Devo tries to expose Sportscenter. A traitor in our midst alerts SC, wastes an hour of Devo's time by being sort of classy.

Ever since I've embarked on my career as a mind-bottling anti-Buzz Bissinger blogger, I've wanted to write an article about how Sportscenter has dumbed itself down from the old days of The Big Show with Dan and Keith and the Craig and Karl feel good show. Well instead of waxing poetic, I figured I'd just do a diary of a random weekday sportscenter. I was hoping to do a day with NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs and a full MLB slate, but there was no hockey. Or hell, there may have been NHL playoffs, but because it wasn't on Sportscenter, it might as well have not existed.

The original plan also included calling out the Sportscenter anchors for their stupid and pointless homerun calls. But unfortunately, none really came, in spite of Devo's Dumbasses' Joey Votto's 3 dingers. Anyways, here it is, me, a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee (my first coffee in two months), and SportsCenter, with Steve Levy and John Anderson as the hosts.

9:01 Lakers/Utah highlights. No stupid sayings, are the SC anchors as tired as I am? Come on John Anderson, you're below this level of dignity, I know you are.

9:03 Post game conference thoughts on Kobe:
1. "We have great team unity" (my how far we've come from the trade demands of yesteryear) 2. His daughters are with him! How can someone with two cute daughters in afro puffs have raped a woman in Denver?

9:05-Pistons/Magic highlights. Nice butterfly stance by Chauncey Billups. Unfortunately, he's a point guard, not a goalie. Mrs. Billups won't be happy about that. Neither will Chauncey's goomahs.

9:08-Yanks/Cleveland highlights before Spygate? Oh, right, the game was on ESPN last night. Viva self-promotion! And is there any doubt that Cliff Lee will test positive for either messing with the ball or for roids/HGH?

9:10-ESPN asks, should we just give Cliff Lee the Cy Young? No. Not when there's an HGH suspension in his future. Ah, gotta love baseball in the new millenium: Everyone's a suspect!

9:11-Spygate. Oooh, Spygate, at 9:11? Here's to you, conspiracy theorists. Greg Aiello, League Spokesman, basically goes Denny Green, saying, "These tapes are what we thought they were." Can one crown tapes? Is that possible?

9:14- Carlos Gomez homered and John Anderson called it like a standard HR, nothing special. Come on people! I didn't do this diary just to note the adequate and almost classy job of SC anchors!

9:15-Ah, Joey Votto's 3 hrs. I'm kvelling like a proud papa as Devo's Dumbasses' own Votto kicks ass and take names. Props to anyone who can define the Yiddish word without clicking on the link.

9:17-7 home runs, and nothing stupid and obnoxious from John Anderson. Is it possible that Sportscenter knew that SUS would be going undercover to infiltrate their awful home run calls? Maybe. And more importantly, who's the traitor in SUS' ranks who's giving away our secrets? Looking your way, White Boy.

9:19-Are we sure that Magglio Ordonez doesn't spend his offseason filming porn? A funny lookin fella.

9:20-Blown save by Papelboner, aka the man who is doing everything in his power to ruin the Dropkick Murphys for me. Serves you right, douchebag. I liked the Murphys first.

9:21-Nats lose. In other news, US invades Iraq, Man walks on Moon, Eve eats apple, etc...

9:22-Took Sportscenter 22 minutes to talk about Spurs/Hornets. How long before they overhype Chris Paul so much that I'm forced to hate him? I give it a calendar year.

9:23-Interview with Lebron on ESPN. If you look at him long enough, you can actually visualize the Cavs jersey becoming a Brooklyn Nets jersey.

9:28-Angel Pagan with a nice catch in leftfield for the Mets. Oh my god...could it be...THERE'S AN ANGEL IN THE OUTFIELD! Thank you, thank you, you're a terrific audience, try the shrimp.

9:29-Nice catch by the deadbeat dad in Dodger Stadium, not letting his new born get in the way of his living a lifelong dream and catching Ryan Church's hr. The guy who caught the field goal in the Bears game is calling this guy a deadbeat.

9:30-I know that the Rockies were in the world series last year. But I still have no idea who 2/3 of their starters are.

9:31-If you're Barry Zito and give up 2 runs in 5 innings but lose to the Pirates, can it really be considered a quality start?

9:32-SportsCenter RIGHT NOW. Basically a recap of the evening's top highlights, implying that all of the highlights were basically included in the first 30 minutes of this show. Why are weekday Sportscenters more than a 30 minute show again?

9:34-All this talk about Chauncey Billups really makes me want to name my first born son Chauncey. He'll blend right in with the other kids at his hebrew school.

9:35-LSU All-Access spring preview. John Anderson just said that LSU begins their season in 114 days. BUT HERE WE ARE WITH A PREVIEW OF THEIR OFFSEASON AND SOME PRACTICE FOOTAGE. I asked this 3 minutes ago, and I'll ask again: Why can't SC be a 30 minute show again?

9:36-In other news LSU are the defending national champions. Am I the only one who didn't automatically know this? In other news, I asked BH who won the BCS Title last year, and he said Florida. So I guess I'm not the only one. Words can't explain how little I care about LSU's practices. BH will claim that he was misquoted, but I have Matt Walsh-type proof of this.

9:39-Steve Levy reports that Cedric Benson just got traded to the Bengals. Just kidding.

9:44-Mark it kids. 44 minutes into SportsCenter, a hockey discussion. Paul Maurice got fired. And that's your hockey for this show. Seriously. Thanks SC for your willingness to sacrifice ratings for those precious few minutes.

9:49-Just seen on the ticker: Steve Francis exercised his option for next year with the Rockets. You can almost hear the collective Houston groan in Maryland

9:51-Tony "Dude, my last name doesn't begin with an H" Romo tried to qualify for the PGA US Open, and failed like he was playing the Giants in January. If we had a SUS intern, their job would've been to pull a Stuttering John, sneak into the press conference, and ask Romo: "Mr. Romo, I missed it last year, but did you guys win the Super Bowl? No? How did your season end? Really? The Giants? How did it end, a Strahan sack? A Plax TD? As long as it's not an R.W McQuarters interception, I guess it's socially acceptable. Oh, really? It was? Sorry. Well at least the Patriots took revenge for you against the Giants in the Super Bowl." Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. Sorry, that needed to be said. To paraphrase Eddie Vedder, no doubt talking about the Giants, "It's already been said, but it can't be said enough. Super Bowl Champions." Meanwhile, this isn't news, but I'm 72% sure that DD iced coffee is laced with crack. I don't want to make any accusations, but let's just say I've spent the last half hour rotating between shivering and sweating.

9:54-Eli Manning Super Bowl Winning Quarterback. Brandon Jacobs/Ahmad Bradshaw, Super Bowl Champion running backs. Plaxico Burress, Super Bowl Champion Wide receiver. James Butler, Super Bowl Champion Safety. I need to stop. The iced coffee is kicking in like a motherfucker now. But I'm just saying. Super Bowl Champions.