price will be steep (I’m thinking it will cost them young defenseman Luke Schenn as part of a package). They have nearly $15mm in cap room, but don't expect that all to be spent.



Western Conference

Colorado Avalanche
UFA: Joe Sakic (F), Tyler Arnason (F), Ian Laperriere (F), Andrew Raycroft (G)
RFA: Cody McCormick (F), Peter Budaj (G)
Analysis:
With the glory days of no cap and spending $36mm on four players gone, the Avs have struggled since the start of the cap world. GM Francois Giguere has already taken the fall unable to bring in the right pieces to make the Avs contenders. While injuries have hampered them the past few years, even healthy they were not a serious threat. With nearly $44mm already tied up they have some room to bring in help, but they need a GM that will spend it wisely.
Plan:
More than anything a stable goaltender is needed. The starting job has been a revolving door since Patrick Roy retired (take note New Jersey)with the likes of Jose Theodore, Dave Abeischer, Peter Budaj and Andrew Raycroft all having a turn and none capable of maintaining the level needed to hold it. While mostly aging veterans are available they need some stability in net so the skaters know they don't have to always win by themselves. Part of what the Avs decide to do will hinge on the decision of long time captain Joe Sakic, who is contemplating retirement. If he decides to return it will be with a large chunk of cap space, so the Avs will need to wait on him before making any major moves.


Dallas Stars
UFA: Jere Lehtinen (F), Joel Lundvist (F), Brendan Morrison (F), Sergei Zubov (D), Darryl Sydor (D)
RFA:
Analysis:
The Stars started off rough, having a hard time coming by wins in the first quarter of the season and already getting fed up with newly signed Sean Avery. They turned things around only to be killed by injuries at the end of the year costing them a playoff berth. They have some key free agents that account for over $15mm in cap space so there is room to instantly improve.
Plan:
The Stars need to make choices on two players in particular: Lehtinen and Zubov. Both have long been staples of the franchise and helped them to their only cup win, but they’re both old now (35 and 37 respectively) and more concerning hampered in recent years by injuries. Both have also been consistent Selke and Norris nominations so letting them go will be difficult, but it may be for the best. The Stars need to get younger, they are too dependent on players that helped keep them perennial contenders, but these players times are starting to pass. Any young free agents that will help long term need to be targeting by the Stars, and they should avoid any free agents over 35 in general. Morrison was merely a stop gap so don't expect him to return and Sydor has been fading the past few years so don't expect him to return either. And yes, Joel is the (twin) brother of Henrik if you were wondering.


Edmonton Oilers
UFA: Ales Kotalik (F), Dwayne Roloson (G)
RFA: Denis Grebeshkov (D), Ladislav Smid (D)
Analysis:
After missing the playoffs for the third time in as many years since their Cinderella cup run it’s become obvious the Oilers are in need of a change. Starting the year GM Kevin Lowe was promoted to president and stricken of his GM duties and after the season ended head coach Craig MacTavish was relieved of his duties. At this point though it seems there will be more than just front office changes coming.
Plan:
The biggest question for the Oilers is the goaltending. Roloson has lost his consistency and signing a goalie of 37 years old to en extended contract is a major risk. Worse is that the goalie market is filled with only guys of his age, so their options are limited. With about $46mm committed already next year there isn’t much spending money, especially if they want a good goalie between the pipes. Barring trades the Oilers don't have much options as they are still bogged down by mistakes Kevin Lowe made during his tenure.


Los Angeles Kings
UFA: Kyle Calder (F), Derek Armstrong (F), Denis Gauthier (D)
RFA: Jack Johnson
Analysis:
The Kings made some good strides this year and continue to field a young team that has a very bright future. They made a respectable push for the playoffs, and had they had stable goaltending and veterans who weren’t underachieving they could have made it. The problem with so many young good players is that when their rookie deal ends they get a lot more expensive, and that is something GM Dean Lombardi needs to be careful of.
Plan:
The Kings only spent enough to make it to the cap floor and have about the same committed for next year. Gauthier and Calder won’t be back and it’s doubtful Armstrong will be either. As they are ready to make a legitimate push into the playoffs now expect the signing of some veteran players, in particular between the pipes. Johnson will be getting a substantial raise, as will some other young players when their rookie deals end, so don't expect any big ticket names to be signing in LA, and if so it won’t be for more than a year or two because cap room in LA will soon be a problem.


