Wednesday Afternoon Mahatma

It seems in my bitter middle-aged-ness, I’ve become less and less willing to put things into perspective. The term happy to be there hasn’t applied to any of my teams (ok maybe the Pirates) but shouldn’t it?

Often times, I tried to hold somewhat realistic expectations for each season for all my teams.

Like last year, I totally saw 9-7 and missing the playoffs for the Steelers and was thrilled that they went 10-6. Or was I? Nope I was pissed, fuming, and angry after watching those Jagoffs run through our team. Apparently, somewhere along the line I forgot about 9-7 and missing the playoffs to wanting Superbowl in one fell swoop.

I remember in 2001, the Steelers were fresh off 3 seasons without the playoffs. They ended up choking in the AFC championship but looking back on that season after, I was okay with that and subsequently had my expectations through the roof for 2002. 2002 they were painfully average but still made the playoffs and had a great comeback win against the Browns and nearly stole a game from the #2 seeded Titans. All and all a successful season.

I mean sure moments and players pissed me off to no end but overall I was okay with that. Heck, even 2004, 15-1 season in which this team should have probably been at best 10-6/11-5 and likely squeak into the divisional round of the playoff. The Pats derailed that and all but still that was way beyond any yinzer could have expected especially with a rookie QB.

Maybe it was the 2005 Superbowl run but things have changed. Now, we (Steelers and probably Giant fans and possibly Jet fans alike) suddenly believe that every appearance should result in a Super Bowl performance even when the team is fatally flawed such as Steelers. The Giants aren’t fatally flawed but at the beginning of the season how many of you actually pictured 11-2? Even after their recent struggles most Jet fans in August would be thrilled if you told them they’d be in first place with an 8-5 record.

The fact of the matter is we all get caught up in the moment so much that we lose our own rationality. Hell most teams don’t even put it together until the actual playoff run. Those Superbowl winning Giants last season? Won ugly throughout December before turning it on a notch. Ditto the 2006 Colts and

the 2005 Steelers. The point of this is that style points should be stricken from the record and just wins and losses should be key. The constant reminders of drives and games gone wrong should be stricken from the record and I'll try to stick with my expectations and be happy with the result. This won't last long.

Lucky 13 Power Rankings:

1. Tennessee (12-1). Are once again the darlings of ESPN after beating the vaunted Lions and Browns.

2. New York Giants (11-2). Minor roadblock or a sign of the life without Plaxico?

3. Indianapolis (9-4). Won’t lose until the playoffs. Maybe.

4. Pittsburgh (10-3). Dallas wide receiver Patrick Crayton says Christmas came early for the Steelers. This coming from Freddie Mitchell 2k8? Please make a play before someone actually quotes you.

5. Carolina (10-3). Two headed monster at running back, much improved O-line, steady QB, best receiver in the league and an underrated defense.

6. Baltimore (9-4). I’m not going to give it all my props to a guy I dubbed Flaccid, but that offensive line

is beastly and young (in a good way).

7. Philadelphia (7-5-1). Back from the dead but Andy Reid is still one of the worst coaches in game.

8. Tampa Bay (9-4). 3-4 on the road with impressive wins at Kansas City (barely), at Detroit (barely) and at Chicago (barely). One and done.

9. Denver (8-5). Can you take a team seriously after losing to Oakland?

10. Atlanta (8-5). Tampa Bay comes to the Georgia Dome next week, so Sunday's loss has to go in the rear-view mirror soon.

11. New England (8-5). “Gut check win.” (Peter King) Last time I checked, beating a Seneca Wallace and no offensive line team like the Seahawks shouldn’t be considered a gut check win.

12. Dallas (8-5). Need to win out to make the playoffs. Even than can they?

13. Miami (8-5). Impressive turnaround to say the least and they actually beat teams on the west coast.

14. Arizona (8-5). Congrats to the Cardinal nation on making the playoffs and having a home game in the opening round of the playoffs. Now if they could only win on the road, I’d care.

What I think is going to happen:

Let me put on my magic hat (or turban..har har har), and try to predict some of the nonsense that’s about to happen. Yea it’s bullshit and a likely crap shoot and I’m usually wrong but every other asshole can pick one so get cracking.

NFC Playoffs:

1) NY Giants

2) Carolina

3) Arizona

4) Chicago

5) Tampa Bay

6) Dallas

AFC Playoffs:

1) Tennessee

2) Pittsburgh

3) New England

4) Denver

5) Indianapolis

6) Baltimore

In terms of who I think will advance to the Superbowl, I’d rather not mention anything. Things change and people get hurt but as of right now let me just say this: September 11^th, 2006, 8:15 pm and the end of the sports media as we know it.

Niches:

Often times, people don’t want to get type-casted in certain roles for obvious reasons but you want to see what good coaching is take a look at Cam Cameron with the Ravens. He is utilizing his players individual strengths and using that to take advantage of the situation. People can crow (!) all they want on their defense and Flacco but Cameron deserves some attention for the job he’s done. With the Steeler cronies for instance, it’s almost entirely too predictable to watch the Steelers offense and even we k

new what was going to be called. Baltimore’s is the exact opposite. Whether it be unbalanced lines, flea flickers or two qbs lining up on the field, Cameron is putting his weapons in play and allowing them to be accounted for. Some people believe in their system more so than the players they have and that's fine and all. A truly great offensive coordinator though breaks tendencies and uses players in roles that work for them. Kudos to Cameron. Shitty Head coach, great coordinator.

Random Observations:

I saw this on a message board but Weird stat of the day: The Houston Texans are now 4-0 with gametime kickoff temps under 40 degrees.

Can the NFL do away with these games in other countries? Not to mention the Skydome might be one of the worst places to house a pro football game. It was listed that the Bills/Fin game was a sellout but really? I mean I saw a lot of blue out there but I swore those looked like seats.

Calvin Johnson has been the sole bright spot for the Lions. It’s almost a shame that lost in

this 0-16 season is the player I deemed best prospect ever is showing the skills to become a beast for a long period of time. It’s a shame though that he is stuck in Detroit.

Al Harris' injury makes a big difference on defense for the Packers and that alone is more than enough reason for why the Packers are where they are. The sad thing is the media is left blaming Aaron Rodgers. He’s probably one of the last people to blame.

This is the year of Karma for the Patriots. Key injuries, 3rd place record, and even the luster is wearing off on Belicheat's spy camera. I only hope that their years of douchebaggery live on for another 4 years.

Remember when Denver was a running back factory. This year they've need to go to their reserve factory in India. Peyton Hillis out for the year, that doesn't even include Selvin Young who has missed most of the season. Andre Hall, Peyton Hillis, Michael Pittman, Ryan Torain, Anthony Alridge too. Denver is now down to Tatum Bell (THIEF) , PJ Pope, and Cory Boyd. Perhaps Shanahan can use his rat noise and sniff away for some new talent.

Douchebag of the week:

Tony Romo.

Parting shots:

Cool video of a Man U Striker for all the soccer hooligans out there.

Someone got owned here:

It's one of the sadder weekends for me as I say goodbye to the best show on TV still, Dexter. Those with Showtime (Devo) who have yet to watch this are truly missing out. Fantastic performance by special guest star Jimmy Smits. As someone who missed out on NYPD Blue, West Wing, etc., It's great to finally see a great actor, who've you heard so much about not, in action.



Awesome shit.



