Saturday, May 10, 2008

Corporate Stoogery Volume 3: Stupid Office Words

You know what I hate? Ok besides the Rangers and Sean Avery, Ravens, Bungles, Flyers, Patriots, etc. It’s those god damn corporate vocabulary users. You know the ones. The ones that prance around the office acting all big and bad and just saying some really lame words. Here’s a list of some of my favorite fingernail-on-chalkboard words that piss me off:

Putting out Fires – unless you are a fire fighter this phrase should not be echoed in the office. Look I know you like to think you are a hero because your client wanted a PDF instead of a word document but Jesus Christ, get over yourself.

Circling the Wagons – I’m sorry wtf is wagon who the fuck circles it. This isn’t the Oregon Trail and sorry nobody uses WAGONS anymore. Lewis and Clark are not walking through that door anytime soon neither should this phrase.

EOD/COB -- who the fuck says these things. The best is getting one of these requests at like 6:00 pm. By that logic, the day should be over and I should be walking home but no. The only COB I like has corn on it and it’s going to stay that way.

Too Much On My Plate – again can’t you just say you are busy? It makes you sound like you are out at one of those super buffets after about the 2nd helping of mashed taters and mac n’ cheese.

Self Starter – uh okay what the hell is this? Last time I checked, a self starter is defined as:


1. An electric motor used to start an internal-combustion engine

So next time someone asks you to be a self starter, tell them to go hit up Advanced Autoparts.

Bandwidth – this should only refer to Network and server work. Saying you don’t have the bandwidth to do something refers to what? Your network adapter? Gtfo!!!

Offline – working in the horribly retarded advertising word, I heard this gem recently: "Hey XXX, we need to call Client #5 about this.” We'll deal with that offline, when this meeting's over." Who says this shit? If someone told me that I would politely SLAP THEM IN THE FACE. Apparently it means, we’ll speak to him in person but come the fuck on people. Stop sounding important and come to grips with your mid level desk job.

Ping – “Hey Mahatma, Ping Me when you get back to your desk.” “HEY DOUCHEBAG FUCK OFF.”

“Taking one for the team”! – This one pisses me off because that usually implies that I will be staying late and or doing someone else’s job while they go home.

Reach out – unless said recipient is dangling off a cliff, there is no reason to reach out to them.

Wearing different hats – This line is relevant only if you are talking to Turtle from Entourage or you work at Lids, otherwise this is stupid and you sound like an asshat. Thanks I’m here all week.

Proactive – I get this a lot. Hey Mahatma, you need to be more proactive. I guess I’m not because the only thing I can think about when I hear this word is Jessica Simpson’s acne problem.

Niche – I am sooooo sick of hearing what our “niche” is!!!!! Who cares……give me my paycheck.

I hate “Just want to put this on your radar.” A former boss used it a thousand times a day- and I feel certain that we were neither an airport nor any type of air defense company.

I will shoot you an e-mail.” – How about you just shoot yourself in the face but before shove that email up your ass.

I need a soft copy of that – what the hell is a soft copy??!?!?!?!

What’s the ETA? - Seriously, ETA? More of these parallels to Air traffic control. Why don't you call JFK and find out, ya fuck.

Touching Base – Now this is just perverted. I’d like to keep my base far away from your hands thank you very much unless of course you are Scarlett Johansson. Than you can touch base with me all night long!

So SUS nation which stupid office words piss you off?

1 comment:

devo said...

UNIONS. Let me get paid first before you start demanding a dental plan.

Btw, solid article. Mahatma, one day a local middle schooler will give in to your sexual advances and you're going to be content with your life. At that point, you'll become a boring person. Until then, it's great to see you put your bitterness to good use.