Minnesota Wild
UFA: Marion Gaborik (F), Stephan Veilleux (F), Martin Skoula (D), Marc-Andre Bergeron (D), Kurtis Foster (D)
RFA: Benoit Pouliot (D), Josh Harding (G)
Analysis:
Head coach Jacques Lemaire already announced he would not return next season citing both he and the team needed a change. Ownership agreed and upon missing the playoffs fired GM Doug Risebrough. Three major decisions await ownership: find a new GM, find a new coach and decide what to do with Marion Gaborik who seems intent on not resigning with the only team he has ever played for.
Plan:
Attendance and money aren’t a problem in Minnesota, but the stifling defensive style Lemaire used during his tenure pushed free agents away, especially those who liked to score goals. While it will probably be the decision of the new GM on the coach, he should be careful and choose a coach who isn’t so focused on the defensive play and willing to open things up, making it a more desired destination for free agents. I’d say Gaborik leaving would take a big bite out of their offense, but truth is being constantly hurt the Wild are as accustomed to playing without him as they are with. Still signing some offense would probably go along way.


Nashville Predators
UFA: Steve Sullivan (F), Radek Bonk (F), Scott Nichol (F), Greg Devries (D)
RFA:
Analysis:
The Preds have struggled to keep pace with the rest of the league because they are not a rich team and cannot afford big ticket free agent signings. Good drafting has kept them a competitive team but that can only go so far and it showed this year as their lack of overall depth could not match up with the better teams in the West.
Plan:
Unfortunately if a team can’t spend money on free agents they don't have a whole lot of a chance getting better in the offseason. Sullivan has said he will test the free agent waters, which isn’t surprising as he returned after two years of being out of the game from a serious neck injury. Since Paul Kariya left in free agency there has been a scoring void the Predators have been unable to fill and it was an Achilles heel this year. The defense has a good top three with young guys like Shane Weber, Dan Hamhuis and Ryan Suter, but the quality drops pretty far after that. A scoring forward and another top four defenseman are desperately needed, and if they don't get them they will most likely miss the playoffs once again.

Morning Constitutional

---In preparation for the new Star Trek movie, some guidance from the cult classic TV show. Cracked

---All of these are nightmare scenarios, but the last one truly is the 7th circle of Hell. Regretful Morning




Dr. Bummer makes Yinzer Nation proud.



Devo, we need to put this monkey on staff.



Cigarette stays in his mouth the whole time. Thats some quality smokery.

VICTORY

!!!!!!!

L.A. Lakers over Houston Rockets

Um. Wow. So I was going to do my standard NBA Jam analysis of the Lakers and Rockets. But how the hell do you justify Vlade Divac and James Worthy over Hakeem and Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell? Come on. The Lakers will cruise until they have to play a real team. Yao, Artest, and the spectre of Tracy MacGrady doth not a team make. The Lakers cruise. Not because of NBA Jam or anything like that, but come on, the Rockets are supposed to make the conference finals? Bitch, please.
Lakers in 3.

White Boy picks some of the NBA's 2nd round

(2) Boston vs. (3) Orlando- Boston just finished up an emotional and hard fought series against the up and coming bulls. I may have correctly picked the winner of that series but I completely misjudged how much the C's would miss KG. No way their old and tired bodies can make it through a series alive against Behemoth Dwight Howard and his band of sharp shooters like Rashard Lewis, Hedo Turk (no way I am trying to spell the rest of the last name here) and even, ahem J.J. Redick. ORLANDO IN 6




(2) Denver vs. (6) Dallas- Both teams come off easy first round series against injury riddled teams. Dallas hit its stride late in the year winning 11 of 14 going into yesterdays blow out loss in Denver. Still its trade of Devo Harris for J Kidd was still moronic unless it wins a title for Big D. This will not happen. Denver made one of the great trades in NBA history acquiring the greatest leader of Black men since Pat Riley (thank you Chris Rock) Chauncey Billups. This guy has molded together a previously disjointed team of stars. Denver looks like it could even give LA a real fight. DENVER IN 5



White Boy South Bronx

Ok, I'm almost ready to talk hockey again: A Bruins/Canes Preview

CAROLINA HURRICANES

VS


BOSTON BRUINS



There's lots of things I hate in this world. Right now, the first things that come to mind are happy people and people with hair, though usually they are one in the same. With that said, let's direct some of this hate towards the Bruins/Canes series.