The actor who said "I'm the Juggernaut Bitch" got arrested apparently for getting into a scuffle. Here's the video of the fight below. Props to the guy rocking the Penguin jersey.




Later folks.

Here's to you C.C.

R.I.P-C.C Sabathia, future homebody and N.L. Batting Champ.

HELLLOOOOO C.C. Sabathia, sellout who got pushed into this deal by his union and his hatred of living off merely $100,000,000 and requiring $160,000,000.

I'll have more on this later, but for now, let's just paraphrase the VP Elect by saying that throwing money at a pitcher isn't change, but more of the same. Anyways, Reel Big Fish wrote a song about moments like this, and here goes:




ps-Remind me to teach Devo Jr. how to throw a fastball.

Movies for the Christmas Season

Well the time has come for the year end holidays again, and we all know our favorite (or at least the most played up one): Christmas. I mean, who doesn’t love a holiday where you just keep getting handed a bunch of presents?

With this holiday comes an entire month of snow, credit card max outs, fat guys in red suits and the same two dozen songs on the radio going 24/7. Also including are a host of Christmas movies that we all love and enjoy. And while many revolve around claymation dating back to our parent’s childhoods, and some films with a guy named Jimmy Stewart and have to do with “Christmas spirit”, there are alternatives out there to these classics. So Yinzer Clause is here to bring holiday cheer by giving you films to watch during the holiday season. Ho ho ho mofo’s.

A Christmas Story
Despite being about the same age as myself, this movie continues to be great. How can we forget the leg lamp, "you'll shoot your eye" and the triple dog dare, along with a host of other great lines and moments. Even after all these years you don't get sick of it (though only showing it one month out of the year helps). If you miss is once, don't worry, cause TNT plays it for an entire day straight. Oh, and the actress that plays the kind, caring and straight edge mom? She’s topless in the movie Slapshot, so just remember that as you watch it.

Yinzer's Favorite Line: You'll shoot your eye out.


National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

The funniest Christmas comedy period. Building on the Vacation franchise, this is easily the best installment. Amplified are the nightmares of out-of-town in-laws visiting, and everything that can go wrong does. Randy Quaid seems to be born for his role (which, in a way, is kind of sad) and Chevy Chase is at his best in this movie. There are few slow parts in this movie, and it never ceases to get old. And who doesn’t want to go into the rant Chevy Chase did about his boss? Great movie.

Yinzer's Favorite Line: (to his boss's entourage) Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Bad Santa

Yet another comedy, but a damn good one. Billy Bob Thornton is a foul mouth drunk that is more interested in banging chicks and drinking than accomplishing his goals (not that those are bad substitutes by any means). Ok, he may actually have it better than us. While not very Christmas-y in itself, it does take place during Christmas, and it is called Bad Santa. This isn't one for the kids, but that’s one of the things that make it so great. (Oh, and the uncut Bad’er Santa isn’t a whole lot different if you’re wondering).

Yinzer's Favorite Line: I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.

Die Hard 1 & 2

Now, you're probably wondering "how the hell can you put two of the Die Hards here?" Well, I never specified any requirements to be a Christmas movie, and these two do take place on Christmas. Not your average Christmas movie with terrorists and people getting shot left and right, but it is a nice change of pace from the standard comedies or the old boring drama's like Miracle on 34th short. Screw "every time a bell rings an angel get's it wings" I'd rather hear "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" And Die Hard 2 can be summed up in a single line: "How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?!"

Yinzer's Favorite Line: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! (like it could actually be anything else)

The Ref

A little known movie starring Dennis Leary and the then-unknown Kevin Spacey about a burglar that kidnaps a dysfunctional couple (think your parents). In order to fool the police looking for him, he needs to pretend to be their marriage counselor and fool the whole (small) town. Well, you know Leary's brand of comedy and this is no different. Kevin Spacey does a great job (think of Lester Burnham in a constantly pissed off mood) and the completely dysfunctional family is funny throughout, the only real sappy and boring parts are near the end. There are some classic lines in this movie, in addition to the one below. I suggest you seek this one out.

Yinzer's Favorite Line: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

Gremlins

When I was a kid, I thought “man, what a bunch of assholes.” Now when I watch Gremlins, I think “man, these guys are awesome!” The Gremlins are complete pricks, but that’s why we love them. They’re like a mischievous Looney Toons character taken to the extreme, just in general fucking with everyone. Of course, we’d like to forget that whole sequel where somehow both the high point and low point of the movie was the Hulk Hogan cameo.

Yinzer's Favorite Line: I'm just gonna go with everytime the Gremlin's laugh cause they messed up someone's day

He-Man Christmas Special

I honestly don't know how I even remembered this thing existed, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyways.

Yinzer's Favorite Line: Do you honestly expect me to look one up for this?

WelKome to New YorK, K-Rod!

*

See what I did there, with the Ks? According to MetsBlog.com, Mets.com and a lot of other people, Francisco Rodriguez has agreed to a three-year, $37 million deal with the Mets, with an option for a fourth year, pending a physical. Luckily, the Mets brought their team doc to Las Vegas with them for the Winter Meetings.

Last year with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Ha! That name is ridiculous.) K-Rod went 2-3 with 62 saves and an ERA of 2.24 in 76 games. That's niiiiice. I obviously did not get to see him much during the season, and saw a little of him during the playoffs, but his name was all over baseball headlines throughout 2008. With this issue pretty much resolved (remember: physical), the team has a closer to make up for Billy Wagner's absence and the craptastic end to last season.

Now, the Mets can shift their focus to set-up men, starter(s), and possibly a second baseman and a catcher. We shall see, but don't you just love baseball news in December!?

~MissMet

*...but picture him in the beautiful blue and orange. On the new mound at the beautiful CitiField.

I thought we were done with the losing: A Giants/Eagles Recap

Sure, this team won, but that just makes this all the worse. They may win this week, they may win 10 games this year, but that doesn't change the fact that this coach and this quarterback are not going to accomplish anything. At best they will win one playoff game, and even that's due to the futility of the NFC. Eli is mediocre at best, and Coughlin wears these guys out. I hope they lose the rest of their games so we can bring in Bill Cowher, draft a qb, and rebuild this team.

Yup, this was the one year anniversary of me wanting Eli out of New York, also known as halftime of the Giants/Bears game. My, how times change. Next thing you know, the Giants lose a game, and all of a sudden they're in contention for the #2 seed. Not that they're in contention for the #3 seed, they're already too good for that, but now there's an ACTUAL chance that home field won't go through Giants Stadium.

(Note: As I write this, kickoff for Bucs/Panthers is an hour away, if Tampa beats Carolina, I'm pretty sure it's much harder for the Giants to lose the #1 seed, since the Giants have tiebreakers. I may have just made that up. Point being, after this loss, the Giants may not even be in realistic contention for the #2 seed.)

All this is to say that I have moved into full-on "Wake me when they're 11-5" mode. Don't get me wrong, if the Giants win each of the next two weeks, I'll love nothing more than shoving it in the face of the Cowboy fans and Panther fans as the NFC Championship. But these games are basically pre-season games-make sure the Giants are executing on their plays and keeping their guys healthy as the playoffs begin.

Oh, and you want a game recap? Eli sucked. Ward was ok. Jacobs was good but got hurt. The O-Line wasn't very good. Neither were the receivers. Hixon dropped a pass that would have saved the game. The front 7 had no pass rush. Pierce is still trying to run down Westbrook, and Kenny Phillips missed a tackle on L.J. Smith on 3rd down that allowed the first Philly touchdown to take place. So yeah, the team sucked.

