With this holiday comes an entire month of snow, credit card max outs, fat guys in red suits and the same two dozen songs on the radio going 24/7. Also including are a host of Christmas movies that we all love and enjoy. And while many revolve around claymation dating back to our parent’s childhoods, and some films with a guy named Jimmy Stewart and have to do with “Christmas spirit”, there are alternatives out there to these classics. So Yinzer Clause is here to bring holiday cheer by giving you films to watch during the holiday season. Ho ho ho mofo’s.
A Christmas Story
Despite being about the same age as myself, this movie continues to be great. How can we forget the leg lamp, "you'll shoot your eye" and the triple dog dare, along with a host of other great lines and moments. Even after all these years you don't get sick of it (though only showing it one month out of the year helps). If you miss is once, don't worry, cause TNT plays it for an entire day straight. Oh, and the actress that plays the kind, caring and straight edge mom? She’s topless in the movie Slapshot, so just remember that as you watch it. Yinzer's Favorite Line: You'll shoot your eye out.
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
The funniest Christmas comedy period. Building on the Vacation franchise, this is easily the best installment. Amplified are the nightmares of out-of-town in-laws visiting, and everything that can go wrong does. Randy Quaid seems to be born for his role (which, in a way, is kind of sad) and Chevy Chase is at his best in this movie. There are few slow parts in this movie, and it never ceases to get old. And who doesn’t want to go into the rant Chevy Chase did about his boss? Great movie. Yinzer's Favorite Line: (to his boss's entourage) Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Bad Santa
Yet another comedy, but a damn good one. Billy Bob Thornton is a foul mouth drunk that is more interested in banging chicks and drinking than accomplishing his goals (not that those are bad substitutes by any means). Ok, he may actually have it better than us. While not very Christmas-y in itself, it does take place during Christmas, and it is called Bad Santa. This isn't one for the kids, but that’s one of the things that make it so great. (Oh, and the uncut Bad’er Santa isn’t a whole lot different if you’re wondering).
Yet another comedy, but a damn good one. Billy Bob Thornton is a foul mouth drunk that is more interested in banging chicks and drinking than accomplishing his goals (not that those are bad substitutes by any means). Ok, he may actually have it better than us. While not very Christmas-y in itself, it does take place during Christmas, and it is called Bad Santa. This isn't one for the kids, but that’s one of the things that make it so great. (Oh, and the uncut Bad’er Santa isn’t a whole lot different if you’re wondering). Yinzer's Favorite Line: I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Die Hard 1 & 2
Now, you're probably wondering "how the hell can you put two of the Die Hards here?" Well, I never specified any requirements to be a Christmas movie, and these two do take place on Christmas. Not your average Christmas movie with terrorists and people getting shot left and right, but it is a nice change of pace from the standard comedies or the old boring drama's like Miracle on 34th short. Screw "every time a bell rings an angel get's it wings" I'd rather hear "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" And Die Hard 2 can be summed up in a single line: "How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?!"
The Ref
A little known movie starring Dennis Leary and the then-unknown Kevin Spacey about a burglar that kidnaps a dysfunctional couple (think your parents). In order to fool the police looking for him, he needs to pretend to be their marriage counselor and fool the whole (small) town. Well, you know Leary's brand of comedy and this is no different. Kevin Spacey does a great job (think of Lester Burnham in a constantly pissed off mood) and the completely dysfunctional family is funny throughout, the only real sappy and boring parts are near the end. There are some classic lines in this movie, in addition to the one below. I suggest you seek this one out.
Gremlins
When I was a kid, I thought “man, what a bunch of assholes.” Now when I watch Gremlins, I think “man, these guys are awesome!” The Gremlins are complete pricks, but that’s why we love them. They’re like a mischievous Looney Toons character taken to the extreme, just in general fucking with everyone. Of course, we’d like to forget that whole sequel where somehow both the high point and low point of the movie was the Hulk Hogan cameo.
Yinzer's Favorite Line: I'm just gonna go with everytime the Gremlin's laugh cause they messed up someone's day
He-Man Christmas Special
I honestly don't know how I even remembered this thing existed, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyways.
Now, you're probably wondering "how the hell can you put two of the Die Hards here?" Well, I never specified any requirements to be a Christmas movie, and these two do take place on Christmas. Not your average Christmas movie with terrorists and people getting shot left and right, but it is a nice change of pace from the standard comedies or the old boring drama's like Miracle on 34th short. Screw "every time a bell rings an angel get's it wings" I'd rather hear "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" And Die Hard 2 can be summed up in a single line: "How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?!" Yinzer's Favorite Line: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! (like it could actually be anything else)
The Ref
A little known movie starring Dennis Leary and the then-unknown Kevin Spacey about a burglar that kidnaps a dysfunctional couple (think your parents). In order to fool the police looking for him, he needs to pretend to be their marriage counselor and fool the whole (small) town. Well, you know Leary's brand of comedy and this is no different. Kevin Spacey does a great job (think of Lester Burnham in a constantly pissed off mood) and the completely dysfunctional family is funny throughout, the only real sappy and boring parts are near the end. There are some classic lines in this movie, in addition to the one below. I suggest you seek this one out.Yinzer's Favorite Line: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.
Gremlins
When I was a kid, I thought “man, what a bunch of assholes.” Now when I watch Gremlins, I think “man, these guys are awesome!” The Gremlins are complete pricks, but that’s why we love them. They’re like a mischievous Looney Toons character taken to the extreme, just in general fucking with everyone. Of course, we’d like to forget that whole sequel where somehow both the high point and low point of the movie was the Hulk Hogan cameo. Yinzer's Favorite Line: I'm just gonna go with everytime the Gremlin's laugh cause they messed up someone's day
He-Man Christmas Special
I honestly don't know how I even remembered this thing existed, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyways. Yinzer's Favorite Line: Do you honestly expect me to look one up for this?
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5 comments:
Except for possibly Gremlins, Bad Santa blows the rest of these movies out of the water. I could write an entire article about how comforting it is for a jew to see that movie on Comedy Central on Christmas Eve every year.
wow, i was totally working on an article just like this...kudos on the Heman...but no Charlie Brown? No Elf? or Home Alone?
Remember when Chevy was funny that 1 time in Caddy Shack?
White boy from secret location
Anything with Phoebe Cates is always solid
Well for the most part I was going for alternatives to the main movies, but I just couldnt leave out Christmas Vacation or Christmas Sotry
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