Why I Hate the Bruins:

The short answer is easy. A Bruins fan is a Patriots fan is a Red Sox fan.

The long answer is slightly more complex. I've always been a strong believer that the easiest way to hate a team is to find a fan of the team you can't stand and associate them with the team. It's why I hated the Flyers ever since I had an asshole boss from Philly back in high school. It's why I hated the Patriots ever since my roommate who never cleaned the apartment celebrated the 2001 Super Bowl he waited a solid 3 months of his life for. And it's why I hated the Bruins ever since I met Masshole Pete from West Hartford.

Masshole Pete, probably due to being from West Hartford and not Massachusetts Proper, had a massive inferiority complex. This complex allowed him to win arguments by continuing them long after you decided to give up the argument, get a beer, and stumble into a conversation with the fairer sex. The weirdest part about Masshole Pete though was that while all of New England cared about the Red Sox, the Super Bowl winning Patriots or the rejuvenated Pierce/'Twan Celtics, Masshole Pete cared about the Bruins. More specifically, Masshole Pete was a big Joe Thornton fan, and not a year went by without a guarantee by said douchebag that Thornton, ever the clutch player, would lead the Bruins to a Stanley Cup victory. And yeah, it was fun to watch Masshole Pete cry as the '03 Devils ended Thornton's run in the first round. And when Masshole Pete decided to become a Celtics fan for the Nets/Celtics playoff series a few weeks later? Yeah, that was kinda sweet too.

Thank you Masshole Pete for giving me a reason to hate the least hateable Boston team.

Why I Hate the Canes

This is easy.

First, let's start with some basic science: EVERY PERSON FROM NORTH CAROLINA IS INBRED. I know what you're thinking: Hey Devo, the Carolina fans aren't the only inbred hockey fans, are they? No kind reader, they're not. There's a word for this type of acceptable inbred hockey fans: Canadians. We accept them because they gave us hockey, and we let them keep their little corner of North America, but other than that, we don't let them make any decisions after they collectively decided "You know what would get us ratings? Putting the NHL on VS!"

Second, CAROLINIANS KNOW NASCAR, NOT HOCKEY. Every time they cheer an offsides call thinking that they're about to get a power play, I die a little bit inside. Next issue.

Lastly, and most importantly, some towns, deserve a hockey team, Carolina does not. The Rangers and Flyers are slightly more popular than a swine-flu-infested Adolf Hitler here at SUS, but at least on some level, deep down in places that we don't talk about at cocktail parties, we want them on that wall of hate. We NEED them on that wall. And so while I'd sooner declare my allegiance to President Limbaugh than the Flyers, Rangers, Bruins, etc...there's at least a certain amount of legitimacy that each of these teams possess by playing in a hockey town. Carolina? Not so much.

Prediction-Boston in 5.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wipe off the stench that comes from rooting for a Boston team.

Dont bet on the Cowboys.

I think its pretty clear who Jesus isnt pulling for in the NFC East this year...

A Tale of Two Cities

Vancouver:
Despite being the bank robbery capital of North America, Vancouver seems to be a lovely place, full of over-priced condos and heroin addicted junkies getting high on the taxpayers dime. What more could you want?





Chicago:
Look, I loved my time in Chicago, fantastic town. But I lived an undeniably lily-white exisitence on the North Side. I worked a couple blocks from Oprah, my boss had a 13th floor condo overlooking the lake. Heres a stat for the rest of the city:

314 US Soldiers killed in Iraq in 2008
509 People Murdered in Chicago in 2008

Also, the corruption capital of the country. Even the residents love it!



So, in summation, Vancouver wins this. It also helps that they are a better team. They will probably win.

BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT,

They, in the end, are a bunch of filthy dirty stinking Canadians. Fuck them.

Chicago makes America proud in 7.

The Alexander Ovechkin Theme Song

NHL Playoff: Detroit vs Anaheim

Detroit Red Wings (2)

VS

Anaheim Ducks (8)

What the hell is a Red Wing anyways? Do you know how hard it is to find a mock picture that has to do with "Red Wings"? Seriously, type it into a google image search and see if you can find a good picture to use. It makes this post tougher. Thanks assholes.