But that's ok. I'll take 11-2. Wake me in January...

They Are Who We Thought They Were

I just don’t understand it. How are they going to save this sinking ship this year? This is why I love being a football fan. Two weeks ago after their impressive beating of the Titans, everyone had the Jets sitting on top of the world, the coaches and players were brilliant, Tannenbaum a genius and most intriguingly, a possible Jets and Giants Superbowl. Now its fire Sutton, Mangini is an idiot, trade Coles or drop his ass, Favre stop crying you pussy etc. Yea I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure I’ve said all those things. But the Jets still control their own fate. Now that there is a 3 way tie for first in the AFC East and the Colts and Ravens pulling away with the Wildcard spots, the only way for the Jets to make the playoffs would be to win the division. The talent is there, the gameplans and the attitudes are not. Could this be anymore of a hint towards the coaching staff to get your shit together or else?

- When the Jets needed to make a play they couldn’t. When they did, it was called back by a penalty (Leon Washington’s kickoff return for a TD)

- Neither Coles nor Cotchery are deep threat receivers. And I think Favre is reading the tabloids about him not throwing it deep. Well you can throw it deep, but not when your receivers are covered, then it’s just a waste of a down. Plus neither have been good at getting separation from the corners, especially Coles

- Shut the Hell Up Coles. I say trade him for Donald Driver. LC is nothing like Driver Favre…stop crying.

- It’s not that Thomas Jones didn’t get the ball enough; the whole offense was hardly ever on the field! Time of possession clearly was in favor of San Fran 39:49 – 20:11 along with 25 first downs. That’s how you win ball games.

- Jets had 10 first downs and were 1/10 on 3rd downs; that is not how you win ball games

- Is it just me or did the secondary look lost on more than one occasion?

- Kris Jenkins is playing hurt and it shows. He’s starting to slow down. They need to start taking care of their star players because if the Jets do make the playoffs he is a vital part of their success.

- The defense now can’t stop the run and the pass rush is fading away

- There is nothing more frustrating then watching your team fail to the gameplan. Not execution, gameplan, the same problems play after play after play.

- Was it me or did the 49ers run like the same play all game? And what’s sad is that it worked practically every time. Way to go Sutton

- Credit should be given to the 49ers offensive line. They gave Hill time to throw the ball, opened running lanes and picked up the blitz (when it was called).
What do they need to do to improve? Preparation. Get these guys better prepared for games. I’m not saying use the Parcells technique by threatening their jobs; maybe take them out of a few plays. Make them want to be out there on the field.
On offense the Jets need to get the wide receivers in the game early. Throw the ball to your best players i.e. Coles, Cotchery, Keller, Washington etc. Get them productive early so they stay committed to their routes, blocks and defenders will play off a little. Maybe put Leon Washington in the slot, shake it up a bit. Other teams know he’s dangerous with big play ability. Or have him and Thomas Jones simultaneously in the backfield; freeze some of the defenders at the line.
On defense, forget about all those coverage schemes. Be more aggressive, play more man and blitz more. They can’t cover the receivers anyway so take away those extra seconds from the QB. When you get in the QB’s face they’ll make mistakes. They did a great job against Kerry Collins but these last 2 weeks Cutler and Hill were smiling back at gang green with their middle fingers up. Ty Law and Dwight Lowery are playing badly. Drew Coleman has one good game every season, and that game was back in week 7.
To put it simply, they all lost the game. Hopefully Mangini and company have some tricks up their sleeves because their playoff chances are running real thin. Any season saving ideas? Anyone?

Fredo Picks, week 14!

Jacksonville (+6.5) at Chicago
Devo: The only times I've ever been near Jacksonville have been on long drives back to Jersey. In other words, I'd see Jacksonville and think, "good, 4 hours down, 17 to go." And that's one of the nicer things said about Jacksonville. Pick: Chicago.
Mahatma: Driving through Jacksonville is just above having a kidney stone on my list of things to do. Pick: Chicago.

BH: I thought Jews were smart enough not to drive from Miami to New Jersey. Thats why they invented planes. Pick: Chicago

Green Bay (+6) at Houston
Devo: Houston is one helluva sprawled out city. But unlike Green Bay, it's an actual city. Pick: Houston
Mahatma: Green Bay has people that will buy Steeler fans shots of jello. Pick: Green Bay
BH: Cheese curds beat refugees any day. Pick: Green Bay

Minnesota (-9) at Detroit
Devo: Hey Zigy, where's my heat? Pick Detroit
Mahatma: I mean I know the Red Wings are good but not that good. Pick: Minnesota
BH: Minnesota does not enjoy the undying hatred I have for Michigan. Pick: Minny

Miami (+1) at Niagra Falls
Devo: Apparently things are so bad in upstate New York they need NFL bailouts from Canada. Pick: Miami
Mahatma: Dexter is from Miami and while he is a fictional character i'm still going with him. Pick: Miami
BH: I imagine this is what it felt like when Montreal and Toronto got baseball teams. Just feels wrong. Fuck Canada. Pick: Miami

New England (-4.5) at Seattle
Devo: The closest you come to a snowman in Seattle is the Artist formerly known as Layne Staley. Pick: New England

Mahatma: Seattle has grunge music. Pick: Seattle
BH: It hurts me to pick them, but coffee roasters dont have great track records beating lobstermen. Pick: N'ingland

The Brooklyn Hillbilly Wants You To Know His Week 14 Picks

Ahh, its December again. Time for constant Christmas carols, increasing wind, decreasing temperatures and people being stampeded by rabid shoppers(gotta love the lady at :18 losing her wig).



Cincinnati at Indianapolis(-13.5, 42)
How in Gods name can you pick Indy to cover a spread this big? I know, I know, its the Bungles, but still. I guess that's what happens when you win 5 games in a row. But with an average margin of victory at 4 points in those games(and the last 3 vs garbage teams), Peyton and friends cant be inspiring a lot of confidence in gamblers.

But lets be honest, we don't really need to talk about this game specifically, but where the Colts are positioned for the playoffs. Right now, as a 5 seed, the Colts are in line to play in Denver in the Wild Card Round. Of course, the currently 6th seeded Ravens may be playing as a 2 or 3 seed come January, forcing Pittsburgh to the 5 seed and the Colt to 6 and a date with Mrs. John Madden at the Meadowlands. They do not want that to happen. Regardless, the Colts look like they are gonna lose within the first 2 rounds of the playoffs. I like Peyton as much as the next fantasy owner, but this team is just getting lucky. Sure, Manning is winning games for them with sheer will, but that's not going to cut it against Pittsburgh, Tennessee or the Jets in the playoffs. I like this team to keep steady, secure a 5 seed and lose in the first round. Sorry Peyton, my sympathy ends once the fantasy football season does. Y'all will win this one though, if its any consolation. Colts win but still can't cover, 24-17

Still the coolest(and coldest) fan in the NFL

Kansas City at Denver(-8.5, 48.5)
Denver is the poster child for teams that wont make it far in the playoffs. Few teams can match the Jekyll/Hyde dynamic of the Broncos with an explosive offense and a truly horrific defense. They are 26th or worse in every significant defensive category. A week after beating the upstart Falcons, they lost by 3 touchdowns to the Raiders, a team whose head coach pulled a Peter from Office Space to get fired. Then they came back and beat the Jets in Jersey by 17. What can you say about that? It seems there are two teams lurking in that locker room and if Denver wants to get past the first round of the playoffs the one that gives up 400yds and has a -11 turnover differential needs to be killed and dumped in a trash compacter out by the airport on 75th Ave off Pena Blvd.(That's where I dump my dead hookers when I'm in Denver. Good spot to make problems disappear.)

