The Atlantic Division

The Atlantic division in hockey is quite possibly the greatest division in hockey. And this is not just because how good each team is. No, one of its greatest assets is that every team hates each other to some extent. Even the teams that aren’t considered rivals still have a distaste for one another. And with this distaste comes perceptions of the other teams portrayed by the fans, so you might wonder “what does the rival team really think of us?” This is what I think it would be like.


New Jersey Devils
[snore] Oh, sorry, I fell asleep again, but that’s the Devils for you. So boring is this team they are now the leading prescription sleeping aid given out in the New York/ New Jersey Area. After killing hockey in the 90’s with their defensive style, they continue to try and undo all the offense the post lockout rules have created, and are succeeding. This will be the case while Lou Lamoriello, the Devil himself (not to mention a douchebag that fires a coach that won you the division a few games before the playoffs), is the GM of the team. Damn this team! Damn them to hell!

Oh, and way to fill you’re your brand spankin’ new arena jagoffs. You have the most kick ass scoreboard and all it ever shows are empty red seats.


New York Islanders
Hello, hello, hello. Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? [silence ensues] Guess not. Ownership and Mike Milbury have made this franchise the butt end of most hockey jokes and rightfully so. Their old shitty arena hasn’t been filled in years, and no one really seems to care. Milbury traded away supreme talent for nothing, and owner Charles Wang is pulling antics on a regular basis, and even suggested bringing in a sumo wrestler because they are big and can clog up the net. Yet they wonder why no one wants to come to the games…

And because I can: fish sticks.


New York Rangers
They helped ruin the NHL economic landscape with their massive contracts pre-lockout, screwing basically everyone else in the league. Luckily they were idiots in that they gave it to the wrong people. They didn’t learn their lesson from before and handed out massive cap killing deals to Chris Drury and Scott Gomez in the off season. You would think they would take the hint this strategy didn’t work in the past, but alas they do not. But please, keep on doing it, it hasn’t worked yet.

And what the hell is with that fight song? It sounds like a gay owl’s mating call or something.


Philadelphia Flyers
What assholes. These cheap-shotting, dirty pricks are always looking to injure the other team more than they are to score goals. What do you expect when an inspiration to the franchise is Bobby “Sweep the Leg” Clarke? They are refilling their ranks with the likes of Steve “Aim for the Head” Downie, though amazingly traded away Ben “I’ve got Huge Balls When Your Back is Turned” Eager. They’ve injured and received as many suspensions this year than nearly the entire league combined. But hey, this is what the city is known for right? Interesting concept of brotherly love they have.


Pittsburgh Penguins
God damn pansies. They go out there every night skating circles around other teams defense trying to score fancy goals. When they don’t they whine and complain. I’m sick of these guys trying to look cool and never hitting anybody, just running away or spazzing on people. And it’s bad enough we had to deal with them landing Mario Lemieux but now they got Sidney Crosby too. WTF, do they just shit out superstars when they need them? And here’s a helpful hint when it comes to winning: you need defense to do it!