Anyways, after their surprising trouncing of the President’s Trophy winner San Jose Sharks (who I thought would be good enough to choke at least in the second round), the Anaheim Ducks get to take on the Red Wings, who to no surprised treated the Columbus Blue Jackets like they were practice.

Forwards
Detroit is filled with all stars, and they're not the one dimensional types. The main firepower comes from Zetterberg, Hossa and Datsyuk and they are supported by the likes of grinders Holmstrom and Franzen. Anaheim isn’t a slouch having Getzlaf, Ryan and Selanne, but they aren’t quite the caliber of Detroit’s. Furthermore the Red Wings are carrying more all around depth at forward, not having a real weak spot. Advantage: Detroit.

Defensemen
Anaheim’s defense anchored by Niedermayer and Pronger is well known for bringing them in a cup victory, and at the deadline they traded for additional depth in Wisniewski and Whitney. The return of Beauchemin is a plus too. Detroit has one of the best defenseman of this generation in Lidstrom supported by Rafalski, Stuart and Kronwall. It’s pretty evenly matched here, but I think Detroit’s system gives them the edge. Advantage: Detroit.

Goaltending
Jonas Hiller has filled in quite well for the injured Giguere, who probably won’t get a start until Hiller falters. When you can rely on your back up to beat the top team in the league you’ve got a good thing going. The Red Wings though are lacking. The starter position has switched hands all year between Conklin and Osgood, neither really able to do good for extended periods. If the team in front of Osgood wasn’t so good last year, no way he is able to take the Red Wings far. Advantage: Anaheim.


Coaching
Both Carlyle and Babcock have a Stanley Cup under their belts, and they won one after the other. Despite a rough season Anaheim has pulled through while Detroit has managed to keep plugging along as a top team in the league. Still both are good coaches you’d like to have behind the bench. Advantage: Even.

Prediction

Anaheim shouldn’t be ruled out, but unless they find a way to constantly attack Osgood and put the series on his shoulders, I think Detroit has too much depth and talent for them. Detroit in 6.

Reason to Cheer for Anaheim: the underdogs, you can’t enough of the city of Detroit being miserable, to spite Brian Burke who left mid-year for Toronto
Reason to Cheer for Detroit: you can’t bring yourself to cheer for a team called “The Ducks”, you want something good to happen in that city for once.

Reason to Cheer against Anaheim: you’re a Sharks fan, they could have done better than “Ducks” when they changed their name
Reason to Cheer against Detroit: Chris Chelios, they won last year, you’re a Pens fan who is still pissed at Hossa, it’s the RedWings

A Late Preview to Penguins / Capitals

So I missed posting this before game 1 yesterday. My bad. With that in min, here's an abbreviated post on a preview that's already 1-0 Craps.

Forwards
On paper I would give this to the Penguins but there's a slight caveat to this. The Washington forwards continuously have played better against the Penguins. Whether it be schmucks like Chris Clark, Brooks Laich or David Steckel, one of the 3rd or 4th liners always seem to score a huge goal against the Penguins. Once these guys score than you are behind the old 8 ball because no matter how much you try to Ovechkin, Semin and Backstrom, they will get their points. They never come out flat in the past two seasons. The Penguins still only rely on Crosby and Malkin. The wingers for the Penguins have been horrendous and unless Jordan Staal and the 3rd line become factors again, this could be a quick series. Petr Sykora and Ruslan Fedotenko have been worthless for Evgeni Malkin.

Advantage: Washington.

Defensemen
The Caps have a good young defensive core. Mike Green gets all the headlines but is atrocious in his own end. Ditto Shaone Morrison. Tom Poti has played well this season but is still prone to the dreaded brainfartitis, Milan Jurcina and Erskine are solid in their own end but won't provide much in the offensive zone. Caps get a big boost with the return of Brian Pothier. Penguins have Gonchar and Letang for offense and Eaton, Gill, Scuderi and Orpik for defense. Mark Eaton has scored 3 goals in the playoffs already and has been big in both ends of the ice.

I like Pittsburgh here overall.

Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Goaltending
Simeon Varlamov was the story of game 1 and is the key to the Capitals success this series. He isn't a world beater yet but he is young and has some clutch built in him. Far different than Jose Theodore. He is prone to the horrendous goal but so is his counterpart, Marc Andre Fleury. Fleury has been clutch when needed but still has poor rebound control after 6 years in the league. He still has the athleticism to curb some of those but he needs to bottle up the rebounds. Fleury has struggled against Washington in his career but I still give him the edge in experience.

Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Prediction

As stated above, the Caps gear up for the Penguins more so than the Penguins gear up for the Capitals. I have no scientific basis for this or any stats that back this up. Their were stretches against the Rangers, where if the Caps played like that, the Pens would blow them out of the water. Even at game 1, the Penguins dominated for the first 10 minutes but still found themselves down at the end of the 1st. Penguins also need to steal a game in Washington were the Caps are much better.

Washington in 6

At Least We're Not Detroit

Since I'm sure you all enjoyed the first one so much... I'll beat Devo to the punch on this one... Part 2 in the Cleveland tourism series....

SWINE FLU MADNESS

What the hell type of shit is this. It's amazing outside. The girls are out. The dudes are out. Places are filled again. The Park is loaded. The streets are filled. Life's good.

Until word that some punk kids who went to Mexico have now brought some mutant disease with them which has now infected half of Queens and sent the nation and this city in a panic. Literally, everyone is talking about the Swine Flu. It's become the new topic at the water cooler. With every passing sick day, the Swine Flu witch hunt is in full effect. Does he have the swine flu is echoe'd throughout the halls. But think about all the other nonsense.

Do you really want to ride the subway now? Who knows who or what touched the railing your putting your hand on. It's pure madness and is for the record, driving me insane. I've seen various individuals walking around with masks and wearing gloves. Is this a movie? Will some of us turn into zombies? Will we the infected have to be quarantined?

The flu apparently lives on surfaces for up to 72 hours so things like dollar bills can carry it for 3 days. Not to mention doorknobs in public buildings, faucet knobs, hand rails on a bus or subway. To top it off it's a totally new strain and we know very little about it. Course some heads are saying wah wah wah we'll be fine but DUDE we know nothing about it. Do people get that Spring Break more or less happened across the country in the last 2-3 weeks. This is going to spread like wild fire from anyone who went to Mexico for spring break.


So pardon me, as I bid thee adieu and run off to the mountains of Pennsylvania where I'll hide for few weeks. Actually screw it, there are two game 7s tonight. And no spawn of the baconator is going to keep me away.

Man you yinzers are gonna love this bitch...

Cue Girl From Cleveland's failed attempt to defend her town in 5...4...3...2...1...

What grinds my gears: Self Yankee hatred edition

1)Brian Cashman should be fired as he is an inept and incompetent general manager- The sox get Beckett and Schilling and we get Pavano and Randy Johnson. They develop John Lester and Dustin Masterson, we develop the biggest first round bust in recent memory in Phillip Hughes and lost cause Ian Kennedy. We spend 8 gazillion dollars this off season and the Sox spend a meager 14 million. More than anything though, if you have the highest payroll by leaps and bounds in a sport, you should be the best team every year, at least during the regular season. Brian Cashman has not done anything better than Isaiah Thomas, he just has a limitless payroll to fall back on. It’s time to move on to a new head of baseball operations.

2) I love you to death Mo but can you start
struggling against a team other than Boston- As my recent face book entry of
“my 5 favorite athletes” demonstrates, I love you Mo. But must you only struggle against Boston. Can’t you shift that over to say the Royals or White Sox. That home run you gave up Friday night was by far the worst regular season Yankee moment I have ever experienced. That implosion you had in 2007 was pretty awful too but this was with 1 out away from a game 1 win. I know you pride yourself on your pinpoint control but would it kill you to walk Bay or hope he swings at a pitch out of the zone rather than throw a get me over fastball.

3) Burnett had me believing but now I stopped- Many apologies to Journey but I have indeed stopped believing in you AJ Burnett. With a 6-0 lead through 3.5 innings on Saturday all seemed right with the world. We had our ace, our stopper, pitching in a place where he hadn’t allowed an earned run since Mark Walberg was Marky Mark (I would hate your guts if not for Entourage). Then, with the bases loaded and 2 outs, Posada makes one of the worst pitching calls I have ever seen. Varitek is a dead red hitter. I have never once seem him hit an off speed pitch hard. If you throw him sliders and curve balls, he has no chance to succeed especially with the movement on those pitches that AJ boasts. Yet Jorge calls a get me over fastball and Varitek hit a ball that has not landed yet and the 6-1 lead is all but gone as was any chances of his pathetic team winning the game. Oh btw, there is no law prohibiting AJ from settling down after this bad inning and going 7 innings and keeping his team in good position to win. However, AJ proceeds to give up 3 more runs and embarrass himself and Yankee fans everywhere. The rest of the game was inevitably going to go the Sox way as they have a far superior middle relief corps and clutch hitting club.