Anyway, this is another team that I just cant get excited about for the playoffs. Theres just too many major flaws to compete with the big 4 in the AFC(yes, I'm actually including Balmor in that group). We all know defense is critical in the playoffs and I just don't see the Broncos bringing it. Don't get me wrong, they could definitely pull an upset by forcing one of those big 4 to get into a shootout, but that will not last them to Tampa. The future of the franchise looks good however, Shanny will have a chance to fill some major holes in the defense this winter and spring and they have what is shaping up to be one of the best QBs in the league. The future is bright Denver, but sunrise is still at least a year away. Again, you will win this week, if that is any consolation. Donkeys kick out the jams 28-17(they finally cover a home game).

Party like it's 1988

It's like you're 7 years old all over again complete with rabbit ears boob tube and TV guide to check out what's on. Brilliant stuff...

Maybe White Boy can translate this for me...

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

but if its spanish for pretty cool than I'm good.

SIT DOWN WITH SHMUCK

It’s that time of year again my friends, the playoffs are here!

For those of you who were lucky to make the playoffs, congratulations. And may I give a big F U to the Bears defense and Adrian Peterson last week, may you all get herpes.

I may have stated earlier in the year that I took place in 6 different fantasy football leagues this season. I know, you think I’m crazy, well I am. I also have a problem with just saying "no" apparently. If a friend or colleague asks me to fill a spot in their league, I never back down. Consider me the DD for fantasy (oh god that’s corny!).

So of all my leagues I’ve made the playoffs in 4 of them, but unfortunately not are current friendly SUS league (I will never draft a Masshole, Patriot, Cheater ever again). So 4 leagues, three of them chances on winning money; not too shabby.

With the exception of the Chargers and Raiders game (because Jack Daniels forgot to tell me it was Thursday) here are some suggestions on who to play if you’re pondering who to start this weekend in what I’ll call; “SHMUCKS FANTASY FACTOR.”
(I’ll work on a better name next week…or next year)

Now obviously you're going to start players like L.T., Adrian Peterson, Drew Brees etc. regardless. These are the guys who aren't on your "stud" list that you would consider:

START (running backs)

PEYTON HILLIS RB, BRONCOS - The 5th starting running back this season for the Broncos and so far so good. He’s been getting better each and every game, last week, running for a career high 129yds and 2 TD’s

Sammy Morris RB, PATRIOTS - Even though he splits carriers with Faulk and Ben-Jarvis Green, Morris is still #1 on the depth charts. He’s good for a score against a struggling Seahawk defense

LEON WASHINGTON RB, JETS – The running game is not a problem for the Jets. I expect to see a few screens come from the Jets. If LW gets the call, look for him to break one.










SIT

CLINTON PORTIS RB, REDSKINS – Baltimore is the leagues best run defense, end of story. If you have another option don’t hesitate to go with it

MARION BARBER, RB COWBOYS – Broken toe or not, the Cowboys will have a hard time running the football all game against the Steelers.

KEVIN SMITH, RB LIONS – If the suspension of Pat and Kevin Williams were still in effect I would say totally start him but with the Judge’s ruling and both DT’s likely to play I suggest benching every Detroit player you’ve got.

JAMAL LEWIS, RB BROWNS – It’s been a tough season for the Brownies; so much hype for them coming into the season.

START (quarterbacks)

MATT CASSELL QB, PATRIOTS – He’s proven he can play extremely well against non competitive teams. Well the Seahawks are as about as bad as it gets. Oh and did I mention that they are last in the league in pass defense?

KERRY COLLINS QB, TITANS – The Titans are a run first team but Cleveland has been pretty decent against the run at times. They’ll try to make Collins beat them through the air, and he will

BRETT FAVRE QB, JETS – I think Mangini will let the gunslinger loose. The Jets have been cautious with their play calling, plus the running game has been really effective.

SIT

JASON CAMPBELL QB, REDSKINS – He’s a good player but a lousy fantasy contributor.

DONOVAN MCNABB QB, EAGLES – If Westbrook doesn’t play then I would really consider benching McNabb. He wasn’t too horrible in their first meeting and Pierce hasn’t been suspended yet for the Giants

JAKE DELHOMME QB, PANTHERS – Sure the Panthers are a better team when he’s under center but fantasy wise I beg to differ. Plus they play a good Bucs team who shut down Brees and the Saints high-powered passing attack last week

START (wide receivers)

MARQUES COLSTON WR, SAINTS – The game between the Falcons and Saints is going to be a shootout. Brees loves to spread the ball around but his go to guy is still Colston. Lance Moore could take away some endzone touches but I think MC will respond big this weekend.

VINCENT JACKSON WR, CHARGERS – I know, they played already but for your information I totally benched Andre Johnson and started this man instead. 5 catches, 148yds and a Touchdown…BOOO YAHH!!!

BERNARD BERRIAN WR, VIKINGS – I was never high on this guy when he was with the Bears. I’m still not. But he’s playing against Detroit, enough said.

SIT

DWAYNE BOWE WR, CHIEFS – Champ Bailey is back this week and I don’t like Dwayne’s chances. Plus I’m sure the Chiefs will want to run the ball a lot, wear down the defense and keep Cutler and company off the field.

ROY WILLIAMS WR, COWBOYS – I really thought he’d make a bigger impact. But I guess he’s still learning the offense so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus T.O. might bitch if he Roy gets more looks than he does

SANTANA MOSS WR, REDSKINS – Ravens are a physical defense. All of their cornerbacks tower over Moss. If the Redskins o-line can give Campbell time to his Moss deep then there’s a chance he’ll be effective, but very unlikely.

START (tight ends)

BO SCAIFE TE, TITANS – Offensive Coordinator Hermeindeger loves to use tight ends. Scaife is the teams leading receiver and has gotten more endzone looks than his counterpart Alge Crumpler. Look for Bo to get in the endzone on Sunday

DUSTIN KELLER TE, JETS – He’s become Favre’s favorite target and if the ol’gunslinger is let loose, I’d make sure Keller is starting especially if the Jets are in the endzone because we all know they don’t run the ball on 3rd and short.