4) Can somebody get a clutch hit on this team?- It seems that both NY teams have the same problem, they have nobody that can get a clutch hit. My club seems to be allergic to getting runners in from 3rd whether it is with 2 outs or even 0 outs as we saw during that debacle on Friday night. I don’t buy the sabormetrician argument that hitting with runners in scoring position is just a flukey thing or a product of randomness. There is a reason this team has not hit at all in the clutch since the beginning of last year. That reason is………..

5) Giradi shouldn’t be fired because this team is not his fault but still………. Don’t get me wrong, this team’s ineptitude does not fall even 1/3 on Girardi. At least 65% of this team’s shortcomings are a direct result of Cashman’s horrible decision making. Still, Girardi seems to have his players tight and anxious. People complain about the Yankees since 2004 but the teams of 05-07 were very clutch in the regular season. They frequently made gallant comebacks and got huge walk off home runs. Since Torre has left, the team seems to be less relaxed and significantly more streaky. I think Giradi manages a bullpen much better than Torre but otherwise he kind of sucks so far. I’ll give him till mid June to have his team 10-15 over 500. If not, in the words of Michael Kay SEE YA!

A life lesson from the NFL draft

This is the story about a naive, if fairly balding 26 year old. He believed in things like "treating others like you would want them to treat you," "never lie," and "Santa Claus." So when Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum and the rest of the Jets brass essentially said "we're comfortable with Erik Ainge, Brett Ratliff, and Kellen Clemens," this blogging CEO innocently assumed that the Jets saw something in Ainge, Ratliff, and/or Clemens. But now, with Tannenbaum perpetrating a lie and trading Ratliff and some picks for Mark Sanchez? I don't know what to believe in anymore...

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

You've GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!

He couldn't win the starting job over John David Booty at USC, how the hell is he going to make it in the NFL?!?!

COLOSSAL MISTAKE

Because I Like Using This Picture

More to come later on this series and other.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Here's to the Jets drafting that prize winning fullback in the 1st...

It's Simple Math...

+

=

Draft the local guy, Kenny Reese!

FUCK

Well I guess we can cross off the Steelers and Cardinals for winning anything this year. Why can't TAWM BRADY be on the damn cover?

Morning Constitutional

I guess I dont have to worry about copyright infringement if the paper doesn't exist anymore, right?

-Scientific research at its most useful(Mahatma take note): Sloshspot

-This is half "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" and half Wes Anderson movie. Needless to say, its a primer if you are going to North Brooklyn anytime soon. Look At This Fucking Hipster

-SUS is now officially the second-coolest Twatter. KFUCKINGP

-For a bunch of stoners, this was really well coordinated. Guy filming needs to calm down tho. Smoking Parachute Dash

-Talent comes in many forms. Totallycrap

This ones for the ladies.

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Dude, I miss going to hippie festivals. They are pretty much the only place left where the rules of modern life don't apply. Though it's apparently still illegal to have a comically small penis in California. Dont taze me bro!

BWAHAHAHA

Did this set back the Civil Rights movement by 20-30 years? Probably. But let's be honest, it was overrated anyways.

Props to Barstool Sports for finding this.

A few thoughts about the series that is captivating a nation: Devils/Canes

-Call BS if you want, but while I was watching the third period, I didn't care if the Devils won the game or not. What mattered was this: a) The Canes needed the game more than the Devils, and b) the Devils, with the Canes playing their best hockey imaginable, outshooting the Devils 37-17 through two periods, kept the game tied for most of the final 10 minutes of regulation. This is different from the '05 series when the Canes were clearly the better team and should be the reason the Devils win this bitch.

-After the winnning goal, especially after the review proved it to be a good goal, I had a moment where I got to be Vince Vaughn. And if that's not entirely true, I did get to yell "earmuffs" so that my 9 year old cousin wouldn't hear me curse.

-One of two things will now happen.

a) the Devils will be pissed off in a 'on a mission to fuck those who tried to fuck us' sort of thing, and they'll win in 6.

or

b) the Devils, composure lost, will lose in 6.