SIT

GREG OLSEN TE, BEARS – He comes, he goes, he comes back again, then he disappears for 3 games. Forte is the only Bear worth starting

KELLEN WINSLOW JR. TE, BROWNS – This distraction hasn’t produced much all season. Of course I finally decide to draft him instead of taking Chris Johnson…HUGE MISTAKE

If you own more than one kicker or defense at this point….I don’t like you and you’re a horrible fantasy player

SHMUCKS PICKS (10-14-2)

ATLANTA FALCONS (-3) vs. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

NFC East arguably is considered the toughest division in football. But the South is not too far behind. They are the only other division (in the NFC) that doesn’t have a team with a losing record (Bucs 9-3, Pant 9-3, Atl. 8-4, and New Orl. 6-6). After the whole Vick debacle, Falcons were considered to be in a rebuilding season and would finish in the ladder of the division. They clearly are the biggest surprise in the NFL led behind ROTY candidate QB Matt Ryan. They just keep finding ways to win. Currently they sit 1 game behind the Bucs and Panthers and are tied for the last wild card playoff spot with the Cowboys.
Saints have been probably the most inconsistent team in the NFL this season. They were my prediction to represent the NFC this year in the Superbowl and they haven’t played like that at all. Drew Brees is having a career year and the offense can put up the points. Their biggest question is their defense. Injuries to the defensive line (Sedric Ellis, Charles Grant, and Will Smith) have hurt the Saints and their secondary can’t cover anybody.
This game is crucial for the Saints. If they want any chance of a playoff spot they need to win the rest of their games out and finish 10-6. Falcons have won 6 of their last 8 and are on a roll. McAllister and Grant are suspended for the rest of the season quite possibly, a huge blow to the team. Although the Saints are home and Reggie Bush is back to take some pressure off Brees, I think they are no match for the Falcons. Atlanta is healthy and can play both good offense and defense. They beat the Saints at home, even surrendering over 500yds to them on offense. This one is going to be an aerial assault and the Falcons will prevail increasing their playoff chances.

Falcons 37, Saints 33

NEW YORK JETS (-4) vs. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

The Jets had a chance to build a 2 game lead against the Massholes in the AFC East (which they haven’t won since 2002) but blew it at home against an inconsistent Denver Broncos team. There’s no question that a two game lead with 4 games left in the season would have been huge for the Jets. Gang Green needs to respond in a big way as they head west.
49ers have won 2 of their last 3 (all under interim coach Mike Singletary) and are playing much better (benching Vernon Davis helps too). They still have problems moving the ball effectively on offense but the defense has come up huge these last few weeks. Last week against Buffalo they allowed only one FG in 4 redzone attempts and won the game 10-3.
Teams like the 49ers are dangerous for the playoff potential Jets, they have nothing to lose. Whatever their identity may be, the Jets need to find it and get it back. The strength of the 49ers is their running game. Frank Gore is having yet another good season. Their passing game on the other hand is having less success as quarterback protection has been an on-going battle for the offensive line. Jets can bring the pressure and they need too, not just to disrupt the passing game but to gain their confidence back after a poor showing last week. Jets have too much talent to fall into a slump, they know they can play better and they will.

Jets 35, 49ers 17

Devo's Picks (12-14)

Philly (+7) over GIANTS

6 reasons to take Philly in this game

1. It's supposed to snow and at the very least be cold and windy. That doesn't mean Philly wins, in fact it probably favors the Giants overall. But 7 points is a lot.

2. 7 points is a lot in general to give for an NFC East game, whether it's in December, September, or Madden.

3. Corey Webster is questionable. I don't really have any beef with Aaron Ross, but I'd rather have C-Web on Desean Jackson. Ross tends to give ridiculously huge cushions on receivers. Though in his defense, when Ross does this, he doesn't get beat deep, unlike the ghost of Will Allen.

4. The Eagles play to the same level of every team they face, whether it's the Cowboys, Giants (5 point loss in November), or Cincinnati (the 1 in the 6-5-1).

5. The Giants can overcome distractions, but the cloud surrounding them with the Harris Smith incident is too much. More specifically, the distractions to the Giant emotional leader, AP is going to leave him woefully underprepared this week.

6. I think I've been too afraid to take the Giants all year. The result? A lousy record for me, but an 11-1 run for Big Blue.

7 reasons to take the Giants in this game

1. Find a better team in the NFL.

2. Donovan McNabb has SUCKED for most of this year and has seemingly been unable to string together two good weeks in a row.

3. Westbrook has a few injuries and may not play because after all, he rarely PLAYS two weeks in a row.

4. When Westbrook doesn't play, McNabb sucks.

5. The Eagles were dead a few weeks ago. They delayed the inevitable with a win over the WAAYYY overrated Cardinals. It ends here, Philly.

6. Earth, Wind, & Fire. Next issue.

7. But for a few turnovers, the Giants completely dominated the last game vs Philly from a yardage perspective. Take away the turnovers this game, the Giants win by 14.

But most importantly, see reason #6 to pick the Eagles. Giants win, Eagles cover.

Giants: 13
Eagles: 9


ARIZONA (-14) over St. Louis

Have you ever seen a team as soft as the Cardinals? I mean, outside of the 4 current NFC South teams. This Arizona team will probably play either Atlanta or Dallas at home in the first round as the 3 seed. They may win that game, but they're going to get beaten next round by Carolina or Tampa. And if that's not true, Giants 48, Arizona 20.

And another thing that grinds my gears-can we please put to bed all of the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame talk? The man has had three great, mvp-like seasons. And yeah, said seasons were great, but every non-mvp season that Warner has had has been TERRIBLE! If Terrell Davis isn't going to get a whiff of the Hall of Fame, then there's no way that Warner should be allowed within 50 miles of Canton during the summer months. Lucky for Warner, the Rams are bad. Like Kurt Warner on the Giants bad. Like Kurt Warner at a Kwanzaa festival celebration bad.

Arizona 38
St. Louis 10

Oh, and one last thing-does Anquan Boldin still want to be traded? Granted there's nothing more valuable than a draft pick in the hands of Jerry Reese, but suddenly, I'm willing to give the Giants 2nd and 5th round picks for the wideout if he still wants out of Arizona.

Planned Parenthood Gift Card...This Year's Tickle-Me-Elmo?

Well, it looks like the new holiday gift craze is upon us, and Planned Parenthood is stepping in where Mattel slacked off by selling what everyone is sure to crave...PLANNED PARENTHOOD GIFT CARDS!!! Yup, you may not be able to get the gift that Junior wants, but you can certainly get rid of the potential little brother that Junior never wanted. Addition by subtraction that a 6-year-old is sure to comprehend.

And frankly, I'm glad that the older crowd finally has a gift that they can use. What the hell is a 19 year old boy or his 14 year old girlfriend supposed to with a Tickle-Me-Elmo? Sure, the gift certificate may cost $50 now, but think of how much it's going to save when you don't have to take Jane Q. Aborted to a Miley Cyrus Jr. Concert in 13 years? And yeah, $50 may be a lot now, but college tuition aint getting cheaper, even for the county college your mistake-by-the-lakehouse is sure to end up attending. Worried that you're going to deprive the world of the next great leader/scientist/Nobel blah blah blah? Have no fear...you think anything like that is coming from your demon seed? Please. You'll be lucky if your hard earned tax dollars go somewhere other than the welfare money required to feed Jane Q.'s crack habit.

Look, all I know is that I'm glad I finally found a universal one-size-fits-all hannukah gift for Yinzer, White Boy, MissMet, a Kwanzaa gift for SHMUCK and BH, and a sorry-your-country-is-under-attack gift for Mahatma. And frankly, I think it's screwed up that I'm the one who has to pay for all of this. I mean, let's be honest, sure SUS staff will be honored to have their own personal coat hanger they can display in their trophy case for all to see, but isn't society going to be the true beneficiary if a simple $50 gift card can help prevent the Mahatma/Nicole Richie or BH/Arianna Huffington reproduction that we all want to avoid?