I'm calling that Brodeur, on a mission a la Patrick Roy in Devs/Avs of '01, gets angry and gets on his game and Devils take this bitch in 6. Bring on Ovechkin or Crosby!

Happy 50th Birthday Tito

Leader of Men

WTF

Bill Cowhard is a Hurricane fan.

Bill Cowher at a home playoff game... Not a win.

Fuck the Draft

This shit has gotten out of hand. Once upon a time, the draft was an opportunity to restock after in-season steroid abuse and off-season alcohol abuse depleted your roster. The draft was something like 20 rounds long and BAC was taken as an important measurement for scouting.

Look what they did to poor golden boy! Ill bet he had a big smile on his face after the anal probe portion of the combine.

Now, however, the draft resembles a stock show or a slave auction, except everyone picked in the first 3 rounds becomes a millionaire, admittedly a considerably better deal for the participants. All potential draftees are poked, prodded, quizzed, examined, analyzed, objectified, and anally probed(probably). Hundreds of thousands of dollars are spent on scouts to watch tape, watch games live, interview players friends and families, examine the tire pressure in their cars and do paternity tests on all potential bastard children. And what do you get for all that? Theres still a 50% shot your 1st-3rd round pick will suck donkey balls and it only gets worse the lower the picks go.

But its understandable for the teams to go crazy, theres gonna be probably 2-3 guys getting $30mil in guaranteed money next week and a whole lot of other guys who are gonna be making more than Devo can get you in court for a slip-and-fall in front of the deli counter at Pathmark. Theres a lot invested in these guys. What doesn't make sense is why we fans go crazy for the draft. Listening to the hype about these guys, you would think every first rounder will be the biggest star on their team come September. But really, these guys will be carrying Gus Frerotte's and Terry Cousin's luggage and getting duct taped to goalposts all summer. We spend so much time ingesting hype, we lose all perspective about these rookies. Rare is the Matt Ryan or Ben Roethlisberger story. Much more often, guys have trouble adjusting to the NFL, get panned, everyone forgets about them then something clicks or they get traded and they make their way back up to starter status.

Sucking the blood out of our brains, where we need it most.

So we go crazy over an event which we will not really know the results of for at least a couple of years, BUT WE DO IT EVERY YEAR! Because the hype must be maintained year round, there is a whole industry supporting the draft now. I used to think it was ridiculous that this one event could support Mel Kiper Jr. year round. Now, in addition, theres Todd McShay and any number of other self described experts who are pretty much terrible at their jobs. But they don't let that stop them, and why should they? Their cousins in the news industry, the professional Hardball and O'Reilly guests, have made inane bloviation a supposedly admirable art form. Those people are actually doing real harm to the country with their retarded opinions. At least the football guys are only hurting the (mostly) already mentally challenged.

The infamous 2007 Kiper/McShay Draft Day Hair Trade.

"So BH, what set off this messianic truth-telling rant?"
Good question. The world is so chock full of mock drafts, previous year draft analysis and debates about how the Lions will screw up this draft, you'd think the well was dry. Enter Thomas Neumann with what even he admits is a stupid idea: the mock draft of past draftees by current teams. It essentially boils down to "Which Hall-of-Famer would your team pick based on their current needs?". This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever read. There is not even a tenuous connection to reality here. This mock draft attempts to tear a hole in the time-space continuum. I used to be a little self-conscious about not having cable anymore. Sure, I miss out from time to time on sporting events, but 95% of what I miss is this verbal diarrhea that unceasingly spews from the mouths of these half-wits.

The hype must be stopped. ESPN must be stopped. The NFL must be stopped. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DRAFT ANYMORE. Ill be watching baseball.

Call me when the real football starts.

All this talk about Basketball...

The last time Yinzer remember liking basketball was this:

#2 Denver Nuggets vs #7 New Orleans Hornets

Here we have a great case of cheerleader squads fitting their teams perfectly. New Orleans brings the heat with a great assist game, you never know exactly where the next great booty shot will come from. The Honeybees are a great all-around squad with some nice young leaders.
















And now for one of the most exciting squads in the league. Some may fault the Nuggets for a lack of consistent fire, but what can you expect when their dance/cheerleader squad is always mixing things up with new costumes.























The bottom line: Denvers flashy creativity with outfits will bewilder simple Southern folk like the Hornets and Honeybees. Nuggets win in 6.