Mahatma's Picks (17-10)

Cleveland Browns (+14) @ Tennessee Titans

(nice controller, loser)

I almost forgot about the vaunted Titans and that they continue to exist despite only having one loss this season. I guess that's what happens when you play the most awful team in the last 30 years and on Thanksgiving. Now there schedule can only get tougher as the DANGEROUS Cleveland Browns come to town. The Browns were last seen getting beat BARELY by the Colts and are slowly resembling the team from last year. Uhh or not. Not with Brady "I love my friend's cock" Quinn and Derek "I'm terrible but rich" Anderson both out, the stupendous Ken Dorsey returns from clipboard holding to show the world how Anderson and Quinn were both way better options. Tennessee feasted on the Lions and might be in for a closer game than expected. Browns defense has been playing well and the Titans don't have the vertical threats in the passing game to break their hearts. So it's up to Dorsey to not screw it up. He will but atleast it would be late! Regardless, this asshat will still throw his beer.

PICK:
Tennesee - 24
Cleveland - 14


Dallas Cowboys (+3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

This might be the most watched game of the season and for obvious reasons. You got a storied rivalry that makes even the oldest of yinzers seem like its 1976 all over again. You got "America's" team (bs) vs. the team with the most fans in league and two damn good teams. Dare a say a superbowl preview? Possibly but that's almost 2 months away and things change. The Steelers have exorcised some demons last week against the vaunted Cheats and are wildly getting praise and accolades. Except that game was nearly as much of a blowout as indicated. Yes the Steelers are a good team but at any moment they can revert back to guys that layed an egg in the 4Q against the Giants and the entire Eagle game.

The Cowpokes have gotten on a bit of roll to coincide with the return of pinkie boy but barely beat the Redskins and beat up two of the league's worst teams in San Fran and Seattle. Now fresh of a 10 day layoff, I can already hear the words statement game from ESPN and the like minded idiots. In fact, this is the Cowboys season right here. Win this and they have momentum going into a huge rematch with the Giants and a likely playoff berth. Lose this and than your season is more or less over. Perhaps this is what this team needs though to get its act together.

The Cowboys must get out to a lead early. Last week, Randy Moss was open the entire game but couldn't catch a cold. TO unlike Moss actually can catch and doesn't care about getting jacked up. Jason Whitten though is the one that should scare me the most. He is Romo's security blanket (now more so without a healthy Barber) and will like get a lot of looks early. Steelers also have no one to cover him one on one. On the bright side, he is playing with 2 broken ribs and has yet to actually been hit hard over the middle. That will change this week. This might be the week we also see Roy Williams make an impact. Williams is a big time player when he is on but still has yet to grasp the Cowpoke offense. Crayton at #3 is a wuss and will disappear if the Steelers hit him and they will. Romo needs to have his offensive line step up and protect them this game. I think they do that so he can't do anything stupid. Except Romo does do about 3 stupid things a game so that works for me. If their line holds up, I like their chances with Romo evading the pass rush but that cold air and wind will effect those soft touch passes Romo makes.

Other side of the ball, Demarcus Ware is a beast and is coming back. He will make an impact. I have a sneaky suspision that all week we hear and will hear about the Steelers pass rush but the Cowshits have a pretty nasty one themselves and two shitty OTs to go up against. Also of note, Adam Jones returns to the line up. Objectively, the Steelers should do some good things on this defense but that would involve the OC removing his head from his ass, the O-line removing their heads from their asses and BRoth also doing the same. They have taken strides but they aren't quite there just yet. Could this be the week they do just that? Ben has been getting better and above average speed Willie Parker is back. The Boys secondary is still terrible and can get lit up if our shitty OTs man up.

My mind actually changed on this game while writing this. Hey Titans, we're coming for you motherfuckers.

PICK:
Pittsburgh Steelers - 27
Dallas Cowboys - 17

The Good, the bad, the Jets

One morning you’re Superbowl favorites and the next you’re just contenders. Jets were riding a 5 game winning streak and were looking almost unstoppable after the Tennessee win. But teams are figuring out Gang Green’s weaknesses and their inabilities (like to convert on 3rd or 4th and short). I think these wet dreams of a Jets/Giants Superbowl started to get in some peoples heads (possibly even the Jets themselves). Giants are without a doubt the best team in football, even without Burress (but Pierce on the other hand, now that’s a different story) so a Superbowl between the two would be a lobsided victory for the Gmen. Jets may have found their identity, now they just have to figure out how to maintain it on a week-to-week basis. But I don’t understand how after one loss this team loses all credibility as an elite contender in the AFC. You know, no team is perfect. In fact, the Massholes got manhandled by the Steelers and yet experts are not throwing the towel on them like they’re the Jets. Here are a few things Jets need to work on:

- COACHING – If it weren’t for some bad tackling by the Broncos on defense it almost looked like they had a copy of our offensive playbook. Every first down the Broncos stacked 8 in the box and stuffed the Jets running game. On 3rd and short they were ready for the short passes, cutting the slants and swinging linebackers out to cover the short dump offs. Schottenheimer’s play calling had been really good until today’s game and he didn’t make any of the necessary judgments in the 2nd half. Mangini and Sutton could not generate a pass rush. The Broncos double teamed Kris Jenkins and played 2 gap all game. Every play he was eaten up and was completely ineffective. The defenses big weakness has been the pass. Teams are throwing away from Revis and Rhodes and it clearly shows. Ty Law was great against the Patriots but the last 2 weeks he's been shaky. Abram Elam might not be the solution at Free safety. Corner and safety should be needs in next years draft.

- OFFENSE - All the money paid to that offensive line to help the running game and yet on 3rd, 4th and shorts the Jets still throw the ball. Run that ball up the middle behind your best players (Faneca, Mangold, Moore)!

I have a bone to pick with the NFL committee. If a man is on the ground and down covering the football the play needs to be whistled dead. Instead 3 seconds after Cotchery covers up the fumble 2 Bronco defenders jump on top of him and the ball pops out. Why did they have to throw all their body weight down on him like that? I find that unfair.

And another thing; everytime Favre was getting in some kind of rhythm it seemed like a different Bronco player went down with an injury. They did this 5 times in the 2nd half and all of those injured players came back on the field in the next few plays. THAT'S BULLSHIT! Mike Shanahan has always been praised as a good coach, but that is just F'in dirty on his part. Guys like him and Belichek take advantage of bad rules like these and it seriously pisses me off.

Either Favre's arm is still hurting him or Schottenheimer is taking away the deep ball. You traded for a QB with an arm and yet you still keep throwing the dink and dunk passes to the TE's and RB's? I think Pennington has more deep ball completions than Favre does this season.

Jets need to win with superior execution, not with these trickery plays all the time. Until they learn this simple maxim they will not get far in the playoffs and will be outsmarted by the dumbest and inexperienced of NFL coaches.

- DEFENSE - Eric Barton, you have been in the league for 10 years and yet you still act like in immature college punk. You're so lucky that it was 4th and long or those 5 yards really would of hurt the team on that drive. Start playing smarter. I can't wait until David Harris comes back and Barton can just sit back and only have to worry about not putting a late hit on the QB. Corners need to bump the receivers more on the line. They did a lot in the first half but the Jets d-line was not getting any QB pressure. Cutler was just simply picking them apart. Sutton and Mangini need to devise so more blitz packages, especially when your overall defensive scheme is just not working.

This clearly was a bad game but there is a brightside to this; that was probably the toughest opponent the Jets have left on their schedule. Doesn't mean they should take the next 4 games lightly. The loss by the Massholes keeps the Jets atop the AFC East but still only by 1 game. As long as they win won of their last 2 division games against Buffalo or Miami they will have the conference record advantage if a tie in first place were to ocurr. But this shouldn't be an option in their minds. They need to win out and win big. They need to prove that the team last week against the Titans was for real and that they can play some ball. As I see it right now the Jets can play against the physical teams. The 3 AFC teams that scare me are the Steelers, Colts and Titans. If they don't fix their problems with the play calling and their secondary, I can almost guarantee a first round exit.

Why I'm a Douchebag: Yinzer Edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to see why SHMUCK is a douchebag.
Click here to see why Mahatma is a douchebag. Click here to see why MissMet is a tool. Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a douchebag. Click here to see why Devo is a douchebag.

Superstition

I think this is everyone to be honest. I hate superstition; think it's a crock of shit. Yet when it comes to my teams, especially the Penguins, it's everything. It like it turns us into instant hypocrites or something. We know it's BS yet we cant help but believe it. Maybe we just don't want to be "that guy" whose lack of belief lost the big game.

I will cheer for players to get injured

But not just any players. It's not like I want some cornerback to get Joe Theisman-ed because he intercepted a pass, or a forward get cross checked because he scored a goal. No, the players like those in our "athletes I wouldn't piss on" articles. We're talking people like Tie Domi, Barry Bonds, Latrell Sprewell and Pacman Jones. You know, the real despicable players who are there to injure others, diminish the game they play or are just out and out complete uber douches. Or like Ray Lewis who murders people. Cant forget the criminals.

I actually cheered for MLB to fold during their last strike

Nope, not joking. I really dislike baseball that much (and yes, I know some of you dislike hockey that much, no need to go into it). Especially since a nice big payroll is the key. There are reasons why other sports have caps: to balance things. Baseball? Not so much. Seeing some washed up, out of shape fatass get five million dollars because it's considered market value is absurd to me. Watching baseball actually physically aggravates me I dislike it so much.

If you cheer for certain teams, I think you lack morals.

And by "certain teams" I mean pretty much whoever my team is playing. Or the Patriots and Flyers. We'll use the Pats cause everyone knows them. See, the fans not only support guys like Rodney Harrison who is out to hurt others, Bill Belichick who cheats to win, and Tom Brady who thinks that whole "women and children first" line is the punch line to a joke, but they justify it all. How you can cheer for, and vehemently defend guys who are pieces of crap and shit on the game is just beyond me. So I'm led to the conclusion that something is screwy with you. I don't get how you can side with a team that themselves lacks integrity. And you're cheering for my team to lose and that's not cool. Ass.

Apparently, given the choice of watching the pole dancer or football, football is the correct answer

Due to the Steelers laying an egg for three and a half quarters, me and my compatriots went to the strip bar to drown our sorrows in booze and boobs. The Steelers started to make a game of it towards the end, and my friends starting watching the game (which for some reason was on in the strip bar) with the futile hope that somehow Bill Cowher would somehow actually drive a comeback. Me? I knew better so I was staring at the juggling jugs in front of me for a mere George Washington. They cheered for the Steelers, I cheered for the girl on my lap. Call me crazy, a douchebag, or even straight, but I thought the girls were a lot more amusing.

Your Monthly Sean Avery Update

If this was last year, I'd call him an asshole, douche, goat fucker, what have you, but now since Sean isn't wearing that puke ridden Rag jersey I kindof like him.

What was the cause of this change of heart? This amazing gem:

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," started Avery before smirking.

"I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. But, enjoy the game tonight."

HA! Can you tell that Sean and ex, Elisha Cuthbert had a bad breakup? While Elisha saddled up next to current Calgary Flames D man, Dion Phaneuf, I gotta say that Avery just did some massive serving.

Gary Bettman didn't think so and promptly suspended him.

I'm sorry but Avery is good for the game. Look the problem with hockey is that you don't know any of these guys personality. Sure Crosby is a great player but what about him? This is one of the things the NHL is horrendous at. I know most of these guys are from Canada and Europe where they are all good ol boys and polite but screw that. Shouldn't they have some personality? Hockey needs more guys to say it like it is and to have some villains for once. You can call it wrestling but atleast that still gets some ratings...

For Avery to get suspended here is bullshit. This is the same league that lets head shots, elbows and knees and all the other gross misconducts go, but a verbal cheap shot? Oh no, that's crossing the line! WHAT WILL THE WEE CHILDREN THINK?! This would have made for good TV to have a battle out there, but as usual, the NHL is the murderer of it's own publicity. Don't you think people would tune in to see what would Dion Phaneuf do to take back the honor of his girl? I'm sure people wouldn't have tuned in to see Phaneuf beat the living shit out of Avery and see his patented turtling?



People can bitch and whine about Avery and him being classless but come on guys -- classlessness = ratings!

Lame. Here I was looking for a game to watch.

Plax v. Starbury : Who ya got?

VS



Lately the two ongoing sagas in New York sports media have been the inevitable buyout of Marbury's $19M bargain-of-a-contract and the Plaxico Burress failed attempted text message that left a not-so-artificial pimp walk. That said, Plax v. Starbury, who ya got?

(And yeah, I'd rather be Starbury too given that he gets paid $19m/yr to space out for his 3 hours of "work" 3-4 days a week, but every other angle on this story is taken.)

The crime
Plax: Almost killed himself feeling around for his cell phone.
Starbury: Almost killed his teams feeling around for an open shot. With the Wolves. With the Suns. With the Nets. And now with the Knicks.
Edge: Plax. Plax almost physically killed himself. Starbury ruined the nights of tens of thousands of fans 60 times per year. I'm pretty sure White Boy, a fan of both, will tell you that he feels worse about Starbury.

If Plax and Starbury are good guys, then the bad guys are...
Plax: That pesky gun shaped cell phone.
Starbury: Jason Kidd (twice) and Steve Nash, both of whom have shown how life can be without Starbury in their franchise's life.
Edge: Plax. One thing the U.S. court system has taught us-two white guys harming a black guy doesn't make the white guys "bad guys."

The fallout from their crimes
Plax: The Giants will go on to win the Super Bowl, Mayor Bloomberg becomes known as a tough-on-crime Mayor for being able to make toothless political speeches at key times.
Starbury: The Nets get good and make two Finals runs. The Suns get good and are a Robert Horry cheap shot away from winning it all two years ago. Hell, even the Minnesota Timberwolves went to the Conference Finals with nothing but KG after Starbury was traded.
Edge: Starbury. Starbury's Nets fallout got me to do the impossible...care about basketball!

Has won...
Plax: A Super Bowl.
Starbury: Um, some Nathan's hot dogs when he was 17?
Edge: Plax. But don't let that pick fool you-Nathan's Hot Dogs are REAL good.

The biggest surprise relating to the crime was:
Plax: Plax actually bothered to register his gun in Florida once upon a time.
Starbury: The Knicks actually made the playoffs his first year in New York, leading Knick fans to believe that they'd actually win a playoff game.
Edge: Plax. Shame on Knicks fans for expecting to win a playoff game. Needy sons of bitches.

And what do their teammates think of them?
Plax: True friends, like AP, will hide the murder weapon.
Starbury: Let's just say that if Starbury had any friends on the team, they would have been recording the intern-bang for all on the internet to enjoy.
Edge: Plax. Though I'm not sure if I want a Starbury celebrity sex tape.

Yeah, but have they banged an intern?
Starbury: You betcha!
Plax: Probably...why not? You think he went clubbing to hear the latest in NYC techno? This guy is as faithful to his wife as Bill Clinton. Not that this makes him different from any other athlete, simply pointing it out.
Edge: Starbury. As Plax is about to learn, actual proof wins out over inferences 9 times out of 10 in a court of law. Unless an inner-city jury is involved.

Winner: Plax. Wow, not even banging an intern, the ultimate sign of "cool" can save Starbury.

Hockey Round Up

So it's been a bit since we talked hockey here, and a few things have happened in the NHL since.



-So the Stanley Cup rematch between the Pens and Red Wings happened a few weeks back. And it was one hell of a game, so shame on you if you missed it as it displayed some of the best things hockey has to offer. Down three going into the third period the Pens kept battling back, and down a goal with a minute left pulled their goalie. When a goalie is pulled it's nerve racking for both teams. If its your goalie pulled, you're nervous as hell because its your last chance to win. If you're the other team you're nervous because you dont want to blow it. Your heart pounds the entire time and its a pretty sweet feeling. Well, with 22 seconds left the Pens tied it up, and then managed to win the game in overtime. Its a perfect display of why you shouldnt just lay down and die.



-So the worst kept secret in the NHL is out and Brian Burke is now thew GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. With Anaheim to start the year, he rejected a contract extension and was let go to pursue other options, ie the opening GM position of the Leafs. This is about as surprising as seeing a team nicknamed the blueshirts come on to the ice wearing blue shirts. Burke speaks his mind, and is known for his war of words with Kevin Lowe a season ago. Burke is being heralded as the savior of the Leafs, but we'll see (my money is on no). You wont see anything immediately, but after december he is going to start putting his print on the team and probably start clearing out the roster and preparing to clear cap space to renovate the team in the summer.

-One thing I like is how the players celebrate a goal. It's nothing fancy; maybe a fist pump or a raise of the arms. But what I like is how genuine it is. There's no dancing or anything extravagant like football. Its just the players being happy like a kid who just got that Christmas gift he wanted.

-The All Star voting is out of hand. Hosted in Montreal because its the Canadiens 100th season, Montreal fans decided it was best to stuff the ballots by voting for everyone from the Canadiens on the ballot multiple times. So what do we end up with? Alex Tanguay having more votes than Crosby and Ovechkin. Combined. It's absurd. I know its an imperfect system, but when the fans are actually given a say you get idiots like this who go and ruin it all. Seriously, get a life people.

-NHL marketing is pretty much crap. But every once in a while they come up with something good, such as this new commercial for their online store:




-I've said it before, but it deserves mentioning again. When will people learn to STOP PISSING OFF SIDNEY CROSBY??!!! A few weeks ago Alex Semin said there was nothing special about Crosby, who hadnt been playing that well this year at that point. Not that well meaning a little over a point per game. So what has happened since? He's been shitting on pretty much everyone, the Devils his latest victim who he scored a hat trick against. Granted everyone knew Semin was just making himself look retarded by making the claim, but he basically sent Crosby on a drive to stat raping everyone he comes across. And what has Semin been doing since that time? Sitting in the press box nursing an injury, which I can only guess is a sore vagina.


-There have been a surprising amount of trades this early in the NHL season. Unfortunately most have been done by the Tampa Bay Lighting. The team is still toiling at the bottom of the standings even after canning coach Barry Melrose. Again, all this proves is that meddling owners never do any good.

AP, I’m with ya, Plax you need some psychotherapy

I figured as the co-resident Giants fan on this site, I should weigh in on the debacle that was Friday night at the Latin Quarters. I won’t even discuss the fact that a third player was there (Michael Kay says Ward and Francessa says its Bradshaw) because I am not certain which of the two it was and as far as I know that third person did nothing except go to said club. Although it is likely if not certain that both Antonio Pierce (hereto for AP) and Plax committed crimes, the actual "assholicness" and irresponsibility of each action is as different as the intelligence levels of Obama and Bush.

Plax, you need some psychotherapy. I loved you last year but that was before I knew that you would disgrace the same franchise you restored glory to just 9 months prior. Your 50 missed meetings, cursing off your coach who every other teammate seems to have no problem with, and your propensity to drop very catchable balls are all frustrating but worth putting up with. However your actions Friday night were quite another. I am not upset because you broke a law; I’m upset because you were not thinking of anyone but yourself by bringing this gun with you. You could have killed one of your teammates, friends or a random innocent clubber. I don’t want someone that irresponsible on my team, I don’t care if you are a good guy or not but I do care if you are so careless as to take many innocent lives into your own hands by drinking with a loaded gun in your pocket. Oh, and as you can see, your team can win big and have its QB play even better when you aren’t playing. I won’t go as far as to say I “hope” you go to jail but I would not be upset nor would I feel it would be an injustice if you did. However, if your boy AP has to serve any time for trying to save your ass, that is an entirely different matter……………

AP, I feel for ya man. I know that you were just trying to save your boy. You didn’t do anything with an intention to harm anyone nor were you reckless. Your moral code of never going against a brother outweighed your moral code of following the laws of the land, for this I have respect for you. I have to admit as seemingly replaceable as Plax is, you are equally irreplaceable. Your pre-snap reads of opposing offenses put your young talented teammates in great position to make big plays (see Kenny Phillips, Michael Johnson and Corey Webster.) You, unlike Plax have been a model teammate and Giant up until now. I do think you made a mistake in the way you went about trying to save your boy but I can’t say I wouldn’t think of saving my friend before I would think of following the law. I hope you don’t serve any jail time, I don’t think you should.

Axl Rose back in court...as plaintiff for a change

Axl Rose and his backup band legally called Guns n Roses is suing Dr. Pepper. Here's the blurb from Rolling Stone:

Guns n’ Roses are threatening Dr Pepper with legal action over what the band calls “a complete fiasco” of a publicity stunt. Dr Pepper promised every person in America a free can of soda if Guns n’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year; on November 23rd, the day Democracy was released, fans were told they could get a coupon for a free can at its Website. According to Axl Rose’s lawyer, Alan S. Gutman, things went terribly wrong: Yesterday he sent a letter to Dr Pepper CEO Larry Young saying that the soda company’s Website crashed and that “the redemption scheme your company clumsily implemented for this offer was an unmitigated disaster which defrauded consumers and, in the eyes of vocal fans, ‘ruined’ the day of Chinese Democracy’s release”.
I only hope the following exchange happens:

Axl: Your honor, this is an injustice to our fans!
Judge: Um, didn't you take 14 years to put out a mediocre album?

SHMUCKS PICKS (9-13-2)

NEW YORK JETS (-8) vs. DENVER BRONCOS

The Jets have only played well at home in those ridiculous blue Titan uniforms. I still favor them to win this matchup with their strong running game against a very weak Denver defense. Both offenses can put a lot of points on the board but the weather conditions are windy, rainy, and sloppy. Denver really hasn't established a running game all season and they will be matching up against one of the best. Turnovers are key in this game. Whoever holds on to the ball will win this game.

Jets 23, Broncos 17

OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3) vs. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Quite the thrilling game this one looks to be. These two teams met back in week 2 and it was all Oakland and the run game. KC is still one of the worst defending the run so look for a McFadden/Fargas attack all game. Tyler Thigpen has played very well since his first start against the Jets 4 weeks ago. With Larry Johnson back that should help take some pressure off the rookie. Look for KC to get some redemption here as they go into the black hole and steal a win.

Chiefs 31, Raiders 24